lovernotafighter Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 I always seem to see my MM with rose colored glasses..but when I think of his and my home life and how it could be with him..I have to wonder "how long would we last" chances are not long at all. At that's what I have to think about now too. Because I've seen all his sides over all these years. I was always jumping through hoops trying to please him. I know now I don't want to be jumping through hoops for the rest of my life. yes,that's it defiantly. the more truth and sides of my MM I see (of coarse the glasses are starting to come off) the more I'm like woah...and slam on the brakes. every short lived NC and he turns on the charm but when I let him talk about his life,he isn't painting a pretty picture. his W also sounds like she is baffled as me by him..I don't think I want to live like that either...she had him for 12 years and still doesn't know whats wrong with him lol!! I know his not listening and wishy-washy-ness drives me up a wall..and that's sans- a real relationship..what would that be like..I don't know if I can take it when I can't just walk off.
Author RealityCheck Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Lovernotafighter! Yes indeed! Very true of not having the day-to-day responsibilities in the affair! I definately saw that! And; I agree, that if the relationship with the MM became filled with the same day-to-day rituals, chances are it would change its form pretty damn quick! Honestly, even if household duties are shared, I can not picture myself with HIM that way! Definately would bring a new dimension to the relationship. Though at the time the A was hot and passionate, tender and fun, the bottom line was I had no respect for him and that caused me to really look at myself! That's why I ended it! The o'l mirror image affect!
Author RealityCheck Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Movinon.... "Knight In Shining Armor" was just a figure of speech.... Like you, it got sucked down the drain a loooooong time ago! *laughing*
Sami_D Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Why don't these MM or MW move on to someone else rather than remain in contact with the OW or OM who has let it go? Because I really don't believe for a second it is real love that's for damn sure! It is something, but not "Real Love". My view is... that MW or MM doesn't want to let go for two reasons: 1) They may actually love/ be infatuated with the OP just as much as the OP was/does feel that same way. 2) It's a whole lot easier to keep going back to an OP who will take you back than find someone else to have an affair with or work on their marriage or live without the 'outside help' that an affair brings. As hard as it is for the OW/OM to move on... so it is for the MM/MW. Generally, people who have affairs aren't the sort of person to just 'get out of the M' if it's not working... that's why they're having an affair.
Author RealityCheck Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Sami D..... *sigh* You are correct that people who have affairs are not the sort of people who want to get out of their marriage. That's why they have them. The last email I received from the ex MM, said that he was thinking long and hard of leaving his marriage because he is in love with me. He carried on to say that he is sick to his stomach, can't sleep or eat with thoughts of me roaming his head. Well, I sure as hell felt enough of that when I was in the A. Totally not healthy to say the least! Let me ask you this Sami.... In your opinion, do you think he is going through this because it is "Love" or because he's lost in the battle on both ends?
whichwayisup Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Now here's my question: Why don't these MM or MW move on to someone else rather than remain in contact with the OW or OM who has let it go? Because I really don't believe for a second it is real love that's for damn sure! It is something, but not "Real Love". He obviously has feelings for you, but I think he isn't thinking of what is best FOR you - He's thinking of himself and his own needs first. Selfishly and it's ego based. The last email I received from the ex MM, said that he was thinking long and hard of leaving his marriage because he is in love with me. He carried on to say that he is sick to his stomach, can't sleep or eat with thoughts of me roaming his head. Well, I sure as hell felt enough of that when I was in the A. Totally not healthy to say the least! Then tell him when the papers are signed that show a real divorce took place, that is when he can call you and ask you out again - NOT before. Thinking of leaving his marriage, "long and hard" isn't fair to you to take that chance of getting hurt again. Good luck and try to go back to NC.
