Author amber26 Posted April 28, 2006 Author Posted April 28, 2006 After the most recent online session with my H as cyber girl she asked him about his life and what made him go to the website to meet people. He said that his problems are complicated and that he does not feel comfortable talking about them with a stranger. Cyber girl wrote him and told him that she was having problems in her relationship too and that no relationship is perfect. She told him that her boyfriend does not have the sex drive that she does and that since they work opposite hours it is hard for them to get time to spend together. He said he understand what she means and that his girl (me) is not willing to try some of the things that he would like to try sexually but that there is more to it than that. Problem is I want to ask if he loves his girl but don't know how. I tried to get him to open up more to cyber girl but he is a very quiet man when it comes to himself and will not tell her all of his problems. I don't know how to get him to open up and talk about it. If I know what the problems are maybe it is something we can work on or maybe it is not. Then again I don't want to talk about them because then he will be thinking about them all the time and it could make things worse. I don't know what I want.
Seen_It_All Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Your H is willing to meet a woman for the first time and have SEX with her, yet he can't 'open up' and tell her about his marriage? I think it's a crying shame that you've had to go to these lengths when it's so blatantly obvious the guy is looking for sex on the side. Jeez, he practically begged you to call him at the hotel so he could have phone sex. Guess you're the safer bet than calling Wanda's Love Line for $2.99 a minute and having it show up on the credit card bill. Gonna share a story with you, Amber. About a year ago, I put up a fake profile on one of those sex hookup sites because my best friend believed one of the ads on there was her husband's. So I put myself out there as a married woman who'd lost the spark in her marriage and was looking for that something 'extra.' After having baited the trap, I sat back to wait and see if the person we thought was her husband would contact me. While waiting to see if he would, do you have ANY idea how swamped I was with emails from married men looking for a little fun on the side? Most of them told me they didn't want to "change their situation" - their marriages were fine - they just wanted a little "FUN and EXCITEMENT" on the side as things had grown 'stale' for them. Poor, poor deprived babies. Guess their wives were just too busy doing THEIR laundry, tending to THEIR kids, cleaning THEIR houses, cooking THEIR meals, and working at a job to help support THEIR family. Yup, guess those old battle-axe wives just didn't have the energy LEFT at night to put on the sexy lingerie and 7" platform shoes so she could make HIS life one big, 24-hour, sex-o-rama fantasy. My heart bleeds for each and every one of those deprived souls. Not. I honestly don't believe you have to degrade yourself ONE MORE SECOND with this CyberGirl personna. His intentions are blatantly clear, just like all the other poor deprived husband's intentions that I had the displeasure of dealing with during my AdultFriendFinder months. Didn't he admit to CyberGirl that he's already cheated on his wife in the past? Do you really need more proof of obvious infidelity? I just feel bad that you have to degrade yourself and jump through hoops pandering to this guy when his intentions are obvious. One more point - even if you DO keep this going and arrange a meeting so you two can meet face to face, he can STILL pull that bullcrap line, claiming he knew it was you ALL ALONG. So what's the difference if you print everything out and call him for the dog he is, or continue this charade and meet him as Cyber Girl - in either event, he's going to lie his fool head off anyway and claim he always knew it was YOU. I honestly don't see the advantage to this unless you're really looking forward to watching him squirm. Can't blame you, I would want to see that too.
