I'm feeling guilty

[movinon05]

I had to go back and read some more of whats going on..Ive only gotten to log on briefly this week thanks to work,I apologise I haven't been able to respond properly movin.

 

so in a nut shell..you have been reading your BF's posts on a site and many had to do with exGF..your thinking of giving him this to be on the same playing field.

 

but also said he isn't very emotional with you..but according to his posts he does express his feelings very well?

 

this is the part where I don't think I'd be able to have a leap of faith...hmm but then again it would let him walk away from you if your say a rebound partner which I'm sure isn't something you want at all.

 

but that being said it sounds like he is carrying a torch for the ex..you already had the relationship where you were only getting part of a mans heart (been there,done that,bought a tee-shirt) do you really want another?

 

hmm this is most complex movin..I need to think about this

 

Well, he expresses his feelings about OTHER things very well. Just not his feelings about me TO me. The only way I can describe the way he acts with his feelings towards me is like:

 

"Ok. This is good. I feel good. This is fun. I love you babe. Yeah, right back at you."

 

Does that make sense? Its a more "mature" love for lack of another way to put it, and we are very lustful, but not on an emotional level where I would like it to be. And having said that, I don't even feel comfortable looking into his eyes and saying I love you (in a deep sense). 1. because I don't feel it yet; and 2) because it doesn't feel comfortable for me to act like that because of how he acts; and 3) I wouldn't want to do something like that when I'm not getting it from him.

 

Going by his posts (which is basically a lot of how I know about his personality), is that I am not a rebound partner. I'm just a person who he actually sees a future with from all the dating he has done.

 

I want to be able to give him the same chance to move on with his life as I am trying to do with mine. But that little snaggy comment he made in the forum about their conversation now sets me back a bit. I don't like it at all. And it diminishes my trust.

[lovernotafighter]

Well, he expresses his feelings about OTHER things very well. Just not his feelings about me TO me. The only way I can describe the way he acts with his feelings towards me is like:

 

"Ok. This is good. I feel good. This is fun. I love you babe. Yeah, right back at you."

Does that make sense? Its a more "mature" love for lack of another way to put it, and we are very lustful, but not on an emotional level where I would like it to be. And having said that, I don't even feel comfortable looking into his eyes and saying I love you (in a deep sense). 1. because I don't feel it yet; and 2) because it doesn't feel comfortable for me to act like that because of how he acts; and 3) I wouldn't want to do something like that when I'm not getting it from him.

now this was something going on with me and my MM till very recently..in fact he wanted to explain why he had a hard time telling me about his feelings...that Thursday I described was the first time he actually looked me square in the eyes and told me he was in love with me...then I couldn't turn him off..it was kinda cute when I think of it now.

 

we would say it on the phone or e-mail from time to time..a hug and whispered in the ear..but never right in the eye with deep intimacy.

 

I always chalked it up to being grown and mature and it's known with out being rehashed but it still bothered me because he kept talking about leaving..why? if you can't even share your feelings?

 

anyway..that could be it...women are much better at expressing their feelings than men I believe.

 

Going by his posts (which is basically a lot of how I know about his personality), is that I am not a rebound partner. I'm just a person who he actually sees a future with from all the dating he has done.

 

I want to be able to give him the same chance to move on with his life as I am trying to do with mine. But that little snaggy comment he made in the forum about their conversation now sets me back a bit. I don't like it at all. And it diminishes my trust.

I can understand that. and after everything you have been through you deserve the best relationship.if your trust factor is in question then your right you have to do something cause chances are it won't get better unless you do.

I wish I had good advice..but I do hope hope it turns out for the best and you can move forward and put this behind both of you.

[movinon05]

Yeah well right now I'm caught in a little dilemma in that my mom went into the hospital last night. I gave him the heads up last night before this last post I saw, in case I had to go down there and it looks like I'm going down there tomorrow which would mess up our plans to be together tomorrow afternoon because he is working in the morning. If I tell him this afternoon when he gets home from work, he'll probably want to shoot over to my place tonight. And I'm not sure I'm up for this.

[Sami_D]

Its very easy to say stop looking, but I sincerely doubt anyone can say that they would not look, knowing its out there. Its one of those, what would you do in this situation? But unless you're in it, you cannot say positively that you wouldn't look.

 

It is easy to say stop looking, and very hard, probably impossible to do. I know, because I have been in that situation before. Luckily it was with an ex, and what I saw just made it easier for me to move on. It was like watching a train wreck. And I couldn't stop looking. Every time I looked, it made it easier and easier for me. But... that's something else.

 

He is not an extremely affectionate person. He is a very sexual person. Which is one major thing about our R that is lacking. Yes, the sex is fabulous, but I don't feel the emotional connection with him while in the act that I really want. If you know what I mean. He comes to "love" in a different way as well. When he says he loves me, its kind of a matter of fact statement, not a look you in the eye, baring your soul type thing. Other than that, he does make me feel better about myself than any man has.

