Girls. Talk to me right now

[movinon05]

So?

 

He's trying to get some more sex and fun from you. Hence the roses. Are you so naive?

 

It's not a big deal when you have hidden agenda.

 

 

I wish it were that simple. But sorry, its not. Not knowing what I know.

[movinon05]

My take is that he is upping the ante now, thinking that you will eventually capitulate. I agree. But as I see it, he's priming me. In hindsight, the return of the table was probably a bit of a faux pas. It would have probably drove him crazy if he didn't know if there was any reaction whatsoever.. I disagree. He left the tables on my porch. By returning them, I was saying, no thank you. I will not keep your gifts as reminders of your love for me. If I didn't return them, he would think I was still waiting for him or something to that effect

 

If returning to the way things were back then is not what you want, you must stay strong. I will. I just need to stay in NC. I even know a person that had NC, had a second child with her husband and ended up back with the MM after that. It's almost like you can never let your guard down because the roses and other things like that will wear you down if you do.

That's my problem. I can't let my guard down. I don't know when or where he or something will show up. But I also can't let him know how it affects me. I won't give him the satisfaction.

[movinon05]

[quote=How about sending them and the card to his wife?

 

THAT should get the response you'd like to see!

 

My_Other_I]I like this one. I'm almost sure it would stop him from blackmailing you any further.

 

See, I have no desire to stoop. And I don't need her spreading crap around town blaming this on me. Because she will.

 

I still think putting them back on his truck is the way to go. If there was another way of contacting him short of seeing him or calling him, I would. But this is my only option.

 

My girlfriend said to me: "This has to stop. You have to stop him. He will not stop until you make him." And she is absolutely right. I've been off the emotional rollercoaster for quite awhile and have no desire to go back. And I feel like I'm being pulled back on the ride. Well he can stay on that ride as long as he wants, but I'm not getting on. I don't need this crap in my life. I know I deserve better. That's what I've been striving for all this time. I'm sorry if I'm human and he affects me this way, but yes, I AM HUMAN. I have feelings too. And I need to think about MY feelings. Not his or his wife's any longer. I paid the price. And I'm not going to pay anymore.

 

(Okay, am I sounding stronger yet? lol).

 

Thanks for all your support guys. It really does help. As you can see, I'm getting better already.

[zarathustra]

Hmm. Well this is an option! I did go get the roses. That message would be totally out of character for me! Hmm. I do like it though! lol!

 

I can't guarantee his W would see it because unlike her, I still have no intention of risking involving their son. I do not want to speak to any of these people. I just want him to leave me alone. Period.

 

the f-off would definitely tell him to leave you alone... lol.

 

I can get a bit crass when I'm miffed (and I was a bit miffed on your behalf).

 

I hope whatever you do, you get your message across and he leaves you alone.

[lizad]

MOVINON.......I can imagine how you felt and how shaken up you must have been....just when all is quiet.....there it is. I'm sure that he has never gotten over you even though he can't leave.....one question.....if he did leave and was available what would you do??

just curious......

I finally had the courage to walk away from my OM.....and it feels so incredibly right this time.

I just came back from a family vacation where I had a wonderful time as we always do......I put everything into perspective and realized I was not going to risk losing my husband, my marriage and my children to this OM.

I think I was caught up with the feeling" of being in love with him. funny b/c when I would see him, I got swept away but afterward until the next time i really felt like sh*t.....the anxiety, the stress, etc.....but still couldnt walk away....

I totally do not trust him and never would be able to. he has said he was leaving and such a bunch of times but needless to say he is still there and probably will never go. he is a weak person. Mind you, I never asked him to leave for me ever.......why he insisted on telling me that and telling me how messed up his marriage, I have no idea. the only thing I can think is that he thought that must be what i wanted to here and only wanted to keep this A from ending......

I haven't seen him in almost a month. he did leave a few voicemails and I finally spoke to him and told him it was over. that I wasn't risking my marriage for him, told him to stop calling me. my e-mail address has been closed for a few weeks now so he cant write me. he thinks it is b/c of something he said or did......i tried to explain it's the situation as a whole and that I dont trust him, I think he is a liar and it's time to move on. then what do you know, he calls and leaves another voicemail later on that evening to say how sad he is and how he wants and needs me. I shouldn't be surprised as he is hanging on........he def. needed this relationship more than I did....anyway, it's been quiet now, thank goodness.....and I hope it continues as I plan on not responding to any call I may get.

