riobikini Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 What do you think happens in cases where you just can't shut the door in the aftermath of breakup? What happens when you are months and months down the road and he/she is dating/living with someone else and you still feel just the same about him/her as you did to begin with? What if you've given 'NC' all you can give it, (yet 'fudged here and there often) and you are still clinging to the hope that he/she still feels 'something' for you...that, perhaps, the love is still there, hidden somewhere, and all you have to do is be 'avaliable'? What if it's an almost spiritual-sounding belief that you have that 'it was meant to be'? And what if you just can't move on until you know you've given it that heroic, almighty, do-or die effort? Even if it takes a year or two from now. Or indefinitely to 'work' the chance? The miracle. Do you take up that cross? Or do you turn your back on that wisp of a chance that -against all the odds and all the 'good' advice you're being given- he/she can still be 'won' back, if you just 'go that extra mile'? Call it 'closure', call it 'knowing for sure', do it to 'unconvince' yourself that he/she was 'the one', and -once and for all- know you gave it everything you had, right down to your own possible humiliation. You're even willing to wait for new partners to become history so your chance can happen. You 'hover, watching and waiting. Telling yourself that, if you don't do this, you'll 'regret it' for the rest of your life. Telling yourself that, if it doesn't work, with *this* amount of effort, *this time* that you'll finally be able to turn your back on it, saying you gave it the best you had in you. Doggedly hang on. No matter what. Hellbent, if you must. And damn all the torpedoes. Your posts are welcome on this subject. Please. -Rio
Art_Critic Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 What happens when you are months and months down the road and he/she is dating/living with someone else and you still feel just the same about him/her as you did to begin with? You wind up on LS I have always be a do or die kinda guy.. if I think that the relationship has just a whisper of hope.. I go for it.. until I can't go anymore.. I'll try counseling , make any adjustments needed to satisfy any of the SO needs and when it all fails I'll try again and again until I'm either told to FO or until I finally give up and move on.. One thing I won't do is walk away easily.. never have never will..
Author riobikini Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 Thank you Art, and you are right (smile)...they (I, too) wind up on LS. Contrary to the norm, ***this is one thread I want to see posted in and hijacked often and plenty.*** More responses welcome. -Rio
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Do you take up that cross? No, I don't. I've never done this. I think it's the high road to humiliation and hurt. No healthy relationship is built on this kind of power inbalance. Of course, the heart often wants to hang on, but IME it's never true to say you can't let go - given enough time your head can *always* overrule your heart. For me, if they walk away, it's over. Especially if they find someone else. I wish them well. I usually hope to be friends one day. But from day 1, my policy is to move on. I've seen second chances work, but it's usually after a couple of years. When one or both parties have changed. I think the paradox is that the opportunity only comes back long after you have let it go. Just my 2 cents. I'm interested to hear other opinions. Good thread, Rio.
KittenMoon Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I told my ex when we broke up I would leave the door open a crack for him if he ever regretted this. I also told a mutual friend this, and he said it's ok in his opinion to do this, but by leaving the door open a crack you have to deal with the consequences of seeing them moving around behind that crack from time to time. He's got a good point. Lately, that door is still cracked, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm locking doors between me and it. So I know it's still there, and maybe I still want it open, but I don't want to have to look through it all the time. If the day ever comes where he knocks on that door again, it's going to take a lot of good reasons for me to go back and unlock my string of closed doors to get there. So, I tried my hardest, then I tried again, and then some more, and finally I just tried to leave a foundation of the future the best I could. I'm not quite breaking away, but I'm getting there. Everytime I close another door, I know I'll feel a bit better.
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 No. After a while apart from someone I can shut my feelings off manually. I still think of them here and there and I quash those thoughts quickly, and cruelly. I chose to speak negatively of them, in my head, and envision chopping down the tree of our relationship inside my head and eating on the stump. I will not allow anyone to have a hold on me unless they are with me. I simply will not let it happen.
sadfish Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 It's funny that you posted this today of all day's, Rio, because i was thinking the exact same thing on my morning commute! I'm in that position right now, where i don't feel like i *want* to let go of my ex--and he's been in his current relationship for about 9 months now! Something is keeping us communicating, and the communication is ALL on his end, HE contacts me--it's so very frustrating and confusing, yet...it feels like it's what is supposed to be happening, if that makes sense...? I just feel like we're not done. I have been trying to date other people, keeping myself open to other possibilities, but i don't click with anyone, and i'm sure that's partly because i don't feel over him, nor do i really want to be over him, i guess. I don't know what else to do about that but ride it out... I don't know...but i, like Rio, would LOVE to hear other responses...