orleannaprice Posted April 30, 2006 Posted April 30, 2006 Hey Amber, sorry to hear about your situation. Here's a link to a free voice changing download. Not sure if you want to talk to him at this point, but if you decide to, it might work. http://www.download.com/Funny-Voice/3000-2133-10498301.html?tag=list This may work the best if you can skype him or use yahoo w/voice. All the best
Guest Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 hey, my name is yanet.I've read what your going through and honestly i think there is no fixing this one. I think the best thing for you to do is leave him. He's always going to lie to you and cheat on you. If he really loves you he would not be doing this to you. He's taking you for granted big time,once he looses you maybe he'll realize what he had. You wrer right to investigate him.A girl has the right to know!!A man who loves you should be all about you and want no other women.There are plenty of men out there who can treat you the right way.You don't have to wait around for him to realize what he has.My best advice to you is to leave him and find someone new and worthwhile that loves and is gonna be honest and faithfull. My boyfriend just recently cheated on me and the first thing i did was break up with him. I realized that i don't need this in my lifeand that there are plenty of men out there don't waist youyr time on him anymore, he doesn'yt respect you ,if he did he wouldn't go behind your back to cheat on you. Good Luck, yanet
jonesgirly Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Amber I just want to reinforce my belief that you are definitely one SMART COOKIE. You've maintained a cool "emotional" head during all of this very hurtful crap. I'm a LOT older than you, and I would've never been able to pull all this off. Again, I bow in the face of your worthiness , you rock!
Author amber26 Posted May 9, 2006 Author Posted May 9, 2006 Thank you all for your support so far. I purchased a phone card that lets u change the number on a caller ID when u are calling someone. It also had a voice changer on it but it makes u sound like a little girl so I have not used it. I figure now it is not worth it all. My H has cancelled his previous online dating profiles and set up aleast one new one that I know of. At the same site that I started emailing him from. Mate1.com. Terrible. Anyways. I set up another girl to see what his excuses would be this time and he said he was actually looking for someone to chat with and maybe meet one day. He is obviously not going to stop doing this now that he thinks he is getting away with it. i am going to put a stop to it all. I will let everyone know what happens.
rossm Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Amber, you most definitely do rock. I hope your H at least admires you for your character, intelligence, and fortitude. Then again, pretty soon, he is going to come to regret it. Keep posting.
Adunaphel Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Amber, I admire you for having the strenght to pose as 'cybergirl', and like the other posters I do think you did the right thing, since now you know what your H is like. I am sorry that you are in such a situation. I advise you *not* to call him, your H would probably realize it's you even if you use one of those voice changing devices. It would be very easy to spot you from the way you speak, the rhytm of your voice and the expressions/words you use for someone who knows you so well, and has been speaking with you for days. I also advise you NOT to confront him in a hotel room, showing up in place of a girl you have been impersonating online. Even if he's your H and you have known him for years, you can't really predict the reaction he could have in such a situation. Busted, humiliated, feeling like an idiot, caught with no chance of denying the evidence make a combination that could be dangerous even if your H is the coolest, most controlled person in the world. I mean, you can't really know how someone could react in such a situation. Also, be careful not to be sucked in this game you are playing (I use the word"game"in lack of a better one, but I am well aware that you are not 'having fun'). Collecting evidence can become addictive. The job you have done now is great, and you know what you needed to know about your H. Just be very careful, if you get addicted to what you are doing, it could become most unhealthy. Also, the way your H acted with cybergirl, and what he told her, are typical of a guy who wants sex with no strings attached. He probably does not like to talk about you to her because 1) he would like to keep the relationship with her as less 'personal'possible...just sex, the less information possible about his family. He is not out there looking for a girl to replace you with. he's out there looking for fun with no complications. He does not want to become cybergirl's friend or confident, nor he need a confident. 2)He does not want online girls to become emotionally attached. a girl gets attached to you, falls in love with you=trouble 3) He does not want to feel guilty and does not want the internet gal to feel guilty. (I had a short affair with a married guy who was looking for just casual sex. Whenever I tried to make him talk about his wife, he got annoyed. He made me clearly understand -although not on these terms exactly-that it was none of my business, it was not appropriate of me too feel guilty , and he did not want *me* to try to send him on a guilty trip). A woman you are trying to have sex with telling you that you should work on your relationship (OWs sometimes do that, usually before becoming OWs) spoils the fun.
Guest Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 Oh god, do I feel your pain. How you could carry on for so long without confronting him is beyond my capabilities. If I were you, I would set up a day and time to meet, and obviously you be there when he meets his "cybergirl". I would also have divorce papers in my hand that day too.
