Gunny376 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Ahh, were getting a little ahead of ourselves I guess. But DesperateDad, your wife hasn't a clue what she is doing right now. I mean jesus, who in their right mind would break up a family with 6 kids. 5 under seven years old? I can't imagine the work it takes to change diapers, feed, supervise them all the time, just cleaning up after them in general. Maybe Gunny could run them like a squad or something, but I'd find just taking care of my 4 & 6 year olds a daunting task alone. Does your wife even have a clue? If this OM is at all sane he would start running the other direction. I can't imagine any scenario where I would get involved with a woman with 6 kids. He might screw her, but I wouldn't worry about him supporting her. I don't envy your position, and yeah, you probably won't be living the life of a playboy.. but what alternative do you have if the wife says the marriage is over and won't quit her affair? Personally, I'd be happy alone, poor in a crackerbox apartment (with a TV and computer) with a gf than going through this maritial hell. As long as you get to spend quality (not necessarily quantity) time with your kids.. I "feel" you Bro~ I understand where you're coming from. I've got two tours of split second scheduling as a United States Marine Drill Instructor under my belt. Where every lost minute of training cost the Govt. $10,000 Me? I think I could ride herd on cats! I call you, "Bro" because you obviosly have been up in the "s**t! You're a veteran. You're a vet! Only "vets understand "vets"
SoleMate Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 ...the work it takes to change diapers, feed, supervise them all the time, just cleaning up after...a family with 6 kids...Maybe Gunny could run them like a squad... Ha ha! I bet he could! Or train the older ones to look after the younger ones. "Officer of the Day...REPORT!!" But do you see the point? Maybe the mom DID go off her head after taking care of this many! I'm with you CTA, two is PLENTY!!! Give the lady a break, give her a good (loving) pounding, and maybe she will be the well-behaved wife again in a week or so.
Lollie72 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Th I don't understand the change that's come over her in the last few weeks. She's been going to this meditation class and talking about all this weird stuff that she's seeing, auras and spirits that talk to her and it's scaring me. She told me that a speaker flew off the mantel twice one day and almost hit our baby. She thinks it's a spirit trying to talk to her. Is it coincidence that she's acting this way after these classes? What's up? I'm getting worried about this stuff and her state of mind. It just doesn't seem normal. Hi Desperate, I'm a spiritualist, we're not danerous by any means, and things don't usually fly through the air, it's much different if your talking haunting. Then you'd be seeking a ghost hunter, a different breed of dog! And also I do have limited expeience studying ghost hunting, sometimes teenaged girls with high hormones tend to set off physical phenemenona. In your case I'm guessing if your wife has had baby after baby literally I'd not be surprised if this is a similiar chemically caused reaction. Otherwise I'm guessing she's giving mistattributions to things that fall on a routine basis because of simple gravity. In either case, it appears she's seeking sort of acceptance and support from whatever group may be able to give it to her. I'd not completely deny what experiences she's having so you don't further alienate her. SHe may be a psychic that has never accepted her gifts openly and become honest over this, come of of the closet so-to-speak. I was one until 9 years ago. Feel free to research at NASC.org site. However my preferred church is a Christian Psychic one.
Lollie72 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Ha ha! I bet he could! Or train the older ones to look after the younger ones. "Officer of the Day...REPORT!!" But do you see the point? Maybe the mom DID go off her head after taking care of this many! I'm with you CTA, two is PLENTY!!! Give the lady a break, give her a good (loving) pounding, and maybe she will be the well-behaved wife again in a week or so. This is the same type of irresponsible advice I read on other sites (usually from well meaning men)that compelely assumes women only want one thing to calm them down. When the woman probably needs more communcation and emotional support as most women are basically not given because it's in our training women to women mother to child, unfortunately we don't marry women, we marry men whom are trained to be more emotionally closed!
Lollie72 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I hear you Gunny. Something in me just died after my wife put me through the ringer.. If I do end up getting divorced I am going to take a nice long break from relationships and just live by myself. DD, I want you to look on the bright side... Whatever happens you really do have your whole life still out in front of you. It may seem gloomy right now, but its all a matter of perspective. I was diagnosed with cancer during my maritial problems earlier this year... it puts many things into perspective. Even if you and your wife aren't meant to be together in the future, you can still have a good relationship with your kids and find true love somewhere else. Life can throw some real curveballs at you, you just got to keep swinging till the game is over. I'm in PDX.
