jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 If someone is going to break someone else's heart, why wouldn't they feel like they owe them the truth? Especially, if the other person was good to them, or gave them a second chance when they asked for it. I've never dumped someone without explaining the truth of my reasons why. So I can't understand these people who can say "I love you" one day, and then just disappear without offering an explanation, or people who say the "It's not you, It's me" line of BS.
tinktronik Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I would imagine its because they don't want to tell you the truth because they don't have the balls to hurt your feelings.
Curmudgeon Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 They dump. They're done. They put it behind them and couldn't care less about the emotional wreckage they leave behind them. They move on to their next victim without a second thought.
RecordProducer Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I can't understand these people who can say "I love you" one day, and then just disappear without offering an explanation.My ex-husband did this to me. I didn't know why he left. But a couple years later I did understand. It was more complicated than it could fit in a few sentences. I had MY side of the story; I had my own explanations. Their explanations don't mean s***, Jen. It's YOU who has to figure it out in your own head. I dumped my first BF after 6 years (I was 22) and the reasons were: you don't want to share the house chores with me and you think you can spend your (and my) money the way YOU want without consulting me. These reasons were just the last two drops in the full cup. Many months later I realized what a s***ty person he was and why I stopped loving him. With my ex-husband, I realized that we were two different worlds, he was not for me, and I couldn't accept his daughter who was a very difficult child. He wanted me to replace her mother, he ran away from the obligations with 3 kids and he wanted to use my mother financially. How could I possibly expect him to give me the right reasons? All he told me was "Our marriage is not working out... I love you, but I don't want to be with you... You'll be better off without me... You can't accept my daughter..." And he was right, but I wanted more answers. No answer is good enough for a woman in love. The only answer that worked in my head was when I admitted to myself that I am really better off without him, that I don't want to go back to the unhappiness in that marriage, that he's not as great as I thought he was when he left me. Let time bring answers. Be patient. Don't bang your head off the wall. It ain't worth it.
ddnnee Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 curmud said it perfectly. They don't care anymore because they have already planned and decided to end it way before they tell you. Many times dumpers dump you emotionally and secretly date another guy/girl without telling you. At the end when they are stable with their new mate, they tell you and you suffer while they are not affected.
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 curmud said it perfectly. They don't care anymore because they have already planned and decided to end it way before they tell you. If they know they're leaving, then why would they say "I love you" and talk about the future just days before they leave? :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
Adunaphel Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 If they know they're leaving, then why would they say "I love you" and talk about the future just days before they leave? :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: My guess is that they are tring to delude themselves that things could be worked out. Or that they might still wake up the next morning and feel in love again(like it worked that way). Unless the other person brought up the topic. In this case, they probably lie so that they can posticipate the break up to the moment *they* feel most confortable and ready to do it.
blind_otter Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 My guess is that they are tring to delude themselves that things could be worked out. Or that they might still wake up the next morning and feel in love again(like it worked that way). Unless the other person brought up the topic. In this case, they probably lie so that they can posticipate the break up to the moment *they* feel most confortable and ready to do it. Yep, this is it. I feel like when I break up with someone, I don't want to explain to them any more. If I wanted to bother to explain it, I probably would want to bother to continue the relationship on some level. If I don't, I won't.