PuppyDogEyes Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 Anyways. I set up another girl to see what his excuses would be this time and he said he was actually looking for someone to chat with and maybe meet one day. He is obviously not going to stop doing this now that he thinks he is getting away with it. i am going to put a stop to it all. I will let everyone know what happens. Amber, if I might make a suggestion to you? If and when you do bust your husband, I would suggest that you bring a witness along, like maybe a close girlfriend or a relative. The reasons are simple: 1. You have a corroborating witness, if and when your situation ever gets to court. That way it's not a "he said-she said" thing - you not only have evidence, but you have a separate third party saying, "Yes, I was there, he was caught in the act." 2. I do not know if your husband is capable of violence, but that third party will be there to protect you in case his anger boils over (that is, if he gets angry. If it were me, I'd be shocked that my partner was that freaking clever!). I sympathize with you for going through this, but I'll tell you what - you must have nerves of steel to even pull this off. If it were me I'd be nearly insane with rage by now - there's no way I could do it. You have my admiration. Let us know how it turns out. I really want to know. - pde.
2sunny Posted May 10, 2006 Posted May 10, 2006 I wouldn't stay one more minute with him Amber. It is a person's intent that determines what you should decide. His intentions are not honorable. He is not in your marriage to honor and protect you. He is acting very selfishly and in a dishonest manner. My husband acted this way at the ten year mark...(I forgave). Yep, he did it again at the twenty year mark (I didn't forgive). The peace of mind I have now is worth it. The worry of whether or not he was ever faithful was too much hassle. I should have booted him out the first time.... Good luck to you, you know what is best!
Author amber26 Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 Hi all. I promised to keep everyone updated on what was going on with me, my H and cybergirl. Well here is a new twist I was not counting on. In the last IM session we had things got pretty serious. He asked to come and see cybergirl as he took the day off. I as cybergirl of course said no. After that we got to talking about relationships. He said he was not happy in his because he was not being satisfied sexually. Even though he said he has sex 3 to 4 times a week he would like more and at different times of the day not just at night. I agree with this as his wife but having small children in the house does not make that easy. Between all the after school functions and sports that are going on I hardly have time to get the house clean let alone have sex during the day. Anyways. He said he needed to tell cyber girl the truth. He said all the stories he had told her were lies. That he never had sex with any other woman. He has never cheated in the past. He said he made it all up because thats what she wanted to hear. He said he has kissed some girls and made out with them but when it came down to it he just couldn't cheat. He said it was not in him. He says that all those things he told cyber girl about happened to friends of his but not to him. He said he was sorry for lying to her and that he hoped she understood. He also told her that he has 3 kids and that is why he is still in the relationship with his girl. He also told her he has thought about leaving. That he has feelings for his girl (me) and that he cares for her. But he is not sure if he still loves her or not. He said that he can not talk to her about these things because he is being selfish and he can not leave because he feels that he does not have a good enough reason to leave. He told cyber girl that he likes to go out and have fun and drink and be around his friends but his girl doesn't. Its not that I don't want to go and do those things. I love going out and having a good time, but I also have 3 kids. Anyone with a kid knows that finding a babysitter is not always easy. Let alone. They are my kids and I had them and I like them and I like spending all my time with them. Yes they stress me out. Yes we argue. (me and the kids) but they are still mine and I love them and spending time with them. If i have a choice of going out or staying home and playing a game with my kids. I would stay home. He said that he loves his kids too and if he left they would not have all the things they have now. Which is true. Financially we would not have all the things that we have now. I am at a loss. I do not know what to do. I love him alot and all these things seem minor and can be fixed but I do not know how to tell him that I am wanting alot of the same things that he is wanting. I told him (as cybergirl) to talk to his girl and tell her how he feels and he says he has. But he hasn't. He brings up wanting more sex while I am in the kitchen trying to make dinner. Get things ready for the next day. Do the laundry and get the kids ready for bed. Instead of waiting until I can give him my attention. then when I get upset and tell him that if we had sex everyday all day it would not be enough for him. he gets upset too. He says (to cyber girl) that I do not listen to him. And that if he could stay home with the kids all day he would. I beleive him on that one. But how am i supposed to listen to him and what he needs when the kids come first. Dinner, laundry, dishes, cleaning house. All this stuff needs done and I have to do it all as well as make sure he and the kids have all they need. I can't do it all and still be ready to have wild sex with him at the drop of a hat Can I? Well I am going on and on now. So just let me know what everyone thinks. to end this he says that he really has never cheated in the past but he would now because he needs what he needs and if he has to go somewhere else to get it he would. I will keep u updated. Amber
a4a Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I have to wonder if it is not just about sex but he is wanting actual attention and to be first over the household duties ect ? It sounds like you can indeed save the marriage if you can get over his cheating (I consider cheating being you would not do it if your spouse was in the same room or had knowledge of your actions). Would you be able to afford a cleaning lady to help out just one day a week? Perhaps even a younger person to run the vac and do the dishes ect. Your priority should be your marriage. Of course you cannot live in a pig sty and things need to be done. But I will take a stab and guess he feels like he is at the bottom of the list in priorities. I have been there done that. Actually on both sides of the problem. Now you have a choice to make to use the info for rebuilding or ending it. I admire you for keeping your cool and thinking things through.
