Hi All. My Story.

[xxrubyredxx]

Just saying hi to everyone This is my first time in these forums.

 

Firstly some info about myself. I have been both a betrayed spouse and OW (betrayed wife of more recent, the OW some years ago). So I know exactly what it is like, to be in both posistions and situations.

 

As the betrayed wife, I was married for 10 years to my H and we have a daughter. I first suspected that he may be cheating on me and having an affair, when he would recieve phone calls and text messages well into the early hours of the morning. He would tell me that it was some male friend calling, I however wasn't stupid! The 'real' proof that he was having an affair and that this was a serious affair came in March 2004 when he'd began packing his clothes early one morning and told me he was leaving......he broke down and confessed that there was another woman and he was leaving me to be with her. Five minutes after his confession, he ran off to be with her and never looked back....I was devastated and completely numb with shock, for days after. He remains with his OW to this day, they have been together for just over 2 years! How am I now??? Well, hard as it was back at that time, I managed to pick up the pieces and move on! I guess that when we are betrayed in this way, we feel that it's something we will never ever get over, but we do. It just takes time and time is a great healer.

 

My role of OW, isn't your typical one, for I'd had a long term relationship with the man in question, previous to his marriage.

I'd first met him when we were both in our teens. At that time, we were both young, free and single and we were 'first loves'. We had a long term relationship that spanned nine years, were engaged to be married and we did live together for a while. However, things didn't work out, we ended up seperating.....he met someone else shortly after we seperated and he married her and within a year of our seperation. It was after he married her, that I became the OW in their marriage. I went from almost becoming his wife....to being his OW!!

 

I guess that perhaps I became the OW, because I wasn't completely over him, I still loved him. I'd spent a huge part of my life with this guy, it was real hard to let go of him and despite the fact that he'd gone and got married to someone else. He wouldn't leave me alone after he married, would tell me that he missed me, that he still loved me, that he still wanted to be with me. I dunno, if that was the case, why did he choose to marry his wife??? It didn't take me long to come to my senses anyway and I didn't remain the OW for very long, just a matter of months. I ended it, moved on and then went on to meet my cheating ex husband!!

 

More recently, I've had this ex from my past and to whom I was the OW, try to make a comeback into my life and yes, he's still very married and to the same woman he married all of those years ago! However I refuse to have anything to do with him, on the grounds he is still married......I just don't want to go there, although I do still have deep feelings for him. He is the 'love of my life' and always will be.....but there is no chance of an 'us', while he remains married and he doesn't look set to leave her as through the grapevine, I've just heard that they have recently bought a new house together.

 

Thanks for listening. I'm of now to read other stories

[Jessie61]

 

As the betrayed wife, I was married for 10 years to my H and we have a daughter. I first suspected that he may be cheating on me and having an affair, when he would recieve phone calls and text messages well into the early hours of the morning. He would tell me that it was some male friend calling, I however wasn't stupid! The 'real' proof that he was having an affair and that this was a serious affair came in March 2004 when he'd began packing his clothes early one morning and told me he was leaving......he broke down and confessed that there was another woman and he was leaving me to be with her. Five minutes after his confession, he ran off to be with her and never looked back....I was devastated and completely numb with shock, for days after. He remains with his OW to this day, they have been together for just over 2 years! How am I now??? Well, hard as it was back at that time, I managed to pick up the pieces and move on! I guess that when we are betrayed in this way, we feel that it's something we will never ever get over, but we do. It just takes time and time is a great healer.

 

_____

 

More recently, I've had this ex from my past and to whom I was the OW, try to make a comeback into my life and yes, he's still very married and to the same woman he married all of those years ago! However I refuse to have anything to do with him, on the grounds he is still married......I just don't want to go there, although I do still have deep feelings for him. He is the 'love of my life' and always will be.....but there is no chance of an 'us', while he remains married and he doesn't look set to leave her as through the grapevine, I've just heard that they have recently bought a new house together.

