What on earth is going on?!?!

[CoNfUsEdF21]

Hi everyone, I'm new here.. just thought I would give this a go cos I really need some advice about a guy.

I've known this guy since January - we met online and then met in person about 2 weeks later. All was fine - we are both shift workers in sort of the same industry and contact wasnt a major problem - he would call me at work at 3am sometimes if we were both at work, or email or IM through the systems at work. We dont work in the same office though. We live about an hour away from each other.

Anyway, we were really getting to know each other, we got to third date stage and it was all coming along quite well - he even came with me to my best friends engagement party. (I asked him if this would spin him out and he said he had no drama with it) .. He put his name on the card and even signed all the stuff that was being passed around.

On our third date which was about 4 weeks ago, we went to a pub and had a drink, then drove to this awesome cinema with recliners and complimentary champagne etc, he wouldnt let me pay, or even pay half. It cost him a fortune. Anyway, we seen some cheesy movie, then went back and had another drink at the same hotel. He walked me to my car and then came the nervous chit chat. Then I hugged him as he was about to leave,and he kissed me. So we went our separate ways and he called me on the way home to let me know he had gotten home ok, and I did the same when I got home. All was good. About a week later, I told him I wanted more kisses (hehe) and he said he did too.

Since then, some stuff has happened at his work and he may have contracted HIV. (He is a police officer and it was during arresting someone). This doesnt phase me at all and I was willing to support him through that, he knows this. So, in the last 4 weeks, contact with him has sort of faded, and he wont take my calls, let alone call me. I've asked him a few times what on earth is going on via SMS cos this is the only way I can contact him. I've had a few responses ranging from "You've done nothing wrong, this is just my way of coping with things that have been happening" and "The blood tests (for the HIV etc) are the least of my worries, its a lot more than that. I'm not intentionally trying to exclude you." And to my question of what does he want from us, he just said "I dont know." .. This was fine and tried to give him the space he needed then ended up getting frustrated because I asked him to tell me what was wrong, in order to help him. I mean, what could be worse than what he had already told me? I asked him again, what he wanted and what he needed me to do and that he needs to tell me what is going on because I cant just wait around for him. He said "You're right, its not fair - I'm sorry. I dont expect you to wait around while I sort my stuff out. I dont expect you to care but I do appreciate the sentiment. I'm angry, ashamed and depressed all at the same time and I havent been speaking to people in general - dont take it personally."

 

So, I just told him again that I was there for him and told him if he needed me, I'm here. I sent him a little package through the mail system at work (cos he moved during these 4 weeks and I dont know where he lives now) with a happy CD (happy music to cheer him) and 2 crystals (one for a study aid cos he is also doing uni part time as well as working full time and another to increase self worth) ... he messaged me last night and told me he should get them Sunday.

 

 

Now.. thats the full story, basically. What on earth is going on?? Can anyone tell me? If it helps, he is 25 next month and is the type of guy you cannot argue with - very blase' and doesnt get angry.

 

Someone please help, I dont know what to do from here . I really like him and want to keep seeing him. The only contact I have with him is via phone at the moment which is good for him cos he can choose when he wants to speak to me, and I cant email him at work anymore because he is going on holidays after his shift on Sunday - I dont know how long for, or even if the leave is voluntary, if you know what I mean.

 

Am I just being thick and not seeing that he is no longer interested? As you can see, I have asked him, and have also asked him to stop being so indecisive... this hasnt worked.

[Sand&Water]

Welcome, CoNfUsEdF21.

 

He's going through a very difficult time in his life. More possibly, emotionally paralyzing. There is a lot of tension, he's trying to resolve things at his own pace.

 

I suggest, you support him as best as you can. Be there for him, help him out with any little things. Any little aid will mean a bunch to him. Give him his space, and let him know that you're still interested.

 

Right now, he is naturally pushing you away. He may not realize the consequences of his actions, but be patient. Maintain contact via phone, the net, or e-mail -- unless he specifically asks you not to contact him.

 

Hope this helps. Best of Luck.

