Gemini1975 Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Help Im not sure what to do Im a 36 year old women who is very happily married. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we have been together for 7 years. We have no children - but are trying to have a baby. This is going to sound so nuts. Some where a long the lines I started developing feelings for a co-worker / life long friend. He is 30 and i have known him since he was a baby we grew up together. We have been friends for years. About 3 years ago I started to have warm fuzzy feelings for him. I found myself buying nicer clothes for work and doing my make up nicer. I was never sure if he had feelings for me but the way he looked at me sometimes I was starting to think he was at least attracted to me. When he quit his job I admitted to him that I had feelings for him and that I was going to miss him after spending every day with him for 5 years. I told him I was confused at how I could have feelings for him when I love my husband so much. he didn't have much to say and that was the last we ever talked about it until now. Ohh and did I mention nothing ever happened. Its now been 2 years since we worked together and we have seen each other maybe at a handful of events birthdays and what not. We hadn't seen each other in 6 months - he invited me to a party he was having and I went with a friend. Him and I talked for 3 hours kind of rudly ignoring everyone else to catch up on old times. Its like when we are together no one else exsits. blah blah blah. Ok so here is where it gets tricky. The next weekend there is this card game that we get invited to - my husband is out of town and so is his girlfriend. We end up walking home and we start talking about how we can just pick up right where we left off. We end up realizing that we booth after all this time are still attracted to each other and we kiss - one kiss only. Then we sat and talked for another couple of hours holding hands and kind of cuddling. I tried to convince my self that the kiss was closher to a different part of my life and that this would never happen again. 4 weeks latter it happened again. And then this last weekend I caught my self playing footsies with him under a table with my husband sitting right next to me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME - I love my husband I don't want to leave him for this other guy. I want to go back to being friends only with my buddy but I can't stop thinking about him - It eating away at me. HELP
movinon05 Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 The first thing you have to do is read through as many posts on here as you can, see the heartbreak, and realize that is what you are destined for if you continue. You love your husband. Stop and refocus what you want in your life. If you can't see what will happen by reading these posts, then you are fooling yourself. Think of how your husband would feel. Think about how you would feel if your husband did this. STOP. THINK NOW. Before its too late. You are playing games with your life and others. Just once I'd like to see someone be so scared by what they read here that they don't take the plunge into what will be an abysmal future. There is so much wrenching heartbreak on these boards, you'd have to be numb to not feel it. Do us all a favor. Be the one who walked away rather than join our sorry pity party.
Author Gemini1975 Posted April 24, 2006 Author Posted April 24, 2006 Thank you for your advice. You don't think its too late. I haven't gone to far?
movinon05 Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 You kissed and played footsie. No, you have not gone too far to end it now. You said you don't want to leave your husband for this guy. You don't even know if this guy is interested in you doing that. You have more invested in that you are married - not to take away from his GF. Once you become emotionally invested and also physically invested, its all downhill. There is no reason in the world you can't stop this now unless you want to be one of us. Seriously, if you are happy, walk away from it. Tell him you realized you are playing with fire and are happily married. I'm sure he'll understand. Nothing is worth the pain you will go through if you go further. One of the main reasons I post here - after a 7 yr affair which ended my marriage and put myself and children through hell as well as his family - is to hopefully stop someone else from going through the same pain. Again - have you thought how your husband would feel? Have you thought how you would feel if your husband did this? Think long and hard about those two things. Perhaps that will be enough to stop it now. You can also do this by not putting yourself in situations where the potential for something to happen comes along. Re-focus your energy into your marriage.
Author Gemini1975 Posted April 24, 2006 Author Posted April 24, 2006 You are right. The best way for me to avoid this going any further other then self control is to make sure that I am not putting myself in any situations that I could be alone with him and tempted. Im being so selfish and only thinking about my feelings. What about his GF (Im friends with her too). She would be so upset she loves him more then anything. If his GF and my husband found out there would be 4 peoples lives screwed up not just mine. And one of the most important things to me is that I don't loose him as a friend. He is a huge part of my life on so many different levels. If this continues I can't imagine us being friends. Not only have I considered my husbands feelings he would be crushed. It would destroy him - I would be crushed if he was even thinking about another woman :-(. I will walk away. I will stop this before its too late and I will faithful to my husband who I love. Your advice has helped me so much - I have kept this all inside i haven't been able to reach out to any one and even talk about it. I apprecaite your honesty. I am hoping more people will post there response to teach me a lesson in humble pie.
movinon05 Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Good. You're using your head now. You're thinking of others besides yourself. There will be other posters who will add very insightful things. Give it a day - I guarantee it. You will not regret walking away. Good luck and do us all a favor. Come back and tell us you did the right thing, you stopped it, you had the talk with him, he understood, you focused on your marriage. Tell us all what we want to hear. That for once, our mistakes and our posting here made a difference in someone else's life. Oh, btw, I would never guarantee you could still be friends. But perhaps you can if you stop now.