I guess i went off on a tangent here........he asked me if he was available would it make a difference and I said no.........that's why I asked if you would go back if he became available.........I think whether he does or not, you will always be on his mind and it is flattering to know that and at the same time so upsetting.

you have been very strong......hang on. I hope I can't wait for the time when I can say it's been 16 months of NC........

[Walking away]

MovinOn,

 

You have class and dignity. That is apparent from your posts. I am sure that you will do whatever you feel is right for you in this circumstance. Follow your gut instincts on this and do what feels right for YOU. You have a good head on your shoulders....

 

I am in your corner.

 

Keep your chin up.

WA

[zarathustra]

Okay, am I sounding stronger yet? lol

 

Yes... you are sounding much stronger!

 

What is it with these a-holes that they know that they are losing a grip on you so they try to bait you and see if you'll bite. What utter scum bags.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

I disagree. He left the tables on my porch. By returning them, I was saying, no thank you. I will not keep your gifts as reminders of your love for me. If I didn't return them, he would think I was still waiting for him or something to that effect.

 

Or he would think you gave them to Good Will. Or he would think you chopped them up and burned them in your fireplace over the winter. Or he would think you decided they went well with your couch so you decided to keep them ...

 

Why would he think you not returning a gift -- he doesn't, after all, know you kept it, only that you didn't return it -- why would he interpret that to mean you're still waiting for him? Why give him the satisfaction of knowing what you thought? Why give him the satisfaction of knowing you were so bent out of shape about it that you went out of your way to rectify the situation in a way that made you feel okay about it?

 

I say do nothing at all. Let him wonder whether you hung the roses upside-down and dried them so you could keep them forever, or whether you brushed them off your car when you saw them and left them on the ground in the empty parking spot as you drove away, or whether you gave them to your elderly neighbor. He wanted to get a reaction out of you. Don't give him one.

 

I agree with Blind Illusion. Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all.

[OzGirl]

I have absolute sympathy for what's happened and the feelings you have.

 

I already posted, but now, I guess, if I'm reading it right, you don't want to have anything to do with him ever again, but you want to make that message clear to him, without involving his children, but you don't mind if his wife knows about this particular incident or not.

 

Why don't you just file a protection/restraining order against him (not sure where you're from or what you'd call them)?

 

I think the message will be clear and the outcome will be obtained.

 

Is there any piece of you that thinks the message being from you personally is more important than the message itself? I'm not accusing you - don't read that the wrong way. I've been in this situation and had to assess why I handled things certain ways.

 

I could always have just filled out a form .... game over.

[movinon05]

Well I have slept on it (or should I say lost sleep on it) and came to a conclusion. I have read all your suggestions. Thank you all for your insight. I have made some realizations.

 

I sat and wrote on a piece of paper what I might say. But it started to get a little too long. You have to remember I never got to say anything to him. Or ever tell him how I felt about what he did. So all of that is bottled up inside me and there are no short sentences that would get my message across. It also occurred to me that if I just put "F off", it probably still wouldn't work.

 

You see, every time he left me, I kept NC. And he usually left me in silence, like he did this last time. I didn't rant and rave and plead. When he came back, he always had excuses for the time lapse. But there were two times when he knew he was up the creek and had to battle to get me back. He did everything he could to show me he was serious. He said he understood that I was mad and I had every right to be, but he would do "anything" and "everything" to show me. Which he would do for awhile, and then fall off again.

 

So it occurs to me, that it doesn't matter what I do. He knows its been 16 months. He knows I would be in the place that I am at and that he is going to have to "do the work" to get me back. So I think he is on a mission.

 

The other thing is, I have always taken what was given to me. I was a punching bag for his W, whether physically or verbally. But I never fought back. I just took it and walked away and always left him protected. And with him, I just walked away quietly in my mind, until he showed up again.

 

I need to do what WA said and some others on this board. I need to do what is best for ME this time. And this time has to be different. Because I am different. And I refuse to be treated this way by her or him.

