How should I feel?

[MrDarcy]

I admit I'm kind of a jealous guy, but I'm not a bad person, I just get a little insecure sometimes. I'm 26, married, have been for two years soon. My wife and I have been together for seven years, and we have two children. We love each other very much, although I feel my feelings for her are a little more passionate than hers sometimes, and especially lately.

 

This all started over a month ago when she went away for a week to the canary Islands to visit a friend who was pregnant. I stayed home with the kids, cause we couldn't afford for both of us to go. I trust her, and I know she will not sleep with anyone or have an affair, however something happened when she was away. When she got back, I was downloading photos from her cellphone, and when I was done, I started browsing through her phone, not really looking for anything, when suddenly she ran over and tore it out of my hands. Apparently there were some sms's she didn't want me to see. Now this is where things start going wrong. Later, I checked her sms inbox without her knowing. (Yes, I know, not respecting her privacy, but you would have done the same thing....) Apparently she has been receiving some very romantic/flirty messages from this guy named Louis. After discussing this with her she tells me nothing is going on, that he was just a friend, but I know there's something more than that. I trust her enough to know she hasn't done anything really bad, but this whole situation bothers me a lot. When I try to talk to her about it, all she says is that there's nothing going on. Now this is where things go from bad to worse.... One day I walk into the bedroom, to find her diary lying open (really, it was) Of course, I did what I shouldnt have done, and read what she had written. It said that the best part of her trip had been meeting Louis, who gave her that "warm feeling".

Now, of course I'm not okay with someone else giving my wife a "warm feeling", cause the only one who should be giving her that warm feeling is me. But what can a man do? No matter what I do about this it just turns out wrong.

 

Now, I have nothing to feel bad about, I have never neglected my wife, always treating her like a queen, taking care of the kids, etc.... I love her with all my heart, and yet she treats me like this? If we didn't have any kids or had been together for so long, I would have ended it right there, but I love her and I really want to share my life with her.....

 

During easter things went totally bad. I took the kids for a trip to go to my parents for the holidays while she had to work. When we got back, being jealous, hurt and desperate, I did something terrrible. i checked her diary. She had written his name in big letters, saying she was in love with him, and the next day, she wrote that she wanted to have sex with him, and that she wanted a one night stand with a stranger. Of course my heart broke into pieces, but fearing that I could make matters even worse, I kept quiet, suffering in agony. I still trust her enough to think that she isn't actually going to do any of the things she has written, but I realize she has some strange emotions going on. This is not like her at all. And while writing all this, she still behaves normally, kissing, hugging, holding hands. Is this all just an act?

 

The next few days I was almost going mad. I couldn't eat, couldn't think, had trouble breathing a few times. I tried talking to her, but without actually confronting her with what I know it's hard to get her to understand how I feel, and if I confront her, it could just make matters worse. And still she keeps receiving e-mails and sms from this guy, and allthough I have just about given up reading them, It's pretty clear this guy is making advances at her, even though he knows she's married, and I can tell from what he writes that he's a sleazy bastard. (Why do girls always fall for them?)

 

However, I have to say in her defence that I don't think she's replying to the messages, at least not in a romantic fashion, although it's pretty clear from her diary that she has feelings for this guy. So what do I do? I have stopped talking to her about this, cause we're not getting anywhere when talking, but I'm not okay with the situation at all! In the last mail this guy sent, he started by calling her mi amor, which is strictly for romantic purposes. No man would be okay with someone behaving like that towards his wife. Now If I had not found out about all this, I would still have known something was wrong, just not what.

 

So what do I do? Should I accept that she feels like this, and accept what this guys doing? Should I confront my wife with what I know? I'm tempted to write a mail to this guy telling him i know exactly what is going on and tell him to get lost, but I'm afraid that could backfire.....