 

Thanks for listening. I'm of now to read other stories

 

 

Rubyred,

 

First of all, I am sorry to hear how you were betrayed by your H. Perhaps I cannot blame him for falling in love etc, but he could certainly have handled the situation 100 times better than he did! Imagine leaving someone with 5 minutes notice! I have been betrayed myself years ago so I have been at the receiving end of this. And you are right, it is tough but you do get over it; time IS a healer.

 

Now to your current problem. I think you know what I am going to say before I have even said it, right? THINK about and then DON'T do it; don't become the OW. I am one myself and I cannot tell you how humiliating and hurtful it is. I know that you are probably "distracted" by the fact that there is a long history between you, the same way many of us are distracted by the feeling that our MM's are our "soul mates" etc. Don't focus on the long past between you, focus on what would lie ahead of you if you did enter into a R with him.... He is the love of your life, you say, so imagine how you would feel every night when he goes back to the W, all the holidays and weekends that you won't get to spend with him, constantly wondering if his promises to leave (if he does make them) are genuine, always second guessing your own judgement about the whole situation. I would not recommend this to anyone! Fun??? Not at all! Far far far from it!!!

 

You might ask "can we be friends?" Hm...... Do you really think you could? Or would you end up being his "source of energy and joy" which keeps him at home while you suffer on indefinitively? (Read thread re: BKRPM) Unwittingly, you could end up being emotionally tied to this guy when you should be dating single men instead (read thread about dating other guys while an OW..) In fact, read some of the threads on this site. It should give you an idea of what to expect.... Warning; it ain't pretty....!!!!

 

Anyway, stay with us and keep posting!

[xxrubyredxx]

Rubyred,

 

First of all, I am sorry to hear how you were betrayed by your H.....

 

Thanks And thanks for the reply btw, much appreciated

 

Now to your current problem. I think you know what I am going to say before I have even said it, right? THINK about and then DON'T do it; don't become the OW.

 

Yeah, I knew exactly what I'd likely hear and that is 'don't get involved'

Being the OW before didn't get me very far and it likely wouldn't again and so I guess that this is the main reason why I refuse to have anything to do with him, while he's married. I've been there once before with him.

 

To be honest, he proved to me exactly how much he thought of me, when his wife came very close to finding out about us, confronted him as to whether something was going on between he and I and he denied there was. She'd apparantly started having an inkling that something was going on between us, because news was getting back to her that I and him were looking to close for comfort, when around each other. People tend to put two and two together and it isn't long before the tittle tattle begins. He didn't hide the fact under public gaze, that he still loved me and cared for me - everybody knew that we'd been together previous to his marriage (it's a small town) and whenever he spotted me on a night out with friends, he'd always make a bee line straight for me and followed me everywhere. People who knew us and who knew his wife, were picking up on all of this and it didn't take long for this news to get back to his wife. Needless to say I wasn't too happy when he denied things to his wife and although he wanted to continue things with me, I ended it for good. His wife incidently hates me, even though she doesn't know me. She knew that previous to getting involved with him, that both he and I had been in a long term relationship. Seems she was prepared to take a risk with a guy who'd had a longterm relationship which ended only a little while before she came onto the scene, but her risk paid off I suppose.....she's the wife after all and not me. Her dislike of me I guess, is because she saw me as a threat to their marriage and still does to this day, even though I no longer live in the same place as they do. I passed her in my car some weeks since and if looks could kill, I'd have dropped on the spot.

 

 

You might ask "can we be friends?" Hm...... Do you really think you could? Or would you end up being his "source of energy and joy" which keeps him at home while you suffer on indefinitively? (Read thread re: BKRPM) Unwittingly, you could end up being emotionally tied to this guy when you should be dating single men instead (read thread about dating other guys while an OW..) In fact, read some of the threads on this site. It should give you an idea of what to expect.... Warning; it ain't pretty....!!!!

