mr_roggger Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Hi all, been a while since I've posted on here I know... Well I've been in a few relationshps over the last coupld of years after me and my long-term g/f parted company. Most of these relationships have just been a bit of fun and haven't gone anywhere, but I felt that my current relationship was something considerably more than this. We instantly clicked, have loads in common and had great times together (over the past 6 weeks we've been seeing eachother) doing loads of different things to what I usually do on dates: for example we went to the circus together last week, first time I'd been in 10 years and we both had an excellent time! This was Monday, the last time I saw her. We parted on excellent terms and were both looking forward to seeing eachother soon...this was accompanied by flirtatious texts from her and myself on monday and Tuesday. All was going great. Wednesday-Friday I had to go off to a different part of the country for work, and when I talked to her again she seemed cold. We had previously arranged dinner for Friday (28th) and when I mentioned this she was hesitant (which she has never been before - always keen!) and then I learned that she had met up with another guy she's been talking to on the net for 2 years, and apparently really likes him She said she felt really guilty about meeting him, and felt she had to tell me, and that's why she was hesitant about Friday; not wanting to lead me on. She said she still wants to see me on Friday but just as Friends , but in probing a little deeper she just seems confused and doesn't know what she wants from either of us, or at this point in her life. Is meeting up on Friday a god idea, or is this a totally lost cause? Should I play it cool for now and give her some space in the hope she'll see sense either way? I really like this girl and it was more than jsut a "fling", and until Tuesday she really liked me! Any advice is MUCH appreciated! Thanks for reading this long post!
MassiveAtom Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Gotta hand it to her. She was honest with you and straight to the point. She's unsure about the relationship. That's a good quality. But that she didn't tell you about the 2 year communication and the latent feelings it created, isn't good. So it's a wash. and you're right back to where you were. IF... IF you can't assert your own boundaries and be free to have reasonable expectations of the behavior of this person in the relationship then IMHO, there's a problem. not serious but it's there. It would take some strength for both of you to approach, discuss and positively resolve the issue for you both. What to do? Go out and date some new people, after telling her you think it's only fair. Yeah I know it hurts to be in that poition, where someone you like alot is wavering in their feelings for you, but dating others is clearly part of the program for her, so it's only fair that you have the same opportunity. I have a suspicion that if she knows you are dating she'll find you more attractive. Tell her you'll be dating other people in the same capacity that she has been seeing this other fella. Don't be mean about it. Tell her you really like her AND that you are unsure about the relationship as well. Maybe a break is in order, two months. Keep in touch, be nice, don't ask about the other guy, just check in with her from time to time. Like every two weeks or so. You'll be fine. MA
Alexandra Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 As much as I love reading Massive Atom's posts I disagree this once. Who's to say how she'd react to you dating other people or to a break (nice touch on that exact 2 months term MA;) ). Your question is about Friday in itself, I would say going out with her then can't hurt, if anything you'll at least gather more information and be more clear on how you stand. The other two options to what MA described are either to A. Do what you said, play it cool, give her space, let her get her head around it, especially since if she just met someone after 2 years online the novelty of that is quite strong and exciting and probably needs time to wear off, but that's only providing you know of yourself to be able to go back to how things were without resenting her for forcing you to ride it out; or B. Talk honestly, say you really like her beyond the casual relationship that can allow for dating other people, ask if based on your few months she thinks she can make a commitment to a more serious relationship and generally make her decide. Supposingly you could do either MA's, the A or the B or even the C where you walk away from the whole thing and it's solely a matter of determining how much you care about this relationship and her and how much you can stand and are willing to do for it, to see which of these is more suitable for you. But I agree with Massive Atom on one point, you'll be fine
Author mr_roggger Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 With regards to Massive Atom's ideas: going out and dating new people, I'm cool about that, and that's always a good way to get over someone. However, i'm unsure if it was a date as such she went on, I didn't delve that far, but it sounds like it might have been. Yes, it is very true that the attraction she has for me will be increased if I date others (and let her KNOW it) since that way there's a good chance she'll see what she is losing, perhaps even become jealous and therefore start paying attention to me again. Vertex: Yes, I agree totally and she actually said she didn't want to lead me on which again was honest of her. Alexandra: I don't have to date other people as such, just meet up casually etc., so long as she sees that I'm not sitting at home pining for her (which is definatly not the case this afternoon as you'll read in a minute!). I agree the date with her would be a good idea to gather information, if nothing else. The point about the novelty is very interesting, more relating to that later too! OK, so this afternoon I've been keeping myself busy by doing my work and cleaning the car cand cutting the grass. Oh what a fun life I lead Any way, I got on the computer about 7pm and she was online but I left it at that. She started a conversation with me when she realised I wasn't gonna say anything only to tell me that she had to cancel Friday! However, she seemed genuinley upset and was REALLY keen to make another date etc. Also, her attitude has changed somewhat from yesterday...today she seems much more polite towards me and chatted in out usual flirty/casual/fun manner, she even made plans to speak to me tomorrow. This I think could be down to either or a combination of: she's beginning to mis me and panicing why I wasn't talking to her, and/or the initial novelty of meeting someone new is wearing off already. However, if she's met someone once, there's no saying she wont do it again as her attraction was pretty darn high for me when we last were with eachother! Think I will still go on a date with her, see how it feels. Playing it cool today and giving her space does seem to have worked quite well though.
MadDog Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 She's probably not ready to be in a serious, committed relationship right now. You can continue to date her as long as long as you realize this. I'd date other girls too so you don't miss out on other opportunities and don't get too caught up with this girl.
Author mr_roggger Posted April 24, 2006 Author Posted April 24, 2006 Thanks for the replies. Unfortunatley I lost a little sleep over the last 2 nights simply because I didn't know where I stood. So enough was enough I though, and confronted her tonight,asking her what she really wanted. Turns out she just wants fun and not to be tied dowm. Fair enough I guess, although I didn't think I was tieing her down, but for the best probably if she feels that way. I would have wanted something more from the relationship soon any way! However, we are still good friends as far as I can tell, and we do get on really well...for once I actually feel happy that a relationship has ended, so glad I confronted her rather than messed around all week waiting for a date that might well have been useless. We will probably meet up soon but just as friends, at least we can be mature about it. We both agreed that we had a cool time whilst it lasted. Thanks for everyones advice. For once I feel as though I've done the right thing, and am ready to get out there with my mates and start looking for someone new (again)! Cheers!
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