 

I want to stay with her, but I'm not sure if we could live like this. There are some serious issues here that needs to be solved. She says she loves me, but can I believe her after all these lies? Like I said, I have treated har like a queen, and I treat her in a way that other girls would kill to have their man treat them, so I have nothing to be ashamed of, although I'm not proud of reading her diary or e-mail....

 

Could anyone give me some feedback,and girls in particular? Can I trust my wife? Is this just a temporary phase? Should I forgive her? Would you have forgiven your partner? What can I do to win her back?

[whichwayisup]

You come clean. Yes, she will be pissed off and upset that you invaded her privacy, but in all honesty, SHE is the one who is doing something wrong. Something that WILL kill your trust in her, ruin your marriage and maybe even end it if she doesn't wise up and just come clean with you. She owes you the truth.

 

See if the marriage is fixable. Find out WHY she is interesting in pursuing someone else. What needs of hers that aren't being met.

 

You seem like a loving man who adores his wife. I hope she finds her way back to you.

 

Now, can I ask? Has she suffered any depression? Mood swings? Is she unhappy with life? Or at work? Something is not right within her. This isn't your fault, k - So don't blame yourself. As you said, you do alot for her and make sure she knows how much you love her.

 

This actually could be insecurity of hers, needing attention from someone other than you, or a midlife crisis. Or bordem, a feeling of wanting to experience "if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome.

 

She does love you, don't doubt that. I think maybe she's confused, or missing that passionate-crush like feeling with her and somehow has got caught up in a crush thing with someone else.

 

Make it clear to her that she doesn't love this other man. That he is just an ego feed for her. She hasn't had a history or a life with that man...She has it with YOU. She has children with you, a marriage, a home and that makes you a family. Remind of her the kids and what she is doing is just wrong.

 

when suddenly she ran over and tore it out of my hands.

 

When (and she will) she freaks out that you checked up on her, the above quote of yours is explanation of WHY you felt the need to do this.

 

Also, marriage counselling will help - As long as she is willing to end it with this man.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be quiet about finding out that you have written that to a female friend you met on a trip that you wanted to have sex with her? Would she be quiet if she found out that you wanted to have sex with a stranger? Are you out of your mind? Your wife is married and continues to have messages from this guy and says she loves him. You respond by being quiet?

 

Set up counseling sessions immediately. She clearly desires to have a sexual affair with somebody even a stranger. You need to communicate now and make it clear there are consequences to a person's actions. She must cut off communications totally with this person. She is humiliating you and disrespecting your marriage. Keeping quiet now is absolutely the worst thing you can do. Unfortunately it seems you are in denail. Most people will say they could not imagine their spouse cheating on them like you said. The fact is that your spouse said she wanted to have sex with this man and have sex with a stanger yet you are still in big time denial. What is wrong with this picture. You will have to deal with this problem now or deal with it after she has sex with someone else. Which one do you want it to be?

[Guest]

I think you should tell her what you have done with reading her cell phone and diary and see where it leads you. As of now, neither of you are being honest with each other and are maintaining a deceptive relationship to avoid rocking the boat. Relationships are about communication, trust, and honesty. If neither of the partners want to work on that, then in my opinion, the relationship is not worth keeping because you each deserve better than that.

 

You know what is right. It is just that people often don't have the strength to face consequences and do what is right. When you make a commitment to be married, I feel that it is not only a commitment to love each other, but WORK things out. Right now, it is still just a small bump in the road that you guys can overcome if you are committed enough to. I say, do not wait until the problem evolves.

[MrDarcy]

Thank you for your kind words. The problem is, after this started she has started blaming me for trying to control her life, and not respecting her. I have to admit that to some extent she's right, but she drove me to it. So that's why I feel coming clean will only make matters worse right now. I will tell her soon, but now is a very bad time with all the other things going on around us. I have backed off for now, or given up, I don't know, leaving the matter alone for now. After my exams are done I we'll sit down and talk it out. I'm hoping this can be fixed, but we've only been married for two years, and already this happens? What will happen next?

