Another Love but not IN Love Story

[dgiirl]

The good thing about divorce (or near divorce) experience, it tends to put things into perspective. And you also get a chance to start all over and change the things that you dont like about your life. You dont get these chances very often, and most people dont take it when they do, but I know that line of thinking saved me many times through this experience. You need that hope. You need to put things into action (which I've been lacking lately) to make a better life for yourself.

[Mz. Pixie]

[quote=Gunny376;841715

And here I thought I was just weird in thinking, "Yea! So! You're going to end up in a 3'X6'X6' hole in the ground just like me ~ if we're lucky!"

 

Find a cure for AIDS, cancer, end war and hunger ~ that I might be impressed with.

 

Help me bury a body ~ that might be impressive ~ bring a pickup, shovel, and a flashlight ~ that would be very impressive ~ indeed!

 

Yeah, exactly. The thing about some celebs- money doesn't change THEM, but it changes the people around them. Unbelievable but true. This guy has stayed the same- despite the fact that his parents and friends haven't. Bunch of vultures. He runs the vacuum and does laundry.

 

It's funny- he's had women CRY over seeing him in person. WTF is up with that?? :lmao: He doesn't get it either. I think to myself gee- they would really freak out if they saw him all the time, had been a guest in his home and got a big kiss everytime he saw them!

 

The thing about people like that?? They want you to treat them normal. They respect you when you do. They roll their eyes at you behind your back when you fawn all over them.

 

I am much more appreciative and in awe of people that have actually done something in life more than get lucky because they could act or sing.

[Billy Bob]

The good thing about divorce (or near divorce) experience, it tends to put things into perspective.

 

I agree 100%! In my case couple a near divorce experience, with a near death experience (cancer) all in 6 months and it completely flip flops your entire life and way of thinking.

 

I hope all of you have a great 4th of July holiday, be thankfull that we live in such a great country that affords us the freedom of second chances.

 

DD, kick back, have a beer and enjoy the fireworks with your kids and remember that someday in the near future your life will be stabilized and you will be happy again. We really are pulling for you and hope things work out for the best.

[DesperateDad]

I agree 100%! In my case couple a near divorce experience, with a near death experience (cancer) all in 6 months and it completely flip flops your entire life and way of thinking.

 

I hope all of you have a great 4th of July holiday, be thankfull that we live in such a great country that affords us the freedom of second chances.

 

DD, kick back, have a beer and enjoy the fireworks with your kids and remember that someday in the near future your life will be stabilized and you will be happy again. We really are pulling for you and hope things work out for the best.

 

Thanks, cta! I have the same hopes for you and everyone else on this board. Here's to everything we DO have. I know it's not Thanksgiving yet, but I'm thankful for my family and all the chances I've been given in life and yes, this great country. Have a great holiday weekend all of you!

[Billy Bob]

Thought you'd get a kick out of this list. When I was having my troubles I noticed #3, #6, #13, #15, #16, #19, #21, #23, #27, #34, #36, #37, #38, #40, #41, #43, #44 & #46.

 

46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair

By Dr. Robert Huizenga

Some of these are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear when someone is having an affair.

1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy.

2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)

3) He stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.

5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.

6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.

7) She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know.

8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.

9) He carries condoms, and you are on the pill.

10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.

12) He becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.

13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"

14) He buys himself new underwear.

15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.

16) She stops wearing her wedding ring.

17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.

21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.

22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.

23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.

24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days.

25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.

26) Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.

27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.

29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and had to eat the dinner I prepared when he got home.

30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.

31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband's shirt.

32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.

33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.

34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy" and easily moved to anger.

35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.

36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.

37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.

38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.

39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.

40) She has a "glow" about her.

41) Atypical erratic behavior.

42) He sneaks out of the house.

43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed

44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.

45) He tells you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.

46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.

 

#43 was the one that really pissed me off.. It was like she was guarding the holy grail.

