kjo314 Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Guys/Gals After reading many posts and continuing to deal with my own struggle to get over my past realtionship I find myself pondering a few questions? I read over posts about couples that have been togeth for 5 years all the sudden breaking up for and then completely ending it without and explanation. My question is this. After all these things how is it possible to trust that it won't happen again? How can you trust another person when you know that at any minute and for any reason they could leave you? Why as humans do we put ourselves through this? It seems like the great punsihment of the human race. Maybe I am wrong in saying this but I have a hard time imagining being able to trust someone to start a family with. I mean hell, whats to say they won't leave me. I mean with the divorce rate the way it is..whats to say I won't be included into this factor just because someone "just doesn't want to be with me anymore" My ultimate fear is failure so i guess you could say thing thing I am most afraid of in a situation like this is I am afraid of losing someone after 10, 15, 20 years and I don't know what to do to stop it! It just seems to me that people don't give people enough chance and enough leeway. I believe that people can change and if it is a change for the good it should happen. My beliefs might be wrong but they are my beliefs. I know I am just ranting but I seriously pose those questions please respond and/or ask your own questions about this situation! Thank you
suga Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I saw this cute movie today "A Cinderella Story"...she meets a guy on the internet and they fall in love and find their true selves with each other...its a girly teen movie...anyways in the movie she is going to give up at one point since nothing seems to be working out until she is reminded of something her dad used to say to her when she was little... Dont let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. I think that is good advice...even though Im not into sports and its a sports analogy.
johan Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I've wondered the same thing. I think the trust you most need is trust in yourself. When people talk about trust most of the time they talk about trust in their significant other, as if that's the most important kind. It is important, but the most important kind is to have faith that you'll be ok if things do end in 5, 10, 15 years. If you trust yourself, then it's easier to deal with the unknowns in the other person. Breakups, betrayals and infidelities do happen, and it seems like most people try anyway. People are mostly optimistic when it comes to love. Even people who have been burned over and over will still keep going for it.
lindya Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 After all these things how is it possible to trust that it won't happen again? How can you trust another person when you know that at any minute and for any reason they could leave you? Why as humans do we put ourselves through this? It seems like the great punsihment of the human race. I think it's more a case of developing trust in yourself and your ability to cope with the unfortunate (but never impossible) event of anyone you love letting you down down. Sorry Johan - I just dived in there without reading your response, and re-iterated what you said. Great minds, etc.
ddnnee Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 you guys are giving the wrong advices. Just because you can trust yourself will not prevent the breakup. I trusted myself tons of times and i still end up screwed. It is very hard to "trust" anyone and it is hard to find someone who is willing to put up with many mistakes. Most modern people now will just throw you away if you are flawed even just a bit - sort of like how you use your house hold products. You toss em when they get old or broke. Not like the old days when people fix their equipment and are willing to put up with a lot of flaws.
lindya Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 you guys are giving the wrong advices. Just because you can trust yourself will not prevent the breakup. No, you're just misreading the advice. Nobody's suggesting that it's possible to have total control over people's behaviour and the progress of relationships you're in simply by trusting yourself. What we're saying is that crap happens, but nonetheless you have to live your life and take opportunities for happiness as they come along. Trust your ability to cope if and when the good times end. The fact that they mightn't last forever shouldn't be an excuse for not appreciating them for as long as they do last. I trusted myself tons of times and i still end up screwed. It is very hard to "trust" anyone and it is hard to find someone who is willing to put up with many mistakes. Most modern people now will just throw you away if you are flawed even just a bit - sort of like how you use your house hold products. You toss em when they get old or broke. Not like the old days when people fix their equipment and are willing to put up with a lot of flaws. Why the reference to "modern people"? Who are you? Miss Haversham from Great Expectations? Most people have some baggage related to trust, but are realistic enough to recognise that it's not some special Louis Vuitton variety that Ms/Mr Right should feel obliged and honoured to carry for them. Ultimately nothing and nobody should be 100% indispensable to you. Of course you try to fix your equipment when it breaks, but if it gets to the stage where that equipment is constantly in need of attention and repair (ie high maintenance) and creating endless misery and frustration in your life...then for God's sake yes - replace it with something better. Similarly, if a friend/lover needs help with their issues, then in all likelihood you'll help them because you love them and want them to be happy. That doesn't give them a season ticket to your time and attention...nor does it entitle them to endlessly use their issues to put the people who care about them on guilt trips because "I have a problem with trust, you know." Anyone who feels entitled to make other people's lives miserable by constantly being a whining, insecure pain in the arse can expect life to keep handing them opportunities to build on those trust issues.