[Bryanp]

I feel your pain. You make a good point asking why all of this is happening and you have only been married 2 years. Again marriage counseling is a must to understand and deal with the issues you are dealing with. Again it is not a question of controlling. This is a classic smokescreen cheating wifes will say to justify their activities. If controlling means not allowing another man to come between you and your wife then so be it. She is acting as if she is single. This OM is clearly a want- to- be boyfriend. If she is unable or unwilling to be in a monogamous relationship with her husband then it time to get out as soon as possible. Again counseling is a must.

[MrDarcy]

She knows that if she had an affair there would be serious consequences, and I don't think she would ever go through with the idea of having sex with someone else, but the fact that she's thinking about it hurts a lot.

[BUTAFLY]

unless she is flying to the carnary Islands every weeekend, I don't think you have a problem. Everyone gets a crush...as a fantacy about someone other than thier spouse, its natrual. As long as she doesn't act on it...(which your sure she won't) it will fade away.

[whichwayisup]

unless she is flying to the carnary Islands every weeekend, I don't think you have a problem. Everyone gets a crush...as a fantacy about someone other than thier spouse, its natrual. As long as she doesn't act on it...(which your sure she won't) it will fade away.

 

BUTAFLY, you don't see this as a problem?

 

Apparently she has been receiving some very romantic/flirty messages from this guy named Louis. After discussing this with her she tells me nothing is going on, that he was just a friend, but I know there's something more than that. I trust her enough to know she hasn't done anything really bad, but this whole situation bothers me a lot. When I try to talk to her about it, all she says is that there's nothing going on. Now this is where things go from bad to worse.... One day I walk into the bedroom, to find her diary lying open (really, it was) Of course, I did what I shouldnt have done, and read what she had written. It said that the best part of her trip had been meeting Louis, who gave her that "warm feeling".

Now, of course I'm not okay with someone else giving my wife a "warm feeling", cause the only one who should be giving her that warm feeling is me. But what can a man do? No matter what I do about this it just turns out wrong.

 

OR this?

 

i checked her diary. She had written his name in big letters, saying she was in love with him, and the next day, she wrote that she wanted to have sex with him, and that she wanted a one night stand with a stranger.

This has completely destroyed him! Finding out his wife wants to be with someone else, and even to say she was inlove with the other guy!

 

A crush is normal, yes, people get crushes...But they don't make it into something more. And that is what she's doing. Maybe they haven't had sex in real life, but the intent is there and so are the feelings...Which equals emotional affair.

 

So yeah, there is a problem and what he feels by his wife's actions SHOWS that she is doing something wrong.

[Gemini1975]

Ok Im a woman who was in the same situation your wife is in. I had a crush on a guy and belive me I thought all the same feelings your wife had written down. I fantasised about him. I had a huge crush on him and once I even thought about him when i was having sex with my husband.

The feelings were there but I new I couldn't cheet on my husband I couldn't do that to my husband. I had major issues about it. How could I feel this way about another man - I thought I was going crazy.

 

That was two years ago. I barely saw the guy over the last 2 years and was never alone with him. I actually avoided seeing him alone because I didn't trust my self.

 

Long story short. The first time I was alone with him we kissed. two years had passed and those feelings were still as strong as they were before - it was wrong we never did it again - but it still happened.

 

If my husband would have confronted me with fears of my infidelity it may have never happened. I would have realized the hurt I was about to cauze and the consicuences would have been real to me.

[MrDarcy]

Gemini, can I ask you how you were able to feel this way about another man if you were married? Was there something wrong in your relationship at the time, did your husband not give you enough attention or neglect you in any way? I'm asking because I couldn't imagine myself having feelings for another woman. I am still in love with my wife, and I feel hurt that she doesn't feel the same. I have given her no reason to go out looking for attention anywhere else. What happened that made you develop feelings for this other guy?

 

What can I do to get her back?

