Gemini1975 Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I have been talking to people here about a situation I had gotten my self into with another man. Brief scoop - Im married to my soul mate for 3 years, who I love very much - our sex life is good - our everyday life is good - on a scale of 1 to 10 our relationship is a 9 :-) Yet I have a crush on a life long friend of mine. I have had a crush on him for a couple years - never acted on it until a couple of weeks ago - we talked about the crush and ended up kissing. A week after that we kissed again. We both then decided that it was wrong what we were doing and said that we would not continue the affair - or let it go any farther. I have never cheated before nor do I EVER intend to cheat again. I am going to seek some councelling to try to figure out why I strayed from the man I love in the first place. So here is the question do I tell my husband or not?
reservoirdog1 Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I'm usually an advocate for coming clean when it comes to infidelity. However, in this case, since things never went beyond kissing, I'd leave it alone, and not tell your H. HOWEVER, I have a huge caveat to that. I don't think that, in this situation, you can safely (or morally) keep the OM in your life, even as a friend. I imagine this OM has met your husband. It would be a gross display of disrespect to bring him around your husband again, with him remaining ignorant of the true nature of things between you and the OM. What you've been in is an emotional affair. Which is, in many ways, as bad as a physical one. That OM is a cancer on your marriage to your soulmate. He can't be part of your life anymore. There's no room in your life for the OM and your husband -- that creates divided loyalty, where none should be. Just my $0.02...
Jessie61 Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 Gemini, I am one for brutal honesty, but in your case why tell your H about a few kisses? By the time he has digested it, it may have turned into a torrid 5 year affair in his own mind. HOWEVER, no more communication with the other party. Don't try to be friends with him. I doubt very much that it would work. Try to figure out why this happened to you. Talk to your H about your own R. There MUST be something going on there which needs to be dealt with? I just don't think that you would have developed feelings for someone else to that extent if your M was 100% fantastic? Concentrate on that instead and get your H involved. He deserves to know what (if anything) is wrong and be given a chance to fix it with you. Good luck with whatever you end up doing! Let us know how things work out!
glittergurl Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 Don't tell him! It didn't go further than kissing, so spare him from this. You know it was wrong, and you're not planning to do it again. So, as long as you're sure that this other guy won't tell anyone, then don't tell your husband. It would really suck if somebody else told him, but if you're 100% sure you're safe on that side, then no need to ruin your marriage. I know this sounds like wrong advise, but you didn't have sex, and you obviously want your marriage to last; so I think that telling him would be the worst idea. It would definitely ruin it.
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 Don't tell him, yet at the sametime I think you need to back off your male friend...Do NOT spend ANY alone time with him. If your husband asks why you two aren't spending as much time together or talking, THEN take that opportunity to explain to your husband that you felt something for your male friend and that it's just best that time spent together should be less. This way he will see you handled it maturely. It is a good thing you're seeking reasons to find out why you allowed yourself to be in that position. Have faith that maybe it's a blessing and things will be fixed so your marriage will be better. Keep posting!
tikigods Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 some way to treat your "soulmate" But seriously if you want to be with this guy get a divorce from your husband so he can find someone that truly is his soulmate. If not then tell this friend goodbye
aleatoryd Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 Agreed the friend has to go to save your marriage - you can't have your heart split two ways if you are indeed with your soul mate. Seeking conselling on your own is probably a good idea as there may be issues that are bothering you on a subconcious level. Other things you could do are read books on marriage - corny I know but they can help you work out what may be the problem and how to resolve it. It may settle down if the OM goes. All the best anyway whatever you decide to do.
Blind Illusion Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 If you could think of the incident as a wake up call to getting things right again in your marriage, I would just move on from there. The only problem I can see is if you husband is in denial of having to make the relationship better or doesn't want to. (that would have been my situation once upon a time so I do allow for the possibility that this might not be your situation at all) Then, you are going to have to convey to him somehow that the marriage was hurting in some way, enough for this to happen.