[Gunny376]

Got the picture book, the poster, the T-shirt, the coffee cup, the beer mug, and the feaking key chain.

 

What gets me about being the man that was cheated on by the wife, (and I've noticed this on cheaters and some of the talk shows ~ as well as have seen an article or two on the internet ~ is that when a man gets caught cheating ~ they're generally at least own up to it, admitt that they got caught, admitt that they were wrong to have done it ~ should have been man enough to have broken up with them first, ~ filed for a divroce first etc.

 

When women get caught ~ they get PO! And, if anything they try to convice the man that its his fault! WTF?

 

Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back on it all ~ I can see where I could have, should have, ought to have. And, I see where I could have been a better husband, lover, father ~ but Hell its that what they call Life? What? We're suppose to get married ~ and all of a sudden we're prefect and all knowing?

 

Work life is different for men ~ than it is for women ~ Hell Reality is different. Especially if your in the military, or law enforcement, (CC, llmw, me.......................hmmm is their a picture being framed here.)

 

I still re-call the argument the XW and I had, the day I scrapped what was left of some kid off the wall of a gernade parapet, and the XW got PO'd because I didn't have much of an appettite, and was non-communicative. I was being in-sensitive and un-caring, but she didn't once voice any concern about the bandage I had from the ruptured eardrum (concussion), the blood, the subsequent surgeries. Working 60 ( a good week) to 80 hour weeks, with a ruptured ear drum, and being told I was a "workaholic" and "clumsy"

 

I tell you these things ~ not to seek you sympathy ~ I've learned long ago and far away ~ that if your seeking sympathy, (other than here ~ just in the general day to day relationships with so-called "friends and family" that you will generally find it in the dictionary somewhere between the words "s***" and "slyphiss"

 

Daddy said it right "Once your parents are gone ~ you're pretty much own your own!" Your children grow up, get married ~ and are too busy trying to hold it together. They've got their hands full, with their own spouses and their own children, their own jobs. In of and as a general rule, "step- anything is worthless to you. Just the way it is. There are exceptions ~ true. But a "step" family isn't a real family. Just my experience on both sides of the issue.

 

Daddy was married to my step-mom for 32 years. He passed 3 years ago. All that time, I was just like a son to her ~ I've not heard from her since we've put him in the ground.

 

Nor, my so called step-brothers. I wouldn't expect them to take a pee on my heart, should it catch on fire.

 

Bitter? No! Wiser! You can bet your boots, saddle, horse, rifle, side-arm, briddle, horse blanket, dog, and the whole ranch I am.

 

Some of what I post here, would seem to some that I'm advocating playing games ~ I'm not! I've studied, still studying human pyschology. Still finding out what works and what doesn't work. Me? I'm a freshman at best!

 

To CC ~ your wife is going through a MLC ~ maybe menopause ~ ride that bitch of a pony to the ground ~ and then saddle up and ride her ( a methophor ~ not your wife) to the ground. Its tough, its hard, its all day hard! It ain't pretty ~ and it ain't fun ~ but in the end ~ it will be worth it.

 

To DD ~ The same! I know you love her man, but in the end of it all ~ I'd be like ~ divorce HELL! You're going to stay around and help raise these six children!! Either way you go ~ you're screwed! So screw it! You've got to put the children before yourself, (shut up CTA). The OM isn't the man you are. I promise you.

 

To UK ~ I agree ~ your therapist is right! The wife just can't cope! Give her time and space to re-group ~ and she'll come back around.

[Mz. Pixie]

What gets me about being the man that was cheated on by the wife, (and I've noticed this on cheaters and some of the talk shows ~ as well as have seen an article or two on the internet ~ is that when a man gets caught cheating ~ they're generally at least own up to it, admitt that they got caught, admitt that they were wrong to have done it ~ should have been man enough to have broken up with them first, ~ filed for a divroce first etc.

 

When women get caught ~ they get PO! And, if anything they try to convice the man that its his fault! WTF?

