Relationship with older man...

[Spank'n'Rationality]

Now, I have never really found many older guys attractive, but there is one man whom I have been aquainted with for a couple of months now, and we have gotten along really well. He is always kind to me, winks at me, and buys me little gifts. He looks REALLY good for his age (HOT !!). However, I'm not sure if he likes me as a SO, or if he is just being "fatherly." Like the other day, he and I went out to eat (we were in a group of ten people), and he was at the other end of the table, so we didn't get to speak very often. Anyway, the next day I saw him, and we were talking, and he was like, "Last night, I was watching you...from a far." I just adore him! I mean, if he were my age, I wouldn't mind just telling him that I like him (rather than play the "relationship-guessing-game"), but I don't know how an older man would respond to that kind of blatent approach. I mean, how can I know if he likes me as more than a "daughter-figure" without coming out and directly asking? I mean, I really would like to attempt a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to go about it when there is a 17 year differance between us? Oh, and just so no one gets the wrong idea, I am an adult (21). I would really like some advice from some older people, or younger people who have been in a relationship with an older man/woman.

[Curmudgeon]

Hate to burst your bubble but a man of 38 is still a kid and nowhere near being an "older man!"

[Spank'n'Rationality]

Hate to burst your bubble but a man of 38 is still a kid and nowhere near being an "older man!"

 

Um, well, when he is pushing 40, and I am 21, he seems older to me; I mean, he is nearly old enough to be my father. The term is vague and relative, but IMO 38 is older than the men I am use to dating. So, do you have advice, or do you just wish to debate age and the definiton of "older"?

[Citizen Erased]

Um' date=' well, when he is pushing 40, and I am 21, he seems older to me; I mean, he is nearly old enough to be my father. The term is vague and relative, but IMO 38 is older than the men I am use to dating. So, do you have advice, or do you just wish to debate age and the definiton of "older"?[/quote']

 

Wow defensive much? It was a joke...

[Spank'n'Rationality]

Wow defensive much? It was a joke...

 

Okay, I am defensive . I just feel like there is something wrong with me; my friends keep telling me I have a "daddy-complex" and I am crazy to like someone who is 38 when I have a selection of 21 year olds to choose from (being at college and all)...I really need advice! I am not saying he is OLD I am saying he is OLDER than I am use to dating. So, please, any open-minded advice would be really appreciated; I thought I could get that (open-minded advice, that is) from my friends, but apparently not...

[Touche]

He's ABSOLUTELY 100% NOT interested in you as a kind of daughter figure. Trust me. Been there done that. I was 24 and he was 43. It went on for 9 years. We even married. It was a disaster.

 

Look, I'm not saying that it won't work for you because it might. But normally this is a f***ed up situation. He's either looking for someone to dominate or you're looking for a father figure (without realizing it) or a lethal combination - as was the case for me.

 

Watch out!

 

But NO, I'd bet my LAST DOLLAR that there's more to this than father/daughter. Please watch out. My life was almost ruined by a realationship like this.

[ImWithHim]

If the attraction is there from both viewpoints I don't see the harm...

 

ETA: I agree with the above. You at 21 and him at 38, not a father figure interest on his part.

[whichwayisup]

Yup. Age means nothing unless you make it BE an issue. If you two feel something and there isn't a wife or anybody else involved, I say go for it!

 

And don't worry what others think, you can't control that anyway! What counts is what you two think.

[Citizen Erased]

Its cool. I dont think you have a 'daddy complex'. I think that those 21 year old boys you 'should' be into are all snivelling horny little weasels who wouldnt know maturity if it came up and kicked them in the balls.

 

Perhaps you want someone you know you can have companionship with, mature conversations etc etc (although, as C pointed out, they are all boys when it comes down to it ). Age is really a matter of opinion in my books. If you both do not have a problem with it then screw everyone else!

 

Just treat this like any other potential relationship.

[Spank'n'Rationality]

Thank you guys so much for your replies. I mean, I had never really considered his age to be an issue, until I told my friends that I liked him, then it was, "OMG! Why? He could be your father!" So, I started thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me to like him. The only thing is, I KNOW he thinks about my age; he is always telling me how lucky I am to be 21, and how he has shoes older than me. So, I started thinking maybe it really is just a "fatherly" affection (but Touche has given me hope...well, regarding him not liking me as a daughter-figure anyway ). He is a fairly conservative guy, so I am unsure of how to let him know that I like him without putting him on the spot (like maybe he wants to be the one to tell me; he is one of those guys who I think thinks it is the man's place to do the confronting as far as feelings are concerned). So, how can I definately let him know that I like him without telling him, or acting totally foolish (think legelly blonde "bend and snap" foolish )?

[ImWithHim]

I can't think of any 38 year old male who is not related to me that looks at me in a fatherly way. Rest assured, he's likely interested but may be fighting the urges & thinking there's something wrong with him for going so young.

