Author lobsterbabe Posted April 26, 2006 Author Posted April 26, 2006 It's so nice to hear different answers from everybody. I am torn about this as I am currently deciding whether to move in with my bf or not. I have never lived with someone before. I thought I'd wait before I get married. people who live together before getting married have a higher divorce rate than people who don't live togehter before marriage. This I know as well. That's why I'm hesitant to take his offer. At the same time, a lot of people in here make good points about learning whether you're compatible with somebody, and the only way to find that out is by living with them. I practically live with my bf as I spend most of my time there. So I'm confused right now.
Walk Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I enjoy cohabiting with my SO, although we've had some rocky times attempting to establish our own identities in the same space. There were aspects of him that I wouldn't have ever known without living with him, and vice versa. I also enjoy the decrease in expenses, the feeling of a united front, seeing the idiosyncrasies that make someone special, and I learned what level his willingness to blend me into his life was. How important are my "things" in relation to his. Whether it was equal or less.. Like my ex, he wanted me to throw away all my furniture because his was better. It was, but mine had sentimental value. I wouldn't have known these aspects if we hadn't lived together and attempted to intermingle our things. And theoretically, keeping his and tossing mine is a small thing, but in the end he viewed the whole relationship like that. Money, bills, problems... So I learned to see the smaller signs that show how a person thinks. Besides, if the guy I'm with thinks my stuff is crap, then he's probably too materialistic for me anyway. (they don't usually come out and say your stuff is crap unless it threatens to replace his.)
blind_otter Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 people who live together before getting married have a higher divorce rate than people who don't live togehter before marriage. Yeah, but there are all these other reasons for that that are never controlled for in those studies. Like the whole thing abotu arranged marriages not ending in divorce as much as love matches. Well, of course, people who consent to arranged marriages tend to come from cultures where divorce is taboo...
catgirl1927 Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I'm not a big believer in studies, because you can always make a study say whatever you want it to. If your goal is to prove that living together before marriage is bad, you're going to be able to find a study to show that.
dgiirl Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Yeah, but there are all these other reasons for that that are never controlled for in those studies. Like the whole thing abotu arranged marriages not ending in divorce as much as love matches. Well, of course, people who consent to arranged marriages tend to come from cultures where divorce is taboo... exactly, and those who tend to wait to live together after marriage are probably more religious and divorce is taboo. There's all these stats out there that really dont mean anything. Like "Women are more likely to file for a divorce". When I read these stats it was on a page talking about walkaway wife syndrome, thus implying that most woman walk away from their marriages and file for a divorce. In my case, it was absolutely not true. My husband left, and after 5 months of waiting for him to draw up papers and him coming up with an excuse week after week for 5 months, I filed. Does that mean I walked away from my marriage? Not at all! He abandoned me and left me to clean up the mess. If I didnt file for a divorce, I bet it still wouldnt be done!
grateful Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 So far so good. We've even already purchased the house so I guess we are as close to playing married as possible. I've got cold feet about the wedding though - - what if he turns in to one of those husbands that never "helps" me with the house or has to be talked into "babysitting" his own child (when we have one)? I mean right now house chores are 50/50 and when we've babysat other people's kids its more like 40/60 (him doing the 60%, I'm bad with kids and he's excellent). Seems like I'm getting all the good stuff now, so maybe I should try to avoid marrying.
blind_otter Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Hah. The thing I like about just living together is that he can leave and go to his house for a while. When I was married I made my exH have his own bedroom. He didn't sleep there all the time but sometimes I was just like, get out of my face for 20 minutes PLEASE.
alphamale Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I no longer believe in marriage or living together. Why would you want to be on someone's ass 24/7/365??? It makes no sense. The best relationships are ones where both parties have their own crib. I think a lot of couples live together due to finances. Its much cheaper for two to live under the same roof.
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Yeah, that's what married folks do. Follow eachother around the house when at home, ya get NO space, nor can you do ANYTHING without the other person...Sure... I think a lot of couples live together due to finances. Its much cheaper for two to live under the same roof. This is true, but many don't decide to live together for that ONE reason. Uhmm, what about wanting to live with someone because you love them and want to just live with them.
Walk Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I'm not a big believer in studies, because you can always make a study say whatever you want it to. If your goal is to prove that living together before marriage is bad, you're going to be able to find a study to show that. Singer and Grismaijer found that the odds of getting breast cancer dramatically increased with bra-wearing over 12 hours per day. I love this study... even though it wasn't a controlled study, didn't take into consideration any other risk factors, or hereditary factors for cancer, they proclaim this is a valid study. I have a hard time believing studies at all.
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 This I know as well. That's why I'm hesitant to take his offer. At the same time, a lot of people in here make good points about learning whether you're compatible with somebody, and the only way to find that out is by living with them. I practically live with my bf as I spend most of my time there. So I'm confused right now. There is a period of adjustment, getting used to eachother, learning about boundries and how much time to actually spend together. It's like the honeymoon phase all over again, so eventually life just settles in and you two will just get used to it. Don't be too confused. Just because you two move in together doesn't mean your relationship will end! You just have to learn how to 'be' together in the same house, yet feel comfortable to do your own thing and not feel like each of you have to 'entertain' the other person.
