Another Love but not IN Love Story

[dgiirl]

Ok, i woke up with very little patience DD, I'm absolutely appalled and I cannot believe that she's expecting you to work 24/7 to support her princess ass. Sure, she has 6 kids, but you're not her slave. And you wont be any good if you have a heart attack because of stress. If she wants more money, she should be doing it herself. I know of a woman who goes into china town, buys baby clothes for real cheap, and then sells them on ebay. She makes a decent amount of cash. Your wife needs a hobby, and something she can use to bring in a little bit of cash. Set her up with a website or something that she can sell on.

 

And she resents YOU for making her work 1 day a week? Does she take any ownership in having 6 kids? I know this is not what you want to do, but she SOOO deserves for you to just walk out that door and let life slap her real hard in the face. She's in for a _rude_ (not life) awakening.

 

In therapy, I was told that when the same issues keep coming up over and over again, they're not the real problem. She's obviously upset and scared about something but I dont think it's the money. She's just using the money issue as a weapon to hurt you because she's been hurt herself. You have to try to figure out the real problem and address it. Hopefully therapy will help with this. When do you go?

[Ladyjane14]

Ok, i woke up with very little patience DD, I'm absolutely appalled and I cannot believe that she's expecting you to work 24/7 to support her princess ass.

 

 

:lmao: That was ME yesterday...short on patience. Nothing like spring cleaning to make a person feel like a Harry Potter style house-elf. It's hard to be sympathetic when you're all sweaty and covered with oven cleaner.

 

Anyway, I'm curious about what she's looking for in terms of "money to live on". Is this for the household budget or for setting up separation? 'Cause if you are just 'making it financially running one household....there's not much hope to run two separate ones.

 

When we initially started talking about our relationship a few weeks ago, she kept sending me all these little sayings about love, like 'true passion is as easy as breathing.' This was supposed to mean that it was too hard to love me. Who says life/love/relationships are supposed to be easy?

 

She's still living in a total fantasy world and totally denying it. I'm hoping counseling may splash a little cold water on her. It's tedious listening to all of this about her finally finding and being her 'true' self.

 

She's reading all these articles and hasn't discovered the difference between love and infatuation? What kind of junk is she reading?

 

You're right...this is fantasy. There seems to be alot of twisting and turning away from the truth of her actual situation. It seems like total escapism to me. I know she's resistant to getting a depression screening, but in observation, I've noticed that depressed people have a tendancy to search aimlessly for ways to feel better or to "escape" their situation. Unfortunately, even if you could get her to go to the doctor, you can't make her give honest answers to the doctor's questions. Maybe the counselor will have better luck with her.

 

It IS "tedious" to listen to all those rationalizations. So....why are you listening?

 

Everytime you let her hit the bullseye, you let her take a coin out of your love bank. You know fogtalk when you hear it. Let it go in one ear and out the other.

 

You might also try SoleMate's suggestion on "empathetic listening". That will reduce the size of the target, and increase the difficulty level for WW in hitting paydirt. It's no fun to agitate an unflappable person who is essentially AGREEING with you.

[DesperateDad]

I can't believe I'm getting all this great therapy for free! Thanks! I'm going to think about and work on the empathetic listening. That really makes a lot of sense not just in my marriage right now, but in my communications with others. I do tend to be a talker more than a listener and it's opened my eyes to really listen to people for a change.

 

I DO think she's depressed and maybe even a little bit bipolar even though she will deny it till the cows come home. She's bubbly one minute and then down in the dumps the next (this is when it feels like she's blaming it all on me). I think it's probably due to unresolved stresses that she's internalized rather than talking about. She doesn't trust anybody enough to talk about her true feelings, even the neighbor guy. I know for a fact she has lied to him about things.

 

That's another thing that bothers me: all the lies. She has the habit of telling 'little white lies' quite often to avoid conflict or to give things a little more positive appearance. They're usually not big lies, but still, what's the purpose of this? People don't expect her to be perfect, why does she think she has to be? She wonders why her parents don't trust her and I'm having a hard time with this myself.

 

Another thought on this whole 'real me' thing: It occurred to me that it isn't the 'real' person she is, but the person she wishes she could be. Let's see then, the 'real' ME is 6'2" and a bodybuilder, has perfect vision, multiple black belts, published novels and is a millionaire playboy. Why didn't I realize this sooner?

[DesperateDad]

Oh, we're going to counseling today for the first time ever. She seems really anxious about it, but claims that she knows exactly how it will go. I think she's still thinking all she has to do is come in and tell him she no longer loves me and he'll turn to me and tell me to just deal with it...