Ssheena Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Well... Having been the dumped and the dumpee, I can say that the person doing the dumping has already "left" the relationship by the time they say anything. Some of us are cowards and don't want to hurt the other person but know that ending it will hurt them, sometimes we are ambivilant (should I stay or should I go) and some of us (ie, my x-husband) are totally ball-less and find a new relationship and then once they have that, dump us and could care less how we might feel as all they know is they are happy. The guy I was seeing a couple of years ago was not being honest with me and was evasive and somehow thought he could just call me up for sex and that would be ok with me. Well, it wasn't and I told him so, deleted all his voice mails, cards he sent etc and that was it. I had thought about it and made my decision. The guy I just decided to end it with (although I have sense realized my mistake and hope we can get back together) I had thought about it and thought about it and instead of saying to him, ya know this bothers me when you do this, I kept it all inside and made a list of things he did that annoyed me, I didn't want to say anything because I knew he would be terribly hurt. It doesn't excuse anyones' behavior but from my experience, when one person says flat out plain it's over, it's over. I have tried and tried in my life to get guys to fall in love with me and it just can't be done. You can't make someone feel something when they don't. I'm sorry you heard one thing 3 days ago and another thing on the 4th day. At least your person didn't act like a total coward. Sara
serial muse Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Unless the other person brought up the topic. In this case, they probably lie so that they can posticipate the break up to the moment *they* feel most confortable and ready to do it. Bingo. I'll bet this one is a lot of it - wanting to control the circumstances of the breakup, and do it when they're ready. It's selfish, but it's also true that they just might not be sure.
Curmudgeon Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I think cowardice has a lot to do with it. Don't dump until you have someone else lined-up because nothing could be worse that being wholly on your own. I could never understand that way of thinking. I either want to be with someone or I don't. No other person should enter into the equation. Either the relationship is fulfilling or it isn't. That's all that should matter. If it's not fulfilling, the end should be compassionate and kind. Why hurt someone if it can be avoided?
phillips Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 It is true what you said. I was dumped after being in a relationship for 1 1/2. 4 days before being dumped the person told me that they want to be with me and tells me that they miss me. The next day tells me that they never loved me and can't see a future with me. later finding out they have cheated on me with two different people within a month. She owes me 2400.00 and only has paid so far 300 since we broke up about a month and half ago.What should I do .....wait if she pays next month when next payment is due or call her up. She also emailed a few days ago saying that she is thinking of me and hope I'm doing well. What does this mean? I don't want to be an a**h***...It has been hard for me. There is a part of me that misses her and i'm also angry. I also don't want anything to do with her and wish she could pay the whole bill. Please let me know what you think.
alphamale Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 So I can't understand these people who can say "I love you" one day, and then just disappear without offering an explanation, or people who say the "It's not you, It's me" line of BS. because J_j_HB... there is no easy way to tell someone you no longer want to be with them and its because of reasons X, Y and Z. (X, Y & Z being negative things). There is no good way to reject someone directly so many people do it indirectly. And, in addition, the one good thing about not being give reason(s) is that you can then "fabricate" your own justifications or reasons in your own mind to make yourself feel better. It is also easier to reject people you don't know so well or who are strangers (for instance, after one or two dates). It is much much harder to reject someone you know well or for a long time. Unfortunately, I have been guilty of doing this many times to women. Its just easier for me. The latest example.....i was dating someone since sept of last year and the relaitionship wasn't really working for me but it was something to do and to pass time and the sex was OK. But from my end the feelings of love weren't developing. I last saw her Feb 14, valentines day. i gave her a card and chocolates and then walked out of her life. She sent me a couple emails and I responded back but with no intent of seeing her again. I never once led her on or promised a future or said I loved her.
Vertex Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 The sad truth is, many dumpers are selfish. They are usually not fully honest and will allow things to drag on without saying anything, only hurting the dumpee more in the end after the dumper has moved on. At that point it becomes ugly since they no longer really care about your emotions and just want it all to be over with and swept under the rug. Sometimes I think time and maturity are the only things that will truly give you any real answers. Looking for answers from the other person in the relationship just doesn't seem to work sometimes since you are both confused.
alphamale Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 The sad truth is, many dumpers are selfish. They are usually not fully honest and will allow things to drag on without saying anything, only hurting the dumpee more in the end after the dumper has moved on. If the dumper never promises anything he or she cannot deliver then there is no problem from my point of view.
