In love with a married man

[marianna]

Summer of 2004 I met this wonderfull man, I knew he was in an unhappy marriage with a son. We are both from Europe where family values I think are different. Divorce is not usually an option and a perfect image towards friends, family and society is a must.

At 18 I moved to Canada I'm now 39. Moving in my opinion was the best thing that happend to me as a woman and as personality. Growing up in a different more open society gave my the right an abbility to act on my decisions without stigmas taboos and musts.

Got married at 20 and had a daugher a year after. My marriage was falling apart and after lots of tries to keep the marriage alive for the sake of the kid we decided to get divorced. My husband moved to another city and I did manage alone to give my daughter a happy home. Always told her good things about her dad and always let her know that he loved her no matter what. Christmas, Easter, spring breaks and summers were taken away from me and my kid (thats by choice and no by court order or anything like that). I felt that she needed to keep that father and daughter connection and those were the times she could actually visit due to school. I have no regrets for that, it made her happy. She felt loved from both of us and never despite us for our decision even though she is agaist divorces.

I would continue the story now about me and my married 'boyfriend', lets name him Nick.

I met Nick on line, he told me he was married but slowly our relathionship grew to something very strong. He wasn't happy with his marriage but was staying in it just for his son. He was living away from home working in a different city and was visiting his son and wife on weekends where they were reflecting an idea of happy family to society. Summer of 2004 I went back home to meet him. In the one hand I couln't wait on the other I wanted to be very cautious knowing he was married. Tried hard to see it at least as an adventure but he didn't let me. Everything was screaming love is in the air and no one could change that. Four months we were together except weekends. There was an amazing comfort between us like we knew each other for years. Weekends were hard for me knowing he was going home. I did understant he wanted to see his son I just couldn't understant his relathionship with the wife. Suddenly I saw my self as the other woman and I didn't like it. It serves me right to get between a marriage. I couldn't hide or swallow my feelings neither could he. We never talked about any future together he just wanted me to stay and let time deside. I had to go back to Canada to my daughter and work, that was just an excuse I think. He did drive me to the airport, it was a very emotional day. I felt like someone was taking my heart an ripping it apart. I didn't want to leave I was hopping he will scream to me stay here with me together, as we always said, and everything will work out. But he never said anything, he let me walk that way to the gate and he never run after me. There was a plan for me to go back after a few months (around Christmas time) that never happened. We were on the phone two three times a day for hours keeping this love alive and making it stronger but I never got the validation I needed to go back. I didn't want to be the reason for breaking up an already broken up family. I needed him to make the decision, any decision would have made me happy because it would have made him happy. Hours on the phone discovering more love without doing anything about it. Months went by and around summer time he did tell me he is moving to Western Europe for work and a step closer to me. In my opinion he just moved for other reasons, I think mostly to get away from an unpleasant enviroment at home or he was just trying to get out of the marriage his own slow way. He told me the first vacation he will have from work he will come to me. In less than a month he did take time off from work and rushed back home. He missed his son he said. Was it the son? Then Christmas came and again he rushed back home. There was never a discussion about it, he was making the decision and was just telling me at the last moment. That didn't feel good, I felt like nothing, felt used and played. When I told him about my feelings he thought I have a problem with him visiting his son. I wish that he'll be able to see him every day, but don't sit there and tell me you miss me, you love me and run home to sleep in the same bed with your wife doing who knows what and expect me to beleive that nothing is happening in that bed. Is any one out there that beleives that story?

Well, lets continue with a national holiday that came up and again off home to see his son in a parade. What anyone else would have done now?

All this time he never mentioned coming to see me or inviting me over. Phone calls were not pleasant any more. I was constantly nugging, I was trying to let him know how I feel but again he thought I have a problem with him seeing his son. Not having any room or space for me wasn't a problem? Playing house for relatives, the world and his son wasn't a problem? Why Im waiting for something that I think it will never happen? Why do I still love him? Is it time for me to move on ? Lets move to Easter and again back home, this time the stay is longer. This time I had to get to the bottom of all this. Yesterday on the phone I wanted to know the reason for the longer stay. He told me that there is a problem with his son where he's constantly crying and doesn't let got of dad. Now I see where Nick made a problem bigger. Every time the son cries dad rushes home and when he cries more dad stays longer. I think kids do feel the tention at home and do want their parents together and his son simply found the solution by crying. We are talking about an eight year old and I did read somewhere that at this age they have harder time dealing with separations. I think Nick is wrong by not telling his son the truth about him and mom. If the marriage is over he was suppose to clean the air with the wife and kid before running away. And if not he should have cleared the air with me. You never solve a problem by running away or ignoring it. It's always there. Lately I lost hope for me and Nick, I thought he stopped loving me but why call then and not just end it? I did put my feelings first because I didn't know the situation with his son. It was a point where I though he was still sleeping with his wife Im not so sure now. It was a point where I thought my feelings don't count I have second thoughts now. It was a time where I thought he is not listening or caring about me, now I see his problems where louder than my scream. I was thinking about myself and I forgot how much his son means to him. I'm suppose to go see him in Europe on June after almost two years. I do have mixed feelings about it and I need some advice, I need a few opinions to decide the right thing. Nicks kid and wife visit him in Europe for a couple of days and that is making me uncomfortable being in the same house she was, sleeping in the same bed, sitting in the same chair, drinking from the same glass. I need to clear all these doubts and I don't know how to. Asking him didn't work somehow everything sounded as a lie.