catgirl1927 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I admire your cool, too, amber. I would SO have spiralled out of control by now. Blood would have rained from the heavens... I thought of a cleaning lady too. Is that an option? It would be nice to tell him you were thinking of getting one because you wanted more time for him...
prfrogkisser Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 I have to say Amber you are very brave and patient. I have the feeling you are just looking for answers on why your husband is looking elsewhere. I have read the thread but i have to ask. Do you want to save your marriage? If you believe in your heart that he just used cyber girl to vent and fulfill a void that he has in his marriage why not make those changes at home and see what happens? I know its difficult with kids and work but your relationship shouldnt be second. Communication is very important. Why dont you talk to him as a wife and tell him your concerns? Dont play any games just go to the point and see what happens. Most people wont agree with me and will want you to just kick him to the curve but only you know whats best for you and your family. Do you love him? He has the fantasy of being with another woman but based on everything ive read here nothing has happened yet. He seems to having doubts about going through with it.To me it seems that it still hope. Cheating is wrong but we need to analize the reason for it. Most look for what they dont have at home in someone else. I recommend the site with Dr Ellen Kreidman http://www.lightyourfire.com
Author amber26 Posted May 11, 2006 Author Posted May 11, 2006 Yes I do still love him. Why I don't know. It is not a feeling that just goes away. Am I hurt and upset yes. Do I dislike him at times yes. Do I understand where he is coming from yes. For along time he put his work in front of our family to give us all the things we have today. Now I think that I should step back and put him infront of some of my daily activities. I don't have to keep the house as clean as I do. I could only do laudry twice a week instead of working on it every day. There are things I could cut back on. I am a clean freak and don't like things out of place. But I need to put some of that aside and focus on my marriage right now. I do consider making out or kissing other women cheating. Any kind of activity that would not be done with me in the room is cheating. I do agree with that. I would never do that to him. So I should expect the same from him. I know this. We have been through alot as a couple. We got started really really young. I know that it is not an excuse but we both have changed over the years as our priorities have changed. I think that most of u are right. I need to change my priorities and try and save what is left of my marriage if that is what I want. I sit back and try to think. Would I be upset if we were not together. Yes I would be. But with everything else I have been through it is something I would move on from. It is not something I want to happen though. I will keep u all updated on what happens. Thank you all for all your help
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 Use it to your advantage...Be a friend to him and tell him to go home and fix his marriage. Go to marriage counselling and give it his best to see if he really is out of love, or just those feelings have been buried due to life getting in the way. Then, play your roll AS the wife, tell him to get his s*** together or maybe it's time to think about a trial separation.
