Guest Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Hi all I went out with someone who was perfect. We had to break up cos we realised that we wouldn't be able to sort out religious differences in the long term, so it would be best to break now as opposed to later. We went straight into being best friends, which worked much better as we were always much more matey than hot and heavy (chemistry only really grew cos we were together rather than being there much intially, although personality-wise we were identical and thus attractive to each other). Anyways I realised I was still emotionally dependent and decided I would try slowly to distance myself, but I didn't realise the extent of it until I saw him hanging around with a female friend and all sorts of anger flared up. I forward predicted he must be moving on just after 2 weeks and no longer loved me! We discussed this and he tried to calm me down, and said of course he still did and he would stop hanging around with this other girl if I wished it. I calmed down and said no it was fine (to be honest, I had no desire to get back together, I just wanted him as my exclusive emotional crux so I figured I was just being selfish). Anyways the rest of the week I was bizarrely really clingy and teary, and being his 'twin', I realised he would end up liking this girl as she was everything I wasn't: correct religion, hotter, and really lovely to boot, and I experienced for the first time him not circling around me at a party we went to. In a random conversation he mentioned how he didn't like anyone at the moment, and that 'we were in this together' regarding my insecurity, and asked me if it wasn't anything silly like the other girl that I was upset over. The next day we cleared up all the issues I had and I was feeling great. That same evening he told me that he had forgotten what it was like to love me. I accepted this. The next day she asked him out and he said yes. He told me he only realised it when she asked him out that he liked her, and that it was a proper relationship as opposed to ours, with chemistry and the fact he didn't know her made it spontaneous whereas ours was calm and dependable. He said that i was still his twin and the new girl and him had nothing in common (what the ****?), and he still cared about me a lot, telling me if there was any event I wanted to go to he would discourage her from going so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable, asked if we could start over as friends again etc. Went NC, has really helped. Question is, can someone give me his perspective? I feel like I've been betrayed even though as we weren't going out, he is entitled to go out with someone. I suppose it's cos we broke for pragmatic rather than emotional reasons thus I hadn't entered the breakup process. I still think he is a good person as he treated me like a princess the whole time we were together, and I know he doesn't try to hurt people. But I just felt he should have allowed me a gap to emotionally adjust to singleness if he was serious about us being friends: he is generally one of the most considerate people I know. I don't know if this is a justified expectation. 6 days just seems short from loving someone to getting to know someone else and then going out with her. We have both never dated, so he may have just not realised how much this would hurt (he told me if he'd known I'd have had a problem with it he wouldn't have dated her until I said it was OK). But I think anyone surely would? His attitude is that with time we will be friends again. Mutual friends have told me he has moved on and is happy, though his oldest female friend has said she can tell he hasn't actually dealt with the issue of me at all as he just won't discuss it. That makes no sense to me: surely if you've moved on, you've dealt with it pretty decisively! I would like a friendship in the future, as I know it cannot develop into anything else, I 100% would never want to go out with him, and the flirty nature of the original friendship isn't something I would miss. But unless I/we resolve the issues of trust and betrayal, it seems unlikely.
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