SmoochieFace Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Why would you want to be on someone's ass 24/7/365??? It makes no sense. You're right - it doesn't make sense. Most people have jobs and other activities going on so they aren't *on someone's ass 24/7/365*. What DOES make sense is that some couples want to live together simply because they love each other and enjoy spending time with each other during the times when they aren't at work or involved in other activities.
catgirl1927 Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Yes, my boyfriend told me that he'd heard there was a study that proved sleeping naked was better for you and made you a happier person. I asked him who did this fascinating study. He said, he did the study the night before, and it did in fact make him happier if I slept naked, and as such, all jammies should be banned. He is also of the opinion that wearing jammies makes the Easter Bunny cry. That's my take on studies.
quankanne Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 don't believe in living together, though sleep-overs are dandy to me, cohabitation is more of a case of "I love you and want to be with you, but not enough to marry you." I know each situation is different, but most folks who live together don't have a goal beyond shared expenses. And one is bound to be looking at the permanency thing more seriously than the other. with marriage, the commitment has done been made, you're now learning how to mesh two lives without that backup thought of "well, if it doesn't work out, I can always leave." The stakes are higher, so you tend to think through things more carefully because of that bond of matrimony.
Art_Critic Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Why would you want to be on someone's ass 24/7/365??? It's all about priorities and we all know those change and are different for each person
Walk Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Yeah, that's what married folks do. Follow eachother around the house when at home, ya get NO space, nor can you do ANYTHING without the other person...Sure.... We set up our spare bedroom as the "safety zone". If either of us gets on the last nerve, or just wants some alone time, we go up there. We've got games, a computer, a day bed, reading material, anything you might want to do or just do nothing... It works for us. I think it's more mental then anything, because we really don't use it much. It's knowing you have the option to get space if you want it, rather then actually taking it. Just the option of it. A perceived freedom within the relationship.
HokeyReligions Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I never believed in it - my upbringing told me it was wrong and I was uncomfortable with the idea of it. Having said that, when I was engaged circumstances led us to live togther before marriage. Our apartment leases were up at different times and my mom was moving from TX to CA and hubby had some financial problems so he actually moved into an apartment with mom and I for a while before his new place was ready. Then when my apartment lease was up my mom stayed with my brother for a few months and hubby and I moved in together. It was weird in a way because we DID keep putting off the actual marriage. I finally ended up forcing the date because I wanted my mother to be there and she was moving in a week! So we got married and a week later I left on a 10-day trip with mom -- leaving new hubby behind with the dogs! Mom and I drove to Modesto by way of the Grand Canyon and had a little vacation of our own. Have you ever driven through the mountains pulling a heavy U-Haul with a car whose brake lines were being cut from the weight of the trailer because the hitch was not properly attached? Oh what fun! Anyway, while my comfort level and beliefs were that people shouldn't live together before marriage - I did it and after we were married nothing really changed except the paperwork and the finances being joint. But we both went into it knowing that we were going to get married and not with the idea of "lets see how this goes before we decide to get married" attitude. THAT makes a big difference.
HokeyReligions Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 We set up our spare bedroom as the "safety zone". If either of us gets on the last nerve, or just wants some alone time, we go up there. We've got games, a computer, a day bed, reading material, anything you might want to do or just do nothing... It works for us. I think it's more mental then anything, because we really don't use it much. It's knowing you have the option to get space if you want it, rather then actually taking it. Just the option of it. A perceived freedom within the relationship. LOL! We have that too. Everyone needs some alone time.
Walk Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 Yes, my boyfriend told me that he'd heard there was a study that proved sleeping naked was better for you and made you a happier person. I asked him who did this fascinating study. He said, he did the study the night before, and it did in fact make him happier if I slept naked, and as such, all jammies should be banned. He is also of the opinion that wearing jammies makes the Easter Bunny cry. That's my take on studies. :lmao: OMG! I have GOT TO use this on my bf!!!! This is hillarious!
HokeyReligions Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I disagree that if you live together first there's nothing to look forward to. How sad is that? If sharing a bathroom is the highlight of your married life? Buwhahah! One highlight of our marriage is that when we bought our house we made sure we had two bathrooms - one for each of us!
grateful Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I know each situation is different, but most folks who live together don't have a goal beyond shared expenses. And one is bound to be looking at the permanency thing more seriously than the other. I disagree. Most people I've known who've lived together were on the path to marriage or lifetime commitment (aside from the random kids in college who merged their dorm rooms or got an apartment together while doing other irresponsible things like using their financial aid checks to buy stereo equipment and coke). Also, most of the people I've known who've lived together before marriage are still married.
HokeyReligions Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 So far so good. We've even already purchased the house so I guess we are as close to playing married as possible. I've got cold feet about the wedding though - - what if he turns in to one of those husbands that never "helps" me with the house or has to be talked into "babysitting" his own child (when we have one)? I mean right now house chores are 50/50 and when we've babysat other people's kids its more like 40/60 (him doing the 60%, I'm bad with kids and he's excellent). Seems like I'm getting all the good stuff now, so maybe I should try to avoid marrying. These are all things you should discuss together before marriage. He probably has fears too.
grateful Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 These are all things you should discuss together before marriage. He probably has fears too. It was a cow/milk joke flipped to read from a woman's perspective. We have talked about these issues. He is the one that gets angry when he hears other men say things like "I can't hang out, I have to babysit on Saturday so the wife can go shopping," while referring to their own children. It's not babysitting, it's parenting!
HokeyReligions Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 I don't understand the difference between living together before or after marriage. I mean; you don't become different people after you're married. Technically speaking, whether you live together before or after you sign those papers, make absolutely no difference. So I just don't understand people who say they'd rather wait. No matter when you move in, it's definitely gonna be fun and new in the beginning; so, does it really matter if that beginning matches your wedding day? Its a psychological thing for some people. One person I worked with lived with her guy for 10 years or so and they got married. It seemed like everything changed for both of them. They got a divorce - stayed apart for a while, then moved back in together without the marriage license. They've been together nearly 30 years now. Being married made a difference to them that they couldn't put their finger on.
blind_otter Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 IMO there are too many unknowns if you marry someone without living with them first. But I realize that not everyone has been f***ed over to the extent that I have, so I know I'm cynical.
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