The 'Do or Die' Pursuit

[Guest]

I'm in that situation right now. I found some descriptive emails from my live in girlfriend to a fellow she met up with on myspace, apparently they had known each other before. I trusted she was just friends until one day he called at like 10 PM to check in which is excessive calling I think, so I looked on my computers history and read her email. We have been talking and it has become painfully obvious that I have been treating her poorly since I lost my job 8 months ago - nothing that bad, just not attentive to her, dont want to go places with her etc, I was just basically depressed in a bad place. Well after not having her in my life for a week, I feel like I'm at this fork in the road. I feel like I can just do nothing and give her space, as she gets closer with this new fellow and it will all be over sooner than I know it. However I am here right now to do laundry. Her bedroom door has now a lock installed on it, I decided to use my key and go in and found some of his clothes on the floor, and this is after she said she wanted to work out things with me and just be alone herself for a while. well I'm really riled up! I have forgiven her! I love her so much and feel like I would be utterly lost without this relationship, I've decided I'm moving back in, today. I'm usually not a firm or domineering person, just really laid back and go with the flow, but today that is not going to happen. I'm hoping this is the right thing to do, afterall, she told me she needs time and space, but I know in my heart the longer I stay away the faster this relationship will dissolve. I'm NOT going to let that happen!!! I'm so committed to making this work and starting the healing here I am going to move back in here today, and will not be leaving no matter how angry she gets in the hopes that she will see I am VERY serious about making things work! I know deep down in my heart she will not call the police on me, but I feel like at this point, I dont even care where I end up if I cant make this relationship work. Even if I have to sleep on the couch, I AM NOT letting that fellow spend the night here anymore, and let my one true love get any further away from me than she already is. I'm willing to lose everything over this and that tells me that in my heart she is the one for me. I hope I'm not just crazy. I can see if roles were reversed, she would kick that girls ass and fight for me, and she often complained I did not fight for her, well this time I'm fighting to the end if need be, and I am going to be here in her life and I already know things will be so much better from this point forward. She will be back soon and I dont know how she is going to take this, since she probably will not be used to this person coming out, but I felt the same way when I lost my job that started this whole mess, and this time I am going to fight until the men in the white jackets haul me away screaming. I will not let her out of my life, its too important to both of us!! does anyone think I'm nuts? LOL

[BBetsy]

My ex, who is more religious than I am, used to always say that God brought us together. He would even, periodically, glance up at the sky and say "thank you" for me. He talked about these things often.

 

Then, as he got more bored of me, or sick of me, or whatever it is that caused him to pull further away until he dumped me, he never said that any more...in fact, he started to say that he "didn't know" what God wanted for his life and apparently, GOD changed his mind because the guy dumped me.

 

I guess God f***ed up, huh?

[riobikini]

re:

 

Shelters: " Some might call that 'destiny.'

 

 

 

And some might call it their God's angel looking out for their best interest despite their free-will....or working the angles and jagged corners of their free-will to their best result.

 

Whatever the reason -and whether or not we learn now, or sometime afterwards, that our wishes and wants were were just not-so-bright misconceptions of very acute emotions during a particularly confusing, and sometimes wonderful, chapter in our lives - I believe that the outcome often does turn out to be exactly how it should be.

 

And, yes, some call that "destiny".

 

My personal belief with this may come a great surprise, perhaps, to some, but I have learned, through many similar personal experiences -and because I do not believe in "destiny" due to it's basic philosophy of not recognizing the act of free-will and giving over to the idea of being "dragged along" by some unknown, and non-authoritative power- to simply call it "God".

 

And be content with the thought that I am somehow protected from making some (not all) of my own worst mistakes, and/or that they were transformed into something that was good for me, despite my most ridiculous, worthless, or most grand efforts.

 

-Rio

 

*Great post, Shelters. Thank you.

[TheSwordfish]

I think luck, in the sense of momentum has a really important role in being in love. Sometimes two people are infatuated, one responds to late and the other has flown. Relationships might change because of all kinds of circumstances.

[tinktronik]

Perhaps ,I catagorize my relationships differently than some.I consider all relationships to be a great friendship (at least at one point), with a sexual component. Many times, if there was still good reason to be in a relationship,I've left doors open.By this , I mean I have no qualms about telling a person how deeply I feel for them ,all it causes is a bit of discomfort and an illusion of humiliation .Who really cares but me if I humiliate myself ? It just dosn't seem that important.I tend to think that each relationship I've had has helped me to grow in some way so as a result I tend to carry a grain of thankfullness around for the person who planted that grain.On the other hand, the only person I've ever actually continued to go back to or allow into my life over and over again was my ex-husband, and it was clear that our relationship had played out long before we let it go, I mostly tried and tried again because there were little people we thought it would be important for.

