My dilemma

[movinon05]

I don't think she's strong enough to make any decisions. She's not able to leave the M, not able to work on it, wants you to be there for her and give her what she needs. Sounds like she's willing to go on like this forever.

 

Bottom line. She doesn't know what she wants. And you are getting drug through the muck and the mire. She needs to get her life in order, without you.

 

If you're there when its done, then you are there. Sounds like this could drag on forever. Is that what you want?

[Sami_D]

Ladies, please tell me....why is my MW messing with my mind? I guess I have been thinking too much lately. She still is in 'push-pull' mode with me, and she is also seeing a therapist. I try to give MW space so that she can sort her issues out (whether she wants to stay married - and I stay out of that completely), but then she asks me why I didn't ask her to sleep with me again when we were together one day last week. As I see on this board, the physical for a woman only intensifies the emotional bond. If this is true, then why the 'push-pull?' I really need a woman's POV....THANKS

 

You continue to allow her to do this by seeing her and 'being there' for her.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but she is NOT in any fit mental condition to be having a R with you EVEN if she were single. She's all over the place, she doesn't know what she wants. She's supposed to be in therapy to sort out her mind and emotions, and SEEING YOU isn't helping. Can't you see that?

 

If she can't behave when you see her, you need to stop seeing her. Confine it to emails. It's really no use you getting yourself in a knot about her behaviour. YOU need to take control.

[BKRPM]

Thanks for all of the advice. Another update. MW still going through counseling, and she tells me that D is looking more and more like the option. I agree - I need to give her more space so that she can work on her own issues. I have given her more space. The big question: How do I maximize my chances with MW after D, assuming that is the way she proceeds? Keep in mind that I do not ask anything about how she's progressing with counseling, unless she tells me. I know I need to wait and not pressure MW. I'd hate to lose her based on stupid decisions on my part.

[movinon05]

I'm sure she is feeling stronger, and counseling may have to do with that. OR she may be telling you that to keep you within reach. Whether she actually goes through with D will be another story.

 

I think its best to continue to give her space to work out her issues and let her know that is what you are doing. I don't know that you have to maximize your chances with her. She needs to realize you are doing this for her. If that doesn't say anything, nothing will. Just don't make promises. You'll be setting yourself up to have to possibly wait even longer.

[Jessie61]

Thanks for all of the advice. Another update. MW still going through counseling, and she tells me that D is looking more and more like the option. I agree - I need to give her more space so that she can work on her own issues. I have given her more space. The big question: How do I maximize my chances with MW after D, assuming that is the way she proceeds? Keep in mind that I do not ask anything about how she's progressing with counseling, unless she tells me. I know I need to wait and not pressure MW. I'd hate to lose her based on stupid decisions on my part.

 

BKRPM,

 

I am glad MW is still going through counselling. But remember that these things usually take a bit of time...

 

Also, try not to build up your hopes too much just because of her comments about a D. She is after all still in counselling but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, it is much easier said than done. And you also have to consider that this vague comment may just have been said to keep you hanging in there...

 

As for maximising your chances... I really haven't a clue! It would be a case of the blind leading the blind if I gave you advice on that!

 

But I do think that you should not adapt your life too much to accomodate her. This could go on for a l-o-n-g time yet, you don't even know if she will get a D, and even if she does, you don't know if the two of you will have a future together.... There are so many uncertainties here and in the meantime you are risking putting your interests permanently second to hers. I know I am sounding like a broken record here (if you have read any of my other posts!), but you need to look after yourself too. She is in counselling, she's being looked after. But who is looking after you?

 

Keep posting!

[BKRPM]

Another update: After listening to suggestions here, and reflecting on my EA/PA for some time, I distanced myself from MW a bit, and made it a general rule to keep conversations to a friendship level, although there has been some minor physical contact (no sex, though for now) here and there. MW has been vacillating as to whether she needs to leave H or not. MW went to visit cousins (with H and children) a few weeks ago in Tennessee. I feared the worst when she returned, but all she mentioned is that H was very crabby/depressed and yelled a lot for all but the last two days. MW came back saying she needs to 'live in the moment' for a few weeks to collect her thoughts. Keep in mind that we work together, and we always have been able to keep the work life and personal life apart.

