jessssss Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, things have been wonderful. he has been with me since my divorce and i do love him. we bought a house together about 5 months ago, been improving it together and spending time together. lately he has been getting very irritated at me. he says that i assume too much and that pisses him off. an example: he was picking up a check from a friend and it was for me, but the friend wrote it in his name...fine...all i said was "why did you have him do that" he said it was accusing him and assuming and he had nothing to do with how the check was written...i didn't know that! i was just asking a question...he says i was assuming that he had him write it to him. so he got mad. we got over that. this morning i was talking to him to see if he'd be home at lunch and i got a call that i have to take a customer to lunch at 1130, while i was on the phone with my bf...so i said "i guess i won't see you at lunch" and he got all pissy then!! then i said i didn't mean it assuming or anything...just saying...he got irritated at me and said that i wasn't working on that and that was after i said he was trying to have total control all the time and lecture me...that set him off too...i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. we've not been spending much time together like we used to, he hates his job right now and wants to quit MONDAY! and hasn't found another one, is afraid he's going to get paid only 400 bucks for 2 weeks worth of work instead of the normal 1200 bucks for 2 weeks worth of work. i'm so lost...why is he jumping my case? he has gotten mad and punched a door and that's about it...i just dont know if this is telling me something...i love him dearly but i hate him being like this. is it stress?? also he just got off of his depression/anxiety medication because it was causing problems with his sex life (or lack tehre of! lol) and that's been a week..he weaned himself off of that over a week span... HELP...please...
MadDog Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I think maybe the way you're saying things is coming off wrong along with perhaps some of his insecurities of not wanting to be bossed questioned or bossed around constantly. For example: an example: he was picking up a check from a friend and it was for me, but the friend wrote it in his name...fine...all i said was "why did you have him do that" he said it was accusing him and assuming and he had nothing to do with how the check was written...i didn't know that! i was just asking a question...he says i was assuming that he had him write it to him. so he got mad. That does sound somewhat accusatory. If you say, "Why did you have him do such and such", that implies that he specifically made the friend write it out in his name when he had nothing to do with it. I had an ex once that would question every little thing I did and I'm a chill/patient guy but it eventually got on my nerves. Eventually I just said, "Why does it matter?" and she couldn't answer except with a, "I just want to know." Sometimes a little break from constant questioning will do wonders. this morning i was talking to him to see if he'd be home at lunch and i got a call that i have to take a customer to lunch at 1130, while i was on the phone with my bf...so i said "i guess i won't see you at lunch" and he got all pissy then!! This could have been worded differently too. You could have easily taken an extra few seconds to explain the situation. If you had said something like, "I was hoping we could have lunch today but sorry--I got a call and I have to take a customer to lunch." I'm sure he wouldn't have taken it badly. It sounds like you just have that questioning/matter of fact personality and it's just rubbing him the wrong way. This might sound extreme but you might be better off finding someone else who doesn't mind the way you are. If I've learned one thing in my previous relationships, it's that it's much easier to find someone else than to try to change yourself.
vertigo Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I think maybe the way you're saying things is coming off wrong along with perhaps some of his insecurities of not wanting to be bossed questioned or bossed around constantly. For example: That does sound somewhat accusatory. If you say, "Why did you have him do such and such", that implies that he specifically made the friend write it out in his name when he had nothing to do with it. I had an ex once that would question every little thing I did and I'm a chill/patient guy but it eventually got on my nerves. Eventually I just said, "Why does it matter?" and she couldn't answer except with a, "I just want to know." Sometimes a little break from constant questioning will do wonders. This could have been worded differently too. You could have easily taken an extra few seconds to explain the situation. If you had said something like, "I was hoping we could have lunch today but sorry--I got a call and I have to take a customer to lunch." I'm sure he wouldn't have taken it badly. It sounds like you just have that questioning/matter of fact personality and it's just rubbing him the wrong way. This might sound extreme but you might be better off finding someone else who doesn't mind the way you are. If I've learned one thing in my previous relationships, it's that it's much easier to find someone else than to try to change yourself. Listen to MD it is probably the best advice you can use right now... I think he nailed it 100%
Walk Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 Not sure about your guy, but I know every guy I've ever dated whenever they got stressed about money, jobs, life.. the smallest things became irritating. What may not have been a big deal to him before is now becoming annoying. Couple of suggestions: Work on your communication style. Find better ways to communicate your thoughts... in a more open way. They actually have quite a few good sites on interpersonal commication if you google it. And if nothing else, it's always good to educate yourself on communicating anyway. Until his stressors are lessened, go out of your way for him for a while. Doesn't mean smoother him. Be more understanding, more patient with him. Give him more space if you notice he's getting grumpier then usual. Ask if there's anything you can do for him. Express your thoughts more clearly. Most people when stressed aren't as aware of the non-verbal clues and might misinterprete some things they normally wouldn't. Find out if there's anything you can do to help ease his situation at all. You could also find out what he really means by saying you "assume", or make assumptions too much. Doesn't sound as if you're clear on this. Is it the wording? The tone? What about it makes him upset. (I didn't really see anything bad with asking about the check... the other statement about lunch seemed harsh though) It would probably help if you understood what aspect is causing him to be upset more clearly so you could work on communicating better with him. Or just start asking more open ended questions. Ones that give benefit of the doubt to him.
aleatoryd Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I agree MadDog is quite right. The problem is sometimes how we say things or indeed write (sometimes on this forum!) can be taken the wrong way. Darn communication or in this case maybe mis-communication. If you b/f is having job stress, sex stress and coming off medication it's no wonder he's acting out of character. At the worst talk to him, explain how you didn't mean to come across wrong, talk to him about how yoiu both feel and whether there are any problems. I hope it'll sort itself out. Take care.
Author jessssss Posted April 27, 2006 Author Posted April 27, 2006 i really appreciate everyone's input. i am going to work on my communication right now because i know that he is going through a lot...seems like all at once. walk, i think you made good points that seemed to hit home. we had a talk last night about our little fights we've gotten in over me wording questions wrong...and that's just it. i've been wording questions in a blaming manner, he's taking offense to it because he feels like he's being accused. i think that it has a lot to do with his stresses and a lot to do with he hates to feel at the mercy of me. does that make sense? he doesn't have much income coming in and i'm pretty much making all the bills this month, first time ever. i think he feels worthless/miserable. i'm goign to do what i need to do in order to make him feel comfortable and work through this. we have too much to throw it away just because it's "hard for me to change". nothing is too hard if you love someone enough. i will expect a return, him to work on things as well. we are both in agreeance, i'm glad we had the talk last night.
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