SandSeven Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 Let me start by thanking everyone that has posted here. I stumbled into this forum looking for answers, and I’ve been reading post for 3 hours from verious forums and am now trying to get my head together. I have posted this on another forum but I'm trying to get as many suggestions as possible. It has been very helpful reading and I found out I’m not alone in this, but now I need to tell my story and get someone else’s point of view. I know I won’t find anything definitive, but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I’ve been in a wonderful relationship for 6 years now. We met at work while I had just finished high school and she was a junior. We’ve lived together for 4 years. We’ve only had one real problem that occurred 7 months ago. We started to drift apart and she wasn’t happy with me. I was not motivated in life and out of school working in a dead in job. We had a long talk and decided to separate for a while, but we never really separated. I turned my life completely around and things were wonderful for the next 6 months. About a month ago I could see something was wrong. I asked what was going on but she wouldn’t tell me, and I let it go until a couple days ago. It was about a month ago also that I started realizing a coworker of hers was text messaging her on her cell a lot. I didn’t think much of it until I got the nerve to snoop. The message said, “Goodnight beautiful. You know what else I want to say.” I didn’t jump to conclusions right off the bat for several reasons. First and foremost she has always been a very honest person. Second I know the guy and have been out drinking with her and him a few times, and I sensed he had feelings for her, but I just couldn’t believe she would do anything. I figured he confessed about his feelings to her and she accepted that and didn’t want to end the friendship with him over this. Wow the power of rationalization!!!!!! For the next few weeks I looked at her text messages and didn’t find anything confirming my first inclinations; however, two nights ago I found one that said, “Norm is going out of town for 3 days.” / “I love you and want you next to me.” As soon as I read this I ran upstairs and confronted her about it. She denied having anything going on with him. She said that he loved her but that was it. I didn’t believe her and got her to admit that she did have feelings for him but nothing had happened. I still didn’t believe her and she finally said she was drunk and kissed him at a bar one night and doesn’t even remember which bar. She said that she couldn’t find a way to tell me that she wanted space to find herself and see what else is out there, and that the cheating was just an indirect result. I just can't believe this at all. Now I don’t know if I believe that is all that happened but this is all I can get out of her. What should I do about this? After reading another post about the 12 year relationship where the girl never admitted anything until there was evidence, How can I ever get her to tell me everything or be sure she's telling the truth? She is claiming our problems don’t lie with him but with her desire to find out “what” else (not who else she claims) is out there. She says she’s feels the need to find herself by going out with her girlfriends. I understand this because she’s hasn’t had a life without a relationship since she was 15. I would have given all the time in the world to find herself without me, but finding it through someone else. I know she feels horrible about it and I made sure I said whatever it took to make her feel as guilty as possible in the heat of the moment. I’m done with that now I hope because hurting her more doesn’t solve anything. I am trying to just analyze the situation and figure out my options. During our discussion her desire to continue the relationship changed, after she told me about the kiss and her feeling towards him. She said that she wanted to do everything in her power to make things right and be with me, and that she will not see him (luckily he works at another branch the department store). I do believe completely that it is over with him. She wanted to hug me and lay with me and comfort me, but there was no way that was going to happen. I know she is hurt too, but it’s her own fault. She’ll get no sympathy from me. A sudden shift like that makes me believe she is only wanted to keep the “safe relationship” because she’s scared of losing it. And if that’s the case then I don’t want to be in it anyways. I don’t believe she is telling me everything, and I’ve grilled her for hours about it the last couple of days. So far my instincts have been pretty good so I don’t know what to think. Knowing the details isn’t absolutely necessary, but knowing how far it went is for me. I would like to know the details for my own closure, so I can put all this together. I believe she won’t admit to sleeping with him out of fear of it being over. If I do find out she has not come clean and told me everything, I can’t see a way to fix it. Assuming everything is true what do I do? I know she loves me and I love her, but I don’t know if I can be with some