perilous Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 Where do I begin? I have been browsing around here for a while, and I know that I could probably glean some insight from others posts...but I would rather recieve tailor made advice for my own hassles.... My BF and I.... (This is so hard) I want to lessen his grip on me....I want him to back off...because when I do something that he doesnt like, he is quick to straighten it out...yet when he does something I dont like, he either completely ignores me, or chalks it up to a female behaving irrationally or with jealousy. When he does bother to talk with me about problematic occurances, it is to skew my perception of what really happened and make it appear as if it never happened at all.... His refusal to accept any responsibility for his actions is becoming almost unbearable. To the point where I almost fed up with him....and we both get caught up into the web of "we are fighting about fighting" instead of tackling the real issues at hand...he has a way of twisting logic all askew, bending perception, and dodging issues...He is a master magician of the mind.... What I mean by lessening his grip is that I cant seem to pull myself away from his plots, schemes,twisted logic and mind tricks. Honestly, I am so tired of trying to figure it out. An example of this is him manipulating all of my time, tying it up in other things, only to find out that those other things was something that he planted there well in advance, and not something that "just came up". I am trying desperately NOT to feed into him, in hopes that maybe this will work, and stop him from this insanity. Of course I cant talk to him about this, because it looks so innocent from the surface, but its really not. Specifically, if I can get some insight into a couple of things right now, as far as how, and why, coping, even a mini diagnosis or two ( ) on the subject of something I like to call "shaded truth", I think I could live through the weekend... When you have spoken over and over again to a person about their *supposed* lying....yet you are not even sure it is a lie, yet it sounds and feels like a complete lie to you, but its possible it could be true, but you could almost swear that its a lie, but it is perfectly plausible.......But you got NOTHING on them and they know it (its even worse when they KNOW it ) .How do you go about biting your tongue and not calling them on their lies? Because if you lose your cool, and let them have it, you will end up looking like the irrational idiot.....(is that what is going on??? making me feel like an irrational idiot on purpose???.....hhmmm) to him, and everyone around you, even yourself.....
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 Any relationship is a compromise. Sometimes bf gets his way, sometimes you. If one side gets it all the time the relationship is in trouble. And there are healthy and unhealthy ways of getting to that compromise. Google Gottman... or even Dr Phil on fighting fair. On the lying, what evidence do you have? Gut feeling can be incredibly accurate... or incredibly wrong.
blind_otter Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 When you have spoken over and over again to a person about their *supposed* lying....yet you are not even sure it is a lie, yet it sounds and feels like a complete lie to you, but its possible it could be true, but you could almost swear that its a lie, but it is perfectly plausible.......But you got NOTHING on them and they know it (its even worse when they KNOW it ) Sometimes they are lying, and sometimes it's an individual's insecurities. I know I do that a lot. I have huge trust issues, so there's this big confirmation bias on my side. I expect them to behave a certain way, regardless of how they are with me, I will interpret their responses to me negatively. Do you trust your gut instinct? Or do you think you may have trust issues? I really could be either one and only you can make that call.
Author perilous Posted April 28, 2006 Author Posted April 28, 2006 Okay...how about this..what do you think of this sentence It makes me sick to my stomach to love him
blind_otter Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 Okay...how about this..what do you think of this sentence It makes me sick to my stomach to love him The first word I thought of? Codependency. Not trying to offend, but I am personally familiar with that feeling.
Author perilous Posted April 28, 2006 Author Posted April 28, 2006 or how about this, to make it easier to understand... It is like we all did as children in school....You picked on someone, maybe called them a name, or did something to upset their universe, but the grown ups werent around to see it. When it came time for punishment, you said "what, I didnt do nothing, I was just sitting there and she came up and tripped over my leg" Its plausible. It could happen. The kid could have tripped over the other kids leg, but you werent there to see it, so how do you know, tu sabes?!
lindya Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 or how about this, to make it easier to understand... It is like we all did as children in school....You picked on someone, maybe called them a name, or did something to upset their universe, but the grown ups werent around to see it. When it came time for punishment, you said "what, I didnt do nothing, I was just sitting there and she came up and tripped over my leg" Its plausible. It could happen. The kid could have tripped over the other kids leg, but you werent there to see it, so how do you know, tu sabes?! If you're not feeling confident about your instincts, then you're not going to make a very good job of calling another person on any ulterior motives they might have - or lies they may be telling. If you don't like the stuff he's saying/doing, then you don't like it. Some people don't like seafood, and nobody expects them to write a thesis justifying why not - they just don't like it. So him telling you it's "irrational" to be upset by something he does, then carrying on doing that thing you dislike, is like a prawn leaping into someone's mouth saying "it's irrational not to find me tasty." You mentioned the scenario of a child kicking another child when nobody else is looking. What's to be done? I'd say, the kicked child has to trust his own perception that it wasn't an accident, deal with the kicker directly and not rely on other people's perception of events in deciding how to deal with it. You feel manipulated by your bf. I don't know whether or not that's the case, but if he's the manipulative type then your fear of sounding irrational or being wrong will be like a gift from the heavens for him. Sometimes you just have to go with your instinct, say what you feel and decide that it really doesn't matter whether the other person thinks you're stupid or irrational. Obviously if he really is a manipulative type who needs to control the woman he's in a relationship with, then he may well decide to get rid of you for no longer fitting the correct mould. How badly do you need this relationship?
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