JUSTME3 Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I have been dating a guy for about 2 months. He is WONDERFUL is so so many ways. He is so wonderful that he may even be thee one except for one not so little problem...erectlie dysfunction. I have never dealt with this problem. I so hope this is not too graffic but he does get an erection for short times but then it just goes away. He will even have the big O when he is no longer erect. At first I thought it may be the jitters of a new relationship but it does not seem to be going away. He is a very astute fabuous lover in every way. He is always wanting so I will assume it is not because of sexual attraction. He acts as if this little problem does not even exist and always seeks to please me one way or another. However, it is very very frustrating not to experience him. I so like him and do not want to embarras or hurt his feelings in anyway but I do not think I can live with this. How would I approach talking to him about this? Is there anything I can do personally to correct this problem short of slipping him viagra? If I did slip him Viagra how could I mask it? Would it be unethical for me to slip him something? I so like this guy...could someone please offer me some guidance or support.
littlepiggy1 Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Do not under any circumstances slip him pills. That's highly unethical and potentially dangerous. I would simply approach him honestly, but tactfully about it. Stress that you do enjoy the relationship, him, etc, but that you would really want to have sex with him. Chances are he could get defensive about it, so if he does, don't press it too much right away. You may have to work up to it, so to speak.
ehead Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 With the availability of ED drugs today, this is such an easy problem to fix (in 90% of the cases). The first step is just having a discussion with him. ED is something that can come and go, btw, so just because someone has ED now does not mean they will have ED for the rest of their lives. There are many factors, and it can have pychological or physical roots. A doctor once tested the pressure (hardness) of mens erections in various age groups, and found it is normal for mens erections to loose their potency with age. Factors such as exercise and diet can turn this around somewhat. Cardiovascular exercise is great for maintaining/improving erection strength with age. Anyway ... try and be lighthearted about it. I'd recommend he try Cialis. You will likely be amazed ... your boyfriend will probably have the erections of an 18 yo guy again. BTW, our society sort of perpetuates untruths about the aging process ... such as when people go gray or loose their hair, develop hair in their ears, start having ED problems, get hair on their backs, etc ... In my experience all of these things happen sooner than is commonly thought, and people are just too embarrassed to discuss it. I don't have hair on my back yet, btw.
Author JUSTME3 Posted April 26, 2006 Author Posted April 26, 2006 One of my girls has come up with the ultimate nonconfrontational way to handle this. Over the next few weeks I will proceed as follows.... Act 1 Compliment him on his hot ways Act 2 Do something a little interesting in the bedroom...Halls menthol or some of that lotion that gets all hot. Focus on things that are pleasing to both of us. Tell him how I love to try new things Act 3 Pull out the viagra one night and suggest we both take it because I have been wondering what it would be like. PRAY IT WORKS. If it does tell him how much I loved it and how we need to keep doing this.... How does this sound?
sydgal Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Hi JUSTME3, I share a very similar problem as you. I've been dating this guy for 10 months now. The first night he stayed over my place was a disaster. He sweat all night, and could not get it up at all. He told me he was nervous, had performance anxiety, and assured me that it was only because I was a new partner. 2 months went by and the problem did not go away. He would turn me on, get a little hard, but not enough for penetration. Then I had to finish him off with my hands. No orgasm for me for 3-4 months. I started to feel really frustrated, so I decided to break up. Only then he realized how big of a problem it was for me (no penetration), then he started trying Viagra and Cialis. I had already lost most of my feelings for him by then. It's now been 10 months, and my sex life with him is still the same. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. I've never experienced such problem before, and don't know how to deal with it. I no longer have any feelings for him sexually. I actively avoid touching him or being touched as I know that, more often than not, I will get disappointed, again and again. The only thing that's left for me to do now is to break up with him. Sorry I don't have any advice for you as I don't know how to deal with it myself. I just hope things will work out for you and your guy. All the best...
Wicked Wanda Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 JustMe3, If you care for him, do not give up! Sometimes time and patience wins! When Blair came back into my life, he had a similar problem but I didn't let that stop me. I read up and tried new things and it made a world of difference.
Wicked Wanda Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I no longer have any feelings for him sexually. I actively avoid touching him or being touched as I know that, more often than not, I will get disappointed, again and again. The only thing that's left for me to do now is to break up with him.... At one point in my life, I thought sex was everything... I've learned from experience that sometimes being close to someone without the sex can be just as gratifying. You've given me the impression that even though he cannot/did not penetrate you that he did not try to satisfy you in any other way... now that's selfish! Hun, if you've reached a point where nothing he does is enough for you, then the kindest thing that you can do is let him go...
ImWithHim Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Pull out the viagra one night and suggest we both take it because I have been wondering what it would be like. I'm assuming you're a male too? I'm not sure I would like the idea of both of you taking it. You don't want your body (or mind) to begin to depend on something like that to get an errection.
