Real Feelings or afraid to be alone

[snowcraig]

So here is the deal. I started dating this girl (she is one of my best freinds sister-in-law) last June. It was a long distance thing, about a 6 hour drive. I was having a good time with her, but I wasn't in love with her. I knew that I wasn't in love with her, and that I wasn't going to fall in love with her. I did feel like she was my best freind though. This went on for like 7 months, where we were having a good time, but I wasn't falling for her. Along the way she told me that she loved me, but I couldn't say it back. I was actually waiting for her birthday to get over and then was going to end things, becasue I didn't want to ruin her birthday. But right after her birthday, about 2 months ago, she breaks up with me, saying that she was in love with me, but has been distancing herself for the past couple months since she didn't feel like I was in love with her. Well, at that point, I get really scared to lose her, and tell her I loved her. I am not sure if I really did love her, and it took her ending it to realize it, or if I was afraid of rejection (I have some major depression issues). So for the past two months, we had been trying to make it work. But then 2 weeks ago she ended things, saying, 'she loves and cares for me more than I could ever know, but something isn't right'. I went into a major depression (suicidal), which frightened her allot. I came out of it, and was positive that I was never really in love with her. We went for 10 days NC, and then talked on the phone. After the phone call, I am all confused as to how I really feel about her again. Am I really in love with her, is it confusing because I do care about her allot but not romantically, or am I afraid of being alone? I could use some words of wisdom.

[bonny doon]

wow you sound like the male version of me. ... right down to the very last details...

 

met this guy long distance through some friends of mine while i was on a trip ... about a 6 hour drive. just gotten out of a really intense serious relationship so i really was not looking to jump into anything or at least just trying to get my head in the right place, not wanting to get involved so quickly afterwards. it was convenient that he was that far away...

 

i guess he fell for me pretty quickly ... meanwhile i felt like he was my best friend, you know???? fast forward almost a year later when i'm finally starting to develop some real feelings for him (barely starting to) and about to move to where he is for a new job, and he dumps me out of the blue. said the same thing - he had been distancing himself emotionally from me over the last few months.

 

this was just as i was developing real feelings for him and willing to give it a real try with my heart (specially because now it could become reality with the move). too late. i was pretty crushed. crying all the time, really sad. i still am going to move there (in the next few days, actually!) for the new job (which is a good job that I'm looking forward to) but we won't be dating, obviously.

 

i f*cked up basically. i distanced myself from him the whole time, probably because in my gut i didnt' want to be seriously involved with him. i was frightened of commitment. all i can say to you is, she probably came along at the wrong time for you, just like this guy came into my life at the wrong time and place for me, unfortunately. i had just gotten out of some serious sh** and probably would have told Mr. Prince F*ing Charming to go to hell if he'd have come along.

 

I think for you, you would've known if she was the one for you. You would have felt it in your gut. THat's how I am with people I really fall for. Although now at this point I'm left wondering whether I'm commitment phobic and really only fall for guys I know I can't get (i.e., they are emotionally unavailable a**h***s who are also commitmentphobes) so that I can avoid any kind of commitment. What do you think? Does any of this apply to you?

[snowcraig]

Makes perfect sense to me.

 

I know there were some things about her that drove me nuts. And I had just gotten out of some pretty serious sh*t myself. Nothing ever seemed right with her though, there was never that spark. Not until she left me. Then i had all kinds of spark. The only thing that was always right was that we had a good time everytime we hung out.

 

I keep telling myself that too, that the timing was off.

 

The funny thing was, things went well for a while when we tried to reconcile, but then they fell apart. Its so frustrating, because I don't feel like I can move on until I know how I feel about her. The last time I talked to her, I could tell she still has some strong feelings for me. Which makes it even harder. Arrgghh!!!!!!!!

 

What do I do?

[Guest]

Honestly, I don't think you're in love with her.

 

I think you care for her a great deal and I think the idea of finally closing the door on any possibilities of romance is very painful for you.

 

You probably entertained the 'what if?' visions for quite a long time. It's a comfortable way to coast, as long as no committment is involved. I'm sure once committed, you'd start feeling trapped. Once the relationship is ended, you started feeling very sad and bereft.

This is actually a fairly typical and normal process that many people go through.

 

 

I've personally been on both sides of the fence.

 

I dated a wonderful guy off and on for a couple of years. He really was like a best friend or brother to me, but I never felt that 'spark'. We'd break up and then all of a sudden I'd feel like I'd made the hugest mistake in my life! I'd start hearing soupy, romantic songs and think of him.

I missed the special times we'd spent together and long to reunite.

But everytime we reunited, within weeks I felt stifled and trapped.

 

I couldn't figure this one out for the longest time.