 

The way you describe your relationship with SG... I find it hard to know what you're getting from it. Only you say he 'makes you feel better about yourself'. That's not good. I'm trying to be objective, btw. Trying to help. I'm trying to point out the things that I see as 'wrong' in this situation. No wonder roses from exMM made you cry (jmho).

 

I didn't fall apart or cry when I saw this recent post. I just felt a sickness in my stomach that I might be making a mistake to think I can handle this contact he has with her, only because of his smiley internet no details comment.

 

You felt a sickness in your stomach but you didn't fall apart. Are you denying your needs here..? Are you giving him 'reasons' for doing/feeling the way he is feeling, for writing so much about this ex of his and nothing about you? Is this all pretty much like MM all over again..? Only this time it's his ex, rather than a W, who is that special woman in his life?

 

Again, I'm not attacking you, and I'm quite prepared to be wrong on this. Only, I think a fellow OW really can have some insight here... we're all guilty of having been understanding, of being able to put our own needs on hold, sometimes for years... and of rationalising and helping the man in our lives to be themselves while we twist into pretzels of 'understanding'.

[movinon05]

It is easy to say stop looking, and very hard, probably impossible to do. I know, because I have been in that situation before. Luckily it was with an ex, and what I saw just made it easier for me to move on. It was like watching a train wreck. And I couldn't stop looking. Every time I looked, it made it easier and easier for me. But... that's something else.

 

The way you describe your relationship with SG... I find it hard to know what you're getting from it. Only you say he 'makes you feel better about yourself'. That's not good. I'm trying to be objective, btw. Trying to help. I'm trying to point out the things that I see as 'wrong' in this situation. No wonder roses from exMM made you cry (jmho).

 

You felt a sickness in your stomach but you didn't fall apart. Are you denying your needs here..? Are you giving him 'reasons' for doing/feeling the way he is feeling, for writing so much about this ex of his and nothing about you? Is this all pretty much like MM all over again..? Only this time it's his ex, rather than a W, who is that special woman in his life?

 

Again, I'm not attacking you, and I'm quite prepared to be wrong on this. Only, I think a fellow OW really can have some insight here... we're all guilty of having been understanding, of being able to put our own needs on hold, sometimes for years... and of rationalising and helping the man in our lives to be themselves while we twist into pretzels of 'understanding'.

 

I know you're not attacking me Sami. I appreciate your input. Not to defend him, but he only mentions her about once every 3 months or so in a post. I just happen to know more about this relationship from looking into his past posts before we ever even met. I do know they were on again off again for over 4 years. And all the bad things you point out is what I have thought of too. It is by no means the perfect relationship, but the most satisfying on many levels. And so I really wanted to give this a chance to see if it grew into something more as I know Rs do take time and so does he. Its been 7 mo. and we only see each other on weekends. So, neither one of us is rushing into a M.

 

And he is allowed to have an ex he feels love for. After all, I do, don't I? As OWL pointed out early on, it doesn't matter whether mine is an MM or not, it is about past exes that we still love. And many people have them but move on. So to pretend that he has no right to have these feelings is like the pot calling the kettle black. It just now becomes a matter of what he will do with these feelings.

 

And if I do end this R, I'm gonna have to tell him why, aren't I. Because he would be in complete shock unless I told him the real reason.

 

I've been forming the conversation in my mind about how I THINK I want to handle this. Whether I do or not, I have no idea. I don't make promises to anyone anymore.

 

Oh, and the sickness in my stomach v. crying. All that did was point out to me that I don't have enough emotional investment in him yet to get as upset as I got over the roses.

[Sami_D]

And he is allowed to have an ex he feels love for. After all, I do, don't I? As OWL pointed out early on, it doesn't matter whether mine is an MM or not, it is about past exes that we still love. And many people have them but move on. So to pretend that he has no right to have these feelings is like the pot calling the kettle black. It just now becomes a matter of what he will do with these feelings.

 

And if I do end this R, I'm gonna have to tell him why, aren't I. Because he would be in complete shock unless I told him the real reason.

 

Well I think not only is he allowed to have an ex he feels strongly for, he has every right to write about it and not tell you about it. Of course.

 

But the fact that he has these feelings, and hasn't shared with you... well you can argue it's early days, and that you have a similar feeling, but you know what..? It's not a great way to have a R. Even if you're just dating, taking it slowly, only seeing each other weekends or whatever. If neither of you are opening up... then there's something not right. For me, anyway. That's how I would feel about it.

 

But no, I don't think you have to tell him why you ended it if you don't want to. Tell him you don't think you and him get on because he seems somewhat unemotional if you feel you need a reason so he doesn't feel shocked.

 

For me... the fact he ran out of the shower so you wouldn't see what he had on his laptop... that was icky. You know, if you hadn't felt guilty about snooping, wouldn't you have found that odd, and asked him there and then what he was hiding..? I know I would.