Groovy Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 Same situation, when I realized he was limp all the time I wondered what to do. He did that big orgasm with it limp as well, which I didn't know was possible. He felt oral sex was great but if I am making a committment I'd like to believe sex will occur at some point. I realized he wasn't going to talk to a doctor about it and I guess sex just wasn't important enough to him. Let's face it, if I met a man and said I had a problem and wasn't doing anything about it so we'd never have sex, he would be gone! So why should I stay? He was big drinker and I think that was part of it. It was worse for me than not dating at all because I did care about him and wanted to do things for him so I ended it. I'm not saying do that. I'm saying give it time, discuss it with him at some point because if not you'll break it off anyway. This at least will give it a chance. Some men are willing to look in the mirror and some aren't. But it you end it based on sexual problems I wouldn't feel too bad especially when you tried.
Wicked Wanda Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 I'm assuming you're a male too? I'm not sure I would like the idea of both of you taking it. You don't want your body (or mind) to begin to depend on something like that to get an errection. Woman can take Viagara too. In men, the blood flow is directed to the penis causing erection - in women, it flows to the clitoris and enhances the woman's sensations... Manly, yes - but we like it too, darling...
bumbaclot Posted May 6, 2006 Posted May 6, 2006 The problem could come from a completely unexpected angle. If he did not have sex for a long time, he was masterbating and got used to his own hand (yes, it's sounds funny, but it's very true!). Another issue could be that he is a porn addict and now cannot get aroused even if you are really hot looking, because his mind is looking for something different (a dirty porn star). I've had both problems. I was in a terrible relationship for 3 years and after breakup, I did not date (and therefor had no sex) for 2 years. Just couldn't do it. I needed lots of time off. I started watching a little porn here and there, and playing with the soldier. Eventually it developed into an a bad addiction. I was wasting many hours downloading pornos to satisfy my cravings, polishing the buckle for several hours a day, etc... When I got into the relationship with a girl I really liked, I hit the problem that I did not know existed. I had ED, and I am in my 20s! Sometimes it'd awake, and then die unexpectedly. Other times it'd work. Mostly it performed very poorly. I did a lot of reseach and found tons of info about these addictions. I quit watching porn comletely and rubbing the genie very infrequently (and being very gentle when I do it). I see a huge of difference. Porn addiction is a big problem that is not discussed public yet, because of the stigma attached, but it's there and it's gonna get even bigger! The internet makes access easier than ever. People get sucked into it real fast. More info http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porn_Addiction
noclobber Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 polishing the buckle for several hours a day, etc... Do you mean shagging several times in a single day? I quit watching porn comletely and rubbing the genie very infrequently (and being very gentle when I do it). I see a huge of difference. Was this enough to get over ED? How often do you masturbate now? and what exactly do you mean by "being very gentle to it"? How long did it take before you could notice any significant difference? Can you please answer in detail?
ImWithHim Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 Woman can take Viagara too. In men, the blood flow is directed to the penis causing erection - in women, it flows to the clitoris and enhances the woman's sensations... Wow....I had no idea. Learn something new everyday!
amerikajin Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 I have occasionally suffered from ED. Let me preface this discussion by saying that sex can be more complicated than a lot of people realize. Sex is highly pyschological, something that's lost on a lot of people - especially younger people whose hormones are raging. I'd say that under the age of 25, a guy is so full of hormonal rage that just looking at a hot chick can almost get him off (that's the way it was for me anyway). But after a while, sexual energy dissipates ever so slightly. Most of the time it's not even noticeable. But if a guy is stressed out or has things on his mind, it can greatly inhibit sexual performance. In my experience, erectile dysfunction is, naturally, a product of psychological factors. I say that because I can get myself off without any problem, and I have been able to ejaculate in the past with none of my one-nighters and all of my long-term relationship partners. That latter fact told me alot: it told me that I was comfortable with my girlfriends and highly uncomfortable with girls I barely knew. For me to get off, I need to feel secure, and I need to know that a woman will accept me. The thing is, even in my relationships, it took me a few times before I could get into the flow. Both of the women I had good sex with were older, and I think they made me feel much more at ease with my body. They didn't take me for granted, and they didn't in any way pressure me to perform. In the end, the results paid off. In the end, the psychological issues that I was bringing to bed were no longer there - until the relationship itself hit the rocks. At that point, even the horniest guys start to slack off in terms of interest in their partner. The fact that your guy can get hard for even a short period should be somewhat reassuring. I think the problem appears to be one in which he periodically loses concentration. He isn't able to get into the 'zone', so to speak. My advice to you is to be patient, but at the same time, he also has to understand your expectations, and that those expectations are fair. It is not unreasonable to seek ways to develop a healthy sexual relationship with him, and while you should be understanding of his issues, he should be understanding of your desires as well. I think you should just talk to him about it as tactfully as you possibly can. I don't think you need to beat around the bush. I would not spell out any possible future consequences for him, though, unless he shows an unwillingness to work with you on this. For now, just tell him that you'd like to have a good, healthy sexual relationship with him, and that you think it's an important part of any relationship, and more importantly, that in the end, you feel that this can help him enjoy the relationship to its fullest, the same way you would.
