So mad at her. Is time enough? I'm sick of this.

[Vertex]

I still read my ex-gf's blogs and such even though I know I should just move on. It angers me to know that despite all her arguments with me over how I was insecure for asking her if she had been interested in someone else/leading me on/etc, I was not far from the truth. When we split she said "she wants to just be alone and not think about boys right now" but once we split, she all of a sudden starts having infatuations with all these boys and starts chasing after them!

 

I feel like she gave everyone but me her affections. Every point I made, every question or concern I had -- was denied, and in response I was told I was paranoid, clingy, insecure, and untrusting -- and yet reality only reinforces my viewpoints!

 

It's like when we were together she was keeping so much from me despite the evidence that lent credence to a certain conclusion. She'd reassure me otherwise and then bash me for even bringing such things up. When we had issues, I said I'd agree to change and be more trusting, but when the same old things kept happening (e.g. she kept distance from me, didn't want to talk on the phone, email, IM, whatever), and for a while I let such things slide. But then it only elevated to a sickening point and I had to ask about it again -- but as you can expect, I was fought against with the claim of "You haven't changed at all."

 

And now that we are split it's like she's transformed from the sweet, generous, affectionate girl I once knew into this glacial, unsympathetic, and downright rude individual. One minute she'd say "I love you so much, honey" to "Go talk to someone that cares." She posted stuff on her blog (like one of those "relationship quizzes") that indicate "I only tease people when I don't actually like them -- when I am interested I am very aggressive and direct" or "I play games but not consciously" or "I don't back down in an argument -- I am stubborn even when I know I'm wrong." And, with regards to "her last ex" she replied "The less said, the better."

 

All this stuff just makes my blood boil and I don't know if that's her intention or not. But I feel like instead of letting me heal she continually puts up information in places where she knows I can see it just to twist the knife. I want to know if the reason for my relationship failing is more her fault or mine -- because I seem to either have a fundamental flaw within myself, or I somehow end up with similar types of girls in every relationship who enjoy drama and turning into pain-loving individuals.

 

It makes me mad that she is so quick to desire a random hookup (with a senior at her school, because if it doesn't work out he'll be gone next year anyway, and if it goes well, then it goes well) when she had continually told me she wanted to just be alone and not deal with other men, or that random hookups were not her thing because she needed emotional connections. But now I feel like I was totally right the whole time and she's just being a bitch about everything.

 

I'm still very confused and don't know what to really think or do. I tried being logical and reasonable about everything but part of me wonders if it's all really just my fault, or if I am really that insecure and low on the confidence scale. I mean I feel confident generally but when a girl in a relationship shows obvious signs of something, damnit I am gonna ask about it. In return I just get told I am an untrusting, insecure whiner. But I had so much love for this girl and it is hard for me to just let go despite what I know.

 

Why is it so hard to find a girl who isn't into these drama games? Who has the capacity to love? Someone who can be happy just seeing someone they like... who isn't bored if I can't provide them with a three-ring circus every time we meet? Who is willing to be honest and direct with me without beating around the bush for months on end? Somebody that I can trust? Who can be understanding and patient and work through issues instead of running away at the first sign of trouble? I know I sound very whiny and unconfident but I've had a lot of negativity these past few years... a horrible relationship with a girl in high school (who led me on and cheated), another high school girl who just flat-out dumped me exogenously, a girl I was interested in and went to prom with (who was also leading me on), my most recent girlfriend (also led me on, don't know if she cheated though), followed by family deaths, school and work stress, etc.

 

I feel like there are so many bad things that keep happening to me but I've done a fairly good job of keeping up... people always tell me that I am attractive, intelligent, caring, and all these things, but if such things are true, why am I constantly treated like dirt? Am I actually being treated like this or am I imagining it? I feel like everyone I am with is just a drama-loving liar who withholds affection. All the stuff I've said so far in this post would normally be deemed "unconfident", but at least I know the causal factors involved to an extent. The question is, what the hell do I do about it? Am I looking for the wrong things in a woman? Is it too early to tell?

 

Anyways thank you all who have read this so far... I am gonna stop before this gets too long.

[jerbear]

Stop reading her blogs, especially when moving on. It will just drag you back in. Make you either upset, depressed, or whatever.

 

Refocus your thoughts on your reading days. Put the vertex of your eyes and mind with that of your courses. tough love but gotta make sure you move on; at least till after the semester is over.

[whichwayisup]

I was just going to say that...Stop reading! You need to go into NC mode my dear, and that means NOT reading her blog! It's not doing you any good and it's just upsetting/pissing you off even more.

 

Go have some fun with your buddy's! Forget about her right now on focus on YOU!

[aleatoryd]

It's unhealthy to follow her life. Sometimes in breakup space is required - well actually most times. If you find yourself attracting the wrong types it's not unusual to blame yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. I always find girls ended up doing the same to me then I looked at how I acted and I realised I was a very negative person - life of the party loads of friends but deep down in relationships felt empty and alone. It's taken time but I've realised and still am that I had to get myself happy with singleness and think hard about relationships.

