quankanne Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 most of the people I've known who've lived together before marriage are still married. we're basing our opinion on what empirical evidence we've seen. In my case, not a lot of the cohabitating couples I've known have gone on to marriage – it was more about "I love him, we're moving in together because we want to save money too, and we're planning on getting married anyway," then that couple ended up split up. Of course, it didn't help that these girls were serial cohabitators … there was no real incentive to NOT shack up with a boyfriend, you know? Have you ever driven through the mountains pulling a heavy U-Haul with a car whose brake lines were being cut from the weight of the trailer because the hitch was not properly attached? Oh what fun! hee hee ... my mom did it with six kids between the ages of one and 13, moving from Oregon to Texas while my dad was stationed in Vietnam. I don't remember any of this (I was the toddler), but my sister said she remembers that Mama had planned the trip so that the kids could see the Grand Canyon on the way down.
catgirl1927 Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I think that your level of commitment is personal. Married or not.
glittergurl Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I no longer believe in marriage or living together. Ok, and you have the right not to, but this opinion is based on your personal experience. Why would you want to be on someone's ass 24/7/365??? Again, this is question is based on YOUR personal past experience. My husband and I actually enjoy being on each other's ass 24/7/365, and have been for the past 3 years, and we could definitely keep it going for a few more decades. The best relationships are ones where both parties have their own crib. Please don't generalize. Did I mention that this is YOUR personal choice, based on YOUR personal experience? I think a lot of couples live together due to finances. Its much cheaper for two to live under the same roof. Now this is plain insulting. There's really no point in insulting those who actually love each other's presence, by pulling out your financial argument. That' just an ignorant thing to say. Which is AGAIN based on YOUR personal experience. **sigh** Please stop generalizing so much
blind_otter Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Now this is plain insulting. There's really no point in insulting those who actually love each other's presence, by pulling out your financial argument. That' just an ignorant thing to say. Which is AGAIN based on YOUR personal experience. **sigh** Please stop generalizing so much I thought all opinions were based on personal experience! And I don't see how that comment is insulting. My BF and I have separate houses and yeah it would be cheaper to live together. it's just like, a fact. One house is cheaper to maintain than two. I'm just sayin.
glittergurl Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 True, it does cut down expenses. But there is a difference between saying it's an advantage, and saying it's everybody's main motivation. And yes, I'm aware that most of everybody's comments are based on their own experience; but again, there's a difference between sharing your opinions & experiences, and generalizing like a fool.
tikigods Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 The other thing you have to really think about though is that some people are happy to live together AND NEVER get married at all. WE havesome older friends who have both been married twice and have grown children. They have been together for over 8 years now, own a million dollar home and never ever plan on getting married to eachother, but they love eachother and are happy with where they are in life. That doesn't mean that their relationship is any worse then people who are married though, it just means they been down that path before. As for losing out on expereiences, I honestly don't see what you miss out on, if you are together for a long time anyway chances are you will share a bed, you will see eachother after waking up, and all the other little things, living together just gives you better insight to just who this person is when they aren't on a date, when there are no walls around them. If you can't live with someone I can't see why you would be able to stay married to them (meaning if they are a slob and it drives you up the wall or something along that line)
quankanne Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 **sigh** Please stop generalizing so much didn't intend that as an insult, truly. I apologize. to rephrase, a lot of the people I've known who have lived together have done so because they felt it was cheaper to combine expenses; that they loved each other justified their decision, even though none of those folks I've known have ended up married to the person they lived with. My thought – based on what I've seen in relationships I personally know of – is that a lot of times these girls jump into living together because that's how things are done. So there doesn't even appear to be the commitment of couplehood, just a nice warm body to pay rent and who my friends can boink on a regular basis. whew! :bunny:
Pyro Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I no longer believe in marriage or living together. Why would you want to be on someone's ass 24/7/365??? Just because two people are living together doesn't mean that they are on each others as$ every single waking moment. Some couples have different work schedules, some couples have hobbies that they spend time apart to interact in, and some couples have there own friends in which they may go out with them. So its not an around the clock togetherness. Personally, I like the idea of sharing a bed with my S.O.
alphamale Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Just because two people are living together doesn't mean that they are on each others as$ every single waking moment. maybe not time-wise but both are answerable to each other 24/7/365 Personally, I like the idea of sharing a bed with my S.O. so do I....as long as she goes home after breakfast
HokeyReligions Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 maybe not time-wise but both are answerable to each other 24/7/365 I understand what you mean. The hardest part to get used to when we began living together was remembering to call and let each other know that we would be late or were going out. We don't look at it as reporting to each other, but as a courtesy because we know the one home will worry. For us it is courtesy. But everyone looks at it differently. I think my husband's answer when one of his friends called him 'hen-pecked' was "No, I'M a gentlemen and respect her feelings too, and I'm here aren't I?" which shut his friend up! My answer to a similar question from my friends was "he loves me, I don't want him to worry about me" which shut her up! But I can see where some may look on it as a restriction of their freedom - the ball-and-chain syndrome! A good topic for a discussion before a couple makes a commitment to each other.
