Guest Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 After leaving a relationship of 5 years, I felt the need for some me time. I was on my own for about four months when I felt the urge to want one casual partner to feed my intimacy needs. Of course sharing a little tenderness and some laughs would be a bonus. My intention wasn’t to pursue anyone who was married by any stretch of the imagination, but then the experience presented itself. At the time, I thought a married man could fulfill the need I was seeking. We could establish an intimate relationship without the day-to-day committed responsibilities. I could have the best of both worlds, my freedom in a non-commital sense and great sex with one casual partner. So it began; We met online. My MM was honest right from the get go about his marital situation. He explained to me that he did not love his wife, but will never leave his marriage for “practicle” reasons. I seriously, couldn’t wrap my brain around staying for “practicle” vs “love”, but what did it matter to me, I was only there for intimacy! No big deal right? We would get together every 14 days, email each other everyday and he would call me at least three times a week. With each encounter, I felt myself getting more and more attached. This carried on for 5 months. On our last encounter, after spending an entire day together I cried! I cried because I felt as though a piece of me had walked out the door with him. It was in that moment, I knew I was falling for a man that was not within my reach. I emailed him that evening and told him, it was time for me to end involvement with him. It was killing me to type each word, but I knew, if I did not end it, I would be in for an emotional roller coaster ride of my life. He responded to my email with the most heart felt words and confessed to being in love with me and that he cryied like a baby! In fact, he admitted that he couldn’t get through my email the first time without breaking down. I must have read his email 30 times! I so badly wanted to see him again, but knew I needed to end it then or possibly never. It took every ounce of strength in me on a daily basis not to loose sight of the reality of being the “other woman”. I thought about the experience a lot! In fact, that’s all I could think about for months. I discovered how easily a person can fall in love with a married man. In those times of being with him, it was always passionate, lustfull, loving, tender and fun. In those times with him, he always made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. In those times, there was nothing but him and I. There was absolutely nothing but us! It was indeed living a dream and hanging on to a fairytale that unfortunately does not come with the forever after. It is a slow manipulation of the mind and heart because in our shared time it ALWAYS felt so damn good! Reality is, I abhored my life being dictated by his commitment to his marriage in what he referred to as staying for “practicle reasons”. I couldn’t pick-up a phone and call him just to say “I miss you today”. Our times together were always scheduled whether he could get away from his obligations to his “Wife” and that no matter how much I looked forward to his heart felt emails on a daily basis, it just wasn’t enough to feed my emotional needs. It was in knowing that I was not prepared to deny myself all the love I deserve. I am now dating, but I have to admit, I miss my MM a lot! The fantasy just does not go away because it was to good to be true.
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