 

I've been emotionally tied to him for years, I'd never forgotten him and I never will. There is a bond between us, due to the past history between us and it's an unbreakable one. I try not to think about the history, but it's hard to forget and to just forget him. He and I have tried to be friends more recentlyand it didn't work, it can't work. Not when feelings are still involved. He wanted to meet me, but I summed up the will not to go along with it and I didn't.

I think he got the message that while he's married, there won't be an 'us'

 

Appears not to care anyway. Like I said, they've just bought this brand new big home together. Hardly the actions of a man, who would love someone else is it?

[Jessie61]

Rubyred,

 

Ok, what is happening now? No contact at all? For how long so far? What has HE said about a future for the two of you? How far have things gone between you? How long is he married did you say? What plans have you now?

 

Sorry about the 4 million questions! I'm trying to get a fuller picture.

[Sami_D]

Welcome rubyred.

 

Are you trying to work out where you stand with this man? What's happening?

[Walking away]

Welcome.

 

You are amongst friends....

[xxrubyredxx]

Rubyred,

 

Ok, what is happening now? No contact at all? For how long so far? What has HE said about a future for the two of you? How far have things gone between you? How long is he married did you say? What plans have you now?

 

Sorry about the 4 million questions! I'm trying to get a fuller picture.

 

There's nothing at all happening now and there hasn't been any contact whatsoever for a few months.

 

Recent contact with him, was all done by email and MSN. Incase you may be wondering how he managed to find me after all of these years, he'd done a trace online and found me. He'd then sent an email to me. His mails at first were, 'what happened to you', 'how are you', 'what are you up too'. I'd mailed back because I figured that we could be friends.I played it cool, didn't let on that there were still feelings for him, I didn't even let him know my home address nor my telephone number, I witheld them all from him. Perhaps I was giving something away unwittingly, because the heavier stuff began on his part and the talks became talks of our relationship back then, where we'd gone wrong and he began saying that he still cared deeply for me, that he missed me a lot and he began calling me by lovey dovey pet names. All of the memories came flooding back and I got caught up in all of that. We arranged to meet, again it was his idea. And this is when I got scared, realised what I was getting involved in and I backed off.

 

When I didn't turn up to meet him, I think that perhaps he got the message that I wasn't all that interested in him anymore, maybe felt rejected. I should've been straight with him to be honest and told him that I wouldn't under any circumstances meet him, when he was still married and let him know where he stood, rather than go along with these plans we'd made to meet, but I didn't, I just didn't show up. He likely thought I'd be up for it all, as I was his OW in the past. He may go on for the rest of life, thinking that my feelings for him died over the years we've been apart, that I never cared, when truly I did care and I was desperate to see him. It just wasn't right. I hate the thoughts that he will go on perhaps for the rest of his life thinking all of this, that part of it all does plague me.

 

He didn't mail back after I never showed up and shortly afterwards, I deleted the email account where he would mail me. He may have tried to get back in touch, I don't know. If he has done, then he will think that I deleted the account, because I wasn't interested. It wasn't a case of not being interested, it was a case of him being married....guess he will never know that, but maybe he does have a little common sense and he will realise why.

 

Thing is, is that I know he will be back. He always does come back. He'd even told me that he always comes back to me. If he wants me, he'll find a way.

 

He's been married for 12 years.

 

Sorry these posts are long.

Thanks for listening and the advice though and thankyou for the welcomes also Nice to have some place to talk and to be among others who are in similar situations and have been in these situations, so thankyou again.

[Sami_D]

Hey don't worry about the long posts.

 

Don't worry about anything, actually... try to keep whittling it down if you can and get to the bottom of it. Someone's going to ask you about your marriage... and ... yeah.. do you want to leave it?

 

Don't worry about taking as long as you like posting here. If there is one thing this board is great for... it's debate, and getting to the point (eventually!)