I love him very much and I don't know how to handel this situation or what to say to him about his kid and marriage.

I will get him to read this post and I'll really appriciate any help you can give me.

I was alone with a kid at twentysix and never felt lost now at thirtynine it seams that I'm in a labyrinth and can't find my way out.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, I really think you're better off without him. Not only because he is a married man, but because of the distance.

 

You don't really KNOW 100% if he is actually telling you the truth, if his marriage is on the rocks. It seems to me that it isn't. He just isn't telling you.

 

I'm sure he cares for you and likes the attention, but for your own sanity, don't pursue this. It's been too long, too many promises not kept and you're getting hurt each time. So many doubts...

 

You'd be better off dating someone who lives close to where you live, not so far away.

[Curmudgeon]

You forgot to add, "and someone single, available and capable of commitment."

[whichwayisup]

Yes I did. I just assumed....Thanks for adding that part in.

[Sami_D]

Hello marianna.

 

My guess, based on what you've written here, is that he does love you, and probably wants to be with you. BUT... and it's a big one... unless he can find a way to cut those ties and do something about a divorce... you're just allowing him to find (partial) relief for his life, just by being there for him. Even if 'being there' is just being on the phone.

 

Sounds a lot like how my situation has been. Met online, MM works away because of how tense it is at home, we've have had periods of lots of contact (I used to go to stay with him during the weeks). AND... MM will NOT do a THING about it unless you take a stand, tell him you can't and won't be there for him on the side any longer.

 

He won't... because it IS hard for them. They're between a rock and a hard place... and while the M is 'over' in all senses except the legal sense (i.e. the relationship between H and W is over), it is far, far easier to stay where they are than to make all sorts of changes in their life, and to hurt their children.

 

So... I don't think you should give up on him necessarily. But... you do have to find the strength, somehow, to make a stand...

 

(see my thread 'How Many Other Women' if you haven't already. It might help... even if you can just look at it and see yourself in it in the mistakes I'm almost certainly making!)

 

Best of luck.

 

edited to add: I think one step you could make is to say you won't see him in June. That will send him a message that you're not going to just be the OW forever.

[marianna]

Hello marianna.

 

My guess, based on what you've written here, is that he does love you, and probably wants to be with you. BUT... and it's a big one... unless he can find a way to cut those ties and do something about a divorce... you're just allowing him to find (partial) relief for his life, just by being there for him. Even if 'being there' is just being on the phone.

 

Sounds a lot like how my situation has been. Met online, MM works away because of how tense it is at home, we've have had periods of lots of contact (I used to go to stay with him during the weeks). AND... MM will NOT do a THING about it unless you take a stand, tell him you can't and won't be there for him on the side any longer.

 

He won't... because it IS hard for them. They're between a rock and a hard place... and while the M is 'over' in all senses except the legal sense (i.e. the relationship between H and W is over), it is far, far easier to stay where they are than to make all sorts of changes in their life, and to hurt their children.

 

So... I don't think you should give up on him necessarily. But... you do have to find the strength, somehow, to make a stand...

 

(see my thread 'How Many Other Women' if you haven't already. It might help... even if you can just look at it and see yourself in it in the mistakes I'm almost certainly making!)

 

Best of luck.

 

edited to add: I think one step you could make is to say you won't see him in June. That will send him a message that you're not going to just be the OW forever.

 

 

 

Thanks for your opinion, exactly what I was thinking.

I did talk to him and explained that he had to make a decision before he goes back to work. His kid is realy hurting and he didn't realize that he had to talk to him about the relationship with mom and all. I guess when he left for Europe he thought that he solved the problem and the kid somehow will understand......oh my

I did recommend him some sites for ideas on how to approach the situation if he decides to leave the marriage.

 

Well by the end of this week I will know for sure. I don't realy know how everything will turn out and strange enough I have no emotions. I think any decision will be for the best and just knowing that I feel releived.