Guest Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Imagine this was you: Very happy in your current relationship (lots of I love you's coming from you, wanting to spend alot of time with your g.f. staying overnight with one another 5-6 nights a week etc....) You are walking around with a constant smile on your face, life is good, you are in your bliss........ THEN: Out of the blue.....You recieve an email. It's from your EX. Your unrequitted love, the one you got hurt by, the one where there was no "closure", you have a long history with this woman, but.....she hasn't contacted you in over a year, AND you are very happy with your current g.f. Hypothetically what would you do? A) Answer the email---perhaps even just to answer her or let her know your "current situation" (even though she was a b*tch to you and hasn't contacted you in over a year and are happy with the new g.f) if you do reply to her email do you tell your current g.f. you wrote the ex? (which would really upset the new g.f and might hurt her as well) B) Ignore the email (and if you ignore it would you bother to tell your current g.f the ex wrote you?) Now keeping in mind, the EX was not good for you, and your current g.f. knows all about the history and how devasted you were when you broke up. The current g.f. has some element of "insecurity" surrounding your relationship with this particular ex (none of the other ex's just this one...long story....) and again, it has been a full year of NC from either party.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Answer: B) & C) Delete the damn thing! Don't look back. And rejoice in the face that you have a wonderful girlfriend who loves you.
vampress1 Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I think you should include your current g/f... show her the email and ask her what she thinks you should do. If she's insecure about your past relationship with this woman, this will empower your current g/f. Good luck and kudos for not acting before thinking things through.
Alexandra Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Well that very much depends on the status quo in the other relationship. Have you both gotten closure? If not why and do you need it? It also depends on the content of the email. Is it a snide remark, an invitation for more, does she say she misses you or is she trying to establish friendly contact? As for your current lady, how did she become insecure about this past relationship and from what you know of her, would it benefit her to be involved in this or to the contrary? And last but not least, do you want to answer and if so, why? I don't think there's any "here, do this and it will be perfect" magic formula to a dilemma like that but maybe answering those questions would give you some clues and clarity.
riobikini Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Email her -don't call her, for God's sake- and tell her that her contact is unwelcome. Then demonstrate to her that her email is unwelcome immediately after sending. ***Block her address*** That should take care of the problem. That is, -unless you left the tone in the email open-ended and unsure, and decided not to block her email, which, in that case, shows you're asking for trouble, aren't serious at all, and are ready for the new, always-ridiculous, highly dramatic, and ego-inflating contact games to begin. -Rio
daphne Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Personally, I would feel avenged and simply delete the email. I wouldn't look back. I don't think I'd tell my girlfriend though. If she's insecure about it it will probably make her a little paranoid.
batesal Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I would reply the e-mail. Why? Because there are 2 maybe even 3 things going on here. She left you without any reason, just out. Then a year later she is contacting you? Something happend in her life and she need someone other than her friends to talk to. Or she is curious about you and wants to see if you are still single and thinking about her, or she saw you somewhere and she wanted to drop you a message and see how you where. Yes, there could be more reasons as to why she is now contacting you, but in your reply, you can be an a**h***, or you can be honset. I would tell her about my current situation, what I had been up to the last 12 months, and tell her about my new realtionship, but not tell her about what we do, how we are and when we met. In the close of the e-mail I would ask her why she decided to contact me after a year, after she left me out hurt and confused and let her know that after I asked for a 2nd chance, begged and pleaded and was also treated like dirt, that if she beleives that she can just come back into my life and start over, she is kidding herself. Then I would let her know that I am not mad or upset at her, I just didn't appreciate the way she treated me, and that unless she is in some trouble to leave me alone. If she replies, you will know why. Cause she replied. Then you have to do what you "NEED" to do to forget she was part of your life.