Art_Critic Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I have a relationship in my past that if the situation presented itself I would make a do or die stab at her.. maybe to an air strike of flowers or candy or something.. But the situation would have to present itself and I would have to know that she isn't dating anyone.. I would more or less have to know that she still had feelings for me Moving on after doing what you can is easier in the long run though
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Yeah my whole thing is -- once they have a new relationship, I'm done. That's it. No more otter ever again for all eternity.
kitten chick Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 For the life of me, I just don't understand these second chances. Why would anyone go back to someone who didn't want to be with them?
BBetsy Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I've done this and swore I would hang on until he returned to me....but I'm trying to let go now. Part of the reason I didn't/don't want to let go is because if I let go of my love for HIM, then if he came back to me I might not ever get it back - you know, like I want what we had and what I lost. So, I've been hanging on to my love for him on the CHANCE that he comes back (he did before...) But this time, I don't think he's coming back, at least not for a long time, and I can't do that to myself again. It's such a shame - we could have had EVERYTHING - we were set up to have a loving, committed PARTNERSHIP for the rest of our lives, and he just FLAKED. He's a FOOL. So, I'm letting it go. But when I commit to love someone forever, through good times and bad, I really MEAN it *unlike HIM*, so it isn't that easy. You open your hand and it doesn't just fly away in the wind, all at once. It just trickles off, slowly...
KittenMoon Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 For the life of me, I just don't understand these second chances. Why would anyone go back to someone who didn't want to be with them? Because people change, because they make mistakes, because sometimes the circumstances of daily life are just against your relationship. Because sometimes the grass looks greener when it really isn't. Because sometimes the person is right and the timing is wrong. Because sometimes you gotta forgive. And finally, because nothing's definite until you're dead.
Art_Critic Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Why would anyone go back to someone who didn't want to be with them? That is probably the healthiest choice.. but if we always took the healthiest choice we wouldn't be human and have a heart.. Sometimes having heart and showing it can be a good thing too.. just as protecting yourself and closing something off can sometimes also be a good thing..
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Because people change, because they make mistakes, because sometimes the circumstances of daily life are just against your relationship. Because sometimes the grass looks greener when it really isn't. Because sometimes the person is right and the timing is wrong. Because sometimes you gotta forgive. And finally, because nothing's definite until you're dead. I dunno. Love does not conquer all. I get angry at my psycho ex for still wanting to be with me. It f***s with my current relationships. It complicates my life and reminds me of something that is over for a reason. By hanging on he has transformed any residual love I may have had into annoyance and irritation and occassional bitter anger. Leave me alone. I have a life that does not include you any more. I want to be free of you and you won't just let go!
Author riobikini Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 b_o, re: " No. After a while apart from someone I can shut my feelings off manually. I still think of them here and there and I quash those thoughts quickly, and cruelly. I chose to speak negatively of them, in my head, and envision chopping down the tree of our relationship inside my head and eating on the stump. I will not allow anyone to have a hold on me unless they are with me. I simply will not let it happen." I, too, believe that, even tho I am capable of human emotion, that it doesn't necessarily mean that they automatically earn the right to have free run, power, and control over my more rational thinking. That rational thinking is important to me, -it helps to protect me. My rational thinking is what won out over my emotions to help develop a 'little' something called 'self-respect', which makes up a good deal of my protection. My self-respect kicks in to tell me when someone is obviously pushing close to, or stepping on my boundaries. And, depending on how seriously I take those boundaries and am willing to defend them, will determine how far I can be 'pushed' 'or dragged along' in a relationship. When I've given it a decent shot at saving it -it didn't work- and I've had enough, and I feel like my boundaries are being abused or threatened -make no mistake about it- I cut off the relationship like a dead, gangrenous appendage. At that point, it simply poses a threat to the rest of me (my overall well-being) and is no longer useful to me, nor does it offer anything more in positive regard. Look, if love makes you feel bad, -it's either sick, or dead, or dying. Whether or not it can be saved, is individual to each of the circumstances. Bottom line for me? I'll break off the knife, let it heal over and carry it with me the rest of my life, but I'll never try to repair it again, once my first efforts were ignored or abused, and you've stuck it to me that deep. -Rio
KittenMoon Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I dunno. Love does not conquer all. I get angry at my psycho ex for still wanting to be with me. It f***s with my current relationships. It complicates my life and reminds me of something that is over for a reason. By hanging on he has transformed any residual love I may have had into annoyance and irritation and occassional bitter anger. Leave me alone. I have a life that does not include you any more. I want to be free of you and you won't just let go! I didn't mean you should hang on, just that sometimes you're presented with a situation where someone regrets leaving you/hurting you/cheating on you and at that point you get a CHOICE to forgive or not to forgive. Crazy people do not factor into my opinions on this.
shelters Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 When I went NC I closed the door. It has really helped me to regroup a lot. For me, I had to ask myself, ok so what if he does call and decide he has made a mistake? Then what? How does it work? The immediate gratification of him returning comes with a sh*tload of reality that I just don't have the answers to. If that bridge comes around I can analyze it all then. Right now, my focus is on me because I am the only common denominator in each of my relationships. ... I do think people can change, though. I have a couple examples in my life where the second chance did work out... but... TONS of work by both people was involved with these success stories.