Lollie72 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Thats your problem.. you don't want to disrupt your family life.. She apparently doesn't have a problem disrupting your life! To resolve this, you are going to have to shake things up.. pop her fantasy bubble. Tell her you have finally accepted that she no longer values the marriage and then just walk away. Shoot, I'd tell her that you need a few days to compose yourself, walk out the door and tell her that your going to see a lawyer about a legal seperation. Just get in your car and drive away. Take away her controll for a few days. Do not back down unless she comes crawling back and swears she will never talk to the other man again. She is not stupid, she knows that your upset about your family unit breaking down, she knows your worried about your kids, she knows your jeleous about the OM, but she is in control and loving it. She is loving pushing your buttons. The tables will be turned when 1. She can't push your buttons, 2. She thinks you do not care anymore. 3. She has to face reality without you to support her. This is all about control, you need to completely take hers away, this will cause her bubble to pop. I know your worried about the kids, but you have to do what you have to do. Your marriage as you knew it is probably over for good. If you do have a chance for her to come crawling back, you need to take action fairly soon. Every day this situation persists puts more water under the bridge and makes things more and more difficult to patch up (if they even can be). Form a drastic plan of action and follow it. What you have been doing so far has not worked. This guy hasn't been a husband or father for the entire length of the marriage, he's been in school and also at work. If he wanted all of those kids it sucks, she's his babymaker. And if she wanted them, she was probably trying to find someone (other human being) to love her since he only did one thing for her for years(which is making babies).
Lollie72 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Think marriage is war and act like it's war, then of couse their spouses are going to leave them. There's very little emotional availability being expressed here, it's all about how the man's ego is hurt and he's being the victim. Is he acting like a man and being supportive to his wife, and has he ever, outside the bedroom? Saying he still wants the marriage and acting like a husband are two different things. I once talked to a guy who was angry at his dog for going to the neighbors house and getting petted and food. I asked him how he treated the dog when it came home, he hit it and tied it up. I told him to compete with the neighbors with LOVE>not chase the dog away! And, yes I have a psychology degree.
Gunny376 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Ha ha! I bet he could! Or train the older ones to look after the younger ones. "Officer of No! It was "SERGEANT OF THE GUARD! REPORT!" LOL! No, I didn't treat my children as though they were in prepetual boot camp, but I did teach them self-responsibility, self discipline, that there are consequences to their actions, the consequences to cause and effect. I taught them that life is hard, and a struggle for everyone, I taught them that the decisons they make today ~will effect their lives forever. I taught them how to survive! I taught them that life is tough, hard, to suck it up, and to enjoy the good moments! I taught them to laugh! And to cry!
Author DesperateDad Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 Thanks again for all the advice everyone. I have an appointment for a physical today and another appointment with my attorney tomorrow afternoon. I'm not ready to file yet, but I need to know more about my options at this point. I'm going to try to get my head on straight over the next few days before I take any other steps. I do believe that the competition for affection is a big factor here and with that removed from the situation, things will be clearer for everyone involved. Lollie, it would be better if you'd read my thread more closely before insulting me as being some sort of absentee father. I am very much a part of their lives and have always been. I have usually only been in school or teaching one or two nights a week and when I've been home, I am the one who bathes the children and puts them to bed. I'm usually the one to get up with them in the middle of the night and also the one who takes care of them in the morning on the weekends while their mother sleeps in (my choice to give her a break). I watch the children while my wife shops or goes out anywhere from one to four times a week lately. I've also taken care of all of the children (including just the youngest five) overnight on several occasions. I AM superdad.
Author DesperateDad Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 The XW current husband had custody of his one and only child, Tyler. He was four years old ~ his mom was practically not in the child's life. The XW convinced Billy~Bubba to not only give up custody, but to give up his parential rights. That's right ~ he's not seen, nor talked to his son, his one and only true child for fourteen years. This is unbelievable. You are definitely much better off without this woman, Gunny. Also, any man who would do what your ex's husband did to his son is no man at all. What a piece of s***.