RealityCheck Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 I do believe in some cases such as this "Silence Is Golden". Don't beat yourself up over this! Let it go! Whenever the thought crosses your mind, think of it as kissing a really cute puppy! Innocent and not tainted.
tweldy Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Something is telling me that there is more to this. Is your husband abusive at all or does he have a drug addiction? I suspect he does something to you to push you away emotionally, leaving you feeling distant enough that you would be attracted to another guy. I would recommend **not** telling him now, but possibly telling him in the future, after you go to a counselor of some sort and work through the issues you may be having.
magda Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Something is telling me that there is more to this. Is your husband abusive at all or does he have a drug addiction? I suspect he does something to you to push you away emotionally, leaving you feeling distant enough that you would be attracted to another guy. . Interesting that you would think that. She said their relationship is good - a 9 out of 10. I find it weird that you would jump on him as the root cause.
MrDarcy Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Why is it that even if you girls rate your relationship 9 out of 10 you still manage to fall in love with someone else? Am I the only one who finds this self-contradictory?
catgirl1927 Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Why is it that even if you girls rate your relationship 9 out of 10 you still manage to fall in love with someone else? Am I the only one who finds this self-contradictory? No, it's a little contradictory. But in this case, I don't think she was "in love", I think she was caught up in some fairy tale excitement that she let go too far. I agree with everyone else. There is no need to tell him what happened, because it stopped before anything really bad happened. But you do need to exclude that person from your life completely from now on. It really sounds more like a crush than real feelings, it will go away. It's certainly not worth breaking your H's heart and ruining your life over. Just be sure you don't take your guilt out on him.
Sassy Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 How can you say that you have the perfect marriage with your h ? You obviously are lacking something to have feelings for the OM . If your marriage is what you are saying you wouldn't have felt the need to pursue these feelings. That's great that you didn't let it go any further and you want to go get help. I would tell my SO and be honest with him . What if he finds out anyways? How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? JMO
Mz. Pixie Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Gem obviously has some issues in this marriage. She posted in the Abuse section under "My first black eye". Obviously this guy is not her soulmate or he wouldn't be beating the crap out of her. She seriously needs to get some help and I hope others will go to that thread and encourage her to do so. This kiss is the least of the issues.
catgirl1927 Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Yeah, after reading about the physical abuse I think she should just leave. Don't tell him about the kiss, he'll beat you up. Just get your things and get out as quick as you can.
amblin Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I'm a definite advocate for brutal honesty. I don't believe in "a kiss is a kiss", that is an excuse to brush it away as if it meant nothing. If you were really sorry, you'd tell him. Whether you like it or not, it's cheating, and I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't want to know that they were being cheated on, whether or not their partner has finally figured out their feelings or not. However, I've heard you were physically abused by your husband? That is totally unacceptable too. You have cheating and domestic abuse going on in this marriage - how can it possibly be a 9/10? I still think that you should tell him, but I think you really need to assess your marriage well and your husband should also seek counselling if he is hitting you. Your marriage will come unglued otherwise.
Author Gemini1975 Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 I say my marriage is a 9 out of ten because 90% of the time it is great. Its the 10% that is bad. Yes my husband and I have had some ugly fights - he has hit me I have hit him back. I have seeked out a councellar and will be seeing him alone starting tomorrow. If it goes well I will be asking my husband to join me for anger managment. My husband in generally a good man but does have some major temper issues. Amblin I agree with you 100% that it was cheeting. I have not problem admitting that I made a terrible mistake. However I am taking the necessary steps for me right now to correct it. 1)
Author Gemini1975 Posted May 2, 2006 Author Posted May 2, 2006 oops..... I have called off the affair and stoped contact with my friend. I have called a marriage councellar and am seeking help. And most of all I have realized that there is something wrong and I am addressing those issues. As for the abuse. The worst of it happened just over a week ago. We had both been drinking - Im not even 100% sure what happened because i had drank to much and blacked out. We went to bed arguing and I guess somewhere along the lines I admitted having feelings for this om. Well I guess that didn't go over so well and he was getting mad so I tried to leave the room and he tried to get me back into bed - Some how I got a knee to the eye - hense the my first black eye. He says it was an accident and he didn't mean to hurt me that bad but I guess I was saying some pretty scary stuff to him.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Please do not tell him about the kiss until you speak to a counselor. They can advise you on whether or not to do so based on the background you give them, because we only know what you are posting here.
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