[riobikini]

Tinktronik,

 

re: " I mostly tried and tried again because there were little people we thought it would be important for. "

 

 

It's been said so many times that we almost dismiss it as "white noise" -it's so hard to get your mind around it and grasp it- but staying together for the sake of children is not always best.

 

There are many who have been able to accomplish it, remaining civil and respectful towards each other for the children's sake, but, if the children are old enough, they know.

 

The whole spirit of the home changes, and from the view below, where the children sit and watch, they learn about relationships.

 

In this kind of situation where two people are just methodically, although respectfully, carrying out duties for the sake of children, the children learn that marriage -and, perhaps, more specifically, love in marriage- is about nothing more than carrying out a stale, expected routine.

 

Parents who do not touch, hug, or kiss each other goodbye/hello are teaching their children how not to be successful in very important future relationships, or how unimportant it is.

 

And I believe it also can transfer over to other types of relationships, as well.

 

Displaying kind emotions -love being at the core- is a very important aspect of development with children. They need to see how it's done, -the reactions/responses, the give/take of relationships- where love is concerned.

 

It's not that they won't, or can't survive without the example, -it's just that it makes it so much easier for them to have this understanding as they enter more emotionally confusing and challenging stages of their lives.

 

Parents who display the love emotion appropriately -and generously- to each other, provide a "reference", or a "standard" for them to look back on for information.

 

Tink, I understand where you are coming from in making the decision to keep trying to patch up the failing marriage for your children.

 

Splitting up a family just because two people couldn't seem to find the right "glue" is such a difficult thing for any parent to do.

 

Still, it happens everyday, and even though divorce can be just as traumatic for children as staying and living in a methodical environment where only civility is shown, kids have this phenomenal way of faring well in the some of the worst-case scenarios, sometimes, much better than the divorced parents.

 

It takes guts, great effort, and commitment to make the call to stay together for the sake of the children you both love, or bite the bullet and do the divorce thing, but because only you are privy to the history of the problems of your marriage, the resiliency of your children, and the knowledge and awareness of your own strength, it becomes a very individual decision, varying from family to family, and any decision made must be respected in light of that.

 

-Rio

[tinktronik]

Rio, I agree with you , many times the view "from the bottom " is damaging to children. I'm thankful that I divorced, now that time has passed , but wish for a reality for my children that does not exist and can't.Instead they have a mother who is mostly happy and doing well and a father who is , well , I don't know .... But he's not with me anymore!

I realized that divorcing was the right thing , when about a year after it finalized, my then five year old said to me :

 

" You and Dad are divorced because you yelled at each other in front of me ,I'm glad , I didn't like all that loudness."

 

I've felt so guilty about the time me and my boy's Dad spent focusing on fighting with each other and could have been playing with our children instead.My son is right ,were all happier now.

[jerbear]

I've felt so guilty about the time me and my boy's Dad spent focusing on fighting with each other and could have been playing with our children instead.My son is right ,were all happier now.

 

If it helps, I respect my mom for divorcing my dad and taking me with her. Without her I would not have gotten the chances at the American Dream.

 

I sometimes feel she still does not understand the accomplishments that I have done because of her.

[riobikini]

Jerbear, you brought tears to my eyes with your words, simply because I read it through the eyes of a 'mom'.

 

It's too bad your mother cannot read that last post of yours.

 

With the upcoming Mother's Day, it would have been the best gift any mom could have wished for.

 

I know how I would have reacted to it....in tears, of course.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

OK, -so Next Question.

 

Anybody ever do anything humiliating to get your ex back?

 

Stuff like: lie down in his/her driveway or get down on your knees at his/her front door and cry and beg for them to take you back?

 

How about make a scene in a very public place, possibly in front of people one or both of you knew?

 

How far were you/are you willing to go to prove -by means of a physical act- that you love someone?

 

-Rio

[tinktronik]

OK, -so Next Question.

 

Anybody ever do anything humiliating to get your ex back?

 

Stuff like: lie down in his/her driveway or get down on your knees at his/her front door and cry and beg for them to take you back?

 

How about make a scene in a very public place, possibly in front of people one or both of you knew?

 

How far were you/are you willing to go to prove -by means of a physical act- that you love someone?

 

-Rio

Nope , never did anything like this. You?