[Jessie61]

 

When I didn't turn up to meet him, I think that perhaps he got the message that I wasn't all that interested in him anymore, maybe felt rejected. I should've been straight with him to be honest and told him that I wouldn't under any circumstances meet him, when he was still married and let him know where he stood, rather than go along with these plans we'd made to meet, but I didn't, I just didn't show up. He likely thought I'd be up for it all, as I was his OW in the past. He may go on for the rest of life, thinking that my feelings for him died over the years we've been apart, that I never cared, when truly I did care and I was desperate to see him. It just wasn't right. I hate the thoughts that he will go on perhaps for the rest of his life thinking all of this, that part of it all does plague me.

 

He didn't mail back after I never showed up and shortly afterwards, I deleted the email account where he would mail me. He may have tried to get back in touch, I don't know. If he has done, then he will think that I deleted the account, because I wasn't interested. It wasn't a case of not being interested, it was a case of him being married....guess he will never know that, but maybe he does have a little common sense and he will realise why.

 

Thing is, is that I know he will be back. He always does come back. He'd even told me that he always comes back to me. If he wants me, he'll find a way.

 

He's been married for 12 years.

 

 

 

Redruby,

 

I can understand that it is agonising for you to think that he might believe that your feelings have died, especially since you don't appear to have spoken about it and "said goodbye" properly. It must be something which is hard to let go of? BUT you say yourself that he might understand the real reason, ie that he is married? And even though it must be hard at times, can you tell yourself that it is actually better than he might think that you don't care because it might make him stay away? Remember that he's been married for a long time and I gather that there is no indication that the M is in trouble, especially if they are buying a new house together? (Please feel free to correct me if I am mistaken!)

 

I am not sure if he spoke about a future for the two of you, but if that was not on the cards, then you need to get on with your life. I remember my first boyfriend telling me that nobody will ever love me like he did for the rest of my life. (Your MM's comment about always coming back after you reminded me of this.) I was in my late teens and I actually believed it! And that comment stayed with me for years after, effectively destroying all my relationships during this period. Nothing could compare. BUT now I know that he was wrong AND that there is not just ONE person out there for you. You need to let go of the idea of him and open yourself up to the possibility that there could be someone else who will touch your heart as much as he has?

 

In any event, if he does end up leaving W, he will be able to find you again, the way he found you the last time? But don't put your life on hold in the meantime!

 

I actually think you have been very strong in moving away from this situation. Not giving him your phone number, deleting the email account etc. Keep going the way your going. You are doing fine! Just add the "letting go" ingredient?

 

Now, what do you think????

[xxrubyredxx]

Redruby,

 

I can understand that it is agonising for you to think that he might believe that your feelings have died, especially since you don't appear to have spoken about it and "said goodbye" properly.

 

This could be the problem as to why I'm finding it hard to let go of it all. We didn't say 'goodbye', there was no final closure. It wouldn't have been so bad if he'd mailed back asking where I'd got to that day, I would've then likely come clean with him. But I didn't get the chance to explain.

 

I'm also left wondering, 'What if' and 'If only', I'd gone along to meet him that day, as well as the thoughts that he thinks I don't care and it upsets me to think that he may think this of me. It's my own fault and is something I'm going to have to deal with. If I'd been straight with him and told him that I didn't want to meet him because he was married, then goodbyes likely would've been exchanged. It would've been far easier to move on. To be honest I wish he'd never returned, it's something I could've done without happening.

 

Remember that he's been married for a long time and I gather that there is no indication that the M is in trouble, especially if they are buying a new house together? (Please feel free to correct me if I am mistaken!)

 

Yes they have recently bought a new home. I find out all of these things, because I have a sister lives in the same place as he does and gossip travels fast. Buying a new home together is a great indicator that they are both happy, but then I think that if he was truly happy, why return to me after all of these years? Do happily married men go seeking old flames from their pasts? I can't also help but wonder, if he is just 'settling' for his wife, because I am not in the picture and he's thinking I never will be again and that he's lost me for good, But then I'm likely wrong, I just can't help having these kinds of thoughts.