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I don't believe in *second chances*. You f*** up with me - you're out. Simple as that. And the excuses that are used by the f***-uppers are astonishing indeed - "oh, I'm just human" or "it's my hormones" or "I'm weak." Well, as far as that last excuse, there may be some validity to it! Second chances, reconciliation, tearful reunions, "let's fall in love again"... blah. It's all garbage. Giving in to any of that is a HUGE sign of weakness in this writer's humble opinion. Weakness implies failure - and failure is not an option.
KittenMoon Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 When I went NC I closed the door. It has really helped me to regroup a lot. For me, I had to ask myself, ok so what if he does call and decide he has made a mistake? Then what? How does it work? The immediate gratification of him returning comes with a sh*tload of reality that I just don't have the answers to. If that bridge comes around I can analyze it all then. Right now, my focus is on me because I am the only common denominator in each of my relationships. I do think people can change, though. I have a couple examples in my life where the second chance did work out... but... TONS of work by both people was involved with these success stories. You're totally on the level here, shelters. Just because it COULD happen doesn't mean anyone here should be making plans for it at this point.
basscatcher Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I have a relationship in my past that if the situation presented itself I would make a do or die stab at her.. maybe to an air strike of flowers or candy or something.. But the situation would have to present itself and I would have to know that she isn't dating anyone.. I would more or less have to know that she still had feelings for me It's men in this frame of mind that I seem to end up with and I get hurt. One of my biggest peeves is dating a man who has a X in their past that they still have feeling for and a string of hope renewing a relationsihp with them. I feel cheated and not given a fair chance to build a real relationship with the man if he still holds onto someone in his past. *When I walk from a relationship I don't go back. I have twice been tempted but declined immediately. I believe if we couldn't make it work the first time around I doubt we would make it a second time. *If I have been dumped out of the blue I am typically tramatized and feel severe abandonment. (Especially, if I wanted the relationship.) Letting go of what I wanted is very hard for me. I struggle with moving forward emotionally. Emotional detachment is very hard for me.
murtucky Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 i am current involved in a not quite letting it go situation.... i have tried and tried, gave it my all, practiced humility, revenge, tenderness...and the like. Here is the real reason for keeping the door open. The issues that made the relationship falter are not being communicated or addressed. a.k.a. No closure. Its easy to keep this problem going in your mind, and its like putting the cart before the horse...the relationship goes nowhere until the horse (the other one in the former relationship) decides to pull again... On the outside of the relationship of the horse and cart: there are many interesting options: You can examine the cart, the horse, invent new ways to make it move again...like putting the horse inside the cart and nudging it, or alongside the cart to hide either element....etc..you get the picture.... BUT IT CAN ONLY BE SUCCESSFUL ONE WAY! horse pulling cart = working model = Both parties have to work right, and have the will to be led or lead.... I am one who doesn't let go easy...but i find that it just delays the inevitable and is truly a wasteful endeavor. The only way to truly get someone back is to not lose them in the first place, and covet them when you have them. A little luck and alot of patience, communication, and hard work, and woila! You got a dedicated significant other. If it ends, you have to let go....then, after they are done whoring themselves out to every chachi at the clubs for a couple of months....your coveting, hard work, patience, communication will serve you more than any begging, yelling, lecturing, and torturing you plan to do. Unless that chachi has a trust fund and a lexus..... then disregard the above mentioned information
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 The issues that made the relationship falter are not being communicated or addressed. a.k.a. No closure. Ok, if you need to talk to someone or communicate or whatever to get closure, explain how people get closure over the death of a loved one? Psychic hotline? Closure does not require the participation of any party other that yourself.
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Ok, if you need to talk to someone or communicate or whatever to get closure, explain how people get closure over the death of a loved one? Psychic hotline? Closure does not require the participation of any party other that yourself. Bad analogy. The end of a relationship isn't the same thing as the death of a loved one.
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Closure is closure is closure. Period. Same process regardless of the type of loss, just to a lesser degree. Someone who has difficulty processing emotion wouldn't be able to understand that, though.
SmoochieFace Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Closure is closure is closure. Period. Same process regardless of the type of loss, just to a lesser degree. Someone who has difficulty processing emotion wouldn't be able to understand that, though. Closure from a broken relationship can be obtained by communicating with the other party. One can find out the reasons for the termination of the relationship. If you are dumped then the other person can shed some insight on why you were dumped and thus lead to closure. You can't do that with a corpse though unless you have some serious supernatural abilities. Two different things...
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