[movinon05]

For me... the fact he ran out of the shower so you wouldn't see what he had on his laptop... that was icky. You know, if you hadn't felt guilty about snooping, wouldn't you have found that odd, and asked him there and then what he was hiding..? I know I would.

 

FWIW, as I passed by his laptop, I saw he was on that forum posting whatever, so it didn't matter because I already knew I would see it eventually if I chose to go looking. But even so, I would not have looked at anything he had on his computer because knowing what I "thought" I knew about him, I wasn't worried that he was doing anything other than chatting with his forum friends.

 

But the fact that he has these feelings, and hasn't shared with you... well you can argue it's early days, and that you have a similar feeling, but you know what..? It's not a great way to have a R. Even if you're just dating, taking it slowly, only seeing each other weekends or whatever. If neither of you are opening up... then there's something not right. For me, anyway. That's how I would feel about it.

 

Well this has bothered me to an extent, but I figured it was something that might come out in time, if necessary. But it also bothers me that we don't have these open conversations and I figured we were just going to trust that we needed to give ourselves time to see where we go. We also have an agreement that we will be mutually exclusive, and I do believe that I can trust him on that. I know that if he ever did anything with the ex in a sexual way, he would tell me. Don't ask me why I know, I just know. I also know that he has no intention of getting back into her grips again sexually (again, from his posts), but this new revelation makes me wonder now. From his posts and what we have discussed about our relationship, we agreed that we would not take those chances with other people because we are in the dating world and do have to worry about those transmitting type things. We have made sure we were not taking chances. We have made that promise to each other and I do trust him in that regard.

 

I do think I need to do something though. I'm not the type to just hang on and hope for the best. Maybe I used to be, but not anymore. I'm not about to waste another 7 yrs of my life going through something like this, as sad as it might be to end what we do have. And I might add, so much of what we do have IS really great. I just haven't posted it all. You can only put so much on here as your mind is flowing and looking at all the ins and outs.

[movinon05]

Well it looks like this situation is going to affect this R.

 

Last night I was babysitting my granddaughter and while she slept I jumped online. BF was there and said "I'm coming over." I guess because since I have to go see my mom in the hospital today, he wanted sex since we wouldn't see each other til next weekend. I was surprised because he worked hard all day and has to work today too.

 

So anyway, I said ok. But did not expect to talk to him about this because of the late hour, too many people around and I was also babysitting. I was fine playing with the baby cooing and all and in a good state of mind (babies are good for that!) and he was dozing on and off on the couch.

 

Later on when we went to bed, and in the middle of the night, the sex started. I was into it until the thoughts came back about his exGF and what he said and I could not stop thinking about it. And again this morning before he left, it kept popping into my mind as we had another go! But now something is missing. I'm seeing him differently. Rather than seeing a man I enjoy, I'm seeing a man I don't really know. As I lay there, I started thinking that maybe I should just copy this whole thread (sans names) and send it to him and he could see what is going on in my mind and ask him to talk about it when he's ready. I figure if I'm willing to let him see what's written here, it will open eyes and maybe open doors about this problem and the other problems I'm having. I'm afraid that trying to fit it all in one conversation would leave points out. I won't see him til next weekend, so there's time to think about this more, but now its obviously affecting the R and it now seems I'm definitely going to have to do something about it.

[Sami_D]

... in the middle of the night, the sex started. I was into it until the thoughts came back about his exGF and what he said and I could not stop thinking about it.

 

(((( movinon ))))

 

How could you go through with that..? He came round for sex, and you hid all your thoughts and feelings and had sex with him?

 

And... copying this thread rather than telling him what's happened..?

 

No communication between you two... he's hiding something, so are you... and you're doing the deed and it's not making you closer.. .just...

 

Ah, movinon...

[movinon05]

(((( movinon ))))

 

How could you go through with that..? He came round for sex, and you hid all your thoughts and feelings and had sex with him?

 

And... copying this thread rather than telling him what's happened..?

 

No communication between you two... he's hiding something, so are you... and you're doing the deed and it's not making you closer.. .just...

 

Ah, movinon...

 

Yeah I know. But I did not have the opportunity to discuss this and if I hadn't been with him, he would've known SOMETHING was up and the time was not right to discuss it. I don't feel bad about having sex with him. After all, he is not an MM, we are a couple, and I don't believe he has done anything physically with the exGF. But the sex, for me, and he himself, is now diminished in my eyes. And I realized it last night. That is why I am realizing something has to now be done. Yes, we're both hiding something. But my exMM is not what I am worried about. I can tell him about that. Its the reading his posts that I am hiding.

 

I know. Our communication is terrible. The more I think about it, it sucks. Although we have both realized that we are brutally honest with each other when discussing anything else. Its our feelings for each other that we have not gone into depth with since we had our first discussion last January.

[Sami_D]

movinon check your emails.

 

and... I know you know... I'm just... here. Got nothing more pressing to do than chat about things with people I feel I have something in common with.