Author RealityCheck Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Whichwayisup..... That was exactly my thought (sign the papers then call!) The craziness about this is, I honestly don't know if I would even want him in as a live-in type of relationship!! I would like to build something more concrete and see where it went from there! Ideally, for me, it would be great if he had his place ON HIS OWN, and I maintained mine! That's batting a thousand now isn't it? *laughing*
Sami_D Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 RealityCheck: It sounds to me that he's being honest with you as far as he can be. He is bound to be confused at the moment. I can't say why he's feeling those feelings. But no, I don't think (what you seem to be saying) that he's feeling those things mostly because he's 'lost' the battle for you... is that what you're saying? I would think he misses you because of you. Just going on his actions (emailing you asking for permission to email again... that's a lot better treatment than a lot of OW get). I just wanted to address what you wrote to WWIU about not feeling sure about wanting a full-on live-in R with him immediately. You don't have to. He would do much better getting a place for himself, and you two starting to date and seeing how it goes. You will owe him nothing in terms of a future R, even if he divorces. So don't fret about that (jmho). And I wanted to tell you a couple of things from my story which might (might not) be of use to you: Five months into my 'in real life' (we met online) R with MM I felt exactly the same as you... really angry he hadn't left after all the talk, and I broke it off with him and went NC (only lasted 2weeks, but that's another story). But, he was telling me at that time that he wasn't ready, he was all wrapped up (as yours seems to be) with 'what will people think! what about the children! what will my parents say!' etc. So... what I'm saying here is that he's probably not Bshtting you ... he probably is feeling the same. The second thing is that last Thursday, when I went NC with him for the second time (joint decision... he said that being in contact with me was keeping him from telling her because I was being so supportive of his dithering.. lol)... anyway, he pointed out that he'd been more 'ready to leave' when we first met... the first few months, when his M had driven him crazy and he was frustrated as h ell. Well... he said that my being there for him had made his M bearable, had made him able to stay. So... what I'm bumbling my way to saying is that it's kind of a balancing act between 'being there' 'giving them time' and walking away at the right time. I have no idea if my story could have gone any differently, but I have more than a suspicion that if I'd stuck to my guns and been less 'understanding' of him.. less 'there' for him months ago, I might not have had to wait so long. (if I sound like I'm assuming he'll now leave, well part of me has that hope of course). So, not sure if any of that helps, but... don't despair of him, but it would probably be good for you to be a little harder than I have been
lovernotafighter Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 So... what I'm bumbling my way to saying is that it's kind of a balancing act between 'being there' 'giving them time' and walking away at the right time. I have no idea if my story could have gone any differently, but I have more than a suspicion that if I'd stuck to my guns and been less 'understanding' of him.. less 'there' for him months ago, I might not have had to wait so long. (if I sound like I'm assuming he'll now leave, well part of me has that hope of course). I agree Sami,I believe that there is a right time if you truly want the MM to leave his marriage to go NC. I thought about that recently and since me and MM were going back and forth on this,I truly think if I really want him to come with me the time to stick to my guns and go NC is now. but it's so hard when you really love the man to walk away from him.
Sami_D Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 but it's so hard when you really love the man to walk away from him. It is. SO hard. And if you're not ready... or you feel (however wrongly) that he's 'not ready'... it's impossible. Absolutely impossible. I've only been able to do it this time because every day for the past two weeks has been absolutely painful for me, waiting to hear if he told her... and then the disappointment and being understanding when he hadn't. Repeat, rinse, repeat. I already knew, Wednesday night, that I would have to go NC with him after this weekend, because of the strain I was under. I mean... I couldn't keep my heart rate down and was having panic attacks and nightmares. So when he told me Thursday that he would do it, he just knew that me waiting wasn't helping... then I had all the reasons in the world to do it. Otherwise... I'd still be there hoping and chatting to him even now. Especially now because it was this time on a Sunday when he would give me a quick call when he had taken the children riding.
Sami_D Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Thanks movinon... I don't know what I'd do if it wasn't for this board. It's such a supportive place these days. Thank you all for being here.
lovernotafighter Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Thanks movinon... I don't know what I'd do if it wasn't for this board. It's such a supportive place these days. Thank you all for being here. *hugs* Sami we all seem to at the same point..or close..and I totally agree,I am so grateful for you and everyone else who have been supportive. I'm at the point were we are going up and down..it weird a month ago I was pretty cool and collected over what I planned on doing and the things with MM..but it seems the last two weeks I have been losing it sami. I worry I'm more in love with him than ever...I can't stand feeling so out of control..we went NC for a couple of days again and then he came after me..we went to lunch 2 days in a row and did loads of talking..so it seems our NC's don't mean anything thing because they are becoming shorter?? I hope you can hang on..I know it's so hard 'cause I haven't been able to pull it off yet...but everyday I tell self to and almost instantly fold..I admire your strength Sami,I truly do.
Author RealityCheck Posted April 30, 2006 Author Posted April 30, 2006 *BIG GROUP HUG* I also want to thank all of you for your support!! I found it so surreal that we ALL have shared so much of the same stories and emotions. Sami... In answer to your question about loosing the battle on both ends is that he says he feels helpless to leave the M, and helpless that he can't give me what I deserve which is all of him. I know! I know! I call BShyt on that! He has all the power, just not the guts!! Though I remain in NC, my thoughts of him sure as hell don't! *laughing*
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