SoleMate Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 The men on this site/thread and some women too think marriage is war and act like it's war...it's all about how the man's ego is hurt and he's being the victim...Saying he still wants the marriage and acting like a husband are two different things...I once talked to a guy who was angry at his dog for going to the neighbors house and getting petted and food. I asked him how he treated the dog when it came home, he hit it and tied it up. Wow! Great post. BTW Lollie, my "pounding" post is not typical of my advice. Nevertheless, I do stand by my advice that the wife's stress level with the 6 tiny children is something that should be considered. And welcome to Loveshack! I am sure you will be an asset here. We have a wide variety of opinions and backgrounds.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 My wife admits that she isn't telling him the truth about what's happening between us because she's afraid it will scare him off. How about that?! That's why I think if I told him that he's that big a problem, there's a halfway decent chance he might back off. Excuse me for blowing up here but I've had a freaking terrible day and it's only a little after nine. I've already cussed out a coworker for me getting in hot water for her mistake. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME HERE DD?? She ACTUALLY told you she doesn't want to scare him off??? WTF????? WTF???? WTF?????????? :sick: :sick: What does that tell you?? She's looking to replace you buddy and she's lining him up as the replacement. She knows there is no freaking way she can support all of those kids- even with child support- so she has to line up another man to take care of her!!! And you're sitting there taking that???? Go see your attorney and get legal advice. Now see what should happen next. He doesn't care if he's a problem- the man was kissing your wife! So, telling him he needs to back off because she has feelings for him is nuts. The first thing you need to do is tell his wife. She's suing him for divorce and it would be more fuel for her fight with him. Then, IF you talk to him- you tell him you want his contact with your wife to stop- or he'll be getting hit with a nice alienation of affection lawsuit- QUICKLY. He won't know if you're bluffing or not. I'd also tell him that we'd been screwing every night and that she'd obviously been lying to him about your relationship. Ask him what he thinks about supporting his ex wife and kids as well as yours??? Is he a freaking doctor?? Unless he is or independently wealthy he cannot afford it. What will she do when he doesn't have time to kiss her butt because he's working three jobs to support her, his ex wife and kids?? Then, you come home and pack her a damn bag. Have it sitting by the door. Tell her that she has a choice. Give her ten minutes to decide. She either stops talking to him right then- and goes to marriage counseling or things are going to have to change. Tell her you're tired of her s*** and that you've given her every opportunity to turn this crap around. Also, there should be no issue about her hiding money from you. You should take over the finances- like yesterday. She comes off the account- because you can't trust her. You pay all the bills etc. She gets cash in a certain amount for groceries and you will see the receipt. These guys are right- she isn't going to respect you until you grow some sack. You've tried plan A and she's just throwing this in your face. It's time to man up. Unsacklyness cannot be tolerated here DD. She's living in a freaking dreamworld. She already cannot handle those kids. What the F does she think it will be like when she's single?? OM probably just wants some strange puss and isn't in "love" with her- especially not enough to take on all those kids. I'm about to start foaming at the mouth here but you get the point of my post. If anyone needs to leave- it's not you- you make the buckos- it's HER. If she wants OM she can have him but without your kids until she can get legal representation.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 This guy hasn't been a husband or father for the entire length of the marriage, he's been in school and also at work. If he wanted all of those kids it sucks, she's his babymaker. And if she wanted them, she was probably trying to find someone (other human being) to love her since he only did one thing for her for years(which is making babies). And where was she when all of these kids were made?? Obviously not using birth control or closing her legs. She made a choice to have them as well, women aren't kept barefoot and pregnant anymore. News flash here- they need the money that his working provides. She stays at home- which I'm sure is stressful- but you have not read this whole thread. She wants a certain lifestyle- and she feels that DD should provide it. He's going to school and trying to be a better provider. Someone has to take care of all those kids for her to be able to stay home and him work. She can't make enough to afford a nanny- as most people cannot- so that choice comes to her. It's not like he's out having a big freaking time- playing pool or pursuing a hobby. He HAS to work, it's not that he's a workaholic- it's to put food in their mouths. And how does she repay him for this?? By screwing the neighbor who is home during the day! DD has been involved with those kids- she couldn't have done it completely alone. But she is paying a price for her lifestyle choices.