 

I am not sure if he spoke about a future for the two of you, but if that was not on the cards, then you need to get on with your life.

 

He didn't speak of a future for the two of us, no. But remember that he had just found me after all of these years since we last saw each other and he won't have known what to expect. I think he came back to 'test the waters', to be honest, to see if I'd changed and to see if I was still the girl, that had once been smitten with him......but he didn't find that same girl, I'd changed. Or I gave him the impression I'd changed. Because I was playing it so cool in the emails, that might have kept him from saying things, that he'd perhaps wanted to say. He was unsure of my feelings for him, so he'd held back. And this is why he perhaps suggested a meeting. He'd wanted to see me, face to face, before he revealed more of what his intentions were.....but I never gave him that chance. If I'd gone along to meet him and saw him, there would've been going back, because I know that when I set eyes on him, well I would have melted in his arms. there's every chance that a full blown affair would now have been going on and who knows how things may have turned out

 

I know it's stupid of me, but I'm sometimes even thinking of contacting him, just to tell him that it was nothing personal and that I do still care and that perhaps things could've been different under different circumstances, but I know that would be crazy of me. I just can't stand the thoughts that I've hurt him, that I will never see him again to put things right, that he'll reach old age thinking I didn't care and that's not what I want. He means to much to me.

 

So many conflicting thoughts. I'm surprised you aren't going nuts listening to my ramblings.

 

Of course you are right though. I did manage to be strong and not go to meet him, to delete my email address, etc. All I can do is try to keep the strength up. I've come this far I guess. It's helping a lot to talk to you....a big thanks

[Jessie61]

 

Buying a new home together is a great indicator that they are both happy, but then I think that if he was truly happy, why return to me after all of these years? Do happily married men go seeking old flames from their pasts? I can't also help but wonder, if he is just 'settling' for his wife, because I am not in the picture and he's thinking I never will be again and that he's lost me for good, But then I'm likely wrong, I just can't help having these kinds of thoughts.

 

He didn't speak of a future for the two of us, no. But remember that he had just found me after all of these years since we last saw each other and he won't have known what to expect. I think he came back to 'test the waters', to be honest, to see if I'd changed and to see if I was still the girl, that had once been smitten with him......but he didn't find that same girl, I'd changed. Or I gave him the impression I'd changed. Because I was playing it so cool in the emails, that might have kept him from saying things, that he'd perhaps wanted to say. He was unsure of my feelings for him, so he'd held back. And this is why he perhaps suggested a meeting. He'd wanted to see me, face to face, before he revealed more of what his intentions were.....but I never gave him that chance. If I'd gone along to meet him and saw him, there would've been going back, because I know that when I set eyes on him, well I would have melted in his arms. there's every chance that a full blown affair would now have been going on and who knows how things may have turned out

 

I know it's stupid of me, but I'm sometimes even thinking of contacting him, just to tell him that it was nothing personal and that I do still care and that perhaps things could've been different under different circumstances, but I know that would be crazy of me. I just can't stand the thoughts that I've hurt him, that I will never see him again to put things right, that he'll reach old age thinking I didn't care and that's not what I want. He means to much to me.

 

 

Redruby,

 

I can really understand why it is agonising about not having had the opportunity to explain and say goodbye. But say to yourself at this point that what happened, happened. Then think about the following;

 

Why do people seek out their former BF/GF? Well, it could be that the former BF/GF is the love of their life and that the person has realised that they MUST be together forever, BUT it could also be simple curiosity? Wonder what he/she looks like? What is he/she doing? I have always been fascinated with my first boyfriend who made that comment I mentioned, but it doesn't mean that I would uproot my life to be with him, even if HE wanted me to. For me it is just curiosity.

