fender967 Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Background info: I have been seeing this girl for two and a half months. I'm 22, she's 18. We started out as friends, as she had a boyfriend when we first became friends, then he ended up breaking up with her and we because 'in between friends and bf/gf'. Then we eventually made it official as a couple. She always has the attitude that I am 'out of her league' or that I don't care as much about her as she cares about me. The past 8 days she has been on vacation. We talked on the phone at least once every day, for no less than 45 minutes - an hour each time. She got back yesterday, we had sex (we had been for a month/month and a half previous). We spent the whole day together, and then spend today together as well. For the past several days she kept bringing up that she had this secret she wanted to tell me, that it was good but maybe i wouldnt think it was good and that she was afraid to tell me. The more she talked about it the more I thought it was that she wanted to tell me that she loved me. The relationship i was in previous to this, me and my gf both said "I love you" very early to each other and often. I really thought it was true for both of us but I ended up getting hurt badly. My current girlfriend knows about this and was always afraid she would 'freak me out' by accidently slipping something in like 'i love you'. Finally she made me guess what her secret was and I hinted it was the L word. She wouldnt admit it at first but ended up saying "Yes. I love you." and saying that she realized it while she was away from me, that she missed more than just the sex and that she really does feel that way. The whole time since I figured that this was what she was thinking, I was afraid what to say. I don't know how I feel and I don't know if I can say I love her yet. When she said it, I told her "I don't know what to say. I really care about you a lot, i'm afraid to say I love you though. But what you said means more than you know" She said she felt stupid and embarrassed. We continued that conversation for at least a half hour and she just kept saying things like "It's not your fault you don't feel the same way" and "It's like the sum of every rejection" and "I wish i hadn't said anything". I am very upset about this. I care about her a lot, I have began to care more and more the longer we've been together. I honestly don't think I am 'in love' yet though. That doesn't mean it can't ever happen. Two people don't realize that they truly love each other at the exact same time, in every relationship, do they? I told her that and that she shouldn't think for a second that I don't love her, that I just don't want to say it until it clicks for me and I know for sure. Should I have just said "I love you too" back? Even though it took her nearly a week to get herself to tell me, when she had already decided that she does love me. What should I do so that she isn't upset like she is now, feeling like I "won't ever say it back"
Javelin Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Should I have just said "I love you too" back? Never lie about your feelings, in the long run it'll be easier to lie about other things as well and that's not healthy. In a nut shell, I am very upset about this. I care about her a lot, I have began to care more and more the longer we've been together. I honestly don't think I am 'in love' yet though. This tells me, she is potentially your next love and YOU need to remind her that! Tell her exactly how much you care about her and get her hopes up. Give her some reassurance and make it clear that you are 2 different people with different levels of affection, but that has never stopped lovers. It'll take you a little while longer to build your feelings up to loving her, and she needs to know this. Take it slow, work with her, and everything will be ok.
clynn Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 I was at a wedding recently and the weddng couple shared these beautiful vows with each other and the ended them with "I like you a lot". The story goes that when they were first dating, the woman told him that she loved him, and he replied "I like you a lot". He did say that the words to him were very important so it took him a while to say them but he did eventually say "I love you". It was really cute.
tikigods Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Never rush your feelings, it took my now husband like 5 or 6 months before he was able to tell me in all honesty that he loved me, and look at us Lieing to her, or telling her waht she wants to hear isn't the route that you should go when it comes to something as important as this
catgirl1927 Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Wow. That's a brave girl to say I love you first. BURN that you didn't say it back. Poor girl, how embarassing. She was sweet to stay on the phone with you. She'll be a stronger person because of it though. She's young, she has lots of time and someday someone will love her back. I don't think you should lie to her, of course not. Why are you staying? I don't understand why you'd stay if you know how she feels and you're "not sure." I mean, come on. Honesty is the best thing here, and it's very admirable that you're so concerned about hurting her. I'm sure you do care about her some. Maybe a break for a while to give her a chance to sort out her feelings.
clynn Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 It doesn't sound to me like this is a reason to break up. Just seems like you haven't gotten to that point yet. Or that you've even got to the point where you know yet.
catgirl1927 Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 It HAS only been two months. That's awfully soon for "I love you." But there's nothing more heartbreaking than saying it and not hearing it back. Plus, now there's all this pressure to be whatever he wants her to be so he'll like her back. It's just really sad.
clynn Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Well ... I think so too. BUT -- when I heard that story at the wedding, I said to a few of the other guests........"Wow, if I said I love you and didn't hear it back I'd be crushed." To me it would be so devastating that I would probably inadvertently cause the relationship to end, ie: the pressure you're talking about. HOWEVER....in the case of this couple, she obviously understood that he was simply a slower mover than she was and she was content hearing "I like you A LOT" until the time came when he felt safe / ready to say "I love you." In a way, it is good, because it shows that those words hold a lot of meaning for him.
tikigods Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 I think part of it is that you have to really know the person, I knew what my husbands past was and he explained to me that he wasn't 'going to say it unless he truly meant it. I think its important for you to understand just where they are coming from. I never tried to change a thing to get him to love me "faster" if you will, I was always myself and thats the best you can do, or else they will never love you for you.
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