Author DesperateDad Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 Et tu, Brute? Just kidding. There seems to be pretty much of a concensus here. I'm not being proactive and my indecision will end up costing me my marriage if it hasn't already. In the back of my mind I've always thought I could be patient and just wait this out, that this, too, would pass. Maybe it will, but LadyJane was right earlier when she told me that my marriage was doomed as long as the OM is in our lives. I admit it: I'm terrified of what's going to happen. Losing my wife is bad enough, but I'm also afraid that I'm going to lose my kids, my house and everything I've worked for over the years. It's absolutely terrifying. I'm getting my ducks in a row and preparing to confront her again about the OM. That is the biggest issue right now, I think. I'm going to talk to my attorney first and ask him if there is any legal action I can take or threaten. It's funny how calm things are right now. I took the day off work and I'm sitting upstairs typing this while all of my kids are playing around the house and just being happy little kids. My wife and I had a nice morning chatting and hanging out as a family. The sun is out and it's a beautiful day. The calm before the storm.
Gunny376 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 "I admit it: I'm terrified of what's going to happen. Losing my wife is bad enough, but I'm also afraid that I'm going to lose my kids, my house and everything I've worked for over the years. It's absolutely terrifying" Women file 2/3rds to 3/4 of the divorce petitions ~ for the very s*** that you're going through ~ emotional abuse. Of those ~ women get custody of the children 90% of the time ~ primarly because men don't contest custody. But of the 10% of the time that men do contest custody ~ they get custdoy 90% of the time (I researched it and wrote a paper in college about it after I retired from the Corps) By the way in those cases where men get custody ~ 90% of the time ~ the mom's are deadbeats and DON'T pay a dime in child support.
Billy Bob Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I admit it: I'm terrified of what's going to happen. Losing my wife is bad enough, but I'm also afraid that I'm going to lose my kids, my house and everything I've worked for over the years. It's absolutely terrifying Thats your big disadvantage in dealing with your wife and thats why she has control of the situation and you don't. She has reached the point where she doesn't really care what happens, you still do. At some point you will have had enough and you really won't care what happens with the house or her. I guess your not at this point yet.. This is the point where your wife, if she cares anything at all for you and the relationship will start backpedaling, as this will be when you remove the safety net under her tightrope. In my opinion this is the point you need to get to in order to get resolution one way or the other.. otherwise your just trapped in this limbo hell trying to fix the unfixable, worrying about your choices.. Slap yourself and ask yourself what you are doing? Your wife has told you the marriage is over! She's having an affair with the man accross the street! She rubs it in your face! The only way you are going to fix this is "shock and awe"! cut that safety net and make her accountable for her actions. A marriage is a partnership, emotional and physical. Right now you don't have a marriage, your just sometimes friendly, cohabitating co-parents. The emotional bond (and probably physical?) is gone. Your obsessed with getting back what you had. You don't want to give up the house, the marriage, the life you built together... its understandable, but not realistic. Marriage takes two. Nothing will progress until you get to the point where your ready to give her and the house up and make yourself happy.