Numbheart Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Woah! Before you do anything, rather than ask in here, ask yourself who would you rather be with now and in the future. If you have a clear answer then things are simple and you hopefully know the way to go. If you cant answer it or you have conflicting thoughts, then its a dilema which will be highlighted once you are honest with yourself about your feelings towards each of these people.
vampress1 Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Personally, I would feel avenged and simply delete the email. I wouldn't look back. I don't think I'd tell my girlfriend though. If she's insecure about it it will probably make her a little paranoid. I agree the the "avenged" part of this reply. HOWEVER... not telling your current girlfriend is a big mistake! What would happen if she found out? There is always the risk of her finding out... I can tell you with 100% certainty that if she does find out that there was an email from an ex (deleted or responded to) she is going to feel awful that you weren't honest with her. Also, as many people like to point out on LS... omission is lying too. Again, I strongly encourage you to involve your girlfriend in your decision to either respond or delete.
blind_otter Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I agree the the "avenged" part of this reply. HOWEVER... not telling your current girlfriend is a big mistake! What would happen if she found out? There is always the risk of her finding out... I can tell you with 100% certainty that if she does find out that there was an email from an ex (deleted or responded to) she is going to feel awful that you weren't honest with her. Also, as many people like to point out on LS... omission is lying too. Again, I strongly encourage you to involve your girlfriend in your decision to either respond or delete. I wouldn't want to read an email my BF's ex sent. Sorry, I just wouldn't. Why would finding out that your partner deleted an email from their ex without responding -- why would that be upsetting? I deleted like hundreds of emails a week. I think it would take up a lot of time to involve your partner with EVERY.SINGLE.DECISION.
Guest Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 It's a "hypothetical" situation...meaning...it hasn't "happened" Actually, I'm on the other end of the situation... Meaning: I was wondering what kind of conversation to have with my b.f should this situation arise?? Do I ask him point blank to "tell me" if she writes...Do I just "trust" that he will know to "do the right thing" should she write? Do I need to make it perfectly clear that I hope/trust/expect him to let me know if she contacts him...or is it implied?? (in a happy relationship, is it implied that he would let me know/we would talk about it) I don't want to sound "demanding" and/or want to make sure I'm "justified" in asking him to "let me know" should this happen. They say the EX usually comes crawling bac/or intitiates contact at some point (with her, it would prob. be for an ego boost/ to see if she still "has him" to some extent) On one hand I feel I should just live/be happy/trust he will tell me if she writes/calls...but there is a part of me that feels the need to spell it out/tell him that's what I expect, BUT....I don't want to come across as overly insecure. (he knows there is issues surrounding this girl...(he was writing her/talking to her for a full year...without letting me know in the past **We are "just friends" it's a "non-issue" so I didn't think i had to tell you, BUT...they got back together at one point in the past 3 yrs.....and broke up again....and he is with me and happy. I guess even though he has "realized" it was improper for him to be in contact with her before (during our 1st chance) without telling me....and I feel he would "know" enough to let me know, I guess I was looking for an opinion of "what should I be telling him/asking for" from him....SHOULD this situation arise.
gfto Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 This is easy. Don't reply. Delete the e-mail, and do not mention it to your girlfriend. What concerns me is your current relationship. Constantly telling her you love her, and wanting to spend five to six nights per week with her could spell disaster eventually. Slow down. How long have you been with your current gf? And, why does she know so much about your ex? Spilling your guts to your gf about how badly your last relationship ended is not a good idea. Always keep it light and funny. Don't bring up the ex under any circumstances. If your current gf ever asks you about her, just smile and say, "she developed an attitude, so I had to dump her!"
vampress1 Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I wouldn't want to read an email my BF's ex sent. Sorry, I just wouldn't. Why would finding out that your partner deleted an email from their ex without responding -- why would that be upsetting? I deleted like hundreds of emails a week. I think it would take up a lot of time to involve your partner with EVERY.SINGLE.DECISION. Clearly, i'm not referring to "every single decision"... way to read into things! I am, however, suggesting that if there is nothing to hide, than why hide? As far as why it would be upsetting?... he mentioned that his girlfriend is already insecure about his past relationship (i'm not saying that's a rational feeling, it's just what he said). I'm just guessing here, you tell me "guest", would she freak if she found out later?