 

In your case it could be either of those scenarios, or something somewhere in the middle, but would you really want to know? What if he said that you were the ONE? Would you be willing to go through the whole process of him separating etc? He could say "I really want to leave, but I can't do it without YOUR help", thus forcing you to be the OW until he actually does it. Would you be willing to go through the drama, the heartache, the humiliation, the back tracking, then perhaps the leaving of the W, the fall out....? OR if you don't have to be the OW and he says that he'll do it and he'll contact you when he's left her, could you really get on with life without going insane waiting for that phone call? It could be months or possibly years before it's done....

 

Then on the other hand, I gather that you haven't seen him for years? Perhaps HE has changed beyond recognition? His appearance? His attitudes? His interests? How would you fell if he didn't live up to your memory of him? Would you feel disappointed or relieved or what?

 

Yes, you mention sending him that mail. But before you do, please consider the possibility that it will be the start of you becoming the OW after all? Some MM's will, given half a chance, go to greats lengths to pursue and then keep an OW hanging in there. Again, read some of the threads... Also consider the possibility that it was only curiosity that drove your MM friend to contact you in the first place? Is it possible that he has shrugged his shoulders at this whole incident already? He might not be offended at all?

 

I am sorry if I am confusing the hell out of you. I am not even saying that I am right in my speculation, but I think that you need to break out of your old way of thinking of him and your situation to look at it from other perspectives before you decide how to deal with it and move on.

 

So, any comments?

[xxrubyredxx]

You are a very patient soul

 

You know everything you are saying is making sense and it is slowly sinking, so take heart that you are getting through to me.

 

=Jessie61]

 

Why do people seek out their former BF/GF? Well, it could be that the former BF/GF is the love of their life and that the person has realised that they MUST be together forever, BUT it could also be simple curiosity? Wonder what he/she looks like? What is he/she doing? I have always been fascinated with my first boyfriend who made that comment I mentioned, but it doesn't mean that I would uproot my life to be with him, even if HE wanted me to. For me it is just curiosity.

 

Oh yeah I know that some people are real curious as time passes, in regard to ex's and what became of them. But I don't think he was just 'curious'. He came looking and hoping for more! I am omitting a lot of details, to keep these posts as short as possible, but trust me, he wasn't just curious!

 

Now I'm not saying that he may have come looking for me with intention of leaving his wife and with plans of a future with me. I think he came looking, to pick up where we left off, have me be his OW once more and you know, he'd likely have been happy with that because he was happy to have me as his OW before, it kept me in his life. He didn't want to lose me and he'd told me way back and when I ended it, that he couldn't stand to lose me. I ended our relationship all of those years ago and he wasn't happy. He hadn't wanted to end things, but I'd remained firm. You know, he was only married for two months, before he came pursuing me again and I took up the role of the OW. Not many guys go off pursuing an ex, after only two months of marriage, I think he had regrets and he's carried them for all of these years.

 

What if he said that you were the ONE? Would you be willing to go through the whole process of him separating etc? He could say "I really want to leave, but I can't do it without YOUR help", thus forcing you to be the OW until he actually does it. Would you be willing to go through the drama, the heartache, the humiliation, the back tracking, then perhaps the leaving of the W, the fall out....?

 

Hence I guess, is why I chose not to go along and meet him. I didn't want to play the role of OW again and because of how it ended last time. Things ended badly, hence is why I was surprised that he'd came looking for me once more after all of this time and once bitten, twice shy, I can do without a replay of past events. But then I was thinking that perhaps he'd changed, perhaps he has realised after all this time that I was the one that he'd wanted to be with and he had sore regrets. Shortly after I stopped being his OW, I'd met someone else and we moved away. I simply vanished overnight. All he'd known is that I got married and moved, because a friend of mine told him and apparantly he'd looked saddened when she'd broke the news.