Meaplus3 Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Help Im not sure what to do Im a 36 year old women who is very happily married. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we have been together for 7 years. We have no children - but are trying to have a baby. This is going to sound so nuts. Some where a long the lines I started developing feelings for a co-worker / life long friend. He is 30 and i have known him since he was a baby we grew up together. We have been friends for years. About 3 years ago I started to have warm fuzzy feelings for him. I found myself buying nicer clothes for work and doing my make up nicer. I was never sure if he had feelings for me but the way he looked at me sometimes I was starting to think he was at least attracted to me. When he quit his job I admitted to him that I had feelings for him and that I was going to miss him after spending every day with him for 5 years. I told him I was confused at how I could have feelings for him when I love my husband so much. he didn't have much to say and that was the last we ever talked about it until now. Ohh and did I mention nothing ever happened. Its now been 2 years since we worked together and we have seen each other maybe at a handful of events birthdays and what not. We hadn't seen each other in 6 months - he invited me to a party he was having and I went with a friend. Him and I talked for 3 hours kind of rudly ignoring everyone else to catch up on old times. Its like when we are together no one else exsits. blah blah blah. Ok so here is where it gets tricky. The next weekend there is this card game that we get invited to - my husband is out of town and so is his girlfriend. We end up walking home and we start talking about how we can just pick up right where we left off. We end up realizing that we booth after all this time are still attracted to each other and we kiss - one kiss only. Then we sat and talked for another couple of hours holding hands and kind of cuddling. I tried to convince my self that the kiss was closher to a different part of my life and that this would never happen again. 4 weeks latter it happened again. And then this last weekend I caught my self playing footsies with him under a table with my husband sitting right next to me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME - I love my husband I don't want to leave him for this other guy. I want to go back to being friends only with my buddy but I can't stop thinking about him - It eating away at me. HELP Keep reading the post's here! My situation sounds very like your's except for the fact that I am not so sure if I am as happy as I thought I was in my marriage. My affair started as a friendship, then into admitting feeling's, chatting, touching, hugging. I have could not imagine how I could get myself in this situation. I have walked away now and it feels awful. I would so love to have him hug me, touch me and talk with me again, however I know I will just be hurt. I can relate to how this eat's away at you cause I am in the same boat. All I can say is be as strong as you can at this moment and try very hard not to let thing's go further. That's about all I know right now. I keep reading the post's here and am trying to keep my head above water! Best of luck to you.
Jessie61 Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Thank you for your advice. You don't think its too late. I haven't gone to far? Gemini, If it stops here and now, then of course it hasn't gone too far! Just put it down to experience and get on with your life with your H. Movinon05 is right, DON'T join the rest of us at this sad party!!!!
Author Gemini1975 Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 How do I stay strong. I know what has to be done and I plan on doing it . It won't happen again - but its such a struggle. I keep catching myself trying to justify relations with him when I know its wrong. I seriously think its an addiction. I don't think I need to have a talk with him he will know - he will sense it. He is a gentlemen for years he never did anything because I was married. It was me that innitiated things. If I don't start anything nothing will happen he is not that forward. But I still am thinking about him. Maybe I should just put some distance between us for a while until our feelings calm down. Although I don't know if that will work either since we went for almost 2 years barely seeing each other and the feelings were still so fresh. When I see him my heart beats faster and my tummy ties in nots. Its so frustrating. I don't want to feel this way about him - I want to be his friend that I have been for my whole life. I got a hint of the heartbreak this could cause last night. My husband was so upset he was crying. He didn't know anything had happened but I guess in a drunken stuper on the weekend I had mentioned something about having a crush on him. I summed it up to me being drunk and angry at him and just trying to get under his skin but the thought of me with him consumed my husbands every thought and he was so sad it broke my heart. I knew right there that I was lucky that this is all that has happened with him and that even if the temptation was there I could never act on it again.
Author Gemini1975 Posted April 26, 2006 Author Posted April 26, 2006 Just a follow up to let you guys know where Im at. After a lot of thought I decided that it would be best to end this before it is too late. I called the other guy last night and we had a good talk. We booth agreed that we were in love with our mates and that what we were doing was wrong and hurtful. We booth agreed that if we were to continue down this path it would end up in a world of hurt and it just wasn't worth it. Not only was it going to effect us but my husband and his gf. they would never trust us and if they ever forgave us we would never be able to talk again. We decided that we would not continue on with this behavior. We would not have any more inapropriate incounters. We agreed that we were still ok to be friends - for now. We will see what happens. I'll keep you posted. Thank you so much for all your support. If it wasn't for this help I may have wrecked my marriage. THANK YOU
movinon05 Posted April 26, 2006 Posted April 26, 2006 GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! And thank you for making us feel useful! This is what we need to hear more of from newbies!
Meaplus3 Posted April 27, 2006 Posted April 27, 2006 Just a follow up to let you guys know where Im at. After a lot of thought I decided that it would be best to end this before it is too late. I called the other guy last night and we had a good talk. We booth agreed that we were in love with our mates and that what we were doing was wrong and hurtful. We booth agreed that if we were to continue down this path it would end up in a world of hurt and it just wasn't worth it. Not only was it going to effect us but my husband and his gf. they would never trust us and if they ever forgave us we would never be able to talk again. We decided that we would not continue on with this behavior. We would not have any more inapropriate incounters. We agreed that we were still ok to be friends - for now. We will see what happens. I'll keep you posted. Thank you so much for all your support. If it wasn't for this help I may have wrecked my marriage. THANK YOU Great deceison even if it hurt's! My sitaution sounds SO very much the same as your's so I can truely relate to how you are feeling. I too am just on a friendship basis with the MM that I think I have fallen in love with and it's so much better this way for both of our families. Good luck!
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