 

Any suggestions as to how I should play things at this point? NC isn't an option at this point, and doesn't seem wise, regardless. All I know is that MW is very special to me, and after four years of friendship (and 1 1/2 years of more), I don't want to readily give up. I do not, however, want to wait around forever, as I am getting asked out by other ladies. There are some other signs that I know that MW is very stressed/conflicted, etc right now: she has been eating very little, and she loses things (keys, numbers, files, etc) all the time. Normally she eats well, and I have never known her to lose anything in the first 3 3/4 years....

[lovernotafighter]

I work with my MM and we were doing well with NC till he made himself work directly with me..we made it ah about a month.

 

he said he wanted to be friends and I said we can try that and by the end of the week we were at square one all over again.

 

I really wish I had some good advice,but I don't even have any for myself.

[bunset]

BKRPM,

 

I have to say that you are doing the best you can.

I also have to say that my ego is letting me see some of my situation in yours (right down to the cousins and vacation!)

But anyway. If you wish to 'hang in there' all you can do is give it time.

My xMM was so blind to his own needs that he allowed himself to be caught quickly by his W. He's obviously messed up anyway to pursue our relationship in the first place. So's your MW.

I'm at a loss as to why NC is a 'bad idea'.

Can't you make your self clear and visible, without stepping in and creating influence?

Listen, until she gets herself straight, she's no good to you.

I'm accepting NC, just beacuse I'm working on my divorce. My unknowing spouse will probably try to keep me. His very aware W is definitely trying to keep him and he's groveling to her, now. I doubt he'll remain 'dutiful' forever, because he knows there's something wrong in his marriage.. but again, I'm projecting.

I know there's something wrong, here.. I'll go to counseling, be good, dutiful... but know it's doomed... I won't say that to my spouse. said it to MM But he never said the same to me, so I have to assume the worst.

He's the xMM and I'll move on, not wait forever, but wait and see.

When I find a relationship that works for me, I'll do what's right for it, then.

Honestly, just move on, and take each day. Don't rush, don't fear, just do.

You can't fix her problems, only yours.

[zarathustra]

Another update: After listening to suggestions here, and reflecting on my EA/PA for some time, I distanced myself from MW a bit, and made it a general rule to keep conversations to a friendship level, although there has been some minor physical contact (no sex, though for now) here and there. MW has been vacillating as to whether she needs to leave H or not. MW went to visit cousins (with H and children) a few weeks ago in Tennessee. I feared the worst when she returned, but all she mentioned is that H was very crabby/depressed and yelled a lot for all but the last two days. MW came back saying she needs to 'live in the moment' for a few weeks to collect her thoughts. Keep in mind that we work together, and we always have been able to keep the work life and personal life apart.

 

Any suggestions as to how I should play things at this point? NC isn't an option at this point, and doesn't seem wise, regardless. All I know is that MW is very special to me, and after four years of friendship (and 1 1/2 years of more), I don't want to readily give up. I do not, however, want to wait around forever, as I am getting asked out by other ladies. There are some other signs that I know that MW is very stressed/conflicted, etc right now: she has been eating very little, and she loses things (keys, numbers, files, etc) all the time. Normally she eats well, and I have never known her to lose anything in the first 3 3/4 years....

BKRPM, I am sure that your MW feels that you are just as special. But I think that you need to stop and reflect on where you want this relationship to go and if she is being fair to her H. I went through the same discussion with my xMM last week. He kept telling that he loves me and that there's not a day that goes by where he doesn't think of me. All my friends thinks that he's an ass for telling me that, but I'm glad we cleared the air. I had a chance to ask him last week if he is being fair to his wife staying in the marriage when his heart is with me. He said he needs the courage to do the right thing... whatever that may be or whatever it is. I said if he decides to leave his W, he must do it for himself and not for me this time. Then he can have no doubt in his mind that he tried everything, but the issues in the marriage is too overwhelming to continue with it. This way both he and his W can find partners that would fulfill them emotionally.