[SoleMate]

You should definitely not be sitting still while your marriage is in crisis. Although it may be true that active fantasies of this type are common, I believe that they are extremely risky to a marriage. Especially since there is ongoing communication. (I'm going with the OP's belief that nothing physical has occurred.)

 

In my experience, a happily married woman would not be readily susceptible to come-ons from sleazy players. The fact that she was interested definitely means that she is not fully satisfied in the relationship. The root cause of this could definitely be related to her mental health, but the first place I would look is the actual interaction between husband and wife. Are both of you meeting each other's emotional needs? Please read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, which explains what makes a person fall in love and stay in love. (He also has a very helpful website.) To stay happily married, you must both stay in love with each other, then sleazy characters are unlikely to gain a toehold.

 

Your snooping, IMO, isn't even worth one minute's discussion when compared to the importance of saving your marriage.

 

Last word: You may know this by now, but separate vacations are a terrible idea. I understand the financial issues, but you can't afford to lose your marriage either. You and your wife should be having your recreation and fun times TOGETHER. If you had been there with her, likely none of this would have happened. Instead, the two of you could have romanced each other.

 

Don't give up, stand up and let your wife know what your marriage means to you and how far you are willing to go to keep it intact.

[MrDarcy]

SoleMate, Thanks for the support and good advice.

I know separate vacations are not a good idea, but I sincerely trusted my wife when she went away, as her reasons for going was visiting her pregnant friend. Like I said, I even had the kids for a week. That's why it hurts even more when this is the outcome of her little trip.

 

Now I do all I can to please her, but I can't compete with what guys like this one offers, and I should not have to either. I have told her this and she agrees, but I don't think she gets the point: she can't have it all.

 

I have been far from quiet, but whatever I do it seems I only push her further away, into the arms of this guy. Women hate insecure guys, and this has obviously made me feel insecure.

 

We have talked about this over the last few days, and have decided to go for a fresh start. She will have no more comunication with him, and I'll leave the matter alone. I don't know if I can trust her on this, but it's a start, I guess. Like I said, it's not like we're bitter enemies, we live like usual, kissing, talking, holding hands, but I'm not at all comfortable with the situation.

[Gemini1975]

MrDarcy

 

Please don't get me wrong I am still very much in love with my husband - he is my soul mate.

 

Im not sure how these feelings developed. My husband did nothing wrong - he loves me - treats me well 99% of the time. I think the only thing that lacks is he doesn't compliment me or make me feel pretty or good about my self - he doesn't billed up my self esteem. He tends to point out my faults but always does it in a joking matter - but sometimes it still hurts.

 

My only advice - be the guy she fell in love with win her heart back completley - I have no doubt that she is still in love with you but she is defenitly confused - as I was.

 

Maybe you could tell her with out telling her that you know. Maybe suggest that she has been distant and distracted - Ask her if there is anything she needs to tell you - Tell her you are here for her no matter what is bothering her. Tell her you want your wife back.

[reservoirdog1]

There's an old saying: "Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing."

 

f*** her privacy. This is YOUR LIFE TOO, and your marriage.

 

Here's exactly what I'd do.

 

First of all, make copies of all the emails, and burn them onto a CD. If you can get copies of the pages from her diary, do so. And whatever you obtain, hide it somewhere safe.

 

Since you've read his emails to your wife, you can get ahold of his email address very easily.

 

Write him an email, and CC it to your wife. I would say something like "This is W's husband. You may not know about me, but I know about you. And what I know is that if you EVER contact my wife again, in any manner whatsoever, ____________________" [insert consequence to befall him -- he's in another country and, I'd guess, is unlikely to file a police report in your jurisdiction if you threaten him]. Try to time it so that you're home (i.e. in the same place as her) when she gets the email.

 

I call this "Operation Shock and Awe."