Guest Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I had to laugh when reading the squirrel's reply to Johann. I was all pumped up to say Yeah! I have the Power! and then . . . the depressive's reality came back at me. This is a good thread. I'm not exactly sure how much I go for the idea that we can create our own reality, etc. but I certainly would rather live in Johann's world where I do have control over my thoughts and I can always try again. But being full of rage is also a good thing at times. There's nothing wrong with that. I feel that way a lot. I just try to have good mental health and for me that means somewhat buying into optimism as a general rule--until the day I finally decide to jump off a cliff because there's absolutely no hope left of connecting with others. Sometimes it can feel that way, but that feeling does go away. My pain feelings come and go in waves so if I'm in the middle of one I remind myself I will not always be so low even if I can't see around the problem at the moment. Obviously I'm in one of those moments now or I wouldn't be typing into the Loveshack website. haha. How has it come to this?
suga Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Who wouldn't have trust issues? We have all had someone mistreat us at some point in our lives. I wouldnt make all my decisions based on my fears...but I would be leary of others...especially if you dont know them very well...I believe that is wise. 5-10-15-20 years and wham you are screwed and lonely...Im sure there would be some warning signs that it wasnt going to work...but mabey not...who am I to speak for everyone. Some relationships you have to get out of...mabey for your sake or your childrens if they are a threat...it may be important.
johan Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 you guys are giving the wrong advices. Just because you can trust yourself will not prevent the breakup. You can't prevent the breakup if that's what the other person decides to do. But there are ways to deal with it so that it doesn't bring you to your knees. I trusted myself tons of times and i still end up screwed. It is very hard to "trust" anyone and it is hard to find someone who is willing to put up with many mistakes. Most modern people now will just throw you away if you are flawed even just a bit - sort of like how you use your house hold products. You toss em when they get old or broke. Not like the old days when people fix their equipment and are willing to put up with a lot of flaws. Well then who are you going to rely on? And are you really going to spend your life alone? My answers are me mostly, and no. But I might have to switch girlfriends occasionally. Hopefully I won't ever have to switch wives.
Author kjo314 Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 I get what you all are saying but what I am getting at is how can it be worth it knowing that at any moment for any reason you will have to start your life completely over again, possibly alone? I just don't understand why other people don't understand that pain. I think people think about themselves too much sometimes and they don't concentrate on the "relationship"
Author kjo314 Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 When I talk about these breakups I am talking about breakups where people just "don't want to be with them anymore" has nothing to do with personality or anything like that. Maybe they were walkingin the mall and they met a cute guy and after 10,15 years of marriage they decide they want them. It happens all the time in the dating scene as everyone can see on this board so who is to say that it won't happen in the marriage scene? How can you trust that in 15 years and 3 children later someone won't leave you on a whim because they think they want something else? Where does that put you. It ruins your life. All because of immaturity and seflishness. How can you trust enough that it won't happen?
Outcast Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 You can't have certainty in life. Why aren't you worrying about your SO getting cancer and dying or being murdered or getting in a horrible accident? That happens, too. In fact, you yourself could have any of these things happen, too. Pain is not the worst thing in the world. If it were, no woman would give birth LOL. But seriously, so you experience pain - you get over it. The problem with society these days is that parents overprotect kids from any sort of difficulty so they don't learn to overcome adversity. Life will never, ever, in a zillion years, be all roses and blue skies and so you have to work on having strength to overcome trouble rather than hiding from it. You have to also realize that it's possible to live a good and happy life for years with an SO - people still do it. And hope you have the good fortune to find yourself an SO who'll stay but if not, then work on your own self so that you will manage just fine if they leave. Millions of people have done so before you.
suga Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Well they say the only gaurantee in life is that you are going to die... Why do people go to school if its possible they may fail...or do anything really? To meet someone you love and they say they feal that way back...you want to be with them at that time...you love each other...may change but you take your chances because it doesnt feal too good to let them go right then either...mabey you should take it slow to build trust...if it works then great...if not then better luck next time if there is a next time...then some people do grow old together. Im sorry if someone left you for no reason or whoever it may have happened to...Ive only been married once and had to get out...other relationships Ive had did not affect me so much although my ex boyfriend did leave for no good reason then wanted me back but that doesnt matter too much to me... Mabey you should always be prepared for the possibility...there are such things a prenups...you never know...you are right I think. Such is life...and other such isms.
TravelLight Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I have the same dilemma. I think the answer (unfortuneately) is that love is a risk, of sorts. If you want the good times of being in love, the closeness, the experiences shared, all the things that you look back on with nostagila in your last relationship, you have to be in the frame and be prepared for the possibility of hurt that goes with it. I thought I was pretty sure about my last relationship. I am at the time in my life where I want a family, a house and to build a future with a partner. But not just anyone, someone right for me. My ex actively encouraged these possibilites in our relationship, until the point where she decided it wasn't right for her and walked away without a care in the world. That's a massive issue for me to overcome. I am in two minds. I pledge to be single or one day I take a risk with someone. I am not someone who likes casual relationships and I don't give my heart away too easily. There is nothing sadder than losing someone you love. But if everyone gave up trying and blocked themseleves off from others, the world would stop spining on it's axis.