Billy Bob Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Losing my wife is bad enough Why do you feel that losing your wife is a such bad thing? Try and see it as a good thing, i.e. she doesn't respect you, she's having a relationship with another man, she's told you that it is over. Its apparent she does not "love" you as a spouse/lover anymore. I'd agree it would be bad to lose someone who truly loves you, but she's telling you its over. Don't waste your time on her anymore. Why would you want to be with someone who is not in-love with you and treats you like crap? Do you really want her back at this point? Or are you just scared of change? Do you know how many *cute* & *sexy* divorced/single women are out there looking for a stand-up superdad like yourself? Have you forgotten how it feels to have someone actually want to spend time and be with you and only you? Your clinging to the past.. It's funny how calm things are right now. I took the day off work and I'm sitting upstairs typing this while all of my kids are playing around the house and just being happy little kids. My wife and I had a nice morning chatting and hanging out as a family. The sun is out and it's a beautiful day. The calm before the storm. Please don't get lulled into a false sense of security. Yes, right now your wife is comfortable. She can have her cake and eat it too. She can have an affair with the other man and have you pleading for her love. She can have her family life with you when she wants, she has all the time in the world right now to figure out what she wants to do with the OM, she's living in her fantasy world, she has a provider paying the bills, taking care of the kids..she has a lover, stealing kisses and talking about their emotions together. The calm before the storm. Shock and Awe! Take back control. DD, your situation really touches a nerve with me, I see you going through a lot of what I went through. In my case it wasn't until I finally gave up and stopped trying to save the dream, stopped trying to rationalize the situation with my wife, stopped caring what my wife did and with who.. that I finally reached the point where I knew my life would get better from here. When you reach this point your wife will see that either she needs to make ammends or lose you for good. If you can comprehend what I am saying... you HAVE to reach this point. If this is what it takes for your wife to realize what she is losing and come back to you, or if this is your wake-up call that she really doesn't give a s*** about you and you can move forward without her.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Do you know how many divorced/single women are out there looking for a stand-up superdad like yourself? Have you forgotten how it feels to have someone actually want to spend time and be with you and only you? Please don't get lulled into a false sense of security. Yes, right now your wife is comfortable. She can have her cake and eat it too. She can have an affair with the other man and have you pleading for her love. She can have her family life with you when she wants, she has all the time in the world right now to figure out what she wants to do with the OM, she's living in her fantasy world, she has a provider paying the bills, taking care of the kids..she has a lover, stealing kisses and talking about their emotions together. Shock and Awe! Take back control. WOW!!! Great post!! Look at it this way DD- if you push her and she walks- you lose her yes, but in reality you've already lost part of her to the OM. So, really what are you risking here in drawing the line in the sand?? Is half of a marriage really what you want or whole?? I'd much rather be out with self respect than to be walked over like she's doing you. I don't always think divorce is necessary- take a clue from what Ladyjane did to her husband when she found out about his EA- if you haven't already. The issue here is that she's calling all the shots- and if you're okay with that, then cool. But yet apparently you aren't and you're living in limbo.
Billy Bob Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Just my opinion.. I'm sure there are some here who would tell you to keep playing mr. nice guy while your wife is making out (or getting pounded doggie style) by the guy next door and that your wife might see the effort your making and eventually decide that she can tolerate being married to you for a while longer until the next OM comes along. Sorry to be blunt. You caught her kissing this guy right? She refuses to stop hanging out with him? Do you honestly believe that you just happened to walk in on their first and only kiss? Do you honestly believe they haven't been screwing? Fact one: You caught them kissing Fact two: They have been hanging out together for a long time. Fact three: This OM is not getting any from his wife as they are going through divorce. Fact four: Your wife is not getting/wanting any from you (I'm assuming) Fact five: Your wife tells you your marriage is over. Fact six: Wife threatened to your face to screw the OM Fact seven: Wife doesn't want to scare the OM off.. I guess I could keep going, its obvious to me that she and the OM have discussed being together, probably after his divorce is finalized.. it might be a fantasy on both their parts.. but thats what they are planning. I'd be pretty positive they have been screwing, but your wife sure as hell isn't going to admit it to you. Your her safety net. If she's smart she has been squirling away some cash somewhere as well. Trust me, it isn't that hard, even in a housefull of kids, to both slip into a bathroom and lock the door for a quick 5 minute doggie style bang up against the mirror. Also, why exactly is the OM getting divorced? Did their special freindship start before or after he started divorce proceedings? Curious. Just wondering if maybe your wife was the OW that wrecked the OM's marriage. I think in one of your earlier posts you said his wife believed they were having an affair? Wake up and take your rose colored glasses off. You are being used. I know its hard to fathom how your past love and mother of your kids could do this to you...but she is, right in front of your face! She doesn't even try and hide it from you. OPEN YOUR EYES! Your wife has not been working with you at marriage counseling right? She has told you its over and she wants to be with the other man! she doesn't want to scare him away! WTF? Listen to what she's saying man! YOU HAVE BEEN A PUSSY FOR TOO LONG. SHOCK and AWE! Get back some respect and control for yourself. Watch her scramble for a change. Realize that the illusion of a happy marriage/home that your hanging onto is just that, an illusion. Things are going to have to change, whether that is selling the home, getting an apartment, divorce/ seperation, sharing custody of the kids, child support, alimony...but to just keep taking what she's dishing out is nuts. Be a man and get back some of your self-respect. Do not tolerate a loveless marriage or cheating spouse. Stop letting her be in control and walk all over you. Maybe it is remotely possible to reconcile with your wife (if you even really want that now).. but in my opinion that won't happen the way your doing it now. Tough love works.