bumbaclot Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 Do you mean shagging several times in a single day? Sometimes I did it a few times a day, mostly it was just a single session that'd take an hour, or sometimes even more, because I was looking for "something better" all the time. I'd download one flick, then not get satisfied, then get something else... etc... Was this enough to get over ED? I am still in the process. It's definetely working! I am sure eventually it'll be gone forever. One thing I noticed that definetely proves the progress is that I am now able to get an erection from just thinking about sex. I was able to do that when I was younger, but as I got addicted to porn, it was gone. I needed some strong imagery (hardcore porn) for the member to work. The power of the mind was not enough. How often do you masturbate now? I try to limit myself to once a week. Occasionaly, if I get really, really horny, I'll have an extra session and what exactly do you mean by "being very gentle to it"? Not squeezing it really hard. Preferable do it with your fingers rather than the whole palm/hand. How long did it take before you could notice any significant difference? About a month at most. Said that, I cut the porn 100% out of my life. And I have strong will power and I can control myself 99% of the time when I am really horny and not "do it".
bumbaclot Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 interesting post from the "Similar Threads" section: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t73356/
bumbaclot Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 One more thing. Sorry for so many posts in a row. I also started working out and that also helped a lot. I noticed this especially right after the gym. I get really horny and aroused real quick. Erections are usually very hard and don't go limp. This also makes sense from medical perspective. Exercise increase the blood flow, thus blood has easier access to the penis.
noclobber Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 Thanks much for the detailed reply! How old are you? Can you tell me specifically what exercises did you do in the gym? Does running help?
bumbaclot Posted May 7, 2006 Posted May 7, 2006 I am in my early 20s. I don't think it matters what exercises you do specifically. You just need to exercise generally. You'll feel better. Here is a detailed routing I am planning on starting tomorrow: http://www.ast-ss.com/training/getting_started/getting_started.asp?part=1&page=4
noclobber Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Thanks Bumbaclot! One last question. How did you manage to quit pornography? You just decided to stop and went cold turkey? Do let me know 'cos off late I am watching a lot and I guess its becoming a problem.
bumbaclot Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 How did you manage to quit pornography? yes, I quit cold turkey. As I said earlier, I have strong will power and most of the time if I decide something, I'll do it. I generally don't beleive in gradually quitting habbits. It just doesn't work. If you want to quit something, doesn't matter what it is, then make up your mind and just do it. Sure you can snap sometimes and cheat yourself. Don't beat and punish yourself. Just acknowledge that you've slipped, and continue with your mission.
Warlock Posted May 8, 2006 Posted May 8, 2006 Sorry I don't have any advice for you as I don't know how to deal with it myself. I just hope things will work out for you and your guy. All the best... Hi All and especially Sydgal. This situation sounds very similar to my personal experience so I'd just like to give you the guys perspective. I have ED and it's really hard to deal with. I generally hope that it'll go away and everything will be alright. If I don't get an erection, I'll use my hands or toungue to give the girl an orgasm. However, I'm aware that some girls like more than this, but in my overly optimistic state it takes a while to go to the doctors and get some drugs (and I find it quite embarrassing). So, I guess the advice would be - if your boyfriend isn't satisfying you, let him know as soon as possible so that he can get his confidence up and go and get some help. If someone doesn't know what the problem is, they can't solve it Also, don't be ambiguous about it. Guys are really bad at interpreting subtle suggestions. Say something like 'I really like you but I need more from our love life. I've heard that 'insert drug name' might help us so why don't we try it.' If he's too in denial or embarrased to go to the doctor you could try going yourself. I've always found medical professionals to be very understanding, when I've had the confidence to consult them. It might also help to know that I've had relationships where the ED did go away. If you are both commited to solving the problem then it will work. You just have to recognise the problem before anyones feelings are too badly hurt. Oh, and while I'm posting, Cialis works much better than Viagra - but you still need to be aroused for them to function. If you're not in the mood or you've just had an arguement they won't give you an automatic erection.
noclobber Posted May 9, 2006 Posted May 9, 2006 yes, I quit cold turkey. As I said earlier, I have strong will power and most of the time if I decide something, I'll do it. I generally don't beleive in gradually quitting habbits. It just doesn't work. If you want to quit something, doesn't matter what it is, then make up your mind and just do it. Sure you can snap sometimes and cheat yourself. Don't beat and punish yourself. Just acknowledge that you've slipped, and continue with your mission. Thanks a lot bro!! You have really been of great help to me!
Recommended Posts