ok tell me if i am deluding myself

[eyeswideshut]

So, remember me? the empowered 2 day of NC chick?

 

Well. Today, we MSN'd for the first time.

I'm so bad at this game.

I unhooked my phone, but then his name pops up and scares the hell out of me. So i just thought it was innocent, until he begins asking a million questions to make sure I'm not mad at him.

He flirted with me and of course i joined in, but I think I am not involving myself because i decided that i am not pursuing the relationship, just the friendship.

here's my f***ed up reasoning.

today i thought. Okay, either i write him the dramatic NC email, (we have the most happy-go-lucky friendship) or i just ignore him and he'll take the hint, meanwhile, I will take care of my health, plus i'm going away to Europe this summer and definitely consider myself single.

When we were writing, we were joking around, and i thought this is all innocent, except of course it's not, i know, but at least in my heart I wasn't seeing it as something he'd leave his wife for.

The reason I decided to be "casual friends" is partly because I don't want to make a big drama and have him all passionate about me for no reason.

Men like the chase, so i was afraid that if i go into no contact mode and he misses me too much he will confuse all that passion for love, and the way it's going, it's making me not even want a relationship with him.

Besides it would be impossible. It would be a disgrace to my family since he's like a son in our family, (my brother's best friend) and he is married. They would never accept that i broke up a marriage. Plus his friends would resent me. So, basically, it would be more trouble than anything.

So i decided, well, I'll just be a casual friend.

And if i meet someone, for sure, i will tell him, and he'll not be able to do anything.

now i know maybe i am just trying to sabotage the whole thing because in reality i am scared. i am afraid that he would leave his wife for me. or maybe i should leave now...

I just wanted to know. For those of you who have gone NC, did it really improve things? Maybe NC would amplify our situation. I care for him sooo much and wouldn't want him to be making any rash decisions at this time in his life.

So i don't want to make a scene. Although i don't want to get too involved. Is it possible to be friends with a man you thought might have been the love of your life?

Basically, I think the NC would make him mad with passion. And I want a man to fall for me for the right reasons, not because of a mind game.

Maybe i'm trying to wean myself away from him little by little, like email him as often as I would another guy friend.

Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!

he keeps wondering if i am mad at him.

i am not. but i am very terrified of the situation we are in.

wondering if i am playing with fire.

[whichwayisup]

YOU are playing with fire. You know deep in your heart there can't be any sort of casual friendship. It just won't work. If you keep intouch with him through emails, he is still feeding that feeling in you and preventing you from healing and getting over him.

 

AND...He knows this, which is why he is making sure you're not mad at him. He KNOWS what's what and now is pushing your buttons. You fell into his trap! OK, maybe it's not so black and white, so malcious as this may read - But he is aware you want out and is doing all that it takes to make sure YOU are still into HIM.

 

So again, yes. You are playing with fire. If you don't want to get burned, stop playing his game and tell him goodbye forever. Send him one final email, pour all your hearts feelings into it and at the end tell him that was the last time he'll hear from you and that you expect him not to contact you ever again.

[Sami_D]

If you're going to go NC, you need to tell them. Otherwise... err... how will they know? Especially when you talk to them on MSN! lol... what kind of NC is that?

 

What you need to do is tell him what you're doing, and ask him to respect that. Tell him it's NC until he can say to you he's free. Then he can ask you for a date. Anything else... you don't want to hear.

 

IF he has any fibre he will respect your decision, and not chase you. IF he can't do that, then he's an ass and you should change your contact details!

 

THAT is how you do it... anything else is... only prolonging the agony.

[eyeswideshut]

I keep thinking of all the things he told me about her. About how when he and his W first started dating and he saw me at the annual BBQ (remember, he's my brother's best friend) with my then fiance, he wouldn't stop talking to her about all my accomplishments, and that made her jealous. He described what i was wearing and that was in 1997.

he described what I was wearing one day when he met me on the street over 15 years ago, in vivid detail.

Then all the things he said about her, which make me almost certain that he will leave her if not this year, very soon.

i know he is not fulfilled intellectually by this woman. I know he loved her, but he quickly outgrew her, and it's as though even if they try to work it out, he will probably one day be itching out of his skin because he feels she is too emotionally dependant.

Ok. Here's my thing. THAT'S MY PROBLEM.

It's as though I am comparing myself to her and thinking I am better than her!!!!! OMG. Not better, but I mean, more made for him.

She does have her attractive qualities, for instance, she is a marvelous talented dancer, has an amazing body, but it basically stops there from what I can gather. She is quite superficial, and she can't have a conversation about things we both have incredible knowledge and interests in: literature, classical music training, we both are avid runners, love art, would spend a day in a museum, understand the opera, etc...

she would spend the day shopping for clothes that's all she loves.

Now. When I know all this info, it makes me wonder, how on earth do I move on, when I am so ultimately confident that not only will he leave her, but that he will come back to me?

He told me that of all his circle of friends, he hasn't been able to connect to someone like he did with me (friendship-wise) and he doesn't know what to do with that. He said a big part of him was sort of private and when he met me he was reborn and passionate again about these things. He said when he first spoke to me it made him want to be creative again.