one that would do that to me. I mean I’m working 40 hours a week and going to school fulltime. I always make sure to make time for her. I cook, clean, do the shopping, and all the little things. To make it worse I found out on the night before my first of 4 finals in 2 days. I have not had much time to think about things until a few hours ago when I came to this forum. I’ve had 3 hours of sleep in the last 2 days because of work and school. With all this emotional stress coupled with work and school, I can’t think clearly. I know it’s long and if you’ve made it this far, I thank you. I don’t have anyone to talk to in my life except her because of the crazy hours with work and school, so I came here. I need some advise on what I should do. I don’t know which way I’m leaning right now, but reading all your post has given me a lot of insight on how to deal with this. My first inclinations were that I was at fault and I felt embarrassed and unworthy. Your posts have made me realize it’s all her and that feels really good. I know I’ve done everything to make her happy and she messed it up, not me. If I do decide on staying the relationship, what should I do? I will try not to yell and use guilt for revenge, but that’s going to be hard. I want her to feel pain too, but I know it won’t solve anything. Any suggestions on how to forgive and restore trust would be appreciated. And if I don’t decide to take her back, I’ll be using your post to help me get on with my life. Thanks again for reading this and letting me get it off my chest. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Response after we talked tonight. Thanks for the responses. It means so much to have someone to talk to. We have had a long talk tonight, but I have made no decisions. I need time to really think about this. At least now I realize I'm 100 times stronger than ever I believed. Knowing that I can go on without her is huge for me. I didn't think I could 7 months ago; however, after going through what I've been through the last 7 months, I feel like I can do anything. It's hard because I know she loves me and realizes the ramifications of her actions, but it took me confronting her for her to realize this. I'm so confused because I don't want to throw away a relationship I've been in for a fourth of my life that could be saved. I do not know if it can be saved right now but that's why I'm here. I just want to make the right decision. I also found out that another coworker had feelings for her 4 months ago. He was her old boss and a friend of both of us. She told me this tonight. I always wondered why we stopped hanging out with him and his pregnant wife. She was good friends with his wife and admitts she hates him for it. I believe every word of this because all the facts I have verify it. I don't know if this really means anything but it's just another thing to think about. And as the finals have gone so far, I've done very well. I was surprised that I was able to deal with this and get 4 months of studying crammed into to a few days. I'm pretty bad with procastinating, but I'm really good at cramming. I'm going to carry a good gpa this semester and will hopefully get into law school. I realized how motivated I was for myself not for her these last couple of days. 7 months ago I would have done this for her, but now I am so happy to realize it's for ME. Tonight I also expressed my dissatifaction in the relationship. I'm a people pleaser and have to have to everybody to like me, so I let her get her way too much. At least I'm learning. I almost feel like this could be a good thing in my life. I'm reallly hurt but the desire for more is really kicking in. I have to decide if I believe she can appriate me for who I am. And about the problems 7 months ago, I take the blame for that. I was distant to her. I spent a lot of time away from her going out with my friends and would only go to sleep with her once a week at most. Part of it was my job started at 5 pm and hers at 7 am, but I made no effert to be with her. I was not there for her finacially or mentally. However, since then, I have been nothing but a machine that loves and cares. I need to find out if the thought of losing me will help her realize what we had and what we could lose like the thought of losing her did for me.
THX2000 Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 First and foremost I sympathize completely with you as the same thing happened to me last fall. You sound eerily similar to how I sounded to. Making excuses for her and putting the blameon yourself. DON'T! She is lying to you and will not fess up unless you can provide concrete proof and back her into a corner. My ex had woven a web of lies and just wouldn't stop until I proved she was lying - even then she still tried to deny it. You need to dump this chick ASAP. She has s*** all over you and your relationship and staying with her validates her behaviour. Cheaters are selfish liars and you need to know that you deserve better. I was months away from proposing to my ex when I found out so you know how tough it was for me to walk away but I had to and so do you. No contact in the future either. Purge this chick from your life.
