KittenMoon Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Lately, I've been faced with overwhelming despair. Well, not overwhelming, more like encompassing and aching. I've been thinking a lot "I just cannot do this", then realizing I don't really have any choice. I miss him terribly, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night and remember that I've lost him. And I pretty much wake up every night. But I also realize I'm missing a person who more or less stopped existing. And I'm hating the person that's in his place. This break-up has been between three people it seems. I haven't seen him or contacted him in over a month. He has contacted me twice, in two brief emails that pretty much meant nothing. I'm getting to the point where I want to tell him to never contact me again, unless someone dies. I cannot deal with seeing him with a new girl. I cannot deal with him treating me like I am fragile (because, shockingly, I have emotions), or worse, with sisterly affection (>barf<). They way we left things, as far as I know HE still thinks we can salvage a friendship, HE still thinks given some time we'll be able to be around each other, HE still thinks nothing has truly been lost. I thought so too at the time, but now I am not so sure, because of the reasons above. An ever-increasing part of me wants to tell him to give me back the last of my stuff, stop emailing me, and never contact me again unless he's got some seriously important stuff to say. I still wish for him to come back everyday, sort of. I don't know, I'm confused and unsure. I guess I still haven't quite grasped that he's gone. But I ask myself the question: "If he did come back, tomorrow say, do I really think he would be willing to put in the sort of effort I would need to make this right again?" The answer is a resounding "no". This makes me very sad. I'm being weird lately, not myself. Buying different clothes, new hairstyle, etc. Yesterday I actually ordered a cheeseburger, onion rings, and soda from Burger King at the mall food court- I NEVER EVER eat fast food. A couple times a year, tops. I just did it because it was something different. (My lower intestines may regret this later however...) I have to say, I spent 7 hours shopping yesterday and it has felt nice not to feel obligated to rush and get home to meet up with someone. Anyways, I think this is the beginning of the depression phase. I hope acceptance comes afterwards. I've been trying to embrace all the emotions and just GET THROUGH IT, but it's hard. I want to scream and cry at every turn. Whenever I was upset, he was the drug that calmed me down. I'd kill to be able to hug him and breathe in his scent again. I don't know if this makes sense, but he smelled like an evergreen forest and fresh baked bread. At least, that's how I always thought of it. He drove me nuts, in good ways and obviously, bad ways. My mom says "Give it time." I need it too, I feel so freakin messed up by this. But she's an optimist. I have trust issues. I trusted him completely within a few days of knowing him, something completely uncharacteristic of me. I wonder when the next time I feel that will be. I also wonder how long this greyness will last.
lovelorcet Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 So she sent me an email on Friday saying she would come by again on Monday to pick up some more stuff. Since then I have been feeling pretty bummed out and I spent the whole weekend wondering why. And then it hit me, the person I love and long for no longer exist. When I do have to see her it is like I am looking at a walking corpse of everything wonderful I had always seen in her for 10 years. That is what rips me up inside I am angry at the real her and miss so much this wonderful person which now only exist in my fantasy. It is going to be so hard for me to let go of this fantasy person that I have in my head. She was 10 years in the making and I don’t think she is going anywhere soon. I just hope that at some point I can meet someone new and start to have new dreams with that person. That is really my biggest wish I think… And yup it is all really depressing, and I can’t really help much more then to say I know how you feel. Oh and I was of course not there when she came by, walking corpses are not pretty to look at…
shelters Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 KM, Don't really have any words but wanted you to know that the way you express yourself and your pain is very beautiful. Ride out the lows for the highs to come.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 Don't really have any words but wanted you to know that the way you express yourself and your pain is very beautiful. Thanks. Trying to be a writer someday. Ironically, my ex is dyslexic and can barely string together a coherent sentence on paper. Not to say learning disabilities are cute, but this was pretty damn cute sometimes. I used to "translate" his papers for him in college. I really miss him right now. Our overseas sales guy is visiting the office right now- I have a bit of a crush on him (totally innocent though, he has a gf, who freakily shares the same name as me, plus he's overseas and all that). But I've felt so lousy lately even LOOKING at another guy lately, when I talk to him it's like "Must...not...burst...into tears!!!" I mentioned in front of him that I had my writing class tonight and he showed such honest interest I just wanted to yell "Stop being nice to me dammit!" It's not that I feel guilty, it's just that I hate that everyone, except him (my ex), is fair game now. But of course we only want what we can't have...
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I think you should read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" if you get a chance. I read it and it changed my life.
Author KittenMoon Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 Thanks, BO, I'll take a look at it next time I'm at the bookstore. Although, I have to admit I am always skeptical when someone tells me someone else's writing, or poetry, or music, or art, or opinions "changed their life". I always want to ask why someone else's efforts or thoughts changed their life- why wasn't their own efforts or thoughts? I'm not actually asking this of anyone- its rhetorical. I have yet to find an answer to it myself. And if I do, I'll keep it to myself, for fear of being assasinated by the Association of Self-Help Writers. But really, I'll take a look. The description I read on Amazon sounded very interesting. I'm intrigued and amazed by Holocaust survivors- I always wonder how they can cope after witnessing just about the worst things imaginable.
blind_otter Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 Thanks, BO, I'll take a look at it next time I'm at the bookstore. Although, I have to admit I am always skeptical when someone tells me someone else's writing, or poetry, or music, or art, or opinions "changed their life". I always want to ask why someone else's efforts or thoughts changed their life- why wasn't their own efforts or thoughts? I'm not actually asking this of anyone- its rhetorical. I have yet to find an answer to it myself. And if I do, I'll keep it to myself, for fear of being assasinated by the Association of Self-Help Writers. But really, I'll take a look. The description I read on Amazon sounded very interesting. I'm intrigued and amazed by Holocaust survivors- I always wonder how they can cope after witnessing just about the worst things imaginable. Actually someone asked me that about that specific book. This friend never reads, though, and thinks this is true about all books. He's an idiot. Anyways, Frankl wrote this book in a moment of deep despair, when he was in Auschwitz for 5 years. The nazis took his life's work, and killed his wife. He was able to see through his own suffering and has no bitterness towards the Nazis. He devised a method for dealing with that deep despair that can only be described as existential. So, I suppose, it's an experience that none of us can ever have. And he dealt with it quite successfully. So it's interesting to see how he did this, and apply it to your life.
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