dd1463 Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 Hello, I have been with my g/f friend for over a year now. She is an extremely friendly/flirty person. She has tons of guy friends everywhere. I have never been a jealous person but we have ran into a little problem. Anytime she travels she always meets up with guy/girl friends and they go party, drinking, the whole 9 yards. Guys txt her and call her from time to time. All this has never bored me, I mean of course when she leaves town I have an awkward feeling but I never give her s*** about it or anything. On the other hand, I never talk to any lady friends, if I go out of town it will always be with the guys. I never talk to girls at all. If I did I know she would feel bothered. Today, some guy that lives around the neighborhood messaged her on myspace. I have always disliked the guy (I went to high school with him). She also informed me she too disliked him. As soon as she gets the message she starts replying, they go back and fourth always in flirty ways. So today I told her I think the situation is very unfair. Anytime she goes out I get put in the awkward situation knowing she will be talking to guys. I find it unfair that she never has to go thru that with me; I never make her feel uncomfortable or awkward. I never get calls txts from girls, I never go out with them, it’s always with my guys. She knows anytime I go out I’m always be a good boy. After I told her this, she stared telling me that I’m trying to change her. That she is just friendly. I told her I didn’t want her to do anything and that I was just informing her how I feel about the situation. I find it to be very unfair.
MadDog Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 She told you you were trying to change her and she's right. You're not happy with the way she's behaving so by telling her you don't like the way she is, you're hoping she'll change her ways and maybe "settle down" a little. I really don't think she's doing anything wrong, especially at your age. Maybe if you two were married with kids, that would be a different story but I assume you two are still young. The real problem lies in your insecurity. You knew how her personality was before you two became a couple. Hell, I'll bet it was her personality that drew you in at first. It's not fair or even logical to ask a person to change what you initially found attractive about them. It's the equivalent of asking your girlfriend to stop dressing up and looking hot because you don't want her attracting guys. Your only pain-free options are to accept her for who she is (and realize it's just your insecurities) or find another girl who's different from her (e.g. is more reserved and doesn't have lots of guys friends.) You will be in for a world of heartache if you try to change her behavior. As long as she's not being disrespectful, try not to give her a hard time about things.
jhurtinct Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I feel horrible for you situation, it must be very hard for you to sit there and see and watch and know about these hangouts and calls and messages. She in my oppinion should understand and maybe even back off the male friends alittle and not putting those relationships before yours or your feelings, and I don't think your wrong for the way you feel. I don;t know too many people who would deal with that. IMO
aleatoryd Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 Turn it around by going out with her to meet these friends of hers. If there are any "hanging around" to try and flirt with her they might back off if they think you are going to be out with her. They hang round like vultures. But it could be innocent - it's down to how much you trust her. Sure she could try to be more understanding but you can't expect her to just drop her friends like that. She has been informed of your feelings. It's how she acts if you start to invade this little private world of hers that will reveal a lot about her and your relationship. Good luck I think you need to do something or you'll never be truly happy.
Author dd1463 Posted April 27, 2006 Author Posted April 27, 2006 I have met some of them, but this all happens out of the country most of the time. She travels to her homeland a lot. I guess another reason why this bugs me is because 50% of her guy friends always fall for her. Honestly, it doesn’t bug me to the point in which it causes problems. Just the normal b/f feeling when the girl is out, nothing major. I was just thinking how if I would talk to girls the way she talks to guys we probably would not be together right now. She would not accept that at all. That is what bugs me the most, in that sense its unfair how it’s ok for her but not for me. Not that I want to have chick friends or anything.
jessssss Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 dd, i know exactly what you're going through. my bf and i started out exactly the same way....well...it was him hanging out with other girls and getting texts and s*** like that. i HATED it because it started making me feel insecure and wondered why he even continued friendships if he was so happy with me. i did the same thing you did, approached the situation and told him i was uncomfortable with it and trusted him but the other girls...girls can be manipulative. he understood to a point, didn't stop hanging/texting/talking to his good girl friends but after 2 years it's dwindled off...i guess when she knows it's time to start settling down then she will make the choice, nothing you can do about it. my bf still talks every once in a while to his ex gfs (that killls me) but i hvae met them and they know where i stand with him, they would never cross that line. now when he does see them he never sees them alone-meaning i'm always with him. good luck, keep your head up. time will tell and i think you'll be just fine.
gemmab2020 Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I can understand the way you are feeling, but I don't think it is fair to ask her to not hang out with her guy friends or keep in touch with them, especially if theyy were friends with her from she met you. It's not fair though that she is so flirty with them! You need to speak to her about that. And you are probably right saying that sthere would no longer be a relationship if the tables were turned. You cannot change her personality, but she does need to take some consideration for your feelings. Do you trust this girl?? If you trust her so much, then why do you feel funny about her being out or away?? How come she goes away so much without you?????
