BeautifulLife Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Hello all, I am new to the forums and I just wanted to share my story. I've spent a little time looking around here and it's nice to finally find others who are in my situation. I am a 23 y/o/f and I am in a situation that never in a million years would I have dreamed to find myself in. I am having an affair with a 48-year-old married man. I'll try to explain what lead to this point. I've known "R" for about a year. We both volunteer as EMTs (Emergency Medical Technicians) for the EMS here in our small town. I met him when I joined the service last year. Right away there was a sort of "easiness" between us. By that, I mean that we were instantly comfortable with one another. Talking to one another was easy. It was one of those "I feel like I've known you forever" type of things. Just a great friendship, and a connection that you don't find every day. In the year since I've known R, I've gone through the process of getting a divorce, which should be final in the next month or so. My ex is bipolar with several other mental illnesses and refuses to get help. After 3 marriage counselors and several separations, I finally realized that he would never be willing to put his all into our marriage, and get the help he needs to function. For the sake of my 4-year-old daughter and I, I filed for divorce. Unfortunately, my financial situation didn't allow me for the best of lawyers. When I was frustrated with the lack of information and answers to my questions from my lawyer, I called R because I knew he had been through the process before. He knew that I was going through a rough time and had offered to help in any way he could. I didn't have any other close friends who had been through a divorce. When I called him, we ended up talking for hours. Not just about divorce, but about lots of other things as well. We found out that we had more in common than we'd previously thought. In fact, it was almost as if we were "separated at birth" (he joked that it was a long labor). We can finish each other's sentences, and know what the other is thinking even before they can express it. We share the same interests and ideas, from the little things (like what temperature we keep the house) to the big things (like our views on religion and relationships and what makes us happy/sad and just life in general). I should also state that R's marriage is in a bad state as well. His wife served him with divorce papers 3 or 4 years ago. However, they decided to try again, but not much has changed. They've been married almost 11 years and he says that they haven't gotten along for pretty much all of those 11 years. He says he "settled" for her after his ex-wife cheated on him and he went through his prior divorce. He says they got along okay, but there just wasn't that "spark" there. She was a principal and he thought she'd be good for his kids (he had 2 boys at the time, ages 11 and 2). The oldest one is now out of the house. However, when he and his current wife had another child together, his other boy became the "red-headed stepchild." His wife openly admits to taking her anger at R out on R's son. She will tell him to his face that she doesn't like him. They've been to 3 different marriage counselors and he says it's like pulling teeth to get her to go. She told him recently that it's hard for her to look at him sleeping and "not kill him" when she comes to bed at night. I do not know her personally, although I had met her in passing before R and I really knew each other well. I do know that she is not very well-liked by most of the staff in the school where she works. However, I also know there are 2 sides to every story, and R is open about admitting some of his own faults as well, and what he believes he has done wrong in the marriage. R and I started talking more and more often, emailing each other, calling each other, and running errands around town together. The type of friendship we had was something that I've never experienced before. It's almost like we are one in the same person. It's kind of creepy, actually. Eerie. And the underlying sexual attraction was starting to be there. Eventually I told R that I didn't feel comfortable spending so much time with him since he was married. I felt us having an "emotional" affair. He had been talking of leaving his wife for quite a few months by then, long before our relationship grew so close. I told him that it would be different if they were in the process of a divorce, but until things got to that point, I didn't want to spend so much time with him. Unfortunately, neither of us seems to be able to say "no" to each other. He has told me that he believes we are "soulmates," and I feel the same way. The bond between us is so strong that neither of us seems to be able to break it apart. I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted to do in regards to his marriage. He told me he wanted to leave, and that he would do so within the next couple of months. He started inquiring about a house in town to buy. But now he is hesitating. He tells me he knows if he stays, things won't change. They haven't for 11 years. He says there is no emotional or physical chemistry between the 2 of them. He and the boys walk on eggshells around her, for fear of setting off her temper. She treats his son awfully and favors their son. He says he knows that things would be wonderful with me. We share an emotional, physical, and