 

My concern now is that he will be back again. I now know this. The time is drawing closer for him to make his exit (or appear to be making his exit) and he's prepping me. The only thing is, when the day comes that he appears before me, and tells me he is planning on leaving, I have to make it clear to him that it doesn't matter if he leaves or not. I will not take him back. (That answers your question, Lizad). Then he will do whatever. Because he always said that he needed me to be there if he was to leave. If I am not there, he will either stay or leave and then try to prove to me that he is going forward with the divorce. His kids will be gone. They are grownups now. It will be just him and her. He will find more strength to do it.

 

So I realize I now have to prepare myself for his next move and the next, and then for the day that he appears face to face to plead his case. Personally, I do not want this. I am better not having to see him or look at him or talk to him. I cannot give him any options.

 

I think that I have shown him that I am not afraid anymore, by putting the tables on his lawn. But he obviously didn't get the message. I don't think he's afraid of his W at all, if this is what he is planning. Of course, I could be wrong. But I don't think I am.

 

Perhaps I'm over analyzing this. But as I've said before, I know him too well now. And mostly, I am sad. Just very very sad. I'll let you know what I do with the flowers. It just seems that its not going to matter what I do at this point.

[Sami_D]

movingon,

 

If it were me, I'd look at it this way:

 

It doesn't matter if he's 'prepping' you. You know what you want, and what you don't want. What he wants DOESN'T matter any longer. What he does doesn't matter any more. You're free of him.

 

Get yourself ready to face him, if that is what you think will happen. Or, if you think you can't deal with that, then GET that restraining order on him, if necessary.

 

IF you think he needs one last message from you before you get a restraining order. Then find some way to write to him, plainly and simply, that you've moved on, and that you no longer want any contact with him. No explanations. End of message.

[curly]

My MM was waiting until the youngest left for college to leave. we became involved after the freshman year. He still hadn't left. It took him a total of 2.5 years til he finally left. Since then, he & I have been back & forth. He's never sure if he can be the right man for me... he's hurt me so much and he feels guilty.... there are still issues he's working out with the wife... I'm constantly suspicious of his every move, etc. The list goes on and on..... He is not back with W, but I'm so nervous that he'll go running back.

 

Regardless, the fact that his kids are gone does not change him. It might take a long while before he realizes what he wants. And what about the excuse that his W is going to go through 'empty nest" syndrome.... Brand new excuse for not leaving just yet.

 

Don't hold on to any hope on this one. Good luck. And realize that you have a BF in your life now that you are enjoying. Don't step backwards.

[movinon05]

I'm really not holding onto hope. And of course, I'm sure I would also hear the excuse that they now have two kids in college, if nothing else. Or perhaps I'll give HIM his excuse by mentioning it, should this happen.

 

Whatever. As I rode to work with the flowers in my back seat, I just gave up on even bothering to try to do something. I threw them in the trash. I just don't have the energy for this right now.

 

The good thing was, I didn't cry this time, like I did with the tables. I can't help that I shake. It's just what he does to me.

 

I'm trying guys. I really am. Thanks a heap.

[zarathustra]

I'm really not holding onto hope. And of course, I'm sure I would also hear the excuse that they now have two kids in college, if nothing else. Or perhaps I'll give HIM his excuse by mentioning it, should this happen.

 

Whatever. As I rode to work with the flowers in my back seat, I just gave up on even bothering to try to do something. I threw them in the trash. I just don't have the energy for this right now.

 

The good thing was, I didn't cry this time, like I did with the tables. I can't help that I shake. It's just what he does to me.

 

I'm trying guys. I really am. Thanks a heap.

 

You are doing great! Each day you sound stronger and stronger.

[movinon05]

You are doing great! Each day you sound stronger and stronger.

 

Well today I'm not feeling real strong. Just kind of depressed. But, whatcha gonna do? Gotta go with the flow. I seem to be on my own little rollercoaster with this one.

[target-d]

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think about the fact that maybe there was a chance we could have what we'd always dreamed of, but it just takes me time to work through reminding myself of the lies, deception, jealousy, manipulation, etc.

 

excuse me here, but I think maybe it's what YOU always dreamed of. It sounds like what HE always dreamed of was having you at his beck and call and on his time table.