Guest Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 This is where I disagree with most people. For me she either stops that crap, or she's out the door. But I guess the rest of you don't mind if your SO flirts left right & centre and eventually, inevitably, ends up sleeping with someone else.
witabix Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I understand your viewpoint too. My approach was similar, but not the same. I made my feelings, and the reasons for them, clear. I was listened too, and as far as I can tell they are being well received and understood. If she simply refuses to accept how you feel it is time to reconsider the partnership. Being insecure is a part of everyone. There is nothing abnormal about how you feel. It is how you manifest your insecurities that is important. Understanding them yourself is the first step. Then you can have a meaningful and sensible talk with your partner about how certain behaviours make you feel. You must be honest with yourself though. Avoiding making controlling statements like "You cannot do ....." or "You are not allowed to......" is key. Just let them know how you feel, and why, then let them decide if they wish to accept it or not. If they do acceptit give them timetoacton it. If not you have todecide if this is the right person/time for you. Good luck.........
Author dd1463 Posted April 27, 2006 Author Posted April 27, 2006 You must be honest with yourself though. Avoiding making controlling statements like "You cannot do ....." or "You are not allowed to......" is key. Just let them know how you feel, and why, then let them decide if they wish to accept it or not. If they do acceptit give them timetoacton it. If not you have todecide if this is the right person/time for you. That’s exactly what I do. I never make controlling statements. All I did was inform her of how I felt in a very nice conversation. I work and go to school, I don’t have the time to go out of the country as much as she does. She has now been informed. I know nothing will change, but at least I feel better now that I have said something. Thanks for all the replies!
amerikajin Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 dd, I know how you feel because everyone gets a little jealous when they have to share some attention with other guys, but the thing is, she's not really doing anything wrong unless she's doing something that's crossing boundaries of propriety. It's actually a good sign that you're aware of who she's spending time with; it's when you're not aware and she starts behaving mysteriously that the red flags should start popping up. For the past few months I have been dating a guy magnet, and I can relate totally to how you feel. I've never actually had an outburst of jealousy, but I have been wrestling with the same insecurities as you have privately. I have finally come to the conclusion that this is just who she is, and that she is always going to have a lot of male attention. And it's a good thing that I came to this conclusion, because I have since learned that I really am her one and only and that I have touched her in ways nobody else has. My assumptions were wrong, and my insecurities have since abated. As I've said before, insecurities and jealousy are relationship killers. Women need to know their guy is reliable and emotionally stable, and if she sees you becoming a control freak, that's going to make her nervous, even if you had no intentions to control her at all. Trust is an important thing in a relationship. You have to trust your girlfriend until she gives you a smoking-gun reason not to. You cannot expect her to live around your fear of other guys taking her away from you. You also just have to accept that whatever happens, hppens, and that there's nothing you can do about it. Just enjoy the time you have together. Makes things a lot easier when you do that. You might just want to feel free to have a few female friends. I would not advise seeking female friendship for that sole purpose, but if you know of some women who would be good to hang out with, by all means, hang out with them. You should feel free to do that now, is what I am saying.
PlentyLV007 Posted April 28, 2006 Posted April 28, 2006 Hello, I have been with my g/f friend for over a year now. She is an extremely friendly/flirty person. She has tons of guy friends everywhere. I have never been a jealous person but we have ran into a little problem. Anytime she travels she always meets up with guy/girl friends and they go party, drinking, the whole 9 yards. Guys txt her and call her from time to time. All this has never bored me, I mean of course when she leaves town I have an awkward feeling but I never give her s*** about it or anything. On the other hand, I never talk to any lady friends, if I go out of town it will always be with the guys. I never talk to girls at all. If I did I know she would feel bothered. Today, some guy that lives around the neighborhood messaged her on myspace. I have always disliked the guy (I went to high school with him). She also informed me she too disliked him. As soon as she gets the message she starts replying, they go back and fourth always in flirty ways. So today I told her I think the situation is very unfair. Anytime she goes out I get put in the awkward situation knowing she will be talking to guys. I find it unfair that she never has to go thru that with me; I never make her feel uncomfortable or awkward. I never get calls txts from girls, I never go out with them, it’s always with my guys. She knows anytime I go out I’m always be a good boy. After I told her this, she stared telling me that I’m trying to change her. That she is just friendly. I told her I didn’t want her to do anything and that I was just informing her how I feel about the situation. I find it to be very unfair. Your girl is sOOOOOOOOO me!!!! I really like my new guy. I've been dating him for over a month now and well I had to tell this to my new guy! I had to explain a lot of things to him (guy friends, partying alot, text, late calls) so he wouldn't think that I'm seeing several guys. I never wanted him to get that feeling of insecurity. Even when I go out and he is with me...when he seems me dance with other guys, he knows it's just dancing. I ask him before hand if anything I do would make him feel uncomfortable to let me know....I really care about him...but he has no insecurities.... Don't ever try to change a person you care about...if a person cares about you they will change w/ out you asking them too. The same goes for you.... That's my opinion.
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