 

You sound like a classic "nice guy" who adores his wife and would do anything for her. This kind of thing is the last thing she'll be expecting from you. And in spite of everything she says or does upon reading the email, her level of respect for you will suddenly be given a boost. Which is excellent, because that's what's sorely needed from her right now. A common theme in a lot of cheaters is a lack of respect for the person they're betraying.

 

I can tell you exactly what her reply will be. She will focus not on what SHE's been doing, but on what YOU did. She will scream at you that you've invaded her privacy, that you've been snooping, etc. In short, she will do everything she can possibly think of to make you feel bad, to make you feel sorry, to put YOU on the defensive.

 

Whatever she says, DO NOT BACK DOWN. DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING DONE WHAT YOU DID. You don't have to scream back. Stand firm, and do not flinch. Do not let her obscure the real issue, which is that she is committing emotional infidelity. Tell her that as long as long as she is married to you, you are not going to put up with that. Ever. She has a choice to make: she gets you in her life, or him. NOT both. Give her 48 hours to decide.

 

Your inclination will be to back down, because you'll have made her mad. You'll be deathly afraid of her leaving, going to stay with a friend, etc. But if she storms out/threatens to storm out, LET HER GO. Do not cave in or show weakness. Do not be the first one to initiate contact. Just make sure she knows that, if she doesn't give you her answer in 48 hours, you'll assume that she's chosen him, and act accordingly.

 

Bet you a pound to a pinch of s*** that she'll be back in less than a day, begging you to forgive her.

 

Good luck, buddy. You know what you have to do. Now go do it.

[MrDarcy]

I have to admit I love your idea. But like I said, we have an agreement, and if she keeps her part of the deal, I'll keep mine. I will monitor the situation, but for now this agreement works for me. I will keep your idea in mind though, and I have to admit the same idea has been cooking in the back of my head for a while. However I fear how going through with this kind of scheme will affect our future relationship.

[reservoirdog1]

Wait on it for the time being. But watch her like a hawk. If I were you, I'd install a keylogger on the computer. (In case you don't know, that's a program that runs quietly in the background, that enables you to, supposedly, see everything the users have been doing, sites they've visited, and what they've written to whom. Google it.) Don't interrogate her -- be stealthy. If she is still planning on communicating with the OM, you want her to think she's lulled you to sleep.

 

Your biggest worry right now should be that she made the agreement with you in order to mollify you and throw you off the scent. Who knows, maybe she will abide by the agreement. But don't assume that for now.

 

"Trust, but verify."

[MrDarcy]

I can see our minds work in similar ways reserviordog. Don't worry, I've got my ass covered. I feel bad for not trusting her though, but then again, I hope you understand why I'm having a hard time doing just that.....

 

Btw, is this where I vent my frustrations over the fact that nice guys always get screwed?

[Curmudgeon]

Btw, is this where I vent my frustrations over the fact that nice guys always get screwed?

 

I don't think we always do. I thought I'd been screwed when my wife of 25 years left me and immediately took up with someone she'd met seven months earlier. It was supposed to be a separation to give us time and space to work things out. Instead, she moved him in with her and my youngest daughters.

 

The fact is, I didn't get screwed. I actually came out very well because I was no longer with her and never would be again. I deserved better and now I have it.

 

It's all a matter of perspective.

[Blind Illusion]

 

Last word: You may know this by now, but separate vacations are a terrible idea. I understand the financial issues, but you can't afford to lose your marriage either. You and your wife should be having your recreation and fun times TOGETHER. If you had been there with her, likely none of this would have happened. Instead, the two of you could have romanced each other.

 

See, now I disagree with a part of this. Not the part about trying to have recreation together-that's always a great aspiration. Sometimes, however, as ideal as this might be, there might be an instance where this cannot happen.

 

I truly believe that a person will cheat or not regardless of where they are and who is with them. I have opted to go back to my hotel room when my girlfriends hung out with some men on vacation when I lived with a man I loved & respected. It just wasn't in my heart to cheat so I didn't. Comparatively, my husband thinks we should just stay in the house and be neagtive & miserable together and I found myself involved with someone else and never even left the house.