[CoNfUsEdF21]

Thanks Sand&Water.

Its good to have a change from "Tell him to go to hell cos you deserve better" and "dont speak to him unless he speaks to you" ... as my friends are saying. Thats not the answer... I guess I'm going to have to try and give him his space but also find a happy medium in that respect and try and maintain contact enough to let him know I'am still interested. Not as easy as it sounds right??? Theres no point to playing mind games and pushing him away in retaliation.

The funny thing is, I've asked him to just tell me if he wants to be left alone and if he was still interested and I got the response that I initially posted - that indicates to me that he is terrified of what is going on but is too proud to admit that he needs someone there for him, when he is ready to speak. I tend to think that if he was no longer interested, he would just say so. He isnt the type to play games, and I think that him telling me he is depressed and angry and confused is his way of expressing how he is feeling withing asking directly for help.

 

Someone also pointed out to me, with his profession (I also work in a similar environment, Iwork with a lot of officers and see it a lot) he is taught to be void of any emotion and the expression of any emotion is frowned upon.

[whichwayisup]

If you like him, stick around and wait it out. He seems to be one of those type of men who won't ask for help, and needs to sort things out on his own. He has been VERY honest and upfront with you.

 

Listen to your gut. I think you're right, if he wasn't into you he would tell you and not keep you hanging.

[CoNfUsEdF21]

I think so too. He is a very good person and it makes me angry that these things happen to such good people. Its just.. very difficult for me. I'm trying not to be selfish because I know what he is going through is about 100 times worse.. Its just incredibly frustrating to know that he is going through so much and I'm not able to support him. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night - I pray that he is doing ok and that he will get through this.

There is just a niggling feeling that there is more he is not telling me. When he said that his problems are much greater than the blood test thing, hes left it at that and refuses to elaborate.

I miss him so much - I miss his voice, and I miss.. the little things.

 

I'm attempting to undergo HUGE changes in my life - that is, my life that doesnt involve him - I'm loosing weight, I'm saving money for my first house, I'm changing for the better as a person and it makes me sad that he is missing out on seeing that.

 

[aleatoryd]

The person you've met sounds like a nice guy who has a lot going on. He paid for you to do stuff - not buying favours or to make you feel indebted but because he is probably old fashioned - a man's man who does the right thing for the woman. I think he respects you because he seems to have treated you well and moved things at the pace you set. So if that is who he seems to be I'd give him space.

 

As a guy I know what it's like to have a 101 problems but keep it all to myself. It's how some of us deal with issues. The realistic thing is that you don't actually know him. His history, past and maybe work or family related issues. It's entirely possible that his "world has collapsed" and being the decent guy he doesn't want to drag you into it. Also if he's a police officer and conditioned as you say then he might not want to be vulnerable or weak not even to you.

 

Until you learn more just give him the time and space he needs and hang in there for him. Prayer is good. I think he'll appreciate you for sticking by him. Also he may not say it but if he wanted tou to leave him he would so he's very much aware of how you feel. Keep us updated on how things go and as it develops I'm sure there'll be better insight to offer advice. Good luck and take care.

[CoNfUsEdF21]

Thanks A,

You know what? You're right. Your comments sort of made me open my eyes a bit - I really dont know him as well as I would like to. I feel that given time, and opportunity (some movie I watched recently said that opportunity is just fate + luck?) then we will get there. I remain optimistic that things will work out, but given the current circumstances, perhaps that should just be placed on hold for a little while, at least until he figures out where he is. What do you think about the possibility that even though all of these things have happened, on top of these occurences, he is just scared? He did tell me once his ex was a total psycho... I'm wondering if I have come on too strongly and if I have scared him away, maybe just partially.

 

You're right. Ill give him the space he requires until he is ready to speak to me about all of this. If that time doesnt come, then I will eventually move on and just be his friend.

 

I just read your post re the dating website and the woman you were speaking to.. hows that working out?

[CoNfUsEdF21]

So.. since I posted the last time, he did call last Sunday.. twice. But he got called out on urgent jobs each time, so each convo was only about 5 mins and we didnt even speak about anything of value, just the usual.

