Guest Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 hey everyone, i've been reading some of the posts on here, and i thought this would be the perfect place to get some perspective on my f-ed up situation. i'd been dating this guy on and off for about 4 years since i was 16. at first everything was cool, he seemed to be obsessed with me (in a good way) and would treat me with respect and constant adoration. well, that all changed about 2 summers when he and i got more serious. i had been a virgin untill i was 19 and decided he was the one i wanted to do it with. BIG mistake on my part, since i had no idea that shortly after that, he would become a f***ing monster. after i gave him that part of me that i had witheld for years, he began to change his attitude towards me. my attitude changed as well. i have always been self-concious about my looks, and thinking that my boyfriend is checking out women that are hotter, prettier etc., however my self-esteem fell through the roof after being serious involved with this boy...he would flirt with my own friends in front of me- and then deny it, steal money from me- and deny it, hang out on street corners ALL DAY- and convince me that he needed to hustle to make some cash. he could never hold down a job, and would get kicked out of every apartment he rented every few months because for some reason he couldn't find a job. if anyone ever called him on his stupidity, he would completely freak out, and redefine the argument to make the other person confused. anyway, we had to take a break eventually because it was getting to the point where i'd accuse him of something every day...and i know i'm not crazy, i had reasons...and there was too much arguing and bickering. to make matters worse, the fact that i had spoken to a 16 year old girl (whose number he had in his phone) told me that he had bought alcohol for her and tried to pick her up a few times had completely disgusted me (we were 20 at this point). it had occured to me that no other women would even look twice at him unless they were either dumb, or immature teenage girls (like i had been when we first met). even though this bastard has compleltely damaged my self-esteem, i still know that i am a million times too good for him- i go to university and i have a part-time...nothing great, but at least i'm doin something. his own family doesnt even care to speak to him because they know he cant hold down a job, or do anything right for himself without f***ing it up after a while. after the break, i got back together with him after not speaking to him for 4 months. he then started physically abusing me by grabbing my arms and squeezing me until it becomes really painful- leaving marks and bruises all over me. slowly the bruises got bigger, and the verbal insults have gotten worse and worse and worse. last week we got into an argument for something so minute that i cant even remember and he called me a dirty bitch, left bruises all over my wrists, and squeezed my hand so hard that one of my fingers has been aching and not bending properly. i am currently in the process of having him charged for this and have not answered his calls or made any attempt to contact him. i just need some help because i feel so horrible and ashamed of myself for letting this stuff happen to me. i remember when this same thing was happening to a friend of mine a few years ago, and i thought, "how could someone keep staying with an abusive a**h*** like that?" this girl has completely changed since then, there are some days where she cant even get out of bed, and we're only 21! she has no confidence or motivation to do anything with herself.....because her ex screwed her up that bad. and now i'm finding myself in the same situation, i have little confidence, and don't even really know who i am anymore...and no motivation to change that. i really don't want to be like this, but even though i know alot of what he says isnt true, and that i dont deserve to be abused physically or verbally, i think i might be subconciously thinking that i am a piece of garbage, therefore i deserve to be treated like one. i really feel for any girl or woman that has had to endure this abuse, because you don't see it at all for a while...and when you do, it's already too late and the damage has been done. has anyone ever reached a point where they know they want to leave, and actually do for a bit...but then always end up getting back with their abusive partners? i really want to be strong and get away from him once and for all, but it gets so hard when you have no self-esteem and little resources to get you through it. all i know is that if i dont stay away for good this time, i might end up dead.
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