My ex-fiance (who had nothing in common with me except for a great discipline and sense of humor) tells me to be careful, that two people who are too much alike don't always last because they aren't able to learn from one another.

Add all this to what the psychic told me that I would meet a man (within the exact time frame) who would be made just for me.

So here I am going about my days thinking:

"oh love, just hurry up and make your decision so we can finally take off"

and I am actually floating on air!

 

Someone please knock some sense into me and tell me I am deluded and overconfident and that my story is not so special and that denial is just a phase and that I have to face the possibility of not getting what I want for once in my life.

Oh yeah, and add to this that since I've been single, every close friend or contact (even co-workers) have a line up of men just waiting for me to say yes for a date. (but hell, I am not even interested in them, I've met some of the people too. Lovely men, not for me) NOOOO I have to be interested in the ONE guy I can't get.

 

Someone wake me the hell up.

[lovernotafighter]

just read our stories for your self and believe me you'll wake up alright...that's exactly what it took for me to go from thinking "but my relationship is unique" to thinking "our relationship to totally average and not very special at all"

[whichwayisup]

It all comes down to, if he hasn't left her yet he never will.

 

You two met at the wrong time in life. I'm sure it hurts to want someone you can't ever really have.

 

The only REAL choice you have is to go on without him. As painful as it will be, just do it. For yourself. One day when the time is right YOU WILL meet another wonderful man who will fit all your needs, love only you and not be married to someone else.

 

Keep busy and distracted. FORCE yourself to do things you never would have done in the past! Try new hobby's or even join a gym! Do anything that makes you feel good and happy as long as it has nothing to do with him.

[eyeswideshut]

i think NC will be better for me.

The longer I go without him, the better. I feel more and more detached.

i have to just force myself to forget.

I went to my spiritual healer and she told me I was being self destructive.

I don't want that at all for myself.

Did anyone on this site ever get the MM?

i am so worried about my month of June. The W is leaving town for three weeks and he is making plans about staying over.

I need to break free from him now so that it is clear to him in June that he will indeed be ALONE.

But I am freaking out already. Thinking stuff like, if I ignore him while she is gone, he will think I have abandoned him or playing a game, and will resent me for it, and then never trust me or want to be with me. But that if I play it cool, and he pursues me, and we spend a lot of quality time in June, by the time she comes back he will be so hooked and THEN i can do the NC thing?

I promise I wouldn't get attached! Besides I am spending a month in Europe so i will get over him then?

Arghhhhh.

But all this is not reality, to think like this proves how seriously mental I am becoming.

I've never wanted to control the outcome of things, but now look at me, I am so manipulative. It's not even causing me pain! I'm all excited!

What is wrong?

lovernotafighter, i totally love the pic of Marilyn. Are you a Marilyn look alike? I love Marilyn, I am actually obsessed by her. I'm an audrey.

haahhaa

[Jessie61]

[quote name=eyeswideshut

When I know all this info, it makes me wonder, how on earth do I move on, when I am so ultimately confident that not only will he leave her, but that he will come back to me?

 

Someone please knock some sense into me and tell me I am deluded and overconfident and that my story is not so special and that denial is just a phase and that I have to face the possibility of not getting what I want for once in my life.

 

Someone wake me the hell up.[/quote]

 

 

Eyeswideshut,

 

If I was as confident as you that he actually WILL leave his W and come back to me, then I would certainly have the time of my life! It is the uncertainty of not knowing anything which kills me!

 

If you are seriously saying that you feel like this, surely there would be no problem going NC and just sit tight and wait...? It is bound to happen sometime soon?

 

Honestly, you do have to face the possibility that you might not get what you want. Unfortunately that is a lesson we all have to learn at some stage in our lives...

 

So, how are you coping now?

[movinon05]

Like Jessie says:

 

If you are sooooooo sure he is going to leave his W for you, then going NC would just make it happen sooner, right? You sound very confident that you have the ball in your court, so if you want to play games, you go NC.

 

Just don't be so surprised if it doesn't happen like you expect. When you write questions, you answer them all yourself.

 

But that if I play it cool, and he pursues me, and we spend a lot of quality time in June, by the time she comes back he will be so hooked and THEN i can do the NC thing?

I promise I wouldn't get attached! Besides I am spending a month in Europe so i will get over him then?

 

This sounds like you want him to have 3 weeks of quality time to reel him in so tight while she is gone, so that when you go NC afterwards, its a guarantee he'll come running back. You're setting him up, but you'll be free to run to Europe and be distracted. This isn't a game, EWS.

 

You either continue with the games or you go NC for real and trust that whatever will happen, will happen. You cannot guarantee an outcome in this by "playing cards."

[Jessie61]

 

You either continue with the games or you go NC for real and trust that whatever will happen, will happen. You cannot guarantee an outcome in this by "playing cards."

 

I could not agree more. Every single time I have said NC I have meant it, expecting him to leave me alone from now on, and being totally prepared to lose him forever. Heart breaking? Yes, you bet! I have never seen it as tactics, for me it was more about surviving with my sanity intact....