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh, we're going to counseling today for the first time ever. She seems really anxious about it, but claims that she knows exactly how it will go. I think she's still thinking all she has to do is come in and tell him she no longer loves me and he'll turn to me and tell me to just deal with it...

 

It might be beneficial for you to meet with the counselor alone for a few minutes. Tell him/her what's been going on with your wife, but that you do expect him/her to be impartial. Just say she's been having an affair, saying spirits are talking to her, etc. Make it clear to the counselor that you want to SAVE your marriage and that you expect him/her to help you to do that if at all possible.

 

Then, you can also give her time with the counselor alone as well.

 

I want to know like LJ what exactly is this "money to live on" stuff. Does she think you'll support her and the kids so that she can run around and live a fantasy single life with OM?? She needs a major reality check. Tell her hell no you will not do that. You'll provide for the kids but not for her- she must get her princess ass to work! (sorry, I'm impatient today too!)

 

Again, did you say how old your wife is?? This hearing spirits thing is really bothering me- and the fantasy illusions. Sounds like true mental illness.

[DesperateDad]

I suspect with the money question she was revealing some of her thoughts about how she wants her life to go in the future. She wants to see if I can support the lifestyle she wants to live.

 

It may be that she is actually considering staying with me or it could also be that she's looking for further information to prop up her resolve to split with me. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure she's still on the fence despite how certain she's trying to sound when she talks to me.

 

She's going to be 37 this week. I'm concerned about her mental state, too. She just doesn't seem right and hasn't for a couple of years. She still functions pretty well and takes good care of the kids, but some of the things she says just throw me for a loop sometimes.

 

I've noticed in the last year that not much gets done around the house when I'm not home. She seems burnt out on all the household stuff. I totally understand this, though. When I've had to watch the kids for more than a day, I get a lot done the first day, less the second, and practically nothing the third. That's why I try to do as much as I can when I'm home.

 

The counselor says he won't meet individually, at least in the beginning, so as to be able to maintain impartiality. I'm planning on letting my wife do as much talking as possible and voicing my concerns as delicately as I can. I want ALL of the weird stuff to come to light. I'm confidant he's going to see right through the fantasies immediately.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm planning on letting my wife do as much talking as possible and voicing my concerns as delicately as I can. I want ALL of the weird stuff to come to light.

 

Good plan. Let her do her own talking. The WS don't know they're fogged out, so even if she doesn't put it all out on the table today....eventually she will. In her mind, her rationalizations are reasonable thinking.

[Sup]

You may want to have her committed, I dunno, sounds all weird. I saw a TV program about different types of post-partum, you may definately want to get her checked out. You could call from work so she wouldn't overhear you, ask doctors some questions, and see if they can tell you ANYTHING, without bringing her in, which she WON'T go to. Check it out.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks for the tips. Counseling turned out to be kind of weird. He validated a lot of what each of us was saying. He said that if she didn't want to work on things, then there was no point in continuing unless we wanted 'divorce counseling' rather than 'marriage counseling.' He also recommended that my wife talk to a counselor on her own. This was after I expressed my concerns about her.

 

Things seemed to go okay during the session. There was no yelling or arguing, but things did get a little tense. The blow up came afterward.

 

When we got outside, she was furious with me for 'portraying her as crazy.' I said that I was genuinely concerned and that I hadn't said anything in there that I hadn't said to her face before. We ended up having a nasty argument for more than an hour before we calmed down.

 

We both got really angry and then I realized what I was doing and backed down. It hit me that she's been trying to tell me something with all this: accept my feelings and don't push me.

 

So, I went back to accepting everything she said about how she feels. I asked if we could just drop the past from our discussions for now and she agreed.

 

The only thing unresolved is the OM issue. She isn't talking to him nearly as much now and it's been sort of pushed to the side. She still knows that I don't want him around and that I see him as an enemy and a man with no integrity. She says she understands how I feel, but won't entirely give up that relationship right now.

 

It feels like we're at sort of a stalemate again, but maybe at a little bit better place. I've given some ground in Plan A style and told her that I accept how she's feeling and the fact that that may not ever change. This acceptance makes a big difference to her. I also told her how I feel about her, that I love her and still want us to stay together even though I know it might not happen and that I'm willing to talk reconciliation at any time now or in the future.