mental bond that he says he has never experienced with anyone, and neither have I. He says he doesn't really have any good reason to stay, but he just can't seem to walk away. From what he's told me and how well I know his personality, I know that he is the type of person who doesn't like to fail. This is his third marriage. He claims responsibility for the first one ending (he says he was young and stupid, and didn't treat her as well as he should; he says he still regrets that to this day). On his second marriage, his wife cheated on him. I know he has put everything he has into making this third marriage work. He's tried counselors, tried talking to her on his own, and everything he can think of. He says he has finally been able to get her to talk a little bit, and she says that she doesn't know if their marriage could ever be good, and that maybe he needs somebody else that could be there for him more than she can. But she's also threatened to take him for everything he is worth if he leaves. He says he doesn't want to break up another family either (his kids are 13 and 8 now). He worries because he has full custody of his son from his second marriage and has a very demanding job. His son has ADD and he worries about being a single dad and the balancing act that will require. I know people say that "if he really loved you, he would leave." But I don't necessarily things are that black and white. I don't think such a decision can be made hastily, especially when there are kids involved. I am glad that he is really sitting and thinking about what things would be like if he were to leave and not just jumping in head first. I know there are so many other people's feelings involved besides my own. As hypocritical as it may sound, I do not like to hurt other people. The guilt I feel over this affair is awful. But then there is the other side of me that feels such a deep connection with him, that I can't bring myself to end this. He says he feels like he's sitting on a fence, wondering which way he will fall. He's gone so far as to inquire about houses for sale in the area to buy for himself so he can leave, but now he says he doesn't know when or what will make him "get off the fence" so to speak. I have offered to reach up and shove him off....I told him at this point I almost don't care which side he lands on, as long as he picks a side!! He says he knows things would be wonderful with me. But he doesn't know why he can't leave. I never thought I would find myself falling for a married man, much less one that is almost 25 years older than I. I do believe everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. I know that we were placed in each other's lives for a reason. I am struggling to figure out why that is. The connection we have is something that transcends age, or gender, or any kind of social background. It's almost like we have the same soul. There were just too many little things that had to fall into place for us to meet to be a coincidence. And then to discover that we were each other's "other halves" on top of that, just isn't something you find every day. I am struggling to figure out why he is hesitating to leave such a bad marriage. I also know that rarely is anything black and white. I think it would be easy to look at our situation and tell me to leave him alone, to go away, and I know that I should do that. But that's much easier said than done. I do want to do the right thing, but my heart won't let me. I'm just afraid of being teased with this, like saying "here's how much you can connect with someone, how much you can have in common, what a unique bond you can share.....but you can't have it, and you have to just sit and let him walk away." I do not believe I am young or naieve. I may be 23, but usually people are surprised to find out that I am that young. I have never acted my age, or so I've been told. An "old soul" people say. I've experienced many things in life already that forced me to grow up fast. I've had the big wedding and dreams of white picket fence and 2.5 kids with a dog in the yard. I know how much work a marriage takes. I know how it feels to fail. I was a single mom at age 19, bought my own home and worked to get a good job to make a decent living for my daughter and I, without any physical or financial support from her biological father. (My ex-husband is not the father of my daughter; I married him when she was 2-1/2.) I've already lost one parent to cancer. I know that life is short, and I don't believe in wasting time being unhappy. I don't really know what I'm looking for with this post. I kind of just wanted to get my story out there and see how people responded to it. I am looking for some insight as to why R is hesitating to leave, although he says even he doesn't know. I hope that I am not judged too harshly, because I already judge myself over this, and believe me, I am my own worst critic. Thank you all in advance for reading this, and your replies.
newbby Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 if he marriage is as bad as it sounds, then he has absolutely no excuse whatsoever, for not leaving. he cannot even claim he stays with her for the sake of his child. so i suggest you tell him to knock on your door when he is single and leave it at that, that is, do not contact him again. if he still chooses to stay with her after this, he is either, insane, or he was lying in the first place. you are actually in a good postion, use it well.