typical Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 NOT FOR ONE MINUTE....do I believe that he had a guilty conscience attack, and remorsefully confessed that he never actually "did" those things....his friends did....YEAH RIGHT.... I dont believe that for one minute. I am almost positive that he has caught on and just knew it was you...he just had a gut feeling that it was you, and that is why the sudden change of heart. If you really were to ask me how he found out, I would wonder if he somehow stumbled across your post here on LS beseeching us for advice.... Or maybe because he realized him and cyber girl wasnt going anywhere, and he doesnt even have a voice to place with the words... Amber, I admire you so freaking much for going through with all this...but you cant stop now...you just cant....Dont you have a close women friend, one that he wouldnt recognize the voice of? Couldnt you have her pose as cyber girl and call and make small talk? If it starts getting sexual, she can avoid it by saying she has to hang up because the boss is coming, or she has diarrhea or something like that....be sure to record it. Oh, and when you get around to meeting up with him, buy a wig. Deck yourself out, in a way he has never seen you before....
movinon05 Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 NOT FOR ONE MINUTE....do I believe that he had a guilty conscience attack, and remorsefully confessed that he never actually "did" those things....his friends did....YEAH RIGHT.... I dont believe that for one minute. I am almost positive that he has caught on and just knew it was you...he just had a gut feeling that it was you, and that is why the sudden change of heart. If you really were to ask me how he found out, I would wonder if he somehow stumbled across your post here on LS beseeching us for advice.... Or maybe because he realized him and cyber girl wasnt going anywhere, and he doesnt even have a voice to place with the words... Amber, I admire you so freaking much for going through with all this...but you cant stop now...you just cant....Dont you have a close women friend, one that he wouldnt recognize the voice of? Couldnt you have her pose as cyber girl and call and make small talk? If it starts getting sexual, she can avoid it by saying she has to hang up because the boss is coming, or she has diarrhea or something like that....be sure to record it. Oh, and when you get around to meeting up with him, buy a wig. Deck yourself out, in a way he has never seen you before.... I just read this entire thread and this is exactly what I was thinking too. He's trying to cover his butt. Is he as computer saavy as you to find out what you've been doing? You were so strong and now you are suddenly defending yourself for everything that goes on at home that you are not being there for him. Your reasons are justified! But don't let that explain away all that he has been doing! I don't know how you've been able to do this all this time. I give you so much credit. Just don't lose your strength now!
rossm Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 It does sound a bit suspicious. But although a lot of what H told cyber girl jibed with the truth, he did say that he had talked with Amber about the issues, when in fact, he had not. If he knew cyber girl was Amber, I would think he would keep the entire story true. Maybe H has mentioned a few things to Amber over the years and he considers this "talking about it". Hard to say. Amber, do you know these friends he mentioned who are having all these A's? Maybe you can set the BS's, BGF's up with your survelience program too!
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2006 Posted May 11, 2006 she has to hang up because the boss is coming, or she has diarrhea :lmao: Sorry, this excuse just made me choke from laughing so hard!
jonesgirly Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 Amber Again, I must commend you on your savvy and clever ways. Your ability to maintain emotional steadiness throughout this ordeal has amazed and impressed me (as well as others), especially when I remember how I felt when I had 'found out' about my husbands 'special friend.' My gut reaction when I read your post was that "uh, oh, she's been busted." I find it extremely unlikely that your husband has all of a sudden decided to be honest and truthful with cyber-girl, especially given the history of conversation that has already occurred. That being said, I'm certain that I would hold on to the 'possibility' of his new-found truthfulness also. I just find it hard to believe, knowing what I know about people (at least now). I would call the odds 50/50. Maybe you should lay low as cybergirl for a bit. You could suggest to him that he doesn't seem like the type to become involved in an 'internet-type' relationship and should invest more into his marriage. Let him make the decision, but continue your vigilant investigation of his online alter-ego. But do NOT underestimate the possibility that he is 'on' to you. He may have gotten some 'vibes' in your house that told him something was a bit different. His true colors will surely shine through in time. Keep us posted please, I find this extremely interesting and wish I'd done the SAME thing!