Sup Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I don't know what her pychological profile is, but you could ask your lawyer about it. It may be used to prove that SHE is an unfit mother. It'll be HARD to prove considering that she didn't want to go in for a check up. It still makes me wonder why she didn't. Of course logical reasoning is shes messing with your mind. Go for sole custody if at ALL possible.
Author DesperateDad Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 Guys, thanks once again for all the support. I feel your anger and it's helped to fuel my own. I actually feel like you really care about me, too. Thanks. So, I did take your advice. I went to the doctor today and he chatted with me for a few minutes and then said I was just stressed and depressed and gave me a prescription for antidepressants. I've been there before and I'm not sure if I really want to do it now. Does anybody know if it will it hurt my chances of getting more custody? After the visit, I went home and went over some bills with my wife. I had noticed earlier how much she had been talking to him on the phone and I mentioned something about it. She, of course, couldn't deny she'd been talking to him, but I hadn't thought it had been that much. 8-10 calls at all hours of the day and also a number of texts. This started me getting angry. Then I asked her if she told him that she'd asked me for a divorce. She said 'yes' and I flipped out. I left the room and went right across the street (yelling all the way) and told him that he had destroyed my family and wrecked my marriage and that I wanted him to never speak to my wife or family again. He just sat there and hung his head while I lectured him. He barely had anything to say. I couldn't help but tell him how stupid it was and how we had been friends and he and my wife had f***ed everything up. Then I just turned and walked away. I have to admit I felt better after this. cta, I think I'm reaching that point. I told my wife afterward that I'm still open to reconciling and we can live in this house peacefully, but that is my one boundary. I'm thinking of filing immediately if she won't stay away from him. I'll talk to my attorney about that tomorrow. Did I do better this time? I'm just done with this s***. I'm devestated that she doesn't love me anymore, but I'm just about ready to throw in the towel on fixing things. If she won't stop sneaking around and talking to him, my feelings are going to fade fast. I'm smelling the coffee, I guess.
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Wow! Great post. BTW Lollie, my "pounding" post is not typical of my advice. Nevertheless, I do stand by my advice that the wife's stress level with the 6 tiny children is something that should be considered. And welcome to Loveshack! I am sure you will be an asset here. We have a wide variety of opinions and backgrounds. Thanks, I know I'm brutally honest, it's how I finally learned to live after getting nowhere by beating around, up over and under the bush too many times getting no results. Lollie72
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Guys, thanks once again for all the support. I feel your anger and it's helped to fuel my own. I actually feel like you really care about me, too. Thanks. So, I did take your advice. I went to the doctor today and he chatted with me for a few minutes and then said I was just stressed and depressed and gave me a prescription for antidepressants. I've been there before and I'm not sure if I really want to do it now. Does anybody know if it will it hurt my chances of getting more custody? After the visit, I went home and went over some bills with my wife. I had noticed earlier how much she had been talking to him on the phone and I mentioned something about it. She, of course, couldn't deny she'd been talking to him, but I hadn't thought it had been that much. 8-10 calls at all hours of the day and also a number of texts. This started me getting angry. Then I asked her if she told him that she'd asked me for a divorce. She said 'yes' and I flipped out. I left the room and went right across the street (yelling all the way) and told him that he had destroyed my family and wrecked my marriage and that I wanted him to never speak to my wife or family again. He just sat there and hung his head while I lectured him. He barely had anything to say. I couldn't help but tell him how stupid it was and how we had been friends and he and my wife had f***ed everything up. Then I just turned and walked away. I have to admit I felt better after this. cta, I think I'm reaching that point. I told my wife afterward that I'm still open to reconciling and we can live in this house peacefully, but that is my one boundary. I'm thinking of filing immediately if she won't stay away from him. I'll talk to my attorney about that tomorrow. Did I do better this time? I'm just done with this s***. I'm devestated that she doesn't love me anymore, but I'm just about ready to throw in the towel on fixing things. If she won't stop sneaking around and talking to him, my feelings are going to fade fast. I'm smelling the coffee, I guess. He's obviously been emotionally giving your wife what you've not. Start with flowers, don't expect anything AT ALL in return. Her love tank is on empty and the only person who's filling it at all is the guy who doesn't live under the same roof with her(which is your responsibility). When we did the experiement in college where a person pretend she's a dog and come into the room and we said only NO to her she freaked out because no matter what she did we said no, she had no idea what we WANTED from her. Please tell her yeses, she needs this. Tell her what she does right.