 

If I thought for one second that he did have regrets, that he did want me back and not just as his OW and I was seeing action, rather than words......then yes, I would've been prepared to wait for him getting out of his marriage. And if I was still married, I would have left it for him. But despite my ramblings of 'what if' and these thoughts that he may carry regrets....I also can't help shake the thoughts that I'm probably a million miles wrong and that all I'd have remained was the OW and nothing else would have become of us. And hence, is why I didn't go to meet him

 

If you don't have to be the OW and he says that he'll do it and he'll contact you when he's left her, could you really get on with life without going insane waiting for that phone call? It could be months or possibly years before it's done....

 

I wouldn't wait for a man whose actions didn't match his words. If a man really wants you, he will be with you and no matter what the consequences he has to pay! If a man wants to truly be with a woman, then nothing will prevent him nor stand in the way of him being with her. That's my view anyhow.

 

Then on the other hand, I gather that you haven't seen him for years? Perhaps HE has changed beyond recognition? His appearance? His attitudes? His interests? How would you fell if he didn't live up to your memory of him? Would you feel disappointed or relieved or what?

 

I saw him around six years back and strangely enough, in the place where we'd first met!!! I was on a night out with a few friends and my H, so we never got the opportunity to speak. He'd never changed and still looked 'exactly' the same. He'd also sent photos to me of recent, of himself and that were taken three years ago, again he hasn't changed a lot.

 

I also saw him last year and while I was driving to see my sister. He was with his wife, but he didn't see me. So I wouldn't be disappointed with the outer package, LOL! In his mails, he did appear to be more mature than he used to be. I saw a side of him in these emails, that I didn't know existed in him, that I've never seen before, not in the whole time that I was with him and I liked it. He seemed more open to talking about our past relationship, told me how he'd felt back then, said things in regard to me and our past relationship, that I never dreamed I'd hear and I could tell that there was deep feelings behind his words. He showed feelings, that he'd never shown before. At the time I can remember thinking, why oh why hadn't he revealed of this years ago to me....things could've turned out differently if only I'd known all of this. It all took me all by surprise because you know, for all of these years, I'd always lived with the thoughts that he could never have truly loved me nor cared for me, because of the fact he married someone else. And I guess those thoughts is what helped me carry on in life and led to my moving on in life, on and away from him.

 

But then it could've all been 'sweet talk'!! MM are good at this stuff. It's how they 'lure' us into their trap, LOL!!

 

, you mention sending him that mail. But before you do, please consider the possibility that it will be the start of you becoming the OW after all? Some MM's will, given half a chance, go to greats lengths to pursue and then keep an OW hanging in there. Again, read some of the threads... Also consider the possibility that it was only curiosity that drove your MM friend to contact you in the first place? Is it possible that he has shrugged his shoulders at this whole incident already? He might not be offended at all?

 

I am sorry if I am confusing the hell out of you. I am not even saying that I am right in my speculation, but I think that you need to break out of your old way of thinking of him and your situation to look at it from other perspectives before you decide how to deal with it and move on.

 

 

Yeah I know. I need to stick with the thoughts of perhaps it was all just 'curiosity' and I do try to think of it that way, I honestly do. But looking at this situation and 'realistically' something about my story doesn't just add up to curiosity, it adds up to more, hence the turmoil for me. If someone told you that the sky was green, yet you know beyond a doubt that it is blue and because it's there in front of you and it's plain obvious, then you are going to have hard time imagining the sky to be green and thinking of it as green.

 

I dunno, maybe I should go and visit a shrink, LOL!

 

Where is your story and which thread is it located in? I'd like to read it

[Jessie61]

 

Now I'm not saying that he may have come looking for me with intention of leaving his wife and with plans of a future with me. I think he came looking, to pick up where we left off, have me be his OW once more and you know, he'd likely have been happy with that because he was happy to have me as his OW before, it kept me in his life. He didn't want to lose me and he'd told me way back and when I ended it, that he couldn't stand to lose me. I ended our relationship all of those years ago and he wasn't happy. He hadn't wanted to end things, but I'd remained firm. You know, he was only married for two months, before he came pursuing me again and I took up the role of the OW. Not many guys go off pursuing an ex, after only two months of marriage, I think he had regrets and he's carried them for all of these years.