SmoochieFace Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 But I can see where some may look on it as a restriction of their freedom - the ball-and-chain syndrome! People who view living together and marriage in the context of *ball and chain* certainly do not have to elect for that lifestyle. At the same time, however, they should not down those who do choose it and also should not make silly generalisations about it.
HokeyReligions Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Quote: I no longer believe in marriage or living together. Ok, and you have the right not to, but this opinion is based on your personal experience. Isn't everyone's? Quote: Why would you want to be on someone's ass 24/7/365??? Again, this is question is based on YOUR personal past experience. My husband and I actually enjoy being on each other's ass 24/7/365, and have been for the past 3 years, and we could definitely keep it going for a few more decades. Boy! We read this in different ways. I thought it more of a rhetorical question - and one for thought. Everyone will answer it differently. Quote: The best relationships are ones where both parties have their own crib. Please don't generalize. Did I mention that this is YOUR personal choice, based on YOUR personal experience? Not sure how this is generalizing. Its an opinion. Maybe it would have read differently if the poster prefaced it with IMO. Quote: I think a lot of couples live together due to finances. Its much cheaper for two to live under the same roof. Now this is plain insulting. There's really no point in insulting those who actually love each other's presence, by pulling out your financial argument. That' just an ignorant thing to say. Which is AGAIN based on YOUR personal experience. How is this insulting? I agree that there ARE a lot of couples who live together due to finances. That has no reflection on couples who live together for other reasons. ???
alphamale Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 But I can see where some may look on it as a restriction of their freedom - the ball-and-chain syndrome! yes this is what I mean. I was married for 3 yrs so I know a bit about this. On of the things I hated about marriage was the almost total loss of privacy and having to deal with someone in your space most of the time. I love my independence and I love women but I don't want one around 100% of the time. Maybe 50% of the time would be good. Since my divorce I've had three offers from previous girlfiriends to live together and I declined all three. One of the reasons was because it would be much harder to hook up with new women if I was living with one already. Variety is the spice of life
HokeyReligions Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 lobsterbabe, what are your thoughts after having read so many opinions?
Author lobsterbabe Posted April 26, 2006 Author Posted April 26, 2006 lobsterbabe, what are your thoughts after having read so many opinions? I'm still undecided. I like my privacy. I like to have my space. I like to be able to be me. When I'm at his house, I cannot completely let my guard down. You know, I have to be ladylike all the time --- I cannot fart in front of him. I cannot let him see me take a #2. I like to sleep in until afternoon on weekends (he wakes up real early). I'm a couch potato and wants to just watch tv after a long, hard day at work (he likes to do stuff around the house all the time --- I don't want him to think I'm being lazy). Sometimes, I just don't feel like cooking and would rather eat pizza -- I feel like I have to cook all the time (even though he doesn't really insist on that, but still). Oh and he freaks out (jokingly of course) when I put on hot rollers on my hair... I wonder what he will think if he sees me with all the creams I put on my face or tweeze/pluck my eyebrows or shave my legs. Sometimes, I just don't feel like shaving. You know, things like that. Sorry if this is TMI. At the same time, I like being with him (and vice versa). We do stuff together. And we both love and care about each other alot. We have gone through so much and our relationship now is stronger than before. Like I said, I practically live there. It would be the most logical thing to do. I just don't want to move in for financial reasons (although it is very tempting). At this point, I am having some problems and he's offering, but I told him I have about a month to really think about moving in with him. I have a friend who's been with her bf for 6 years and have been living together for a while. And he still hasn't proposed to her yet. And she's been waiting forever. I don't want to be like her. I want to get married.
alphamale Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I have a friend who's been with her bf for 6 years and have been living together for a while. And he still hasn't proposed to her yet. And he never will...why should he buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free? In other words, he has no incentive to marry her. And she's been waiting forever. I don't want to be like her. I want to get married. Then don't live together. It will be the kiss of death for your marriage prospects.
Pyro Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 But I can see where some may look on it as a restriction of their freedom - the ball-and-chain syndrome! A good topic for a discussion before a couple makes a commitment to each other. Exactly, discussion! The one's who complain about a S.O. being nothing more than a ball and chain are the one's who are not willing to sit down and talk to there S.O. and tell them how they feel.
bab Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 My husband and I actually enjoy being on each other's ass 24/7/365, and have been for the past 3 years, and we could definitely keep it going for a few more decades. Wait, I thought your husband was frequently gone for months at a time? I'm confused.
bab Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 My BF and I have separate houses and yeah it would be cheaper to live together. it's just like, a fact. One house is cheaper to maintain than two. Off topic: I probably missed the thread, but did the two of you get back together??