Curmudgeon Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 You forgot taxes, Suga. That's the other guarantee in life. My wife and I married with a collective 98 years of baggage between us. We both agreed that we needed all those years of mistakes, bad choices and sorry experiences to become the poeple we are now and to be ready for one another. It's an act of faith; nothing more and nothing less. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
Pyro Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Guys/Gals After reading many posts and continuing to deal with my own struggle to get over my past realtionship I find myself pondering a few questions? I read over posts about couples that have been togeth for 5 years all the sudden breaking up for and then completely ending it without and explanation. My question is this. After all these things how is it possible to trust that it won't happen again? How can you trust another person when you know that at any minute and for any reason they could leave you? Why as humans do we put ourselves through this? It seems like the great punsihment of the human race. Maybe I am wrong in saying this but I have a hard time imagining being able to trust someone to start a family with. I mean hell, whats to say they won't leave me. I mean with the divorce rate the way it is..whats to say I won't be included into this factor just because someone "just doesn't want to be with me anymore" My ultimate fear is failure so i guess you could say thing thing I am most afraid of in a situation like this is I am afraid of losing someone after 10, 15, 20 years and I don't know what to do to stop it! It just seems to me that people don't give people enough chance and enough leeway. I believe that people can change and if it is a change for the good it should happen. My beliefs might be wrong but they are my beliefs. I know I am just ranting but I seriously pose those questions please respond and/or ask your own questions about this situation! Thank you That is a part of entering a relationship. You should understand that when you begin a commitment, there is always the chance of it suddenly ending to your surprise. It is a risk that each and everyone of us takes. I am prepared for it. You should too. Don't depend on relationships. Always be prepared for suddenly being single.
Author kjo314 Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 I agree with all of you and I am glad I posted when I did. I wanted to get opinions on this question. I have had bad experiences it just seems that after love is gone you lose them completely. I guess it is for the best, though. It is sad to see someone you know for so long change into something you know they shouldn't be. I was in a realtionship then she changed, got into the wrong crowd, and then decided that I didn't fit into that crowd and chose the crowd over me. It is sad I know but I will endure. I always have. I just find it hard to trust others now for some reason. I know that sounds bad but I go out on dates and the first thing I think about is "Is this person goign to leave me in tears again?" then I decide that the risk isn't worth the reward and decide not to take a chance on the possibility of more pain. Am I just being too cautious? Maybe. I don't know
Pyro Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I just find it hard to trust others now for some reason. I know that sounds bad but I go out on dates and the first thing I think about is "Is this person goign to leave me in tears again?" then I decide that the risk isn't worth the reward and decide not to take a chance on the possibility of more pain. Am I just being too cautious? Maybe. I don't know Don't think that far ahead when you first start daing someone. Take it one day at a time. If we were all to think that way, then everyone would be afraid to date.
alphamale Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 My question is this. After all these things how is it possible to trust that it won't happen again? How can you trust another person when you know that at any minute and for any reason they could leave you? Why as humans do we put ourselves through this? It seems like the great punsihment of the human race. Well KJO314....basically you have no other choice but to trust others until they prove otherwise. You trust that the pilots flying your jetliner did not drink any alcohol before getting in the cockpit. You trust that other drivers will stop at a red light when your light is green. You trust that the pharmacy filled the right prescription for you and that your doctor knows what they are doing. You HAVE to trust people every minute of every day. What other choice do you have?? Apply the same thing to your love life.
Curmudgeon Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I try to approach and deal with everyone as an individual and don't ascribe one person's actions to another. They're all unique. The fact that the ex was a controlling, abusive cheat doesn't, and never did, mean that my wife would ever be one. It said everything about the ex and nothing about anyone else. I trust my wife. I know not to trust the ex.