zarathustra Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Unfortunately, neither of us seems to be able to say "no" to each other. He has told me that he believes we are "soulmates," and I feel the same way. The bond between us is so strong that neither of us seems to be able to break it apart. I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted to do in regards to his marriage. He told me he wanted to leave, and that he would do so within the next couple of months. He started inquiring about a house in town to buy. But now he is hesitating. He tells me he knows if he stays, things won't change. They haven't for 11 years. He says there is no emotional or physical chemistry between the 2 of them. He and the boys walk on eggshells around her, for fear of setting off her temper. She treats his son awfully and favors their son. He says he knows that things would be wonderful with me. We share an emotional, physical, and mental bond that he says he has never experienced with anyone, and neither have I. He says he doesn't really have any good reason to stay, but he just can't seem to walk away. If he says he doesn't have any good reason to stay but is staying, then there is something wrong with what he's telling you. Actions speaks louder than words. He can tell you how really bad it is, but if he doesn't leave, it should tell you that its not as bad as it sounds. From what he's told me and how well I know his personality, I know that he is the type of person who doesn't like to fail. This is his third marriage. He claims responsibility for the first one ending (he says he was young and stupid, and didn't treat her as well as he should; he says he still regrets that to this day). On his second marriage, his wife cheated on him. I know he has put everything he has into making this third marriage work. He's tried counselors, tried talking to her on his own, and everything he can think of. He says he has finally been able to get her to talk a little bit, and she says that she doesn't know if their marriage could ever be good, and that maybe he needs somebody else that could be there for him more than she can. But she's also threatened to take him for everything he is worth if he leaves. His staying or leaving doesn't make him a success in anything unless the marriage is a happy one. If he stays in an unhappy marriage, he has failed himself. In the end, a marriage does not define the successfulness of an individual, how one treats himself/herself and those around them is the measure of success. He's got twisted logic. He says he doesn't want to break up another family either (his kids are 13 and 8 now). He worries because he has full custody of his son from his second marriage and has a very demanding job. His son has ADD and he worries about being a single dad and the balancing act that will require. She's his wife, not a convenient baby sitter. If she's as horrible as he makes her sound, it would be better for his son who has ADD to be away from a woman who looks at him as a red-headed step child. I don't think that people with disabilities or disorders need to be around others who erodes their self esteem. I know people say that "if he really loved you, he would leave." But I don't necessarily things are that black and white. No, he should leave if he loves you. He should leave for himself and his son. That in itself ought to be the black and white. You are just the excuse for him to leave should he choose to use you as an excuse. He says he feels like he's sitting on a fence, wondering which way he will fall. He's gone so far as to inquire about houses for sale in the area to buy for himself so he can leave, but now he says he doesn't know when or what will make him "get off the fence" so to speak. I have offered to reach up and shove him off....I told him at this point I almost don't care which side he lands on, as long as he picks a side!! He says he knows things would be wonderful with me. But he doesn't know why he can't leave. You have the option of shoving him off be removing yourself from the situation. You have the power to control the situation to choose the path that best suits you. Its hard, but its something to think about. I never thought I would find myself falling for a married man, much less one that is almost 25 years older than I. I do believe everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. I know that we were placed in each other's lives for a reason. I am struggling to figure out why that is. The connection we have is something that transcends age, or gender, or any kind of social background. It's almost like we have the same soul. There were just too many little things that had to fall into place for us to meet to be a coincidence. And then to discover that we were each other's "other halves" on top of that, just isn't something you find every day. Yeah, the reason that you met may be as simple as being tried and strengthened. To be proven that you are capable of handling more than you imagined you can handle. I am struggling to figure out why he is hesitating to leave such a bad marriage. I also know that rarely is anything black and white. Things are grey if you let them be grey. It is a black and white situation. If he's not happy, then he should leave, regardless if you are in his life or not. If things are not as bad as he makes them out to be, then he stays and work things out. If he's hesitating he's leaning agains the latter option. In which case, I say, "run for your life!!" I do not believe I am young or naieve. I may be 23, but usually people are surprised to find out that I am that young. I have never acted my age, or so I've been told. An "old soul" people say. I've experienced many things in life already that forced me to grow up fast. I've had the big wedding and dreams of white picket fence and 2.5 kids with a dog in the yard. I know how much work a marriage takes. I know how it feels to fail. I was a single mom at age 19, bought my own home and worked to get a good job to make a decent living for my daughter and I, without any physical or financial support from her biological father. (My ex-husband is not the father of my daughter; I married him when she was 2-1/2.) I've already lost one parent to cancer. I know that life is short, and I don't believe in wasting time being unhappy. You're right... life is short. You may end up being unhappy not because of what you choose to do, but what he chooses for his life. I think your odds are better if you were to find someone who isn't married and can put the time and effort into a relationship with you. Been there, done that. Good luck!
2sunny Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 A MM will tell the OW anything to keep her around. His wife may not be as bad as he says, hence, his staying with her. No marriage is perfect, however for him, the good must outweigh the bad or he would have left by now. It is easy for him to have fun with you while he still keeps his marriage in tact.
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 If you love him, and he loves you, he needs to do the work to get to the point where you can have a loving relationship that is out in the open. That's all there is to it. Complications and stuff are totally manageable if both people are willing to do the work. There is no such thing as a valid excuse to stay in a marriage that is so horrible that one or both parties must look outside the union for succor and support.
Author BeautifulLife Posted April 26, 2006 Author Posted April 26, 2006 I just wanted to thank you all for your replies. Most of the things you said, I have thought to myself also. This A has been going on for only about 2 months, and I am already tiring of it. I just need to find the strength to do something about it. I just wish that it didn't have to hurt so much.
Recommended Posts