bab Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I'm still undecided. I like my privacy. I like to have my space. I like to be able to be me. When I'm at his house, I cannot completely let my guard down. You know, I have to be ladylike all the time --- I cannot fart in front of him. I cannot let him see me take a #2. I like to sleep in until afternoon on weekends (he wakes up real early). I'm a couch potato and wants to just watch tv after a long, hard day at work (he likes to do stuff around the house all the time --- I don't want him to think I'm being lazy). Sometimes, I just don't feel like cooking and would rather eat pizza -- I feel like I have to cook all the time (even though he doesn't really insist on that, but still). Oh and he freaks out (jokingly of course) when I put on hot rollers on my hair... I wonder what he will think if he sees me with all the creams I put on my face or tweeze/pluck my eyebrows or shave my legs. Sometimes, I just don't feel like shaving. You know, things like that. Sorry if this is TMI. At the same time, I like being with him (and vice versa). We do stuff together. And we both love and care about each other alot. We have gone through so much and our relationship now is stronger than before. Like I said, I practically live there. It would be the most logical thing to do. I just don't want to move in for financial reasons (although it is very tempting). At this point, I am having some problems and he's offering, but I told him I have about a month to really think about moving in with him. I have a friend who's been with her bf for 6 years and have been living together for a while. And he still hasn't proposed to her yet. And she's been waiting forever. I don't want to be like her. I want to get married. Except for the last paragraph, you fears of living together don't seem to have anything to do with being married or not. Why do you think you will be less likely to have these fears if you are married first?
radiation7740 Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 yes this is what I mean. I was married for 3 yrs so I know a bit about this. On of the things I hated about marriage was the almost total loss of privacy and having to deal with someone in your space most of the time. I love my independence and I love women but I don't want one around 100% of the time. Maybe 50% of the time would be good. Since my divorce I've had three offers from previous girlfiriends to live together and I declined all three. One of the reasons was because it would be much harder to hook up with new women if I was living with one already. Variety is the spice of life Amen. On the night that my ex wanted to reconcile she talked about prospects of us living together and eventually marriage but I declined her offer. I even declined her offer to try again. But that's another story. In my teens and early twenties I wanted a woman around me 100% of the time but I have grown out of that stage. I'm 25 years old now and I love my independent life. Now I prefer women to be around no more than 30% of the time. If I ever date again then I would prefer my gf to be around no more than 30% of the time. I like having my space 70% of the time. I have lots of activities to kill time when I'm not working. I have friends to hang out with. I don't want to feel obligated to report or answer to anybody. You get the best of both worlds by dating exclusively for an indefinite period of time without moving in together. I usually question the motives of any woman who asks me to live with her or marry her. If we live together then we would end up smothering each other and never give each other the opportunity to miss each other. The best relationships are those where 2 people are usually missing each other. I'd rather miss my gf than be smothered and I think she would feel the same way. Living together or marriage will not make the relationship better. The only reason to get married is if you are having kids.
Guest Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 I no longer believe in marriage or living together. Why would you want to be on someone's ass 24/7/365??? It makes no sense. The best relationships are ones where both parties have their own crib. I think a lot of couples live together due to finances. Its much cheaper for two to live under the same roof. I would agree, except I'm not good at cleaning, cooking, or laundry.
amblin Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 Personally, I don't like the whole idea of living together before marriage. Mainly because, the way I see it, a lot of youth these days just move in together for the sake of "fun" and not with a serious future in mind with their partner. I don't like the idea that my future husband could have been living with 2 or 3 or 4 different gfs all before me (and not managed to marry any one of them). My bf isn't opposed to it but then all his brothers have lived with every serious gf they've had, so it's not surprising he feels the same way. However, he's also seen all of them have bad breakups, made all the more messier with the baggage of living together and dividing up crap and deciding who gets kicked out and who doesn't. Doesn't appeal to me, and as I said before, I don't like accumulated history of live-in partners and never having gotten to the altar. I suppose for the people I've known and seen that have done this, the main reason why they broke up is because the guy was a committment phobe and couldn't bring himself to putting a ring on his girl's finger. Also, they were all young (less than 25) and I think this contributed to this. Young people blab on so much about how much they enjoy their freedom and bitch about it when they feel constrained, so I don't understand why they would willingly want to constrain themselves by insisting on moving in together at such a young age. Living together is practically like being married (and luckily with these guys, at least not with the added bonus of kids!), and then when they realise it's practically signing a secret deal for a future engagement, they bolt! The worst thing is when they just continue to move in with every single future SO they have and eventually breaking the union, never realising their partner left because they were such a committment phobe! Why committ to something so serious together when you know it's not likely you'll seal the deal?
starlet Posted May 5, 2006 Posted May 5, 2006 I lived with an ex for several years - and I wouldn't recommend it, and wouldn't do it again. If only for the fact that if you break up, trying to move out and deal with your breakup (or worse, having to live there for a bit until you can find an apartment or something) is perhaps the worst thing ever. It was horrible. I would be totally terrified that would happen to me again. I too also think that extending living together - or living together without getting engaged, does have an effect on whether you get engaged or not. I dont know why that is, exactly, but now I just do.
Recommended Posts