 

I told her that I wouldn't get the wrong idea if she's nice to me or shows me affection. I figure it's impossible for her to see me in a more positive light if she's trying so hard to be cold and distant. By getting rid of her need to be this way, I think the way she thinks about me can gradually change.

 

She said that if something is meant to be (with OM or somebody else), it will happen eventually anyway, so there's no rush to do anything here. I agreed, of course.

 

She even said she'd go back to the next counseling session if I would like. I'm not sure I want to do that right now, though. I still don't think she's ready for marriage counseling, but I'm not ready for divorce counseling. That would be an acknowledment that would definitely change the tone of things. But, I wonder if that could also serve as a reality check...

 

After this discussion and a little bit more by phone later, we are getting along a lot better. We've been friendly and even affectionate. Last night we were even intimate again. It was better this time than last. It's been an exhausting ride so far, but I've learned a lot.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't understand her at all! I seriously believe she's depressed and overwhelmed. I've been there! So, I know how it feels. But yet, here she is making love with her husband. What's that about? For me, when I had my fling, the last thing on my mind was having sex with my H! But I have read before that sometimes people take a renewed interest in sex during that.

 

Have you ever sent her away for a weekend without the kids? Where you stay home and she goes away for peace and quiet? Are you in the position to do that? If so, and you've never done that before, please do. Doesn't have to be somewhere expensive, but do make sure that OM can't be around!

[DesperateDad]

She actually HAS gone away for a night alone, twice in the last couple months. She was not with the OM for either and came back refreshed and cheerful. I try to give her a break any time I can, but we can't afford to go on too many trips right now.

 

She mentioned just recently that I should consider going away for a night myself. I don't think I'd want to do it at the present time, though. I'd much rather convince her to go away with me for a night or two and work on remembering what it was like when we were dating/first married...

[Mz. Pixie]

She actually HAS gone away for a night alone, twice in the last couple months. She was not with the OM for either and came back refreshed and cheerful. I try to give her a break any time I can, but we can't afford to go on too many trips right now.

 

She mentioned just recently that I should consider going away for a night myself. I don't think I'd want to do it at the present time, though. I'd much rather convince her to go away with me for a night or two and work on remembering what it was like when we were dating/first married...

 

That's a great idea DD. Don't go away yourself- that leave OM too much room to move. LOVE the weekend away idea!

[DesperateDad]

This is interesting: we just went to a doctor's appointment with our son (he had to get an EEG --another story) and things went really well. What she said, though, really stuck in my mind.

 

She said something about how maybe we were thinking too much about things and that maybe all the stuff we've talked about would never happen. I told her that I agreed, that we should just live day by day. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but it almost sounds like the ice is starting to break...

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks for the tips. Counseling turned out to be kind of weird. He validated a lot of what each of us was saying. He said that if she didn't want to work on things, then there was no point in continuing unless we wanted 'divorce counseling' rather than 'marriage counseling.' He also recommended that my wife talk to a counselor on her own. This was after I expressed my concerns about her.

 

Marriage counseling isn't terribly effective when there's an ongoing affair. The fact that your wife is emotionally invested in the neighbor guy keeps her from being emotionally invested in YOU.

 

The good thing though is that she's had a suggestion from an unbiased party that she should consider IC. The argument afterwards is just showing you that she's clinging to the belief that there's nothing wrong with her.

 

While you can't expect MC to really work under these conditions...maybe there's still some room for chipping away at her refusal to consider the possiblity that she's the one with the problem.

I think if it were me, I'd continue going to couples counseling.

 

She says she understands how I feel, but won't entirely give up that relationship right now.

 

Her attitude regarding the OM is a cancer on your marriage, and unless she does something to change her bad attitude...your marriage will NOT survive. IMHO, you're already doing everything possible to set up parameters that will allow her to choose success. But eventually, she's going to have to step up to the plate and choose it.

[Mz. Pixie]

True 'dat

 

The more she thinks about OM, and the more time she spends with him, the more those feelings grow.

 

That allows her to "rewrite" your marriage in her mind. All WS do that I think. That is what allows them to do what they do. You know, "Well, I haven't loved you in a long time" and "I love you but not IN love with you" They can convince themselves that their spouse doesn't love them and that they've never been good to them. That's what's wierd about the addiction of infidelity.......

[DesperateDad]

I think you're right that how she feels about him is a big factor in this whole business. It always seems to rear its ugly head sooner or later.