mental_traveller Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Look, once the trust goes in a relationship, it's pretty much curtains. She's lied to your face about cheating with another man, after 6-7 years together. If she had confessed right away, maybe you'd have a chance to salvage it. But she barefaced lied to you, the person she supposedly loves. Is this how you treat the person you love & respect in your life? Let's take a look at the proven facts, and then the possible outcomes: 1) She has no problem lying to your face when you confront her with something 2) If men try to get into her pants, she doesn't tell you about it 3) She has cheated at least once behind your back with a mutual friend, and she's capable of being out with you both whilst hiding that from you 4) She told they guy you were going away for 3 days - that implies cold-blooded pre-planning, rather than a rash mistake in a moment of drunken-ness or despair. 5) Her guy on the side said he wanted to be next to her, implying they've done this or were just about to. You think they'd be next to each other and just talk about the weather? 6) Her guy said "ish I could say more" i.e. implying they've gone a lot further than the texts Now the possibilities: 1) This is the first time she's slipped up, and she has only kissed him and had an emotional affair. IMO this is extremely unlikely 2) They've gone further and were about to take it to a full-blown physical affair 3) They've already had sex once if not multiple times over a period of months 4) She has been cheating on you with more than one guy, for anything from a few months to the whole of the relationship IMO I would say it's 2) at the very least, most likely 3), and possibly 4). I think you know what to do. You've already rationalised and excused her behaviour, only for it to come back and bite you in the ass. Don't make the same mistake again. You've proven you can sort yourself out without her. In your hour of need, rather than support and help you, she hung you out to dry and started boning not just a stranger but a mutual friend, and god knows what else with this married dude. I think it's time to wake up, kick this lying, cheating woman out of your life, and get with a decent upstanding person you can trust. Since it can be hard to go, it will be very tempting for you to give her a chance, or at least try to find definitive proof of a physical affair before you dump her for good. It might satisfy your curiousity, and certainly she'll never tell you the truth voluntarily. So why not use a key-logger, private investigator, camera, voice recorder etc and find out what's up? Check her cellphone records and see how often they've called, etc etc. But really this won't bring the trust back, it will just make things worse. Best to leave now IMO.
Gemini1975 Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 What if she isn't lying. What if it was just a kiss? There is no excusse not even being drunk for accidently kissing somoeone. You don't accidently kiss someone you make a decission too. It is still cheeting. She may have realized that she made a mistake and promissed to herself that it would never ever happen again. Maybe that is why she didn't tell you. I know for me im married I made a huge mistake I kissed a friend that I have known for years. I had a crush on him for a long time and one night we talked about are feelings got caught up in a moment and I kissed him. I innitiated it I take full blame. I made a huge mistake. It took me a little while to realize it - we used to text back and forth as well, just friendly chat, we never talked about being togehter we never talked about anything other then stuff we have always talked about sports stuff like that. My feelings started to grow for him and one month latter I had to make a decission - do I let this go any farther - it doesn't just happen by the way. You make a conscious decission to continue an affair. I decided to end it right there. I phoned him told him I love my husband that I had made a mistake and I was not interested in having an affair. I never told my husband because I had made a decission that I would never as long as we were still married ever cheat again. I was afraid of his reactions, I was afraid of hurting him and I knew if I had told him he would of thought It was more then a kiss. Maybe she made the same mistake I did. If so then I hope she learned from it. I hope she realizes what she has done and takes steps to correct it - like I did. If she is a repeat offender then I would say move on. If she is not maybe a 2nd chance. Remeber there are alot of people on the webpage with broken hearts and harsh words. Although it helps to talk it out - make your own decissions.
Guest Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I never told my husband because I had made a decission that I would never as long as we were still married ever cheat again. I was afraid of his reactions, I was afraid of hurting him and I knew if I had told him he would of thought It was more then a kiss. Gemini: The hurt was when you had your affair, not if you were 2 tell your H the truth. Ac2ally, hiding the truth adds insult 2 injury. What if he finds out years later? What if you're tempted again? You've managed 2 hide what happened so far, so you might figure you got away with it. A prominent marriage coach once said "And affair is what your spouse thinks it is". I would imagine that having secret conversations via text messages with this friend of yours, and certainly confessing your feelings for one another, then kissing, would be considered an affair by your spouse. Do him (and you) the favor of confiding in him about what happened, so you both can learn from the experience, and make your marriage stronger. -ol' 2long
amblin Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Man, cut your losses and move on. If a chick is willing to throw away 6 years of a good relationship over a lusty kiss, then she ain't worth it. Did she even attempt to fend off the guy? Sounds more like she was encouraging the guy to pursue her and had no problems about it until you found out. If she truly wants to be with you, then she's highly irresponsible for letting her friendship develop into a dangerous and flirtatious relationship. To me, it sounds like you have already lost the girl anyway. The attention you give her is not enough and she likes to feel attractive to other people. In other words, she wants the single life. But she might also want you as a "doormat" to come back to. Please respect yourself enough to not be one of them. Do you think she would have EVER told you what was really going on if you hadn't snooped? Good luck, but dump the chick. It'll be her loss.
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