 

I guess my point is that sometimes it is the relationship that matters or what one individual feels. Not whether they go on some isolated trip alone. Even if this trip never transpired, she could have met someone walking the family dog around the block if that is what her heart was open to do.

[Alexandra]

While I can't say ReservoirDog1's suggestion is very orthodox it may well work in this case. Maybe not word per word in that extreme fashion but the general idea.

 

I also agree with the others that have pointed out that you would need marriage counselling so it could be your next step to make sure neither of you have any ill feelings after the "intervention". I know you think it a small, potentially insignificant issue and the "just dreaming of it" trail of thought is definitely alluring to anyone ever confronted with potential infidelity, but while it could be just harmless, it's actually probable that it will happen again later on if left unresolved.

 

Now I know you are probably very hurt and at the same time scared into lack of action by fearing what future taking action may bring. It's perfectly natural to feel that way but it often helps if you try and "sit yourself down" then weed out "fake rational decisions". Meaning all those things you tell yourself not to confront her that may not hold well under objective scrutiny.

 

You asked for explanations why this is happening, there can be very many reasons. Gemini gave you a great perspective, it has very little to do with loving you so it would be good if you didn't torment yourself about it despite how achieving that will take you a while and probably won't occur till later. In my opinion one of the factors is the fact that you two are statistically very young to have been married for 2 years, it happens most often to young exclusive (who have only been with each other) couples.

 

Having said that, WHY is probably the least productive in terms of concerns at this point. Up there with "Why do good guys get screwed?" This sounds like it's a time for practical thinking and action so "How to stop it", "how to deal with it", etc may well prove better topics to mule over.

[Lexa]

Ok Im a woman who was in the same situation your wife is in. I had a crush on a guy and belive me I thought all the same feelings your wife had written down. I fantasised about him. I had a huge crush on him and once I even thought about him when i was having sex with my husband.

The feelings were there but I new I couldn't cheet on my husband I couldn't do that to my husband. I had major issues about it. How could I feel this way about another man - I thought I was going crazy.

 

That was two years ago. I barely saw the guy over the last 2 years and was never alone with him. I actually avoided seeing him alone because I didn't trust my self.

 

Long story short. The first time I was alone with him we kissed. two years had passed and those feelings were still as strong as they were before - it was wrong we never did it again - but it still happened.

 

If my husband would have confronted me with fears of my infidelity it may have never happened. I would have realized the hurt I was about to cauze and the consicuences would have been real to me.

 

As a wife, off and on during the years of my marriage, I have been attracted to other men, but never to the point that I actually wanted to sleep with them.

 

I have been a faithful true wife. I have never cheated on my husband. As a wife, I could not think of lowering myself just for sex. Those feelings were/are easy to control. The feelings that are not easy, is the feeling of "warm and fuzzy" with someone else. I think when you deal with this type of emotion, it can lead to serious trouble. I know because this is how I am feeling right now with another man. He makes me feel things and says things that my husband does not. In my case, my husband doesnt try. He does not see me as this beautiful intelligent woman amazing woman. But, another man does, and tells me, so it is hard to ignore that attention. (We have been friends for years, so its not like a stranger who wants to get in my pants).

 

I wonder if in a way she wants you to find out! Why would she entail so much private info in her a diary! (everyone knows a diary is never 100% safe!) That I dont get. Even if I did keep a diary, I would never write about how I feel about another man. That is asking to get caught.

 

CONFRONT HER! Writing I LOVE LOUIS in her diary is not only a scream for attention,IMO, but also immature! Call her on it, tell her she left it out and yea, you saw it.

 

I also agree with this post in saying that if it is or was caught early on, you have a better chance of making it stop beofre it progresses any further!