 

Everything else seems to be going better. We had a date last night for her birthday and I took her to a nice dinner and then surprised her by taking her bowling. We had a great time and didn't talk too much about our relationship. She brought it up a couple of times and apologized for how she was feeling and described how she wanted to be able to live. It had mostly to do with money, to be honest. That's been a huge factor in our stresses to date.

 

Today she had an appointment with her OB and he told her she was fine, but that her physical problems were most likely due to stress. This wasn't anything surprising to either of us.

 

The thing that bugged me today was that the babysitter canceled last night and she couldn't find anybody else but the neighbor guy to do it. She did tell me this morning that she had asked him, but didn't want me to be angry. So I didn't get angry, but calmly reiterated that I didn't want him around. She's convinced that I'm just jealous of this guy.

 

She got upset and said that this was what was ruining things for her, that is, me not letting her have whoever she wants for friends. She says she's given up a bunch of things that are important for her (like myspace, chatting, etc --which I never asked her to do, BTW) and that it's bugging her. This whole line is getting so tiresome.

 

She's still saying she's not sure how she feels about him now. I can accept this for being true. I know she's confused about a lot of things. She also says she's just numb about how she feels for everyone (except the kids) right now and that bad things seem to happen when she feels this way.

 

I don't know what this means. I don't get the feeling that anything has really changed, but I'm sure this can't go on like this for much longer. She confided in a female neighbor that she was considering divorce and that I was uncomfortable with her relationship with the neighbor guy. The female neighbor told her she understood my discomfort and that she thought we should try to work things out.

 

The stories are going to be spreading. Despite the fact that they may consider themselves 'just friends,' everyone around us is going to naturally suspect there's more to it and connect all the little details that they've noticed. They know that I had been friends with this guy and that there had to be a damn good reason for me to stop being friendly.

 

I think it's only a matter of time before things get really uncomfortable for this guy. I'm hoping he'll pull up stakes and move sooner rather than later.

 

I don't feel like I can lay down the law right now, either. Yeah, I know some people will think I'm wussing out, but I feel like the gains I've made are so tenuous that I have to tread very lightly.

 

Anytime this guy comes up in conversation is a potential love buster for both of us. I wish he would just give up and move the f*ck out of my life. I'm frustrated, but hanging in there. I DO wish I could be more assertive about this.

[tallbrunettmom]

The problem is; like a woman who finds out hubby is having an affair and blames the other woman...you are blaming him. Even if he goes away do you believe that the problems will suddenly subside and all will be happy and well. You'll have a lot to deal with either way. Will you ever get over this and be able to move on with your wife? I see a little fear in what you write. You seem scared of the unknown instead of being afraid of what staying in this relationship might do to you as an idividual. You should maybe focus a little more on yourself. Decide whether you can be happy alone instead of basing everything on this guy going away and your wife returning to you. I'm not saying definately leave her...but just make sure it's what you really want and make sure you are thinking about yourself and your happiness. I know it's hard. Hang in there, everything happens for a reason.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, this guy was his friend, which makes it that much worse. The guy does need to stay the hell out of his marriage. But, the ultimate problem is his wife and her reaction to the guy.

 

So, this guy babysat while you guys went to dinner??

 

How is exactly that she wants to live?? I guess I just don't understand. It's impossible for her to work and make enough money to pay daycare for all the kids. You're working hard and doing the best you can. Nothing says that when they are in school she can't go to work. It's amazing to me that she thinks she can sit over on her ass and do nothing but still make demands about how she'd like to live.

 

I understand wanting to pay your bills, but this is apparently above that. It sounds to me like she wants to live out her single years that she missed. Spend money and do things like myspace and stuff. My husband is a teacher and I just can't imagine pressuring him to get a corporate job which he could easily do because he's very smart. He's meant to be a teacher and he's changing some kids lives for the better. Who can put a price on that??

 

I've just never been material like that. I want to have enough to get by and perhaps take a vacation every now and then, but I don't have to be rich.

What it is exactly that she'd like to spend money on??

 

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she sits there complaining about how she'd like to live- when it's fantasy- she can't live like that. There's not enough money and even if you took another job then she'd be complaining about the fact that shes with the kids all the time. Doesn't she know it hurts you to think you're not providing for her what she wants??

[Ladyjane14]

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she sits there complaining about how she'd like to live- when it's fantasy- she can't live like that. There's not enough money and even if you took another job then she'd be complaining about the fact that shes with the kids all the time. Doesn't she know it hurts you to think you're not providing for her what she wants??

 

This is why I keep thinking that this lady has some depression going on. Because otherwise....she just doesn't make any sense.