 

I wouldn't wait for a man whose actions didn't match his words. If a man really wants you, he will be with you and no matter what the consequences he has to pay! If a man wants to truly be with a woman, then nothing will prevent him nor stand in the way of him being with her. That's my view anyhow.

 

Yeah I know. I need to stick with the thoughts of perhaps it was all just 'curiosity' and I do try to think of it that way, I honestly do. But looking at this situation and 'realistically' something about my story doesn't just add up to curiosity, it adds up to more, hence the turmoil for me.

 

Where is your story and which thread is it located in? I'd like to read it

 

 

Rubyred,

 

If I am completely honest with you, if I had been in your shoes, I probably would send that mail to explain, provided of course that I was utterly convinced that HE would respect my wishes and leave me alone until such a day when he is available. But then again, I haven't always done the smartest things!!! In any event, I wasn't tellling you what you should do, I just wanted to make you think about things....

 

I think you deserve loads of credit for even seeing that he probably did not come back because he was planning a future with you, but more likely hoping that you would become his OW again. It would have been very easy to fool yourself differently! And you can also pat yourself on the back because you have said "Thanks, but no thanks!" And that you will continue to do so. Yes, you are right, a man's actions must match his words - but in my case it has been a long hard struggle to get there, with a good bit left to go...

 

My story? I haven't an own thread, but I wrote about my sorry saga under the "How many actual OW's..". I think it is on page 3. But it is a case of "watch this space" because this sad tale is not quite finished yet....

 

Keep posting!

[xxrubyredxx]

Rubyred,

 

If I am completely honest with you, if I had been in your shoes, I probably would send that mail to explain, provided of course that I was utterly convinced that HE would respect my wishes and leave me alone until such a day when he is available. But then again, I haven't always done the smartest things!!! In any event, I wasn't tellling you what you should do, I just wanted to make you think about things....

 

Yes I know and thanks for all of the help and advice

 

I think I will write him a mail to explain. He needs to know my reasons for not showing up and I won't rest nor be able to move on and away from this, until he does know. I see sending this mail and explaining things, as being the only way forward for me. Of course, when I send it, he may try and sweet talk and try to lure me back, but I will tell him to get back in touch, if he's ever unattached, hard as that will be.

 

I think you deserve loads of credit for even seeing that he probably did not come back because he was planning a future with you, but more likely hoping that you would become his OW again. It would have been very easy to fool yourself differently!

 

I'm not that dumb to think he came back because he wants a future with me. I know that he's not exactly going to leave his wife and run off with me, on the offchance that after all of these years he and I are going to work out. You have to test the waters firstly. Like I said, we've been apart for a long time. We would have needed to meet up again, have this affair, to get to know each other all over again, before we made our minds up as to whether or not we wanted a future together. You can't go looking for a future with an ex, that you havn't seen in years, that you hardly know more......you have to get to know them again firstly.

 

And you can also pat yourself on the back because you have said "Thanks, but no thanks!" And that you will continue to do so. Yes, you are right, a man's actions must match his words - but in my case it has been a long hard struggle to get there, with a good bit left to go...

 

My story? I haven't an own thread, but I wrote about my sorry saga under the "How many actual OW's..". I think it is on page 3. But it is a case of "watch this space" because this sad tale is not quite finished yet....

 

Keep posting!

 

I will do. If I do mail him, I'll let you know what happens I'm away all weekend until Tuesday at my sisters (YES!! I will be in his hometown, but I'll steer clear of him . It could be Tuesday that I mail him when I return.

 

I'll go and have a read and see what situation you are in