 

I guess my take on your situation is that your MW has a responsibility to her H and in order to be fair to her H, she should keep things strictly business between the two of you. You may have to end up asking her to keep things strictly business if you want to have lasting and fond memories of your relationship with MW. This back and forth think will yield nothing but bitterness.

 

I work with my xMM too and I know its incredibly hard and I wish you the best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

If you can, just dig down even deeper and cut off the physical part of your affair. You're half way there in the sense you're not having sex. Now you just have to stop the kissing, touching and hugging. Just do it! I think it will be easier than you think...Another thing is, don't have sexual thoughts about her. Try not to think of her when you're not with her. The less your think of her, you'll detach faster and slowly not care as much what she does/thinks while at home with her husband. It's a healthier place for you to be in.

 

By doing that, you're letting go. Don't cross that line with her when it comes to sex and affection. Only see her/talk to her at work, don't see her outside of work. Detach yourself enough so you CAN date other women if you choose to do so.

 

It's very selfish of her to come back after her trip and say now she wants to live in the moment. She was gone and missed you, now wants to start it all back up again.

 

Also, she's probably exaggerating about her hubby being depressed and crabby when they got back. Sorry, you need to hear this! They're on a family trip, kids included...He isn't going to be crabby and down while on holidays...She's saying that to keep you on the straight and narrow with her..............

 

She's special to you, I understand that...Though with that being said, she's still married, with her husband and children at home. That isn't going to change. She isn't going to move out or give up her children. She isn't going to change her life so drastically - NO matter what she feels for you. Maybe it's really time for you to take that BIG step back and ask if all this is worth it? Chalk it up as a woman you love deeply but can never have...You two met at the wrong time in life.

[Sami_D]

I distanced myself from MW a bit, and made it a general rule to keep conversations to a friendship level, although there has been some minor physical contact (no sex, though for now) here and there.

 

... Any suggestions as to how I should play things at this point? NC isn't an option at this point, and doesn't seem wise, regardless.

 

My advice to you is the same as it has always been.

 

She needs time and space to work on her M. You are acting through fear of losing her (why doesn't NC seem wise?). What you're doing is madness. Can't you see that all you are doing is prolonging this whole business... her 'indecision' over her D, and all your pain and uncertainty? At the very least you need to stop the physical contact. No sex 'for now'???

 

One of you has to start acting with a clear head. And from her previous behaviour there isn't a cat in hell's chance that she's going to be the one to do that, quite apart from the fact that she doesn't have to because you're there for her whenever she wants an escape from her M... Can't you see that it's YOU who has to behave responsibly for your own good (and for a possible future with her, if there is one) here?

 

You are asking for advice on what to do 'at this stage' but as far as I can see, nothing has really changed since you first posted... has it?

[Jessie61]

You are asking for advice on what to do 'at this stage' but as far as I can see, nothing has really changed since you first posted... has it?

 

BKRPM,

 

I agree with Sami.... Nothing even half substantial has changed, has it....? It is the same vagueness and comments designed to give you that bit of hope to make you hang in there etc that you have seen so far, isn't it?

 

Yes, you MW has lost some weight, but that does not mean that she is about to leave her M, does it?

 

I have no other advice to give than to scroll up and read my previous posts. Sorry!