 

and congratulations to you for not letting him do that anymore

[zarathustra]

Well today I'm not feeling real strong. Just kind of depressed. But, whatcha gonna do? Gotta go with the flow. I seem to be on my own little rollercoaster with this one.

 

It sucks because you were so happy last Friday. I hope you will be able to get back to that point soon.

 

When I'm feeling depressed about my own situation, I just keep reminding myself that he left me out to dry. I hate thinking that someone who claimed to love me can be so heartless, but he was that heartless towards me. I'm not angry about it anymore, but it builds a little armour around my heart and hopefully, it will keep him out of my life for good.

[movinon05]

It sucks because you were so happy last Friday. I hope you will be able to get back to that point soon.

 

When I'm feeling depressed about my own situation, I just keep reminding myself that he left me out to dry. I hate thinking that someone who claimed to love me can be so heartless, but he was that heartless towards me. I'm not angry about it anymore, but it builds a little armour around my heart and hopefully, it will keep him out of my life for good.

 

I know, I was thinking about that earlier. I really was happy last week and strong. And that's what I have to give myself the time to do. If he would just leave me alone.

 

I pretty much stopped being angry when he didn't leave last time. Because I was not surprised. I just didn't like how he handled it. I got to the point of accepting it being over and really focusing on my kids, on me and my future. And I realize I can do that. I just need him out of my life and I need to get out of this town and far away. But I can't yet! So I'm stuck in this mired little town dealing with it everyday. oh byuck!

[movinon05]

excuse me here, but I think maybe it's what YOU always dreamed of. It sounds like what HE always dreamed of was having you at his beck and call and on his time table.

 

and congratulations to you for not letting him do that anymore

 

 

Fair enough. I'm not going to argue this one. And thanks.

[lizad]

hang in there movinon.........as long as you know what YOU want, you can be strong. somewhere I read that the first step is to make a decision and that you have. the article said make that enough right now that you made a decision and the easy part will come soon enough. after a time you can look back and say......"what was I thinking".....

I know what I did was wrong but I am not going to beat myself up. I don't regret the A....b/c somehow things happen for a reason and I am prob. happier than I have been in a long long time with myself and my marriage. I did go to thearpy to work out my own issues and my own reasons for stepping outside my marriage.....

Now that I got the strength to break the addiction to the OM, time will heal. Not to say I dont think about him but that is normal. I feel what I feel and then I move on.....and leave it as just a feeling.

I am assuming as the days, months, etc....go on, the memories get a little more distant.

On that note though, I can totally relate to how you feld hearing from him b/c If I were to hear in the next few months, I am sure that it would throw me for a loop.

Just be strong in your convictions.........you deserve a lot better.

[movinon05]

hang in there movinon.........as long as you know what YOU want, you can be strong. somewhere I read that the first step is to make a decision and that you have. the article said make that enough right now that you made a decision and the easy part will come soon enough. after a time you can look back and say......"what was I thinking".....

I know what I did was wrong but I am not going to beat myself up. I don't regret the A....b/c somehow things happen for a reason and I am prob. happier than I have been in a long long time with myself and my marriage. I did go to thearpy to work out my own issues and my own reasons for stepping outside my marriage.....

Now that I got the strength to break the addiction to the OM, time will heal. Not to say I dont think about him but that is normal. I feel what I feel and then I move on.....and leave it as just a feeling.

I am assuming as the days, months, etc....go on, the memories get a little more distant.

On that note though, I can totally relate to how you feld hearing from him b/c If I were to hear in the next few months, I am sure that it would throw me for a loop.

Just be strong in your convictions.........you deserve a lot better.

 

Yes, the memories do become more distant. AS LONG AS THERE IS NC and not giving into contact either. I don't need this temporary relapse in my life, truly. And I am calling it temporary. Because I can't move forward if I don't.

 

Its kind of like losing weight. You lose those pounds and deprive yourself of certain good foods. Then you feel guilty for a relapse because you ate some french fries! Its a relapse. But you get right back on the horse again and don't berate yourself for eating those fries. That is my goal for right now. I'm not happy with my reaction to all this. Sometimes it just takes time. I just got suckered punch is all.