 

Back when my husband was depressed, it seemed to me that he had lost his mind. It felt like I was dealing with a lunatic who couldn't see reason. Unfortunately, he wasn't willing to look at his behavior from my point of view until I became nontolerant. It wasn't until he realized it was 'GAME OVER' that he was willing to reexamine his thought process.

 

With any luck, Desperate Dad's situation won't come to that. But I do think he needs to be prepared just in case.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks again for the support everyone. I know I've been thinking too much about the OM, but the problem is that he lives directly across the street and his kids are over at my house constantly.

 

It bugs me to no end that he thought it was okay to keep giving things to my wife for so long. He would bring home all of these nice things from his job that were going to be thrown out and then give them to my wife. She says these things were for 'us,' but I still see it as gifts to HER.

 

We had a good weekend for the most part after a little rocky Friday evening. I got thinking about things and it really started to piss me off because I really don't think I deserve this treatment. I know I wasn't the model husband, but I don't think I was a total piece of s*** entirely.

 

Really, right and wrong, past events, etc. don't mean much right now. I know she's still holding on to some things I said, but I'm not going to expend the effort in holding a grudge against her.

 

I don't know if our marriage will survive and I don't know how long I'm willing to live with things as they are. Right now, as long as we avoid fights, things are pretty good and getting better.

 

I've asked her that we don't talk about our relationship for a while so that we don't fight about it. She agreed, but seemed to still want to be able to talk about it. I really don't want to talk about things right now, though. I just want to live my life and work on my own stuff.

 

At the same time, I've told her that I'm going to be treating her better because she deserves it and because it's the right thing to do. I'm also going to work on financial stuff and my career so that I DO have more options as time goes by.

 

As far as the counseling goes, I'm cancelling our next session and we probably won't go back, at least for now. I didn't find it too helpful and it seemed to cause more problems than it helped. The counselor seemed to be pretty much by the book and seemed ready to give up on our marriage just like that. I think I can do better than that by my damn self.

 

She's very stubborn and any time she feels like she's being criticized she gets pissed off and won't back off an inch. She absolutely HATES being wrong. It's something she really hates about the rest of her family (who are very shallow and judgmental), but comes out in her sometimes, too. I get so tired of walking on eggshells, but the good has generally outweighed the bad until lately.

 

I just can't live every day of my life obsessing about this stuff. If she ultimately decides she can't stand to be with me anymore, so be it. I'm going to do just great and I know I can pretty much have my pick of women.

 

Oh, and Mz. P: he was watching the kids while she went to the OB. I'm not having any contact with him at all.

[Gunny376]

http://www.lightyourfire.com/

[Ladyjane14]

I noticed on another thread where you said you'd had a consult with an attorney. How'd that go for you?

[DesperateDad]

Thanks for everyone's input. Things are still going fairly well. We have a peaceful house and we're not arguing about anything.

 

It's funny, but I think the whole neighborhood thing is really starting to degenerate, just like Ladyjane was saying. My wife has called me to vent about goings on at the bus stop in the mornings a lot lately. There are couples who won't stop fighting in front of everyone, spoiled children having tantrums in front of permissive and passive/aggressive parents and general discord that's straining the friendly nature of our neighborhood.

 

I can't say I'm surprised. I knew things would come to an end, but the people we seem to have the most contact with are the ones having the most trouble. Their problems are spilling out all over the place in public. We don't seem to have any problems with those who maintain a bit more distance.

 

Despite it being fun to always have people to hang out with, too much familiarity just gets you into trouble. I can totally see that now and I think my wife is starting to think the same thing. We've gotten embroiled in other people's issues and ignored taking care of our own.

 

As far as my relationship goes, we've been getting along fine since Friday. I'm content for now to be in a stable, peaceful place where we are pretty friendly if not really intimate. Yes, I definitely want more intimacy in my relationship and I absolutely want security with my married partner, but the status quo isn't too bad for now. It won't go on indefinitely.

 

As for the future, I still can see things going either way even though they seem to be inclining toward reconciliation right now. I'm finding that I'm becoming more open to other possibilities as time goes by. I'm not giving up, but I do think about what I've been missing...

[DesperateDad]

Hi LJ, it went fairly well. I just had a phone conversation with him and he said things weren't as cut and dried as a lot of people think. The gist of it was that each situation was different and that judges were usually pretty reasonable about custody and other matters as long as you are truthful and up front about it all.

 

It helped to assuage my fears about things and he totally agreed about it being more expensive than my wife was thinking and that we wouldn't be able to keep the house. He DID agree that we should try to work things out, but that I could call him any time if I had any questions.