[BKRPM]

I really need support from all of you now. Another update: MW tells me that she knows that D is the only way to go, but it is just a matter of 'when.' She says that the marriage is awful. MW tells me that she cannot promise me anything because, after D, she is wary of bringing in any other figure into her childrens' lives (ages 6 & 9), because no one could do it like her H. MW acknowledges that H is a great dad but a terrible husband. From what I see/hear, I really would agree. So, MW wants me to look elsewhere, because she feels guilty that she's having me wait for her. I guess it would be easy if MW said that her feelings for me have waned, etc. Then I could start to heal. But, NO, she admits that her feelings for me right now have never been as strong, that she needs to 'fall out of love with me' because she says she would be devastated if I found anyone else, as I am the only one that she ever had a deep and undying love for. So, in short, its kind of like "My heart aches for you...I want to be with you....please don't ever leave my side," but at the same time, she is playing in work mode (I work with her), and keeps telling me not to "wait for her sorry self, and move on." Of course I am keeping it professional, but it's killing me, with the conflicting emotions she is sharing....advice? She really is despondent. I guess I don't understand the "I want to fall out of love" part. She says that she does not want that at all, but she feels like she needs to have all of the pain now. Even by her actions, I can tell that these words aren't lines of bullsh$t. I'm usually not an emotional person, but I feel like I could break down at any minute....

[movinon05]

I really need support from all of you now. Another update: MW tells me that she knows that D is the only way to go, but it is just a matter of 'when.' She says that the marriage is awful. MW tells me that she cannot promise me anything because, after D, she is wary of bringing in any other figure into her childrens' lives (ages 6 & 9), because no one could do it like her H. MW acknowledges that H is a great dad but a terrible husband. From what I see/hear, I really would agree. So, MW wants me to look elsewhere, because she feels guilty that she's having me wait for her. I guess it would be easy if MW said that her feelings for me have waned, etc. Then I could start to heal. But, NO, she admits that her feelings for me right now have never been as strong, that she needs to 'fall out of love with me' because she says she would be devastated if I found anyone else, as I am the only one that she ever had a deep and undying love for. So, in short, its kind of like "My heart aches for you...I want to be with you....please don't ever leave my side," but at the same time, she is playing in work mode (I work with her), and keeps telling me not to "wait for her sorry self, and move on." Of course I am keeping it professional, but it's killing me, with the conflicting emotions she is sharing....advice? She really is despondent. I guess I don't understand the "I want to fall out of love" part. She says that she does not want that at all, but she feels like she needs to have all of the pain now. Even by her actions, I can tell that these words aren't lines of bullsh$t. I'm usually not an emotional person, but I feel like I could break down at any minute....

 

 

She is looking at all the obstacles now and becoming overwhelmed with them to the point she cannot handle them enough to make a decision to walk away from the M. She can't promise you anything now. This is the time you need to walk away. This is why NC is important. If she can't promise you anything, you are just holding on because you can't let go, but this isn't going anywhere anytime soon. You need to resolve within yourself to step away and give her the space to deal with her own stuff. And you need to do this for yourself as well. This kind of cycle doesn't resolve itself and just gets more and more burdensome. NC will hurt, but given time, things will ease. You have to realize that and believe it from one who has done the same. You have to take that leap of faith that this is the best thing no matter how it ends up. And, my dear, it is a leap of faith with no guarantees, but yes, it is absolutely necessary for both of your personal growths.

[Kathleen2260]

Your story sounds so familiar! A close friend of mine was dating a MW about 4 years ago. His MW sounds exactly like yours. She claimed her H was verbally abusive and always mean to her (he had been hurt in a work related accident and was home a lot) They had two young children (only one was her H's) and she treated my friend much like your MW treats you.

 

He was crazy about her and she seemed to be crazy about him and would tell him lies about her husband, about how she wasn't attracted to him anymore and that he forced her to have sex with him, and that he was always putting her down. (He later found out these were all lies) She talked about D and told my friend she'd never felt happier with anyone. They had so much fun sneaking around and he really was a great source of happiness to MW. She kept promise to leave H but always had excuses. The truth was she needed my friend when her life with H wasn't going well, and when H was nice to her she was in love with him again. MW was very attached to my friend though. He was like a drug to her. He tried to leave a few times (tired of the up and down nature of their R and the fact that she wouldnt' leave H). but she always convinced him to come back. It wasn't even so much about the sex he told me but just the affection and she was always telling him she loved him and all of that.