TravelLight Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 It is about acceptance. Me and the ex imploded over a number of weeks, the last 'talk' culminating in a 23 hour session. Looking back on my frame of mind at the time, it is likely the conversation would not have ended and we would have died of exhaustion by now, 8 months later. There is no excuse, no reason. I have been banging my head against a wall for months. I have no choice to accept. It does not mean I forgive and forget but I have no choice but to deal with it. It gets me very down some days. Just think of them as emotionally crippled, if they don't have guts to face you or explain. I don't want emotional cripples in my life.
alphamale Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Just think of them as emotionally crippled, if they don't have guts to face you or explain. or, the other side of the coin is that they did you a favor and were trying to protect your feeelings.
Pyro Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 If someone is going to break someone else's heart, why wouldn't they feel like they owe them the truth? Especially, if the other person was good to them, or gave them a second chance when they asked for it. I've never dumped someone without explaining the truth of my reasons why. So I can't understand these people who can say "I love you" one day, and then just disappear without offering an explanation, or people who say the "It's not you, It's me" line of BS. Lots of people are afraid of confrontation. People are afraid to be honest because they are selfish. People don't like to hurt your feelings. For whatever reason that it is, people need to be honest and be up front about it. My feelings toward this is if the person chooses to not be honest with me, screw them. It is their loss.
alphamale Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Lots of people are afraid of confrontation. People are afraid to be honest because they are selfish. on the contrary RIDDLER...many times people are afraid to be honest because they are trying to protect the other's feelings. people need to be honest and be up front about it. My feelings toward this is if the person chooses to not be honest with me, screw them. It is their loss. I'm sure you'd love to hear some chick who dumps you say to you: "Oh sorry RIDDLER, I'm dumping you cause you dick it too small and your'e bad in bed, oh and you're ugly too!"...
Pyro Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 on the contrary RIDDLER...many times people are afraid to be honest because they are trying to protect the other's feelings. I'm sure you'd love to hear some chick who dumps you say to you: "Oh sorry RIDDLER, I'm dumping you cause you dick it too small and your'e bad in bed, oh and you're ugly too!"... Protecting the others feelings? Come on, that is the worst excuse to use. I think that people would have their feelings hurt less if they were told the truth then knowing that they were lied to instead. i really don't see a female dumping me for the reasons that you listed above. I usually attract a woman that is more respectable then that. Unlike lots of people that i know, I can handle the truth as well as dish it out. So there is not one single excuse on earth for not telling the truth.
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Like anyone would ever actually SAY that reason to the person they're breaking up with. That's as bad as saying I just don't love you anymore... It causes real damage psychologically for people. I am agreeing with alpha here. There are times when telling the truth could be hurtful so it's just best to not say it.
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 So there is not one single excuse on earth for not telling the truth. What if the person one is dating is mentally unbalanced and not telling them the truth is actually BETTER for them? It's not lying, it's just excluding certain details.
Pyro Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 What if the person one is dating is mentally unbalanced and not telling them the truth is actually BETTER for them? It's not lying, it's just excluding certain details. I guess that we all look at relationships differently. I for one will have total respect for whom I am dating (excluding cheaters). i would want to know the truth, so i do the same for them. I have dated an unbalanced female in the past. I was still honest with her. Some of the reprucussions were bad but I was proud of myself for being up front with her. I guess that there are a few that exceptions could be made for if they were really unbalanced, but for the most part, honesty is the best policy.
Guest Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 or, the other side of the coin is that they did you a favor and were trying to protect your feeelings. Sorry, that is BS. Protect my feelings; it's too late you've done your worst. How about tell it like it is? Much better for me, you and our futures. Don't hide behind a veil of crap, I would have never have gone out with you. This aint a propoganda show.
alphamale Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Protecting the others feelings? Come on, that is the worst excuse to use. I think that people would have their feelings hurt less if they were told the truth then knowing that they were lied to instead. there are times to say the truth. there are times to lie. there are times to say nothing at all. the hard part is knowing what to say and when.
Recommended Posts