silktricks Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I have finally realized that LS is not the place. I will no longer be a member of LS, but feel that it is cowardly to not say why. The people who get support here are OW, those trying to decide whether or not to be OW, and those who have decided to divorce because their marriage partner has had an affair. Those of us who have decided that we want to make our marriage work are treated very poorly. We are called stupid, short-sighted, gullible, etc. We are told that our husbands ALWAYS go back to the OW, that they NEVER tell the truth. We are told (despite our own experiences) that the OW would NEVER chase after a MM. Any experience we have to the contrary is ridiculed and we are told that we just don't know that we are (still) being lied to. If a BS posts on the OW forum she is castigated, however, OW post on the infidelity and marriage forums constantly. A couple of (former) MM's posted on this forum for a time. They were very angry people, and obviously were having a difficult time or they would not have ever even searched for a forum such as this. They got zero support. Why shouldn't they also get support? They had problems too. Anyway, that's why I'm leaving. There are a couple of people here whose views I will miss, but not enough to stay.
kitten chick Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Sorry, I don't know your story silktricks since I tend to stay out of both of those forums nowadays but you're not the first person to complain about this. There have been threads started with people jockeying for a BS section for exactly the reasons you explained in your post. I'm sorry that you weren't able to find the support that you were looking for here.
Blind Illusion Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I don't know enough of your story either, SilkTricks, but I don't like it when people need support & don't get it. (that's just how I am, I guess) I'm not sure entirely but could it be that there are some posts by a betrayed spouse, that are still questioning whether their husband is continuing in his deceipt. Some have outright asked the OW's imput if this has been the experience. Those posts might generate the kind of responses you don't want to hear. Nor do you want to hear that you are being naive or gullible. I don't blame you one bit. I don't mean to sound that I am defending OW-really, I am not. I can also fully appreciate how if you are trying to recreate your marriage, you don't need voices catering to any residue nagging doubts that you may have. It will undermine the whole rebuilding process. Just an aside, because you spoke of LoveShack being a support place for OW. To be honest, I always felt that there is a slight bias of support for those leaving the affair situation as opposed to someone who might find themselves in the situation and needs help dealing with the problems involved. I suppose it's all in our perceptions to a certain degree also. I find that I do best just taking what I need from this forum right now & store the rest to either mentally discard or use at some other point if I need it. Maybe you can do that also If not, best of luck to you with everything.
Blind Illusion Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86871/ One last thing, if you check out my and a few others replies, I basically said that trying to work out something in a marriage has nothing whatsoever to do with being gullible. I am sure there are a lot of others that think like that-perhaps even more in a similar situation to you.
zarathustra Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I have finally realized that LS is not the place. I will no longer be a member of LS, but feel that it is cowardly to not say why. The people who get support here are OW, those trying to decide whether or not to be OW, and those who have decided to divorce because their marriage partner has had an affair. Those of us who have decided that we want to make our marriage work are treated very poorly. We are called stupid, short-sighted, gullible, etc. We are told that our husbands ALWAYS go back to the OW, that they NEVER tell the truth. We are told (despite our own experiences) that the OW would NEVER chase after a MM. Any experience we have to the contrary is ridiculed and we are told that we just don't know that we are (still) being lied to. If a BS posts on the OW forum she is castigated, however, OW post on the infidelity and marriage forums constantly. A couple of (former) MM's posted on this forum for a time. They were very angry people, and obviously were having a difficult time or they would not have ever even searched for a forum such as this. They got zero support. Why shouldn't they also get support? They had problems too. Anyway, that's why I'm leaving. There are a couple of people here whose views I will miss, but not enough to stay. Silk, Sorry to hear you are leaving. Personally, I don't think you are stupid, short-sighted or gullible. As a MW who was an OW while my H and I were separated, I can only tell you that I am glad to have a second chance. I think that my xMM treated me like sh-t in the end, but that's neither here nor there now. I need to focus on my M with my H as I know that he is the one who really loves me. As I recall that you have had many wonderful and supportive posts here and you will definitely be missed. Good luck with your M. I hope you find the support you need. If you do want to stay in contact with some of the people here, maybe PM them with how they can stay in touch?
