Jump to content

Did I do the right thing???


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

  • Author
Posted

I got your point. I understand now why everyone has said he might have caught on. I don't know how to throw him off the scent. I have been doing nothing different at home. Cybergirl has been doing nothing different. At the last online session we talked about meeting again. Cybergirl told him that she doesn't think it would be right because she doesn't want to be the one he cheats with first. He said that he would lie and say he has cheated with someone else. He also told her about one of his sisters friends who is always trying to get him to have sex. One of them that I his wife knows. He said there is no way he would cheat with anyone in the town he lives in because it is to risky. Now I am confused. He is still talking to cybergirl and emailing her dirty little stories. After he told cybergirl the truth about himself he has been very quite around the house. Hardly even talking to me or being his usual self. He is acting like he acts when he is stressed out about something. Could it be that he is on to me? Could it be that he is thinking about his feelings toward me and weather they are still there or not? I don't know. I would think that if he was onto me he would come right out and say it to me. He is the type to always but the blame on others. I could hear him. - Well if you wouldn't have started emailing me as cybergirl I wouldn't have wanted to meet her. This is your fault that you thought I would cheat on u. - That is what he would say. My problem now is how to try and fix the things I know. I don't know. He has said so many things like he would be happier with someone else. He would miss his kids but would be happier on his own. That he wished I his wife would find out about his online affair so that I could kick him out. That if he brought up the fact that he is unhappy that I would tell him to leave if he was that unhappy. The biggest problem of it all is that my own husband does not know me at all. I want all the same things he does. I miss not going out and having a good time. I don't get drunk all the time because we have 3 kids. I feel guilty when I go out and have a good time and my kids are with a babysitter. (even though it is always family) I feel guilty if they are not picked up right after they wake up in the morning. So i figure if i don't drink to much i won't have a hangover and i will beable to get up first thing and go get them. I don't know what to do. I want to party My god I am only 26 years old and I have alot of responsibilities that I put on myself. I can not take them back and I don't want to. I love my kids and I love my husband I am just so freaked out. I am scared and upset and not as strong as I should be. I don't know how to explain all this to him either. I don't know how to tell him that I wouldn't mind having more sex. That I would like to. He always says it is me but he doesn't see the nights that I can't wait to see him and be with him and he falls asleep on the couch or stays up late watching tv. I don't know I just don't know. I have tried explaining these things to him as cybergirl as suggestions of what may be causing his wife not to want sex but he says he has talked to me about it and he hasn't. Not once have we sat down together and said hey look. This is what I am needing. This is what I am wanting. I would like more things from him too. I don't know how to be the person he wants me to be and still be the person I want to be where my kids are concerned. I am so confused. I am going on and on about this and can't seem to help myself out of a situation that I put myself into. I want my husband to be excited for me when he comes home at the end of the day. I want him to miss me when he is out of town. I want him to love me the way I love him.

  • Author
Posted

I want him to have the feeling that u get when u love someone not just care for them. The feeling in your chest when they walk into a room and look into your eyes. The feeling I have for him.....

  • Author
Posted

I have come to the conclusion after the latest online session with my H as cyber girl that all men cheat. We talked about his friends and his family and his feeling toward his wife. (me) He said that his cousin and his dad both told him " you have a good one at home to take care of u and your kids and then u just screw the rest" That is coming from the men in his family. He said all his friends some of them just being married and some of them have been married for a while all of them have cheated.. So i have come to the conclusion all men cheat. Why? i don't know. I guess having one woman love u and care for u and want u around is not enough. I give up on all of it. Is my marriage broken? Yes it is is it worth trying to fix? No it isn't. I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to leave it alone for now. I am not financially able to take care of myself and my kids since I stay home right now. I am going and looking for a job with health insurance, where I don't have to work too late or on weekends. I don't even care what it is as long as it will pay my bills. Once I have that taken care off I am going to slowly work on splitting up the finances of what is his and what is mine and what we purchased together. Go through all the paper work get all his stuff out of it. Get it put into boxes and once this is all done ( which may take a couple of months) I am going to give him a choice. Either he leaves or the kids and I leave long enough for him to get his stuff and get the hell out. In conclusion. All men cheat. After this I do not think I can have trust in him or any other man for that matter. Why put myself through it again... When I am ready after all this is done I am sure I will start dating again. But I will write a little note to myself which i will gladly post on my bathroom mirror which i will look into every morning and it will say. DON'T GIVE THEM YOUR HEART AGAIN. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. and i will go on with my life. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Amber

Posted

Amber so sorry you have to go through this. Please do post when you just need to vent or need some support.

 

Again I admire how you are handling this. You are indeed one smart cookie.

You deserve to be treated much better.

Posted

Oh gosh Amber I'm so so sorry.

Posted

your story, dear smart Amber, is amazing, but reminds me of the old Kate Bush song :

 

BABUSHKA

She wanted to test her husband,

She knew exactly what to do,

A pseudonym to fool him,

She couldn't have made a worst move.

She sent him scented letters,

And he received them with a strange delight,

Just like his wife.