 

He actually called to let me know he was going into hospital on Monday but that it was "no big deal" and not to concern myself. He wont tell me what the problem is ... I dont know whats going on. I messaged him on Tuesday to see how he was and he again said that it was no big deal and totally ignored the offer of assistance I gave. Didnt even say "no, thankyou". I asked him if he wanted to catch up before Thursday - I was off work until then - and not even a reply. I dont know if he is out of hospital - he didnt know how long he was going in for - he said it depended on what they found. I dont know what hospital he is/was in, and I'm too proud to swallow my pride and call. 1) Because he will know that I'm still concerning myself about it and this may annoy him and 2) I dont want to face the inevitable fact of him ignoring me.. again. .that is, if he is out of hospital.

 

Its his birthday next week. I think I'm going to leave him alone until then and then send him a message or try and call - just to wish him happy birthday and nothing else. Of course, I would buy him something but I dont feel anything else that I've done like that has been appreciated.

I made him a "happy" CD and sent him some crystals with it - he said he liked them, and thankyou and has again ceased all communication with me.

 

Honestly.. should I quit while I'm ahead? Well, thats a figure of speech, cos I'm not really ahead, am I? I think that despite everything thats gone on, he should still have the common decency to let me know whats going on. For such a smart and strong guy, he really has no courage.

 

[Guest]

Whenever I'm going through a rough time, I completely shut down. I don't want to talk (to anyone) & I sleep a lot. Its nothing personal to anyone important in my life, that's just how I deal with stress & strife. It sounds like he is going through a REALLY tough time & distancing himself from others may be his defense mechanism.

 

I will say though that when in my funks, while I appreciate & NEED my space, a text/e-mail or voicemail here or there from a loved one to let me know I'm in their thoughts goes a long way.

 

Definately don't harp on relationship type things as that will just add to his stress but let him know you're there when he's ready to open up. If he's anything like me - which is sounds like he is - as soon as the future seems brighter, he'll open back up.

[blue skies]

Supposing, God forbid, he has some big medical issue going on, or the possibility of one. Perhaps, during the routine blood tests they would have done immediately after his incident during the arrest, (to get a baseline result) they found some other abnormality in his results - too many white blood cells or something like that.

 

What if he is being tested for something major - like having a biopsy or something? God forbid itis that, but it is a possibility.

 

He had 3 dates with you. It was very early days. He may be afraid that if it is something major, you will stay with him out of pity rather than because you would have stayed with him anyway. He probably wouldn't want to drag you into such a heavy situation. He wants to protect you from that. He is not saying 'no' - in case everything is OK because he still wants to see you afterwards. But I wouldn't mind betting that if there is a problem, he may end things, still without telling you why. In which case you could find out where he is and visit him as a friend, and see what happens.

 

 

Sounds to me like he is a really sweet guy who is thinking of you above his own needs at what is a otugh time for him.

 

Let me know how it goes!

Blue skies.

[CoNfUsEdF21]

Hi everyone!!!!

Its been a while.. I've let things go with it all and just wanted to see where it went.. He is now classed as hurt on duty and is about 4 hours away teaching at the academy. I never found out what was going on - I spoke to him about a week ago and he said he will be there until he is better. I have thought about it and have come to the same conclusion as Blue Skies ... I really think there is something majorly wrong. I think he is ashamed about it and too embarassed to see me. I have completely backed off, but have maintained enough contact when I can to let him know I'm still around and there for him.

 

But, it was bound to come to an end some time - I gave up shortly after making my first post here.. things shouldnt be this difficult, in my opinion anyway.

 

I do miss him. I know that as previously stated, it was early days, but in between the times I saw him, I got to know him pretty well, or so I would like to think. But I know, honestly, in my heart, that its not meant to be.. perhaps thats me being pessimistic and being discouraged, but I honestly believe that if things were going to work out, they would have by now.

 

Thanks to everyone for all of their help - I'm going to move on, and start over, and pray that he gets through this.