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Lollie, it would be better if you'd read my thread more closely before insulting me as being some sort of absentee father. I am very much a part of their lives and have always been. I have usually only been in school or teaching one or two nights a week and when I've been home, I am the one who bathes the children and puts them to bed. I'm usually the one to get up with them in the middle of the night and also the one who takes care of them in the morning on the weekends while their mother sleeps in (my choice to give her a break). I watch the children while my wife shops or goes out anywhere from one to four times a week lately. I've also taken care of all of the children (including just the youngest five) overnight on several occasions. I AM superdad. Your taking your inventory in the first few paragraphs, reread them yourself if you want to know why she's so unhappy.
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Just my opinion.. I'm sure there are some here who would tell you to keep playing mr. nice guy while your wife is making out (or getting pounded doggie style) by the guy next door and that your wife might see the effort your making and eventually decide that she can tolerate being married to you for a while longer until the next OM comes along. Sorry to be blunt. You caught her kissing this guy right? She refuses to stop hanging out with him? Do you honestly believe that you just happened to walk in on their first and only kiss? Do you honestly believe they haven't been screwing? Fact one: You caught them kissing Fact two: They have been hanging out together for a long time. Fact three: This OM is not getting any from his wife as they are going through divorce. Fact four: Your wife is not getting/wanting any from you (I'm assuming) Fact five: Your wife tells you your marriage is over. Fact six: Wife threatened to your face to screw the OM Fact seven: Wife doesn't want to scare the OM off.. I guess I could keep going, its obvious to me that she and the OM have discussed being together, probably after his divorce is finalized.. it might be a fantasy on both their parts.. but thats what they are planning. I'd be pretty positive they have been screwing, but your wife sure as hell isn't going to admit it to you. Your her safety net. If she's smart she has been squirling away some cash somewhere as well. Trust me, it isn't that hard, even in a housefull of kids, to both slip into a bathroom and lock the door for a quick 5 minute doggie style bang up against the mirror. Also, why exactly is the OM getting divorced? Did their special freindship start before or after he started divorce proceedings? Curious. Just wondering if maybe your wife was the OW that wrecked the OM's marriage. I think in one of your earlier posts you said his wife believed they were having an affair? Wake up and take your rose colored glasses off. You are being used. I know its hard to fathom how your past love and mother of your kids could do this to you...but she is, right in front of your face! She doesn't even try and hide it from you. OPEN YOUR EYES! Your wife has not been working with you at marriage counseling right? She has told you its over and she wants to be with the other man! she doesn't want to scare him away! WTF? Listen to what she's saying man! YOU HAVE BEEN A PUSSY FOR TOO LONG. SHOCK and AWE! Get back some respect and control for yourself. Watch her scramble for a change. Realize that the illusion of a happy marriage/home that your hanging onto is just that, an illusion. Things are going to have to change, whether that is selling the home, getting an apartment, divorce/ seperation, sharing custody of the kids, child support, alimony...but to just keep taking what she's dishing out is nuts. Be a man and get back some of your self-respect. Do not tolerate a loveless marriage or cheating spouse. Stop letting her be in control and walk all over you. Maybe it is remotely possible to reconcile with your wife (if you even really want that now).. but in my opinion that won't happen the way your doing it now. Tough love works. You yell and are not patient with you wife too, and she's running away because your venting anger on her about her instead of giong to a counseling group or to a private counselor? Look marriage is as simple as dogs, treat them well, don't yell, they won't run....find other means othe then to react directly and continually punish them for mistakes. Tolerate the mistakes to them and don't vent, and they will become less afraid of men's outbursts, your the big guy, she's the small woman. Think about it, if you yell it's like an elephant yelling at a mouse and the mouse will scurry away no matter if they will eventally feel guilty for some misdeed or not and apologize or not. They will run...
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