 

Work life is different for men ~ than it is for women ~ Hell Reality is different. Especially if your in the military, or law enforcement, (CC, llmw, me.......................hmmm is their a picture being framed here.)

 

I still re-call the argument the XW and I had, the day I scrapped what was left of some kid off the wall of a gernade parapet, and the XW got PO'd because I didn't have much of an appettite, and was non-communicative. I was being in-sensitive and un-caring, but she didn't once voice any concern about the bandage I had from the ruptured eardrum (concussion), the blood, the subsequent surgeries. Working 60 ( a good week) to 80 hour weeks, with a ruptured ear drum, and being told I was a "workaholic" and "clumsy"

 

 

 

Okay- I love ya Gunny- but you're wrong about this. Most men do not confess either. All cheaters follow the same script. Some of them eventually confess yeah, but most of them are caught. And men are much more likely to blame their affairs on sexual things "You got fat" "You didn't ever want to give me BJ's so I found someone who would" "You put the kids before me" that kind of thing. So, yeah, they do blame the wife- I promise ya- just they say different things.

 

Secondly, work is not different for women all of the time. Sure, for you it was different or the wife of a firefighter or police officer but ya know some women do those jobs too! If you're a SAHM yeah, that's okay but I work- and my job is WAYYYYYY more stressful than being a teacher and coach (what my hubby does).

 

Most men are defined by what they do for a living and providing for their families. Women define themselves by what kind of mother and wife they are- at least in my experience.

 

I cannot imagine sitting there and bitching about food when my husband had just been through that. Gunny, do you have PTSD from all of the things you've seen?? Your wife was just a NUT. My husband had a headache the other night and I scratched his head for two hours because it made him feel better. I get up in the middle of the night when he's tired from his other job and fix him food- draw him a bath if he needs it. I do all of that, because he does the same kind of things for me if I need it.

 

Going through that and having to continue?? My mom burst her eardrums all the time and had to have them repaired all the time- very bad stuff.

 

I was married to my exhusband for 13 years- we dated for five. I was extremely close to his family. When we separated they told me they loved me and wasn't going to take sides- that lasted about two days. I expected them to defend their son. Yet, I'm the mother of their grandchildren and they wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire. All of my family here are dead- except for my half brother- who could be-because he is a homeless drug addict. Oh sure, his parents will make a big show at church introducing themselves to my husband- but that was only because we were at church and they wanted to look like the big Christians! At other things they have ignored me. I purchased my exhusband father's day gifts from the kids- and he point blank called me and told me that he wasn't going to do that for me.

 

I'm a kick ass mother- everyone that knows me says I am. No matter what transpired between us- I have still been a great mom to those kids and he can't even respect me for that much. What they are up to this point is my doing because he stayed gone all the damn time hunting and fishing and leaving them up to me. But yet, his parents have forgotten all of that- how I took them to church, etc. How they said, "They kids would never come to church if you didn't bring them"

 

The upside to all of this is I have a wonderful supportive husband now- who GETS it. I also have wonderful inlaws who spoil me rotten and my kids rotten. I don't need a damn thing from my ex. But it still hurts that he wouldn't even say Happy Mothers Day to me.

 

DD- I'm telling ya- your wife has no clue what divorce is going to be like. What is she going to think about some other woman kissing her kids boo boos one day if you remarry?? See, I didn't think all of that kind of stuff out. Knew I didn't want to be married to my ex- but I didn't understand that yeah, one day they'd have a stepmom! She needs a major dose of reality. If I lived near you I'd pay her a visit and fill her in!

[Billy Bob]

Whats up DD? Any progress over the holiday/weekend? Didn't shoot any fireworks at the OM did you?

[DesperateDad]

Whats up DD? Any progress over the holiday/weekend? Didn't shoot any fireworks at the OM did you?

 

LOL. We had a pretty good time. I didn't really spend a whole lot of time with my wife, mostly just hung out with the kids. It was actually pretty relaxing for the most part.