[Touche]

Thank you guys so much for your replies. I mean' date=' I had never really considered his age to be an issue, until I told my friends that I liked him, then it was, "OMG! Why? He could be your father!" So, I started thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me to like him. The only thing is, I KNOW he thinks about my age; he is always telling me how lucky I am to be 21, and how he has shoes older than me. So, I started thinking maybe it really is just a "fatherly" affection (but Touche has given me hope...well, regarding him not liking me as a daughter-figure anyway ). He is a fairly conservative guy, so I am unsure of how to let him know that I like him without putting him on the spot (like maybe he wants to be the one to tell me; he is one of those guys who I think thinks it is the man's place to do the confronting as far as feelings are concerned). So, how can I definately let him know that I like him without telling him, or acting totally foolish (think legelly blonde "bend and snap" foolish )?[/quote']

 

Wow, I REALLY hate to advise you on this because I feel like I'm sending you into a lion's den BUT in my case, the attraction was very obvious and since he was my boss I knew he wouldn't make the first move so one day after work I just casually said that I was going out for a drink and would he like to join me. And the rest was a VERY bad history. s***, I PRAY that this goes better than it did for me. HE's so very obviously interested.

 

I mean geezzz, 38 IS NOT ancient...he's still young. Young and horny. Good luck..have a feeling you're going to need it!

[ImWithHim]

Any relationship can end badly. Just because you had a bad outcome does not mean it was due to the age alone.

[Rosalind]

the age gap is kinda big...I dated a few older men when I was your age - I found them sexy...but a fundamental difference existed between us, the relationships didn't last...we just weren't on the same playing field.

[tikigods]

Its not has big as an age gap, but my husband and I are 9 years apart and we get along swimmingly

[catgirl1927]

Someone who is 21 is probably in a completely different place emotionally than someone who is 38. But, that certainly doesn't mean that it won't work. It's not about numbers, it's about people. Sure, there's a risk there because of the age difference that wouldn't be there if he were 21 too. BUT, since he's not 21, there's lots of other risks that aren't there.

 

Be careful calling people in their 30s old. One of us might just lay down in front of the white van...

[jerbear]

IMO, I believe one should not date someone who could have spawned them.

 

My mom was young when she had me, so I avoid relationships with women who are 10 years older than me. Who knows what I would say when I'm 80, 90, or 100.

[longlegzs80]

I was once in the same boat. I am 25 now and the guy I am I guess still having relationships with is 39. The sex with an older man is great. As much as I like the young ones around my age, they are not up to my level of maturity therefor I find them unattractive and idiotic. It is nice to have a date with an older man and if things hit it off then great, but with such an age difference and going from experience, he probubly has alot of baggage, maybe kids, ex wives etc. So, just to prepare you and with you being young you could be getting yourself into a mess that you don't need to deal with. Fully warning you and giving you the heads up.

 

I think a date would be great and see where it leads. Best of luck to you and keep us posted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now' date=' I have never really found many older guys attractive, but there is one man whom I have been aquainted with for a couple of months now, and we have gotten along really well. He is always kind to me, winks at me, and buys me little gifts. He looks REALLY good for his age (HOT !!). However, I'm not sure if he likes me as a SO, or if he is just being "fatherly." Like the other day, he and I went out to eat (we were in a group of ten people), and he was at the other end of the table, so we didn't get to speak very often. Anyway, the next day I saw him, and we were talking, and he was like, "Last night, I was watching you...from a far." I just adore him! I mean, if he were my age, I wouldn't mind just telling him that I like him (rather than play the "relationship-guessing-game"), but I don't know how an older man would respond to that kind of blatent approach. I mean, how can I know if he likes me as more than a "daughter-figure" without coming out and directly asking? I mean, I really would like to attempt a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to go about it when there is a 17 year differance between us? Oh, and just so no one gets the wrong idea, I am an adult (21). I would really like some advice from some older people, or younger people who have been in a relationship with an older man/woman.[/quote']

[Spank'n'Rationality]

I really appreciate all the replies! I still don't know what I am going to do though. I haven't seen him for a few days; he is away on business until Monday, so I probably won't see him until Tuesday. I just don't know how to go about letting him know that I like him. I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing, and when he is ready to make his move, he will.

 

Oh, and to longlegz comment regarding baggage: he does have quite a lot of that, and that is one thing that worries me. He has been married twice, and has a daughter that he doesn't really associate with. Plus, though he seems really charming to me, he says some things that I find to be questionable; like the other day he went to visit his disabled mother, and he said that he was going to, "Babysit her." I guess I just would not view visiting my disabled mother as "babysitting" her. He doesn't like children; he said he made a really big mistake with the first marriage (the one he had his daughter with; they don't associate at all), and he has been divorced with his second wife for a year now (they were married for seven years). He is a workaholic (which doesn't bother me, but he doesn't have much free personal time). Anyway, the reason he divorced his second wife is because she didn't work, pay attention to him, etc.; she was only with him for his money (so he says; I don't know the woman myself).