 

My friend's MW had very low self esteem and not any confidence at all and she was addicted to the attention he gave her. HE was her drug and if he broke contact she would do anything to get him back! She would promise to leave her H and talk divorce and everything and say she couldnt' live without him and start planning their life together, and then when he took her back and the A started up again, she would be happy and then go back to her "I can't leave H" routine. This went on until my friend met a beautiful single woman and told MW it was over. There was a huge blow up where his SW and MW showed up at the same place at the same time (after he told MW it was over) and MW begged him to take her back and that she couldn't live without him and she actually slit her wrists and had to be rushed to the hospital.

 

My friend had minimal contact with her after that episode. She tried for months to win him back but he was happy with the single woman he'd met who he is still with today.

 

So your story isn't unusual this is the behavior that some MW who have low self esteem exhibit. I honestly don't think she will leave her H nor do I think that things will get any better between the two of you. YOu are like her drug, she is addicted to you and needs your attention and affection to make things better in her home life (with H) as evidenced by her email to you. While she does care for you imo she is just using you because you make her feel better about herself. I wish you luck though.

[Sami_D]

Kathleen is so right about this.

 

I have two male friends who were in very similar situations to you, BKRPM. One of them has since broken it off with the MW, but it was mainly her doing ~ pushing him away just as your MW is doing. If it had been up to him he would have hung around her forever. The other one is still in the very same situation, I think it's almost 8 years now, he's been a tiny sattelite in this woman's world. She refuses to leave her 'apalling' M, and basically uses him to bolster her feelings of low self-worth.

 

Take this opportunity to walk away now. She needs to work on her M, and on herself. And you need to think about why you are prepared to accept this kind of poor treatment from someone who has absolutely nothing sane and substantial to offer you.

 

I'm so sorry to hear all this.

[Jessie61]

I really need support from all of you now. Another update: MW tells me that she knows that D is the only way to go, but it is just a matter of 'when.' She says that the marriage is awful. MW tells me that she cannot promise me anything because, after D, she is wary of bringing in any other figure into her childrens' lives (ages 6 & 9), because no one could do it like her H. MW acknowledges that H is a great dad but a terrible husband. From what I see/hear, I really would agree. So, MW wants me to look elsewhere, because she feels guilty that she's having me wait for her. I guess it would be easy if MW said that her feelings for me have waned, etc. Then I could start to heal. But, NO, she admits that her feelings for me right now have never been as strong, that she needs to 'fall out of love with me' because she says she would be devastated if I found anyone else, as I am the only one that she ever had a deep and undying love for. So, in short, its kind of like "My heart aches for you...I want to be with you....please don't ever leave my side," but at the same time, she is playing in work mode (I work with her), and keeps telling me not to "wait for her sorry self, and move on." Of course I am keeping it professional, but it's killing me, with the conflicting emotions she is sharing....advice? She really is despondent. I guess I don't understand the "I want to fall out of love" part. She says that she does not want that at all, but she feels like she needs to have all of the pain now. Even by her actions, I can tell that these words aren't lines of bullsh$t. I'm usually not an emotional person, but I feel like I could break down at any minute....

 

BKRPM,

 

I am sorry that everything is still so hard for you. But I don't see how anything new has happened, but please correct me if I am wrong. It is still words, some to do the decent thing by "letting you go" and others to encourage you to hang in there and wait...

 

My advice still stands as hard as it still is.... You have to walk away from this or it will go on forever. NC is the only way to go. I wish it was different, but I don't think it is. You need to get some NORMALITY back into your life, irrespective of what is going on in MW's M. You cannot live like this indefinitively. You don't deserve this.

 

Keep posting.

[BKRPM]

Hello, Ladies. I don't know if I am saying anything new here, but I do need some advice/encouragement, etc:

 

Things with MW got to the point two weeks ago where she was looking for an apartment, and looking for good divorce attorneys. She even did leave him one evening and holed up at work, and I had to talk her back down, and told her that she needed to go back for the kids' sake. She told me that things had gotten worse as they ever have.