 

We're still at a sort of stalemate point. We've had a couple of decent talks lately that have been more honest than in a while. I'm having a hard time being pleasant and happy all the time, though. There are a lot of things about my wife that I've been able to put up with because of how she felt about me. Now, I'm rethinking some of those things...

 

I also just finished up the last class for my bachelors after so many years of night school and now I'm wondering what to do next. I really need to make some changes in my life. I need to find another job before I hang myself in my cubicle. I know it's not the best time to make big changes, but maybe it IS a good time...

[Billy Bob]

Congrats DD! What did you get your Bachelor degree in?

[Lollie72]

My spouse admitted to his paying for internet porn when we were broke(and using it for many hours at a time) thing. However he's till about to be my x, the lying was in other areas of life, or maybe he did cheat too. Who knows with him. My new BF is the guy that got cheated on and cheated on, and like the nice guy that finishes last.....

[DesperateDad]

Congrats DD! What did you get your Bachelor degree in?

 

English! Not quite sure what I'm going to do with it, but does it really matter anymore? Employers seem to care more about you just having that piece of paper plus some sort of relevant experience. That is, unless they're looking for someone with specific technical knowledge. Then, of course, it's got to be engineering or comp sci or whatever...

[Billy Bob]

Yep, the piece of paper is all that matters for most jobs.. How is it going DD? The OM still in the picture? Hope your doing allright.

[Mz. Pixie]

DD- I sure hope you check in soon and let us know how you are!

[DesperateDad]

Hi Mz. P and cta (and others!). Sorry about being out of communication so long. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what I'm doing with my life.

 

I've had sort of an epiphany, you could say, or maybe I've just reached that point that cta always talks about. I've accepted that my marriage is essentially over. I'm sad that the kids will have to go through this, but I'm just fed up with everything that's happened.

 

I realized that I've never felt the same way about my wife as she's felt about me. It's been in the back of my mind for a long time. All that's happened has made me wake up to the fact that I DON'T have to settle. I can have someone who respects me and herself.

 

I guess I'm tired of the games and I want to get on with my life, too. Right now, we're still living mostly the way we always have except for any sort of real affection between us. I've also told her she needs to come up with some sort of income if she wants to be independent.

 

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be a good father to my children, but I want more out of life than what I'm getting now. This has gone on for 3 months now and shows no signs of changing. The only thing that seems to have changed is my attitude. I don't really give a sh*t anymore. I just had another birthday (36 -yeah!) and I don't want to stay in this situation until I'm 40 or older.

 

In fact, I'm looking forward to having some freedom in my life. I don't need or want a woman around who doesn't want to be with me. I've proven that I don't need her to take care of me or prop up my ego.

 

The other night she was showing me some pictures of the kids on her computer and she had left her email open. There was a message from the OM on there with the subject: MISS YOU. How f-ing pathetic is that? The funny thing is that it just disgusted me. It struck me that this guy is just a pathetic POS who really needs to get his sh*t together and move on with his life.

 

I wasn't jealous, but just angry that I have to be in the middle of this stuff for now. She's still protesting that they are just friends and all, but, come on, what kind of a guy sends an email like that to his 'friend?'

 

We did have a nasty little blow up the other day, though. It was all my fault, but I was just past caring. She was asking me again why I was so angry with the neighbor and I blew up. If she doesn't get why I'm upset then she is mentally impaired.

 

She asked me again if I would ever be cool with the two of them and I said no, you both betrayed me. I have no obligation at all to forgive him or trust him again. Why should I trust people who piss down my neck and tell me it's raining?

 

She's still staying away from him as far as I can tell, but she doesn't understand why they can't be neighborly. I'm laughing my ass off! Just like a couple of lovestruck teenagers. Totally pathetic.