 

Yeah I know what you're thinking that self reflective "finding yourself" bull! It's working though and it's an ongoing maturing process. I'm no longer head over heels infactuation (only level 2 infactuation now lol) I think carefully about what I do. I'm not emotionless I think emotions are essential but I balance head knowledge against heart. I also don't act like a victim anymore. I'm having fun discovering what I want in a future wife through my friendships and dating. I also identified my bad habits and questioned my desperation to be with someone else. I'd like to think I'm a more complete person.

 

I hope you learn to exhibit self assurance and confidence (even when we aren't!) because it's like a self fulfilling prophecy if we think we are doomed we end up putting ourselves in situations, letting people take advantage, going into things to quickly or sometimes being too wary to take chances and then we blow things. Good luck I believe when we are content things will work out.

[westernxer]

Post your own blog about all the new chicks you're meeting. Word will get back to her, then she'll go bonkers.

[Vertex]

I'm not really meeting new chicks though, and it'd be hard to talk about it without it being obvious. And it's just incite her to ACTUALLY go bang more guys, which would just drive me more nuts.

[whichwayisup]

Yup, so don't play her game. Just please, for your own sanity, STOP reading her blog. She knows you're checking it out and I'm sure she is purposely adding stuff in TO piss you off and get you feeling jealous.

 

Delete it from your browser and don't go trying to find it or re-type it in your browser later either.

 

You have to get to the point where you just don't care enough to be bothered...I know you're not close to that stage yet, but doing this ONE thing will help. Less you know about her right now the better off you are.

[MadDog]

I'm not really meeting new chicks though, and it'd be hard to talk about it without it being obvious. And it's just incite her to ACTUALLY go bang more guys, which would just drive me more nuts.

 

That's the problem. You shouldn't give a rat's ass whether she's banging no one or 600 guys to break the world gangbang record. Go out there and meet some chicks, preferably hot ones. It'll make you feel better.

[Vertex]

Easier said than done though..

[ms_jnj]

You know, Vertex, these questions you ask are all very normal. You are going through the grieving process...how much time it takes you to get through it completely depends upon who you are. All I can tell you is that it does get better with time...sounds cliche, but time does heal.

 

And even if it was your fault (and from your previous posts it simply sounds like the two of you weren't suited, fault aside) well....we all make relationship mistakes, and you gotta do what you gotta do and try not to worry about who's fault the whole mess was precisely.

 

And my biggest piece of advice: no contact!

 

Honestly when I broke up with my long-term boyfriend I still talked to him, answered his phone calls and read his blogs. I opened the door wide to have my heart walked all over again and again. Everyone told me to cut off contact with him, but I was sure they didn't understand. Finally, it was my sanity or cutting him off, so I did. I haven't read his blog in over a year, ignore his calls etc. Within two weeks of doing so I felt 75% better. Really--- no contact is the quickest way to begin the healing of the wound.

 

Good luck, and remember -- you'll be ok. I promise.

[ms_jnj]

Ohhh one more thing...about the guys she's "seeing..."

 

a) Maybe she knows you read her blogs and is trying to make you feel jealous...

b) Maybe she's more hurt by the break-up than she will admit to you and needs a rebound (or multiple rebounds:o ) to get over you...

c) Maybe she's one of those insecure chicks that thinks their world will implode if they don't have a man from age 13 on without a mere day of being single in between...

d) Maybe she's an attention whore...

e) Maybe she just wants a fresh sex partner or two...

 

f) It doesn't really matter. You guys have broken up and her life and her body and who she gives it to....you don't have a say anymore. Hard to acknowledge that but you really don't have a leg to stand on. Do you really want to be with someone who would sleep around as much as she does anyway...after all what does that say about her character? I know it is nearly impossible to see this when a break up is fresh, but....maybe you're better off without her, you should least consider that.

[MadDog]

c) Maybe she's one of those insecure chicks that thinks their world will implode if they don't have a man from age 13 on without a mere day of being single in between...

 

Serial monogomists. Dem bitches be annoying.

[Vertex]

Yeah she is a serial monogamist... never been without a boyfriend since the start of middle school

[MadDog]

I don't trust girls that haven't been single for at least 6+ months at some point in their lives after high school. If she's a SM, I'm just another body filling in the role. I'm a dude but it's still cool to feel special.

[mental_traveller]

I feel like she gave everyone but me her affections. Every point I made, every question or concern I had -- was denied, and in response I was told I was paranoid, clingy, insecure, and untrusting -- and yet reality only reinforces my viewpoints!

 

So she lied? Get over it already.

[blind_otter]

Ironically you're not really making room to allow yourself time to heal. As long as you keep reading about her life on her blogs, you are delaying the process of dealing with the breakup.