But how she was before the tears,

And how she was before the years flew by,

And how she was when she was beautiful.

She signed the letter:

 

All yours, Babushka, Babushka, Babushka-ya-ya

All yours, Babushka, Babushka, Babushka-ya-ya

 

She wanted to take it further,

So she arranged a place to go,

Wanted to see if he,

Would fall for her incognito.

And when he laid eyes on her,

He got the feelings they had met before,

Uncanny how she

Reminds him of his little lady,

Capacity to give him all he needs,

Just like his wife before she freezed on him,

Just like his wife when she was beautiful,

He shouted out, I'm

 

All yours, Babushka, Babushka, Babushka-ya-ya

 

poetry and music aside, I think you're being a bit harsh with your H and yourself. first of all, just like in the song - He actually has fallen for you again: your wit, your humour, your intelligence, your sex appeal. I'm not sure cyber girl would have continued to capture his imagination after all her procastination, if she wasn't so much like the woman he chose to have 3 kids with.

secondly, in the real world, amber, and with all that sex out there, many - if not most - marriages - have their ups and downs and various degrees of infidelity. it could be much, much worse: Last month my cousin confessed to his wife that he was untrue to her for most of the past ten years. they're in counseling and it's a long process - but she wants to forgive him, first and formost because it was his decision to come forward with the truth, and despite everything - to try to save their relationship.

some relationships are worth saving despite everything - especially when children are involved. you're 26 and have three kids - which must all be under ten - the anger and resentfulness of separation and divorce could really do them damage.

moreover, the sex question becomes secondary to the question of trust: and in this case, you're not being any better than him - with all your arsenal of secrecy and trickery. why talk through cyber girl and not directly? talk about your marriage, suggest counseling, talk about sex.

The jist of the matter, which you're avoiding all the time - and like everyone else here I really think you're someone very very special and admirable - is that you're not sure about what you want. if you went to counseling - together or alone - your true wishes would probably surface. I suspect that it's much easier playing spy vs spy than dealing with real feelings - yours and his.

could it be that you're identifying with him, and just like him, would like to have some excitement? maybe you should target someone else on the same site and see how you really feel about this? Maybe you both feel that you should "open" your relationship for a while? Yes, this might not work, but I keep thinking of your kids, and of the fact that these past months have been affecting them, since they have been living in an atmosphere where both their parents are keeping secrets from each other.

His father and cousin are both victims and victimizers: their attitude may be the way of thought that pressures him to look for thrills elsewhere, to prove his masculinity by doing "what all men do".

Men, amber, change. some make mistakes and understand, some lie through their teeth, and others are as true and honest. Quite like women, actually.

 

by the way, my perspective: I'm 45. I had a heart attack on sunday which might or might not have had something to do with the severe pain of my wife - my beloved wife - being unfaithful to me last year while she was pregnant with our second child. out of the blue - or the pregnancy hormones - she suddenly fell back to her teenage sexual behaviour (secrecy, SM sex) which was a reaction to the sexual abuse she suffered between the ages of 8 and 12. while I find it hard to forgive, I also can't really agree to punish her again, or, for that matter, co-operate with her self destructive behaviour. Fortunately for us, this was our first breakdown in communication after 8 years of being close and caring. through counseling and hours upon hours of honest talks, we've grown much closer again - even much closer than before. but that's my story.

Amber, please, think it over. I don't know them but I care for your children. you must have had good reasons to chose your H in the first place. maybe you really need a lot of time alone to start reshaping your relationship.

in any case, even if you do leave - you have to do it with dignity and respect to your H. He is still the father of your children, and part of their self esteem.

  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

Ok. It has been awhile since I wrote. I have stopped the little cyber affair I was having with my H. I did not tell him it was me. I only told him as cybergirl that she did not want to take things any further and that she was going to work on her relationship at home. That she hoped he understood and that it was nice getting to know him and he made her relize how much she needed to work on things at home.

 

Now as far as me as the wife goes. I have not talked to my H yet about our sexual relationship but I have begun to make small changes. Doing something different every couple of days and encouraging his advances a little more. As far as going out goes I have invitied people over and even took the kids to cook outs and things at friends houses. Things I would not have ususally done because of the amount of alchol that is consumed at some of the gatherings. Making sure that I kept and eye on the kids and still had a good time. I relize that it is something that I can do. Have a drink or two and still be fine. Now the drinks r spaced out over a couple of hours but as long as my H feels like I am drinking for some reason he thinks I am having more fun than if I am not. Sooo it is working for both of us. I guess if he doesn't know that I did not drink as much as he thinks i did that is fine with me. I do enjoy having a few drinks now and then. So there it is. I have still been watching the internet and he has not been going to the adult meeting site as much but when he does I just go in the next day and hide his profile. He can't check the emails and no one else can contact him since they don't know his direct email so it works out for both of us.

I hope that the things I have done setting up the fake email and all helps someone else somewhere. I would like to have thought I did the right thing. I guess now it is done and over with.

 

Thanks for all your help...

Amber

×
×
  • Create New...