 

Anyway, I just don't know; I really like him, and I see potential, but he has become a little jaded about dating I think. Besides, I am not even sure that he likes me. Grrr, I don't know, I guess I will just wait and see where this goes.

[serial muse]

Hey Spankn - is this the same guy you posted about in the other thread? Because if so, I don't think his age is so much an issue as possible other things - he sounds a bit embittered and capricious, and...well, not very nice.

 

I don't know, I could be missing something. But he doesn't sound like a great person from the stuff you've said (aside from the weird avoiding you thing, he's also materialistic, talks about "babysitting" his disabled mom, is estranged from his daughter, talks bad about exes). I could see being upset about a failed relationship, but for some reason the various stuff you've described about him goes beyond having some "baggage" and is ringing warning bells for me that he's going to be pretty selfish, if not an outright jerk, in the long run. If it's the same guy, he's already causing you grief. Is it more than a sexual attraction for you?

[Curmudgeon]

You probably won't like this either but this guy sounds very self-absorbed, not very giving and commitment phobic, especially as her doesn't even have a relationship with his daughter who's his only child.

 

You're only 21 and I would guess that, in time, you might want to have a child or two yourself. Obviously, he's no great candidate for fatherhood even to the point of saying he doesn't even like children.

 

His "babysitting" speaks to a duty but not to love or compassion. I would question anyone who considers spending time with a disabled parent as an obvious chore.

 

He clearly places no value on either of his former wives and that's a red flag all by itself. He sounds selfish, grasping and controlling. As for baggae, my wife and I brought an aggregate 98 years of it into our marriage and it took both of us being willing to work through it to make things work. My best guess is that's he'd simply deny and ignore his, just as he ignores those who are/were in his life now.

 

Not only do I think you can do better, I think you shouldn't waste any more time on him.

 

As for my previous remark about age, it was tongue-in-cheek since I have a child only two years younger than he is.

[Spank'n'Rationality]

Oh no. This is not the same guy. I am in college, so my roommate and I share a computer; she doesn't have an account on here, so she just used mine. Yeah, that guy is a jerk; he is our age, and treats people in general badly. This guy I am talking about I know from work; he left a month ago, but he and some of us from work still go out sometimes. He doesn't bash his exes, he still talks with the ex-2nd wife. He just told me that the first marriage lasted two-minutes and he had made a big mistake with her. He really cared for his 2nd wife, but she didn't work, and expected him to keep their two houses, etc. etc. It was just a bit of a mess from what he has told me. However, he is pretty selfish, but so am I...so it could still work out .

[Curmudgeon]

Obviously I'm confused. The one who babysits his mother isn't the older guy you originally posted about? If that's the case then somewhere I missed the shift!

[Spank'n'Rationality]

Haha, oh, no you are not confused. I was responding to serial muse's comment regarding a different thread that my roommate posted awhile ago that had to do with someone else; I should have quoted her, so it wouldn't be as confusing.

 

Anyway, I appreciate your comments Curmudgeon. I agree that I should probably think twice about having a relationship with him, but he is so charming and kind (to me anyway), and I think his relationship with his daughter is more to do with his first wife not wanting him involved with her. Oh, and regarding children, no, I don't want any. If I ever did decide to "have" children, I would adopt, but that won't happen anytime soon.

 

So, Curmudgeon, you are older, how would you want someone younger to approch you? Or what would someone have to do to get your attention?

[Curmudgeon]

I can understand about his relationship, or lack thereof, with his daughter. The ex severely alienated my two youngest daughters from me for 10 years until the girls figured it out for themselves and left her home, moving in with their oldest sister and her family. Then they got back in touch with me and I helped get custody of the youngest (then 16) away from the ex. Now we have lovely relationships and the ex has none with any of the children for all intents and purposes.

 

As for younger women approaching me, it happened several times when I was between marriages and I found a subtle approach to be the best. Anything more, regardless of age, come across to me as hungry and needy. For the record, I remained friendly but never "responded." It's not that younger women are anything less than lovely and sometimes more. I simply preferred being with someone at or near my own age. I did't feel compelled to trade the 44-year old ex on two 22-year olds, contrary to popular myths regarding older men. My wife is only two years younger than I am which makes her three years older than the ex.

 

How could they go about getting my attention? Well, short of a slow, sensuous and very sexy striptease, I suppose the best way is to be demurely approachable, fun and comfortable to be around and above all, very real and natural while just distant enough to be intriguing and challenging. Easy is off-putting! Overly sexy is intimidating and sends up red flags and game-playing is an instant turn-off. So is giggly teenage-type behavior. I like women of substance, character and maturity regardless of age. Great legs don't hurt either!