[riobikini]

Nope. Me neither. Could never bring myself to dirty up my knees like that...-or for that reason....(smile)...but the flip side of my question would also be interesting:

 

I wonder how many will admit to actually doing -or consider doing- certain things during acts of anger, (or rage) because they were just so terribly hurt.

 

Anybody?

 

-Rio

 

P.S. These questions in the thread have been very interesting to me, but are not about me.....(smile)....I have received numerous PM's concerned about my well-being during this thread....('nother smile..and "Thank You")...I am well, so don't worry....these are just questions I've been wanting to get info on. And btw, I also want to thank all of you who have posted, so far. You have been very generous and insightful.

[jerbear]

OK, -so Next Question.

 

Anybody ever do anything humiliating to get your ex back?

 

Stuff like: lie down in his/her driveway or get down on your knees at his/her front door and cry and beg for them to take you back?

 

How about make a scene in a very public place, possibly in front of people one or both of you knew?

 

How far were you/are you willing to go to prove -by means of a physical act- that you love someone?

 

-Rio

 

I did have an ex agree to dinner with me because I wanted her back. She told me why she broke up with me. Not many like her and I was stupid and not over someone else. Anyway she threatened to make a scene in a public place, restaurant. I said go for it; I'm staying to enjoy my dinner. Then she threatened me with the knife and said what if I do xyz, I said love hurts; plus I'm in a corner.

 

We got back later that week and broke up a few months later.

[shelters]

re:

And some might call it their God's angel looking out for their best interest despite their free-will....or working the angles and jagged corners of their free-will to their best result.

 

Whatever the reason -and whether or not we learn now, or sometime afterwards, that our wishes and wants were were just not-so-bright misconceptions of very acute emotions during a particularly confusing, and sometimes wonderful, chapter in our lives - I believe that the outcome often does turn out to be exactly how it should be.

 

 

Interesting perspective. In my life it has all worked out as it should be. Without a doubt. I like your line above about God, btw.

 

To add more confusion to this , I have the example of someone who was *extremely* important to me in my life who passed away earlier this year. You could say we had an almost psychic-like connection- we were that close. This person was a writer so I had years and years worth of writings that were left to me. Reading through the many journals I saw a theme of how this person continually let the opportunity of love come & go in their life. LSE issues, absolutely. A child of the great depression with strict Catholic upbringing; translation- a lack of lovingness during childhood, as well (especially on the part of the father).

 

While I can say in my life everything has worked out the way it was supposed to, when I read through these journals I see how if this person had just engaged in life... if this person had just put themselves out there...

 

(sigh)

 

So sad.

 

 

This was someone who was very religious and spiritual; referred to God's will quite often. Somehow though, I just don't think it was God's will for this person to not have love.

 

(double sigh)

 

 

OK, -so Next Question.

 

Anybody ever do anything humiliating to get your ex back?

 

Stuff like: lie down in his/her driveway or get down on your knees at his/her front door and cry and beg for them to take you back?

 

How about make a scene in a very public place, possibly in front of people one or both of you knew?

 

How far were you/are you willing to go to prove -by means of a physical act- that you love someone?

 

-Rio

 

 

Never.

[riobikini]

Shelters,

 

re: " While I can say in my life everything has worked out the way it was supposed to, when I read through these journals I see how if this person had just engaged in life... if this person had just put themselves out there...

 

(sigh)

 

So sad.

 

This was someone who was very religious and spiritual; referred to God's will quite often. Somehow though, I just don't think it was God's will for this person to not have love. "

 

It strikes me acutely, and wonderfully strange, though, how you have taken his story to this board as an example where many will read it, showing how the seemingly sad lives of some can affect us in profound and unexpected ways after their passing, as we review it.

 

Since he was a writer, I suspect his most valuable contributions may have been through his written thoughts, and not through any magnificent demonstration of being a romantic life partner with anyone. Perhaps, his failures in love, or his thoughts from the standpoint of living without it were the actual source for the writing, and his life's contribution.

 

With that being said, I think it only strengthens my point, that the best end to his free-will was acheived, and he did not live his life without purpose. No one does.

 

I also agree with your statement, above, concerning love...the emotion of love, I believe, is meant to do more than act as a means to encourage increase of the population. I believe it is meant to act as one of the greatest life-lesson tools ever conceived.

 

And I cannot imagine my own life without it, -no matter how much trouble it is, sometimes, and I'll always be found sitting in the front of the classroom, waiting for my next lesson.

 

(Smile)

 

Thank you for your post.

 

-Rio

[jtkirkwood]

This is where I see myself until the divorce papers arrive and hit me in the face like a brick.

 

Jim