 

I asked about opening a separate account and he said it was fine as long as I didn't try to hide it from the courts. I haven't done it yet, but I'm still considering it. We've had a lot going on the last few weekends and haven't been able to sit down and go over money yet, but I need to do it soon. We're still talking about all the major financial decisions, but I worry most about all the smaller day to day expenditures which are eating up our reserves.

 

As far as documenting things that are going on, he said I could if I wanted to try to prove that she was crazy, but that it wasn't really necessary unless I wanted to make a big deal out of it or go for full custody. Right now, all the weird stuff has stopped. I think it might have something to do with the fact that my wife's stress levels are a bit lower because money troubles are less of an issue (for now) and I've stopped adding to her problems.

 

Also, after I mentioned the mystic stuff in our counseling session, she told me that she was not at all sure about any of that and that she had her own doubts. Is it possible that she hates my criticism so much that she just gets mad when I question things rather than because she really believes it?

 

The important thing is that my family has a stable home and it's not a daily battleground. I'm not satisfied with things as they are, but I have to work on my own stuff for a bit before I can make any further decisions.

[Ladyjane14]

As for the future, I still can see things going either way even though they seem to be inclining toward reconciliation right now. I'm finding that I'm becoming more open to other possibilities as time goes by. I'm not giving up, but I do think about what I've been missing...

 

Well it seems that the firestorm is under control now. The flames aren't burning indescrimately anymore....but the embers are still there just waiting to flare back up again.

 

This is a dangerous time in terms of reconciliation. Once the initial adrenaline wears off... you might start feeling the pain in a different way. In the beginning, there's a sense of panic. You're trying your best to just keep things together and you're tolerating ALOT of really bad behavior from your WS. It's easy to get side-tracked by the immediacy of the problem, and while you know in your mind that the resentments are piling up, there seems no help for it so you defer it for another day. Then...that day arrives.

 

You know, in my own situation, the crisis was over fairly quickly. In the days that followed our decision to repair the marriage, there were times when I was suddenly stricken with memories of things my husband had said to me previously. Fogtalk. I had kind of recognized it for what it was at the time and dismissed it, but unbeknownst to me.... it had found it's mark. The wounds were still bleeding.

 

I think the biggest indicator of harboring resentment was that EVERY time some little thing happened that put me out of sorts, my first impulse was to question my decision to stay in the marriage. That sounds mild. In actuality it was more like, "WTF!!! I WAS OUTTA HERE. WHY DID I TAKE HIM BACK??? WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS TO PUT ME THROUGH ALL THAT? WHY AM I SO STUPID TO BELIEVE HE'S CHANGED?" etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

 

I had a running conversation going on inside my mind. One part of me raging against staying, and the other part desperately trying to calm the first part down. Emotion vs. Logic. For a long while, I had to remind myself DAILY that I had made a conscious choice to forgive lest I reneg on that promise.

 

You are in a more difficult position than I was. Your WS is still deep in the fog and unrepentant. I imagine that you're filled to the brim with doubt right about now.

 

You're the only one who can decide if it's worth staying in or not. You're the 'man on the ground' afterall. I can tell you that it gets better though. There's a really crummy period of time when it's difficult to adjust to normalcy again. After that, the lessons in marriage building and meeting ENs become second nature. You can't unlearn that. So your awareness of your partner stays with you. Occasional bumps in the road resolve themselves quicker, and because needs aren't going unmet, 'Resentment' stops accumulating.

 

I was able to unload quite a bit of resentment in the realization that my husband was NOT himself at the time. His behavior was CRAZY in comparison to his natural personality. On D-Day I assumed that I hadn't really known him at all, and it was a scary experience to think I had been living for all these years with a guy I hadn't really known. But that wasn't entirely true. Sure, there was an aspect of his personality that reacted to extreme stress in a way that hadn't been predictable for me. But that's all it was. It's kind of like dealing with a sick person. They might vomit all over you.... but it wasn't about you, it was about the illness that was making them sick.

 

That's not always the case, mind you. Some folks aren't so lucky. The flipside to a person who's acting out of character while under extreme stress...is the person who's finally unveiling his/her true self. There are some folks who are just self-centered and narcissistic in their tendancies. So at the end of the day, there's no 'one-size-fits-all'. But I think that because your wife IS under alot of pressure, it's possible that this has been an aberation to an otherwise good character. You'd know better than I if that's true or not.