 

So, yeah, I'm in a different stage of things now. I've still got a lot of anger below the surface, but I don't feel like my whole world is collapsing anymore. On the contrary, I'm thinking more about all the opportunity that's out there waiting for me. I've felt held back for a long time, not by having to support my family, but by having to live up to her expectations and do what she and everyone else expected me to. Keeping up with the Joneses sucks!

 

Now, I just want to move on with my life. She can pursue her own train wreck if she wants to. I just don't want me or my kids involved in it.

[Mz. Pixie]

I realized that I've never felt the same way about my wife as she's felt about me. It's been in the back of my mind for a long time. All that's happened has made me wake up to the fact that I DON'T have to settle. I can have someone who respects me and herself.

 

 

Okay, I'm curious.

 

You've said this before.

 

What exactly does that mean? You've never felt the same way??

Can you elaborate?

[Ladyjane14]

I don't need or want a woman around who doesn't want to be with me.

 

I understand that. I don't have a whole lot of 'bare to the bone' ENs for my husband to deal with, but I do need for him to be where he wants to be when he's with me.

 

I want you to bear in mind though, before you make any rash decisions that there's NO HEALING until the contact between your WW and the OM completely stops. As long as they are in contact, the affair is receiving fuel... and you are still dealing with a fogged out individual.

 

Seriously, how "foggy" is it when you tell your husband that you're "in love" with the neighbor guy... and then you can't understand why 'friendship' might be a deal-breaker in your marriage???

 

There's just no way for you to make headway until she's out of the fog and able to think clearly.

 

What's your progress on preparations for Plan B, btw?

[DesperateDad]

I mean that she was absolutely crazy about me then (she stills says this) and I was pretty lukewarm about her. We were great friends, but I could never say I was head over heels for her. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel. She felt safe to me and we had fun together.

 

I met her at a time in my life when my longest my serious relationship had ended badly and really screwed me up. I hadn't had a serious relationship since then (a couple of years) and I'd only had a couple of dates in that time. On top of that, my best friend screwed me out of about $2k and I was bitter about that, too.

 

I hated my job and hated my life and she made me feel better. I was so out of it that I was desperately looking for a lifeline. She was there for me. The right place and the right time, but the wrong reasons.

 

I was desperate and pathetic and just went with what was easiest at the time, despite my own misgivings. That's what I'm talking about.

 

I've lived most of my life so far just doing what was expected of me. I've been letting most things just happen instead of taking charge of things. I realize now that I settled for her because it was the easiest thing and because she took care of me.

 

I know this makes me sound like a real prick, but I think it's the most honest I've been with myself for a long time. I could make things work if she wanted to, because I do love her, but not enough to keep trying if she doesn't want to. Does this make any sense?

[ilmw]

Hi DD,

 

I have been reading your posts for some time now.. well since I have been on LS.. I never felt in a position to give advise...because of my own loss of self.. and unhappiness... Our stories are different...but the our feeling of loss... well you know.

 

I feel now stronger... so I feel I can give my 2 cents...

 

What you said does make sense... I think this is possibly why there are so many divorces out there.... People don't try hard enough... to make it work... patience is a virtue and I have found with many people... they want immediate gratification.... they don't get....(NEXT)!!

 

Now in my own postion....I won't wait forever.... but I am in no hurry to find someone else.... H*ll when me and m DW got together.... I was damn happy being single. But I fell in love with a fantastic woman... unlike any I had ever known...

 

I guess what I am saying is... If your love is strong enough you can wait for a little longer... if it is not... you will know... because... it will fade fast...

 

I hope things work out for you....

 

ilmw

[DesperateDad]

I understand that. I don't have a whole lot of 'bare to the bone' ENs for my husband to deal with, but I do need for him to be where he wants to be when he's with me.

 

I want you to bear in mind though, before you make any rash decisions that there's NO HEALING until the contact between your WW and the OM completely stops. As long as they are in contact, the affair is receiving fuel... and you are still dealing with a fogged out individual.