Guest Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Clearly, i'm not referring to "every single decision"... way to read into things! I am, however, suggesting that if there is nothing to hide, than why hide? As far as why it would be upsetting?... he mentioned that his girlfriend is already insecure about his past relationship (i'm not saying that's a rational feeling, it's just what he said). I'm just guessing here, you tell me "guest", would she freak if she found out later? Yes, I would freak out.....not due to his replying to an email from her, but if he didn't tell me about it from the get-go.....basically due to the fact that I agree with what you said, "Omission is lying too" and if we have a strong relationship, should he tell me IF she wrote/writes him? If one of my exs wrote (one with a long history and one that hurt me and was hard to get over....I would tell him.) One another note, under normal circumstances it would be okay, but he and I were good friends during this whole situation/break-up/heartache....I SAW what happened, he told me everything(like I said, at the time we were friends and I was "there" for him (as a friend) so I know EVERY sordid detail...(unfortunately) (that's why the other ex's don't "worry" me per sey. He never had them break his heart and I wasn't around during the sagas....)
etherealism Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 rio and jen_jen are absolutely right this actually happened to me in october. my 2nd-ex bf was a isht who wasted 5 yrs of my life, I say this in retrospect of course. we were together for 2.5 yrs, broke up for 6 months and he comes crying back about how I was the best thing in his life. a 2 month trial later and we're back together only to break up again. and I got no closure. I thought he was my first love but I was in love with the idea of being in love. never the guy. I wanted it and it wasn't. I know that now. out of the blue he emails me on my gmail acct which he's never used to say "hi how are you?" I knew my ex would try to contact me again one day and get back together. I told my bf about this email and that I would just ignore him or be a biatch about it. my bf told me that I should be nice so over the span of nearly 2 months I would just send short curt replies consisting of "i'm fine" at my own convience. like every 2 wks or so. I finally said "cut the crap what the hell do you want? i'm tired of your games. and yes i am seeing somebody else now". my ex finally went into some spiel of apologizing for hurting me, how karma has gotten to him, and that he's trying to deal with his demons and look for a lost little boy and at MY OWN convience 3 wks later, it took me all of 5 mins to write this to my jerky ex you know, i never truly realized how much you have talked out of your ass until retrospect. haven't I heard the same maniacal bulls*** that you're spewing out now 3 years ago? or basically throughout that laughing joke of a relationship. "oh i'm so sorry for hurting you (all the countless ways) ... i'll never forgive myself for it ... blah blah yada yada yada". its that sick carousel routine that should have ended last year when we did. what exactly are you sorry for? (or are you just feeling sorry for yourself?) do you even fcking know? the things that you've done? how about the things that you haven't done? the things that you said? the lies, the ridiculous fabricated stories. or the things that were not said over the span of weeks, even months. if the pain you caused me was enough to last me a thousand life times, then i would have put myself out of my misery years ago. so you shouldn't flatter yourself it was not that detrimental to my existence; otherwise i would never have found myself together with the wonderful guy i am seeing. whatever you're asking me i cannot give you. if its forgiveness, i tried that once before. excuses when yours didn't suffice, and alibis all the same. i was far too lenient in putting up with your bs because i wanted to believe in something not tangible. if you want to deal with your demons, I recommend a sobriety check. and a control of your substance usage. i also recommend pulling that stick out of your ass from your mother's puppeteering. its quite unattractive. always has been. by the way, i'm not some demon you've created, i'm your ex-girlfriend. lets leave it at that. whatever you refer to me as with other people, i sincerely do not give a isht. I highly doubt that you will find some lost little boy looming around in my inbox. i never found you in my inbox to begin with. you got your space so you can keep it. i do not understand your need to apologize / explain to me. it is inconsequential. so i suppose your metaphorical nonsense has lost its meaning upon me. .... and yes I did show my bf this email. actually, the whole series of short replies leading up to that as well. I know he trusts me, but I felt the need to be honest and let my bf know straight up what was going on - which was NOTHING. I know perhaps he felt insecure that my ex did try to communicate with me - because we do have this history. but I reassured or confirmed once more, that I love my bf and I was happy where I was in doing all this: sitting on his bed using his laptop cleansing my ex out of my system with an enema. the question is ... how do you feel about your current gf v/s your ex? for me there was an absolute clear answer. you, on the otherhand may still have lingering feelings.
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