 

Well, after last weekend, MW says that she needed to work on her marriage, and that she felt that things were going to work. This is despite the fact that he still hangs up on her half the times when they talk on the phone, and she still tells everybody at work that they fight. All last week, according to MW, everything was perfect: her job, her marriage, her kids, her new friends. As she tells me this, she barely can feign a smile. Let's face it -- MW is just acting very strange. I told her that I would give her space while she makes a decision, and go NC for anything other than our work dealings.

 

How can I stop loving her, at least for a bit, to give her her space, and to make myself start feeling at least a bit better? On a 1-10 scale with 10 being the happiest, I feel like a 0.5....

[Walking away]

Hi friend.

 

Baby steps. Just take baby steps. One day at a time.

 

Many of us have been where you are. It takes time and lots of self love.

 

Love yourself enough to know that you deserve to feel better.

 

Walk away with dignity and self respect. You will not regret it.

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I remember that pain well, as it wasn't so long ago that I was where you are.

 

Be good to yourself.

 

Hugs to you....

 

WA

[Jessie61]

Things with MW got to the point two weeks ago where she was looking for an apartment, and looking for good divorce attorneys. She even did leave him one evening and holed up at work, and I had to talk her back down, and told her that she needed to go back for the kids' sake. She told me that things had gotten worse as they ever have.

 

Well, after last weekend, MW says that she needed to work on her marriage, and that she felt that things were going to work.

 

BKRPM,

 

I know that I am going to sound like a broken record, so please forgive me....

 

In my opinion nothing has changed with your situation. It is still the same with her giving you two messages; on the one hand she is leaving her terrible M, and on the other she isn't. She did not actually leave her H that time, she stayed back late at work. That is all. But she DID tell you after a weekend at home that she is working on her M. Concentrate on the latter.

 

The bottomline is that it is still all words and no real action in any direction; if there was she would leave her H or she would ask you to get out of her life and cut off all contact with you. She is doing neither, and I think that Kathleen has hit the head on the nail about the reasons why.

 

What is the cure for this, to change the neverending status quo? NC.

 

How do you stop loving her? NC.

 

I am sorry, mate, but there is no other way around it. You need to distance yourself from this situation. You need to have some normality in your life to even begin to see what is going on. With NC you WILL get over her. Things WILL get better. More to the point, YOU will feel better.

 

How do I know? Because I have done it myself. I used to listen to the same contradictory words that you are listening to. It takes a bit of distance to realise that it is only WORDS. And words are not enough. So I have walked away (yes, also after a long period of agonising!) and the moment I did walk away, the clouds over my head disappeared, I felt happier than I had done in over 18 months, and I never once looked back. It was the best thing that I ever did and I am doing so incredibly well now. And I am not so different or exceptional that NC would not have the same effect on other people. I am absolutely positive that it would work for you too, same it has worked for a number of people here.

 

In any event, you will never know until you really give it a good try.....? Surely ANYTHING is better than the situation that you are in now?

[Sami_D]

What I wrote in June:

 

My advice to you is the same as it has always been.

 

She needs time and space to work on her M. You are acting through fear of losing her (why doesn't NC seem wise?). What you're doing is madness. Can't you see that all you are doing is prolonging this whole business... her 'indecision' over her D, and all your pain and uncertainty? At the very least you need to stop the physical contact. No sex 'for now'???

One of you has to start acting with a clear head. And from her previous behaviour there isn't a cat in hell's chance that she's going to be the one to do that, quite apart from the fact that she doesn't have to because you're there for her whenever she wants an escape from her M... Can't you see that it's YOU who has to behave responsibly for your own good (and for a possible future with her, if there is one) here?

 

You are asking for advice on what to do 'at this stage' but as far as I can see, nothing has really changed since you first posted... has it?