 

Seriously, how "foggy" is it when you tell your husband that you're "in love" with the neighbor guy... and then you can't understand why 'friendship' might be a deal-breaker in your marriage???

 

There's just no way for you to make headway until she's out of the fog and able to think clearly.

 

What's your progress on preparations for Plan B, btw?

 

Hi LJ. A lot's changed for me in the last few weeks. As you can see from my updates today, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm doing. I'm not sure anymore that we can make this work or that I even want to. If she does an about face then we can talk about it, but in the past few weeks I've just lost my desire to try anymore. She's definitely still in a fog, though.

[dgiirl]

DD, I commend you for being honest. It takes a lot of courage to do that.

 

However, I do have a few thoughts that came to mind after reading what you wrote, and I might be totally offbase, but maybe your wife subconsciously has picked up on your feelings towards her. And I'm sure that has played an important part in her own self esteem. I know my husband's feelings affected me, without me even realizing it. Now she has a new guy interested in her. She's getting all those ga ga giddy feelings she probably never got from you, and it's hard to let that go. On top of that, she NOW has your attention, probably more attention than you've ever given her in the past? I think you really need to evaluate why you want to keep your marriage? Is it because you fear change? Fear being alone? Because you feel guilty? Or do you really LOVE your wife? Or is your own ego getting in the way because she's the one to leave? (I've had a very hard time with this one. Damn ego lol) Too often we try to hold onto things that we really should just let go. But if you cannot provide those feelings towards your wife, then you both are better off to just let go. Have you ever talked to your wife about how you felt in the past and how you feel now? It might make a difference if your feelings have changed since then, and you tell her how much she means to you now.

[Ladyjane14]

I mean that she was absolutely crazy about me then (she stills says this) and I was pretty lukewarm about her. We were great friends, but I could never say I was head over heels for her. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel. She felt safe to me and we had fun together.

 

I met her at a time in my life when my longest my serious relationship had ended badly and really screwed me up. I hadn't had a serious relationship since then (a couple of years) and I'd only had a couple of dates in that time. On top of that, my best friend screwed me out of about $2k and I was bitter about that, too.

 

I hated my job and hated my life and she made me feel better. I was so out of it that I was desperately looking for a lifeline. She was there for me. The right place and the right time, but the wrong reasons.

 

I was desperate and pathetic and just went with what was easiest at the time, despite my own misgivings. That's what I'm talking about.

 

I've lived most of my life so far just doing what was expected of me. I've been letting most things just happen instead of taking charge of things. I realize now that I settled for her because it was the easiest thing and because she took care of me.

 

I know this makes me sound like a real prick, but I think it's the most honest I've been with myself for a long time. I could make things work if she wanted to, because I do love her, but not enough to keep trying if she doesn't want to. Does this make any sense?

 

You know.... this post sounds a little bit like one of the 'formatted' ones we see so often from people who feel the need to justify their choices. "I married the wrong person. I felt pressured into doing it. It's all been a big mistake, etc. etc."

 

Eventually, you'll end up following up this line of thought with "I met someone else". That's the outcome of the path you're on.

 

I think it's easier to rationalize away the things that we feel are beyond our ability to repair. It's easier to say... "She was the wrong person for me anyway", than to keep plugging away at fixing it. Fact is... you married this woman and gave her five children. You must have seen something in her at the time.

 

I want you to know that there was a time when I saw no hope for my marriage. Like you, I had come to believe I'd married the wrong person. I was disappointed in myself for settling on something substandard, in accepting treatment that was clearly unacceptable. I was disappointed in myself for wasting my God-give time.

 

But, just this morning I put on a post about "naked ironing". So.... things have gotten BETTER!

 

You're mad at her. And you have a right to be mad. That doesn't necessarily mean that your differences are irreconcilable. The impotence you're feeling right now at the prospect of finding a workable solution is temporary. If you two ever manage to recover emotional intimacy, you'll see what I mean.