riobikini Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Just my personal opinion, but: I never assume that love is love and that's all there is to it, -particularly romantic love- (there's responsibility, maintenance, etc.) Romantic love, especially, seems to come with this aggravating possibility of loss attached to it. But if it didn't, I suppose, some who like challenges wouldn't pursue it, and others would think it wasn't the greatest thing on earth. But it is. And in regards to it sometimes going south on us, (even in spite of it) it has the reputation of being somewhat like a phoenix, in that it pops up again, later on, somewhere in our lives. And that's a good thing, no matter how many times we wind up hurt by it. Romantic love can mean mending a broken heart or two -that's bound to happen from time to time as we learn about it. But it can also mean alot of smiles and memories to keep the scrapbook going, and other very good, important things that I wouldn't want to live without. Love is worth the time and trouble. It's reputation is still a good one. (Smile) -Rio
ddnnee Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 "I just find it hard to trust others now for some reason. I know that sounds bad but I go out on dates and the first thing I think about is "Is this person goign to leave me in tears again?" then I decide that the risk isn't worth the reward and decide not to take a chance on the possibility of more pain. Am I just being too cautious? Maybe. I don't know" Yea i know how you feel. Many posters here think that love is worth the pain (mostly women) but when u r hurt, u r cautious so you won't hurt yourself again. If you got hurt because you did something, then would you want to do that again to get hurt? unless... you are a masochist and love pain because pain gets you off. The solution is if you ever meet anyone, do not invest all your love into the relationship. Remember your priorities and keep them straight. Real life is not a disney fairy tale - rarely does it end with "married happily ever after". If you do not give 100% of your heart, then if things fail, you will not be hurt 100%. Sort of like investing into stocks. You invest SOME of your money and not all of it. That way if you lose, you don't go bankrupt and die. If you win, you don't win much, but you can always reinvest that extra back into stock. womenist will say "oh but if u don't invest all your heart in love, then you aren't" blah blah bull crap. Lindya: Like I said, "modern people" like you and most girls now have low tolerance to faults and are much more willing to just throw out a flawed character. Of course there are some out there who tolerate more flaws. I guess the key here is "no one is perfect", but everyone still thrive for perfection. Ladder theory. People will always want better and if they got the chance to get someone higher up on the ladder, they will take the chance. If you were living in a shack and you had the chance to move into a big house for free, would you take it? Of course you would because the shack has tons of flaws, small, ugly... Samething for humans. To protect my ass, I KNOW there are exceptions and not EVERYONE is like this. but from my world observations, it is very true. idealist will argue against it. And I read great expectations in 6th grade, so i would not understand much of your allusions. Yes, if the equipment is TOO damage, you get a new. But "too damage" is a relative statement. How much damage is "too damage"? Some people who value the relationship will try to fix it till the end while there are those who... just toss you even if you got a small scratch. I think these are the people the OP is afraid of and afraid of trusting.
witabix Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 This is an interestying thread. I feel I may fall into the category being described by ddnnee. Well falling into it any way. I fail to see the point of accepting anything that does not match up to expectations, or requirements. It may seem to cheapen the notion of romantic love but an analogy is buying something, house, car etc. Who buys a house without getting a survey, without knowing as much as is humanly possible to know about it. A vendor who hid major flaws or problems with their property would be liable to be sued. You do not purchase the house and find the roof falling in and think oh well, I'll fix that. You expect to know about the roof falling before you buy. So that you can factor that in to the bargaining. And yes I know this is a little crappy analogy, but are we really expecting people to trust blindly? As for the original post, My question is this. After all these things how is it possible to trust that it won't happen again? How can you trust another person when you know that at any minute and for any reason they could leave you? Why as humans do we put ourselves through this? It seems like the great punsihment of the human race. You can't, its just not possible. People do not come with a survey, unfortunately. You can only go on a journey with someone and wait to find out if the words and deeds marry up. The sooner you see the evidence the quicker you can decide. If there is a discrepancy between words and deeds you need to take action, sooner rather than later. It can sometimes be easy to ignore the signs when love is blooming, but the radar must always remain on. Keeping the past from colouring your current judgement is, IME, an extremely difficult thing to do. Curmudgeon has the right approach, I wush I could be so clear headed, but so far I have been unable to see things so clearly.
lindya Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Lindya: Like I said, "modern people" like you and most girls now have low tolerance to faults and are much more willing to just throw out a flawed character. Point me to the part where I said I would "just throw out a flawed character." I don't mind a friend/lover who's going through a hard time being a bit of a drain on my mental, emotional, financial reserves for a while. People hit rough patches, and often it takes them a while to return to their normal selves. I have, and will continue, to offer support to people in that situation. If, however, someone's basic character seems to be flawed insofar as they're constantly negative, parasitical or self-obsessed - and they don't show any indications of trying to change any of that, then I'll extract them from my life pretty quickly. What I've found with life's parasites is that they very swiftly forget what they've had out of you in the past, and only focus on what you're refusing to give them there and then. I admit to having a cold side, and people like that certainly do bring it out in me.
ddnnee Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 lindya: yea, there are those who leeches off of others....... "Like I said, "modern people" like you and most girls now " whoops, what i meant was we are all modern people, people of this time. ideas don't come out right when there's tons of data churning. anyway, life is just that.
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