 

I'm sorry, but I still see it exactly the same way. You're caught in a loop, and you need to get out. Go NC. It is possible. And it is the only way to put an end to this. You HAVE the strength to do this, you just doubt yourself, and give into your desires and immediate needs.

 

Change your behaviour... see how she responds.

 

More to the point, from personal experience I can tell you: Going NC is an amazing way to find out your own strength. It's extremely liberating.

 

Look at it like this: you don't just 'have' the strength outright to go NC. It's like a muscle... at first, it's weak, atrophied from all the 'giving in' you've been doing. NC feels like Hell. But, after hours and days of NC exercise you start to get stronger... and stronger... and develop ways of avoiding calling, avoiding thinking negative thoughts... and... in a short time, you can 'flex your NC muscles' and think ~ HEY! I can do this!

 

Believe me, it's a tremendous feeling. Try it!

 

WHAT have you got to lose? And WHAT to gain..?

[consternation]

lmao Sami. That is so true. Having gone NC with my MM (but with odd text) ... I feel so much more confident for the future. It sounds obvious... but I feel optimistic knowing I have the strength to leave a bad situation... and that I won't get trapped by my own weakness/neediness/whatever the hell it is!

 

These things always end badly so at least end it on your own terms! At the end of the day if the person loves you they will find a way to be with you.

[BKRPM]

Hello - I have been NC for a week-and-a-half now, and, even though I know that it is the right thing to do, I feel really sad. I can't even thin straight. MW and I decided NC mutually (although we still work together, and that has not really been a problem), because she decided that she needs to see if her M would work, and I couldn't take the stress of 'push-pull' any longer. Any encouraging words, friends?

 

The rough part of it is that, MW went from "love you more than anything" to "like you as a friend" in two weeks. So, I think it has to be one of two things: her professions of love were fake (which I don't think they were); or she's trying to convince herself NOT to be in love, so she doesn't say it. I have no idea why I get caught up in figuring this out. MW continues to say that H is mean not necessarily because of her, and if he verbally lashes out at her, that is ok. I think that is ridiculous. She said that she will make everything happy at home, and she thinks it is working (despite shouts overheard from her occasionally at work of "I can't believe how horrible and depressing my life is!"

 

A good friend who has been through this explained this to me very well, and made me feel a bit better. She (my friend) said that she is sure that the MW loves me very much, and probably is sincere when MW says that she has found a once-in-a-lifetime love. She said that it is probable that her M is a living hell. But, it is NOT about ME or H, but only her inability (she spends her life with every issue saddled with guilt) to do anything about her situation.

 

This is tough.... : (

[lovernotafighter]

I know NC at work has to be one the hardest things ever..my MM and I are going the just friends route and I hate it..I am wonder the same thing as you..how can he say he's in love with me (he just wrote me a love letter on Monday) and then act like nothing ever happened?

 

I am guessing she really does love you but is torn from the familiar things she knows and finding her true love.

 

I am sorry for you pain,I know it is hard but is the best thing for your sanity

[Sami_D]

Congratulations on a week and a half of NC. You're doing great. And yes, it is tough, but remember... it's going to get easier. Not before you've been through quite a few stages, quite a few bad days... as time goes by you will find your strength and ways to cope, til eventually it will be second nature.

 

A good friend who has been through this explained this to me very well, and made me feel a bit better. She (my friend) said that she is sure that the MW loves me very much, and probably is sincere when MW says that she has found a once-in-a-lifetime love. She said that it is probable that her M is a living hell. But, it is NOT about ME or H, but only her inability (she spends her life with every issue saddled with guilt) to do anything about her situation.

 

Your friend is right. It IS about MW's inability to do anything about her situation. That is how it has always been. And no amount of you waiting was helping her. In fact, quite the reverse, as most affairs partners simply enable someone to remain relatively happy in a bad marriage. Think of going NC as doing her a favour in helping her to fix up her life, or make the break she needs to make... for herself.

 

Best of luck, I'm so glad you've been able to do it.