[Ladyjane14]

Anyway.... if I put myself in your shoes, what's bugging me most is that I don't feel I'm in control of my situation. I'm just in the passenger seat, waiting to see what's over the next rise.

 

The way to bust up that feeling of impotence is to become proactive in your stance. If it were me, I'd pull out all the stops in proving that my spouse's "friendship" was both ongoing and inappropriate. I'd put a keylogger on the PC. I'd mount surveillance cams at the front and rear entrances of the house. I'd put one on the lawn that just happened to have a view of the guy's front door.

 

(You have to be careful when you're using invasive types of monitioring. It's not only that some of these methods are inadmissable in court, but there are also legal matters to be wary of. You might want to check the laws in your state.)

 

After I busted her.... I'd sell the house out from under her.

I'd downsize the family's lifestyle to the point where it freed up available cash so that I would have a greater array of choices. If she didn't agree with that... tough. I'd file out-of-hand.

 

The ONLY thing that reaches through the fog is REALITY. Losing you is the reality that's facing her, but she can't see it yet.

[Billy Bob]

DD, hey good hearing from you. Yeah your reaching the "don't give a crap anymore" stage now.

Before you listen to too much of the keep working on plan A and giving her time to fall in-love with you again nonesense, remember that even if you proceed with divorce, you can always get remarried again to her.

 

If somehow she wakes up one of these days (after your divorced) and sees everything clearly and comes running back to you, you can welcome her with open arms (if you still want to).

 

I'd vote for downsizing, moving on and rebuilding your life without her, if or when she changes her tune you will be in the drivers seat, you will be in control and can decide what you want!

 

Your wife has disrespected you, lied to you and physically or at least emotionally cheated on you and your maritial partnership. It will never be the same. The trust is broken, if your really, really lucky you might be able to salvage the marriage, but chances are the damage is too deep.

 

Question, if you were just dating, after the way she has treated you, would you even conceivably marry her now?

 

Just so you do know there are plenty of single/divorced gals looking for 36 year old family men (especially with a bachelors degree )out there. Some of these women have careers and make decent money too. You will be OK, financially you will be able to make it and provide a good life for your kids.

 

Hang in there and realize that there are some of us just as deep in the sh*t as you too.

[Mz. Pixie]

The way to bust up that feeling of impotence is to become proactive in your stance. If it were me, I'd pull out all the stops in proving that my spouse's "friendship" was both ongoing and inappropriate. I'd put a keylogger on the PC. I'd mount surveillance cams at the front and rear entrances of the house. I'd put one on the lawn that just happened to have a view of the guy's front door.

 

(You have to be careful when you're using invasive types of monitioring. It's not only that some of these methods are inadmissable in court, but there are also legal matters to be wary of. You might want to check the laws in your state.)

 

After I busted her.... I'd sell the house out from under her.

I'd downsize the family's lifestyle to the point where it freed up available cash so that I would have a greater array of choices. If she didn't agree with that... tough. I'd file out-of-hand.

 

The ONLY thing that reaches through the fog is REALITY. Losing you is the reality that's facing her, but she can't see it yet.

 

LJ has some good points and so does Dgirl.

 

I respect you for being honest here- DD- and I'm not saying she had the right to cheat- but what Dgirl says makes alot of sense to me. Because see, I've been in her shoes. I felt like my husband (ex) didn't love me as much as I loved him because he never wanted to spend anytime with me. That was the beginning of me going down the trail to infidelity. Perhaps she has picked up on that in the past?? Perhaps it IS an ego boost to her to have someone absolutely GAGA for her?? I know it certainly did me.

 

Did you ever think that perhaps that is one reason why she cheated??

 

I'm sure you're considering working it out still due to the kids, and to be honest, they should be your first thought here- as they are the silent victims in all of this. But, if you stayed married to her, and you guys made it better than ever before-would you be able to love her as you SHOULD??

 

I think alot of what you're feeling is due to lack of control. I think you need to take that back!