Author amber26 Posted May 12, 2006 Author Posted May 12, 2006 No my H is not as computer savy as I am. He has a hard time doing alot of things on the computer. I make sure to delete all the history, profiles, and cookies whenever I am online. In addition to that. I have set up email on my cell phone so I can email him when I am in the house. We only have one computer so I don't think there is any way for him to know. Beleive it or not despite all the things that I have written here it was very hard for me beleive that he had cheated on me. I know that is hard to beleive but he has been in a relationship where someone he loved cheated on him so he knows how it feels. In the same breath he has said he would cheat now. So confused I am. I do beleive the things that he has told cyber girl. I have done nothing at home to change the way I have been acting. I do agree that he has not exactly brought up the problems the way he says he did to cyber girl. When ever he brings them up I am always busy doing other things. I always used to tease him and say the only time he wants me is when I am busy. Looking back on it now I should have shown him the attention he needed and adresses the situation before it came to this. After the converstation with cyber girl where he spilled his guts he emailed her and said that he didn't want to talk about it for awhile and he hopes that the things he told her did not change her opinion of him. I emailed him back and said of course not. And have continued emailing back and forth for days afterwards. I do not think he is onto me. I think I am just going to ride this out a little while longer and see where it goes. I will keep u all updated.
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 If is realizes it's you, or checks the email headers and sees that the IP address is the same as your email, the game is over. Not saying he will, but that is a possibility...So, be aware.
typical Posted May 12, 2006 Posted May 12, 2006 If he knew cyber girl was Amber, I would think he would keep the entire story true. Assuming that he knows its her, he wouldnt have found this out...*coincidentally*...untill shortly after she was beseeching us for advice...remember? things took on a dramatic twist in the middle of page 3 yesterday, with him recanting all of things him and cyber girl have been talking about, and what cyber girl had believed to be true about him.... I am sorry, but the whole *confession* had a mock feel to it...besides, 2 months into this sordid online affair and he decides that now is the time to come clean? Coincidentally after she was imploring us for advice?? Thats strange....I am almost positive that I smell the suspicion on his part from here.... Amber, maybe he doesnt know its you, but I would make a bet that he has the dawnings of suspicions....Maybe through some wierd thing that cyber girl said, that stuck out, and just smacks of you... Indulge me in this scenario for a moment... Maybe, just maybe....after the last time you made up an excuse for not calling him...he got to thinking...in his hotel room, about WHY you wont call him....it doesnt seem to fit cyber girls attitude.....she came on fast and strong with him, exchanged risque email, got close and personal fast, but is putting the brakes on calling him?? I dont think he can rationalize this properly. All he sees is that they were involved in this too fast and furious online thingie, and cybergirl decides to be all prim and proper and play it safe and not call yet??? He starts to think..why?? doesnt make sense...why?? hhmm...maybe she is right, maybe we shouldnt talk on the phone yet....I wonder what my wife would think about all of this....my wife...hmmm...what if cyber girl IS my wife???!! Furious backpeddling, mind reeling, sweating, panicking....his mind whirls backwards, leafing through the catalogued conversations with cyber girl in his brain......"lets have phone sex"...."why are you doing this to your wife"...."would you be mad if your wife was doing this"...."I dont want to call you right now, it would make it too real"..... what if it really IS my wife??? And on and on,it swirls around in his head, until it starts to take shape,formulate, and then the comparing begins.....suddenly it all makes sense......why she will talk dirty and have an online affair, but wont call him...after all, isnt that the point of the whole website? why she can talk about doing all of this and that with him, but wont meet up with him, even though they arent that far apart....NOW he knows why things seemed off..... s***.....time to DENY DENY DENY Only I cant let on that I know it is her....but I have to think of something.....Yes..thats it...it was my FRIENDS stories I told you, not mine!!! Gee.....my wife is one smart broad!! I think, you should be in the hunter gatherer mode right now...start making copies, stapling, highliting, filing..collecting it all together now, get it nice and neat, highlight some areas, and do the blow out soon....if he hasnt caught on yet, he will soon......He knows he is guilty, He knew it from the start...therefore, he will think like a guilty person...part of thinking like a guilty person is asking oneself, "what if my wife did this to me" ...it is only natural, that the next thought could be "what if this IS my wife"???????
Recommended Posts