 

I think that it was like this; he was ALMOST the perfect guy. When you've got ALMOST the perfect person is awfully hard to let go of because you think maybe...just maybe...things will click into place.

 

I was also in love with the idea of falling in love and just kept hoping it would happen.

 

It never did and it really just confused the hell out of him and hurt him deeply when I'd leave.

 

In another relationship, I was the person who wanted to take things further while he was the one who wanted to keep it casual.

 

We'd date on and off and on and off. Everytime I'd pull back, he'd pursue me harder.

 

Finally I broke it off for good. I'd met someone else and he went a little nutty; he told me he 'loved' me and that he could see us having a future together, all that stuff. He said it was his past that made it so hard to realize he loved me, that he was just scared and depressed the whole time, etc etc.

 

I was old enough and experienced enough to know differently, thank God.

 

If he'd really loved me, he would have made the effort. I'm sorry, but the two years of frustration and confusion really just cooled the flame until it had burnt out.

I was tired of the cat-and-mouse game.

 

I'm sorry you are going through so much emotional strife, but if the love was really there you would still be with her.

 

It is my true belief that if you only feel a 'spark' when she's gone, the 'spark' is fantasy.

If things never felt right when you were together, you need to trust that.

[Guest]

This is the first time I've done these posts. I've read quite a few lately, but never responded. And sorry to the previous poster with his issue, but I have a problem with a woman I love dearly. So, I'll probably come off as self-absorbed, but I could use some advice.

 

Our 1 year is almost upon us, but she asked for space almost 2 months ago and we had a few problems before then (my drinking and doing awful things I had never done before). During the previous two months, we would still hang out and talk sporadically. I'd come off as needy more often than I should have, but she did tell me I was the love of her life, she still had pictures of us in her room, that we had a good chance at being together once her semester was over and work calmed down.

 

Then one of our friends broke up with his rebound girl (he had a long-distance relationship with someone for roughly two years I think, and I think was just looking for a fling), and my girlfriend (although I should call her my ex from now on) has been very distant since. We talked maybe three times in a few weeks. I was out in another city for one week looking around for jobs, not really considering moving yet, but wanting to keep options open. During that week, she had been in an accident, but didn't tell me til three or four days later, which was a little irksome, but she's like that...not wanting to tell things right away.

 

I took it upon myself to buy a bouquet of Bells of Ireland, because they're supposed to bring good luck and she's been inundated with bad luck as of late. She thanked me, told me she loved them, then we both mutually said we loved each other (I only point that out because I would say it most of the time, with a giggle from her, but never saying it in return). Then, this previous Sunday, I helped her out setting up her classroom (first time I'd seen her in three weeks) and we were flirty, affectionate, etc during the set up time. At the end, she gave me a big hug and a kiss and said she would see me in a couple of weeks, jokingly(?).

 

Then, Thursday morning, I woke up very early in the morning and had a bad feeling. This was a huge mistake, but I went to the aforementioned friends' apartment complex and saw her car there at 5:30 AM. Needless to say, I was a little upset although I hardly want to make a scene. Though I did text her saying I saw the car there and that I didn't want to assume anything nor kick up a fuss, but I wanted to know if this means she is done with me. I know I shouldn't have sent her the text, but I had a freak out. Didn't hear back.

 

Then this morning, I had to go into work super early (4:00 AM), and I saw her car there again. I realize now how deep a hole I've dug by doing this, but I can't help myself. I realize my mistakes of the past and want so badly to make it right this time...but I fear it's too late.

 

My gut instinct tells me that she would tell me if she was into someone else, and even though I almost badgered her about this guy (who, let me clarify, is a very decent person), she insisted that he is a friend, nothing else. Am I naive to think that maybe she's just having a rough go of it lately, could now be having troubles at home (she still lives with her folks), so she goes to him for support because she doesn't feel pressure from him? Or, is my head right in thinking that she is with him now and is happier without me because of my incessant crap? If it is a rebound, and I leave her alone, is it possible she'll come back, even though he is a good guy and they've been friends for quite a while (year, year and a half maybe)? Is she just looking to get her jollies with someone before she decides to come back to me, as some rebounds go?

 

I could use some advice, I'm just a mess right now. I know I've acted childish, but I'm going to work on it, however gut-wrenching it will be not have her around and know that, possibly, she could be happier with another guy. I love her do damn much and want her back to work on us for a longer period of time. I always held women at a distance all my life and have had self-esteem issues. I finally found the one I was looking for, but because I'm a somewhat novice at relationships, I made many mistakes that I'm trying to use as tools for preperation for another go with this one. Help!!!

[snowcraig]

This break-up has gotten unbelievably ugly. Anymore feedback would be appreciated.....