[Alexandra]

Mr.Darcy, I see you're around but you have no PM capabilities for now so I'll ask on your own thread... I was wondering what the news were, you never gave us an updated, what happened?

[snoppy22]

I came across this thread only today and can understand fully what MrDarcy is feeling. In certain way I was in a similar situation with him.

 

About a year ago, my gf moved from her hometown to stay with me. During that time, she took things easy and was taking courses in the day. I was just the same type of guy like MrDarcy. I treated her like a queen and gave most of my time outside work to her. We have dinner together every night and went on dates during weekends. Life has never been better.

 

Recently by accident I found out that 4 months after she moved in with me. She actually was seeing a guy that she knew during her lessons and that went on for around 1.5 months. We spoke about this matter and she said that the only thing they have ever done was to hold hands, although I begged to differ. She was very insistent that they have no intimacy at all as she claimed that if she has, she would have left me. She said she decided to cut off contact with him totally after feeling a little shakey inside her. She does not consider this an affair but rather a betrayal. She has asked for my forgiveness and assured me that it will not happe again.

 

The situation is that I have decided to forgive her this once and inside me I knew very well that if the same thing ever happened again in future, I will call the whole thing off instantly. A few weeks now and I have to say the road to recovery on my part is not easy. The part about rebuilding the trust is not easy because I have in my past marriage being cheated on by my ex wife.

 

Well, I am not using this thread to tell my story but the thing that have been occupying my mind all this while is that such things happened even in "peace" time as deem by us. Like MrDarcy, I devote myself to her and gave her priority over anything else. Our communication has been ok but it seems like it is still not enough.

 

The reason for the episode was that she moved to a new place and does not have many friends (she is an introvert) and she said she felt her world got smaller and she only had me to talk to. She said the whole episode was not my fault and she had herself to blame.

 

One thing I know is that she has low self esteem/self confidence so I think it is not difficult for a "player" to identify her weakness and play up her self esteem and make her feel more comfortable and thus becoming shakey.

 

This road to recovery has been very stressed for me as it is sometimes making me lost sleep, lost my appetite especially when she goes through her mood swings. Also she has this tendancy to tell me white lies (probably due to her low self esteem again that got her fearful of upsetting me?). I currently take what she told me with a pinch of salt ie things like she love me etc.

 

I will be keeping watch of this thread closely. Hopefully we have some of the ladies coming forward to shed some light on the woman's mentality and how we men can prevent such things from happening in future. Thank you!

[MrDarcy]

I see some of you have requested an update. I'm sorry I haven't checked this thread for a while.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you. Things have been really busy, and we haven't really had a chance to talk much more about this. We've more or less kept our parts of the bargain, I'm leaving the matter alone, although keeping an eye on things, and she hasn't had any more contact with the guy. He sent her a couple of emails though, but she didn't reply to any of them. The last one he sent had a completely different ring to it, no romantical undertone. Maybe he got the idea. I feel a little cowardly not to confront her with the evidence, but thruth is I feel it will do more damage than good at the moment, and I would like to be able to monitor the situation. I have to admit that at the moment I don't trust my wife completely, and I realize I have to set some boundaries for her, to prevent her from doing something like that again.

 

After we did talk about it back then I think she partly realized that what she did hurt me, but not that she was doing anything wrong. Either that, or she just doesn't want to admit it to me. She has some issues with pride and seeing and admitting her own shortcomings.

 

Snoppy, I can relate to much of what you're saying. My wife has got some insecurity issues as well as beeing somewhat introvert, but also very naive, and doesn't realize that men are actually not interested in just being friends. (Or so she claims) I can imagine what you're going through. The worst for me was feeling that I did nothing to deserve what happened, and wondering afterwards if there was something I could have done to prevent it.

 

I fear that one of the reasons this happened was that she has started taking me for granted. There's also the thrill-of-the-chase factor. I'm not sure how to change this, because want to keep showing her that I love her, and keep doing things for her. Any suggestions?