tinktronik Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I have a long time friend , I met her in the battered womens shelter years ago.The whole experience of being there , was pretty awful and I just didn't seem to fit there , I had a good head on my shoulders and just wanted out of my abusive marrige, the other ladies had a long history of leaving and going back, I just didn't connect with any of them. Then S moved in , Her H had taken off with their son after pulling a knife on her, she still had her daughter with her, he'd been long time controlling . We worked at the same job but didn't know each other. She had spunk and didn't seem the type to lay down and take it or make excusses for her H , much like myself, we just clicked. We got our lives together on the same track, got homes , stayed at work , took care of our kids , got enrolled in school, and became really close.Then both of our lives began to fall apart at the same time , we both got laid off from the job in the same broad layoff, started to struggle even harder to pay bills , her car broke down then was repossessed , and my ex came and took mine , She got pregnant by some guy she was casually dating and I drove her 300 miles to get her to a clinic for an abortion in a friends car. My ex took my kids from daycare one day and I had no legal recourse to get them back, I could have taken them ( but what good would that do the kids ,shuffle shuffle) . I found new housing arrangements , and she went back to her husband. Over years, weve stayed in contact via phone , her life , she pretends everything is okay but every now and then I'll get the call, "he's cheating , he dosn't come home at night, he knocked me around, he called me such n such." She hasn't stayed in school ,she had another baby with him so shes put off doing anything else with her life on his word that one day after all the kids and him don't need her anymore she can move forward. I think shes taking a huge risk . She turned 30 this year , and I can just see her at 40 getting divorced and at the same place she was when I met her . It frustrates me so much. I've told her come here , bring the kids , I'll help my so will help , I have nothing else to offer . I'm thinking of letting go of the friendship b/c it saddens me to see her life just going by while she deals with her H and does nothing for herself. I don't know what the solution is , I can't make her do anything , but I've waited . I know the potential she has, shes an amazing artist , but he says paint is a waste of money then goes out and buys himself another suit . Do I just continue to be her friend or back away?
jerbear Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 My thoughts are to keep the friendship door open and let her goto you. You reduce your contact to her. It is something you can help but not decide for her. Keep in some form of contact with her to make sure someone out there still cares.
kitten chick Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 My thoughts are to keep the friendship door open and let her goto you. You reduce your contact to her. It is something you can help but not decide for her. Keep in some form of contact with her to make sure someone out there still cares. I think that's good advice jerbear. Sounds like a tough situation to be in Tink.
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 My thoughts are to keep the friendship door open and let her goto you. You reduce your contact to her. It is something you can help but not decide for her. Keep in some form of contact with her to make sure someone out there still cares. Good one, Jer! I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. Just because someone isn't living their life they way you think they should, doesn't mean you should end your friendship. I think anyways. Now, if ther choices were hurting YOU and putting YOU in danger, that would be a good reason.
Author tinktronik Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 I realize her choices aren't hurting me net physically anyway maybe emotionally . I just get so frustrated with her .It probably is the right descision to leave the door open for friendship.Its really hard to continue to be kind and understanding when sometimes I just want to tell her "why are you doing this to yourself, I know you better than this ." Thankyou for the advice.
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I realize her choices aren't hurting me net physically anyway maybe emotionally . I just get so frustrated with her .It probably is the right descision to leave the door open for friendship.Its really hard to continue to be kind and understanding when sometimes I just want to tell her "why are you doing this to yourself, I know you better than this ." Thankyou for the advice. Well you could say that, couldn't you? In a nice way? When you think about it, maybe you just feel like the friendship is skewed because she is so needy and you don't feel you can speak your mind freely to her? That's a different animal entirely. Maybe you should explore what it is about the relationship that you specifically dislike, b/c I don't think it's her situation -- but the way she deals with it, which can also affect the way she deals with other relationships? Avoidant?
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Misery loves company and the fact that your life has gotten better and hers hasn't, it makes it harder to be close. Before it was a give and take thing, but now you aren't in that same space - She still IS. So, that makes it harder for you...Not as much give and take in the friendship and now it's draining for you. I have a friend like this I met online. She helped me through a real hard time due to my anxiety and panic attacks. Over time, I got help, am much better and not in the same bad space as I was 2 years ago...She still is and showing NO signs of improvement, and has no intention of getting better. Because of that, it IS alot harder to maintain the friendship. If this is the case with you and her, just slowly back off. Still talk to her, but don't share alot of your personal life with her. Don't make arrangements to see her either. When she asks to see you, just say right now isn't a good time...No explanation in detail is necessary...But, tell her you two can talk by emails/phone. Eventually she will get the hint without you having to hurt her feelings.
Author tinktronik Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 Well you could say that, couldn't you? In a nice way? When you think about it, maybe you just feel like the friendship is skewed because she is so needy and you don't feel you can speak your mind freely to her? That's a different animal entirely. Maybe you should explore what it is about the relationship that you specifically dislike, b/c I don't think it's her situation -- but the way she deals with it, which can also affect the way she deals with other relationships? Avoidant? Perhaps that is true , I don't feel like I can be honest with her about this situation , perhaps b/c she clearly wants to believe that nothing is wrong.I feel I've become her sounding board and she wants me to reasure her that everything will be okay , when I don't believe this at all to be the case .I tend as of now to just listen and not comment at all which was not the true nature of our relationship for the first few years.
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Perhaps that is true , I don't feel like I can be honest with her about this situation , perhaps b/c she clearly wants to believe that nothing is wrong.I feel I've become her sounding board and she wants me to reasure her that everything will be okay , when I don't believe this at all to be the case .I tend as of now to just listen and not comment at all which was not the true nature of our relationship for the first few years. The problem isn't her situation, but the way that she is using you. It's what codependency does. She has a f***ed up concept of what relationships involve, basically. So you have every right to tell her that you think the friendship is unbalanced. That she leans on you too much and there's no reciprocation, and it has evolved to a point where you no longer have a friendship, you are more like a therapist. That's unethical and unfair for her to put you in that position. So maybe you should tell her that?
Guest Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 That's really hard and I feel for you. You and your friend developed a bond during a difficult point for both of you. Those types of bonds run very deep and it's hard to consider ending a friendship due to lifestyle differences. Unfortunately, part of what keeps people friends is their commonality. We are all different from each other but we tend to share basic similarities with people we call friends; we usually share similar values and priorities. Your priorities obviously included improving your lifestyle and avoiding abusive relationships. She seems to have fallen back into the same old cycle. I'd suggest being as honest with her as you can, but doing so kindly. Next time she calls saying that this guy has abused her say "I can take you to the shelter or the police station. If niether of those options is acceptable, you need to stop telling me about his abuse. It is too painful for me to listen to a woman being abused who refuses to do anything about it." Good luck
Recommended Posts