sylviaguardian Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 Silktricks, I personally have had a lot of good advice on LS (Thank you Owl, LadyJane, Trimmer, WWIU, Dazed and all the rest, too many to mention) but I kind of get where you are coming from. I think there is a need for a BS section on LS because once the original 'drama' is over, posts here don't get too many replies and there will always be the 'black and white' brigade answering too. Although LS literally saved my sanity, I started to find that posting here set me back a bit too so I have decided not to actually post anything as well. Good luck to you in the future. It's a long slog. There are other sites more geared up to what you need but it's shame that LS doesn't offer something for the longer term, the way they do for OW/OM. Sylvia
Ladyjane14 Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I think there is a need for a BS section on LS because once the original 'drama' is over, posts here don't get too many replies and there will always be the 'black and white' brigade answering too. Heck, I'd be happy enough with ONE PINNED THREAD...if it was dedicated to Recovery & Forgiveness! I can't blame anybody for occasionally getting down in the dumps around here. We're in an observation role alot of the time where people are behaving pretty badly. What's worse is that more often than not, they want validation for it....rather than REAL solutions for fixing the problem. Take a 'burn-out' break if you need one, Silk (and Sylvia too). Then come back when you're feeling fresh again. LS needs voices like yours.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 Silk - As a BS who has stayed with her H I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you just have to pick the good advise from the bad. No one posting here will ever have the full story and the responses to threads are generally as that particular poster relates to the story based upon his/her past experiences. Sometimes I have questions, or a thought, or ... God forbid, a high anxiety moment. Mostly because I am thinking too much and putting way too much into an action, or something that was said. I want to post, but don't because I don't want the perception to be that H is screwing me around and I'm just not seeing it. In reality what it is I'm experiencing at that moment in time is just the repurcussions of his EA and the betrayal of that. Nothing is going on, H is great and doing all that he can. But the feelings, the thoughts, the need to get angry once in awhile and let it all out still come up. I will miss seeing your posts ... you have been pretty supportive of all. I'll pm you later and hopefully you and I can keep in touch via email.
target-d Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I too will miss your posts. I hope after a while you will change your mind and return. Don't let the flamers get you down, many of them are simply too involved in their own situation to see that other situations may not be a match for their experiences. Some will learn with time and life experiences, others will not. I hope that you read enough of LS to see that your input is valuable to many.
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I assumed wrong, but I always thought the infidelity forum was for Betrayed Spouses. Yet, I always see posts about the poster who is the cheater. Maybe LS needs to clearly STATE that the OW/OM thread should be OW/OM, MM/MW and infidelity is 'just' for betrayed spouses. I think this is part of the problem and then the flaming wars start. Also, it's so easy to get feelings hurt, read something the wrong way online as at times it jumps off the page a certain way...I don't know. Sorry to see you go, but I do wish you all the best. Take care and maybe some day you'll come back again to LS.
grateful Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I think there should be a general "Infidelity" area as well as specific OW/OM and BS areas. I say this because I registered in LS specifically to get help getting out of the very beginnings of an affair. I was the one cheating on my SO but I'm not sure I would have gotten the best support in the OW/OM area if it had also been a MM/MW area. I'm not saying this because I'm not married, I've been with my SO long enough to consider myself married. I say this because the OW/OM area is filled with long time OW who support each other. I'm not sure they are the proper group to have talked me off that ledge. The experience of OW/OM as well as the experience of a BS are both very particular and unique, as opposed to people newly dealing with the idea of cheating. Therefore OW/OM and BS both need their own spaces to discuss their issues while maintaining a general "Infidelity" area for people who don't have the sort of established roles the OW/OM or BS's have.
Author silktricks Posted April 29, 2006 Author Posted April 29, 2006 Thank-you all for your comments. I AM going to take a break from LS, for the reasons I said, but after reading your comments and seeing that others of you feel very similar to the way I feel, I will probably be back on occasion and see how everyone is doing. Take care everybody.
whichwayisup Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 You take care too and remember you aren't alone in this. If you need help or anything, post back or feel free to PM me anytime.
Curmudgeon Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Betrayed Spouse -- something I was in the former marriage.
Curmudgeon Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Good! I'm a former betrayed spouse which is something I haven't made much, if any, mention of before on this site. I chose to divorce her after the second time but I have to admire those who still see enough value in their marriages and spouses to stick it out and do the very hard work of resurecting their relationship. I simply didn't.
westernxer Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Sometimes it's better to cut your losses versus dying a slow death, especially if the other person isn't willing to change. I don't know how people can stick it out so long when the marriage is bad. But I'm not married, so what do I know.
parentdetective Posted April 29, 2006 Posted April 29, 2006 Hello So what do some of the abbreviations stand for? For some of us, these are new....I am new here, so I don't quite know what happend..
target-d Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Hello So what do some of the abbreviations stand for? For some of us, these are new....I am new here, so I don't quite know what happend.. ow - other woman om - other man bs - betrayed spouse mm - married man (who's fooling around) mw - married woman (who's fooling around) ws - wayward spouse
Marcus as the Peanut Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/ http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
target-d Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 oh yeah, and a - affair ea - emotional affair (no sex) pa - physical affair m - marriage
StrivingtoSucceed Posted May 4, 2006 Posted May 4, 2006 Silk - I tried PMing you, but when I click on your name that option is no longer there. If you receive a notification about this post send me an email, I'd like to talk with you and catch up.
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