In Sync Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Incredibly Good. It's been since the end of October that I've maintained NC and I think I'm at a new stage now. I know acceptance has been apart of my vocabulary for a while now but it's really something I embrace without feeling like a defeated soldier. The other day I was shopping and had passed by a mirror and without even thinking I said to myself "Oh I look pretty today." Then I stopped and caught myself because I realized that I'd never been able to think that before during the time I was with the "X" and definitely after he broke it off up until now. I feel like I've recaptured the love for me that I lost while with him. I need it to survive and move on. Maybe that's another ingredient we need to include with NC, alot of love for yourself, because we tend to obsess so much about these ex's that we overlook how we feel about ourselves during the our healing time. How you doing out there? No matter what stage you are.. speak up!
KittenMoon Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Lousy! It's been over 2 months since the break. 3 weeks since last contact (an email from him) and contact was sparse prior to that. I'm still sad all the time, terrified of the very alone direction my life is moving in. I still think of the things about my day I'm going to say to him when he calls me, except obviously he's not calling anymore. I just got back from a wedding shower for two of our best friends, and seeing other people so happy made me want to scream. I spent 6 years with him, he was my first love and lover, and I am terrified and repulsed by the idea of being with anyone else. I don't want to have to build up that sort of intimacy with someone else, and I am terrified of what will happen with someone else after a few years, 5 years, 10 years, etc, if this is what happened between us. I am still very angry. But my confidence has not suffered much. I have a lot to offer; attractiveness, intelligence, I'm well educated and employed, very quirky and unique, and I'd make a wonderful partner. However, I also know that the kinds of guys I click with are few and far between, and are snatched up quickly. So the best I can say is that I'm not crying all the time, I'm not having any more anxiety attacks (mostly), and I'm eating sufficiently. I'm going out a lot with friends (although that mainly makes me note his absence) and starting new activities. I've still got a long road.
Author In Sync Posted April 22, 2006 Author Posted April 22, 2006 Lousy! It's been over 2 months since the break. 3 weeks since last contact (an email from him) and contact was sparse prior to that. I'm still sad all the time, terrified of the very alone direction my life is moving in. I still think of the things about my day I'm going to say to him when he calls me, except obviously he's not calling anymore. I just got back from a wedding shower for two of our best friends, and seeing other people so happy made me want to scream. I spent 6 years with him, he was my first love and lover, and I am terrified and repulsed by the idea of being with anyone else. I don't want to have to build up that sort of intimacy with someone else, and I am terrified of what will happen with someone else after a few years, 5 years, 10 years, etc, if this is what happened between us. I am still very angry. But my confidence has not suffered much. I have a lot to offer; attractiveness, intelligence, I'm well educated and employed, very quirky and unique, and I'd make a wonderful partner. However, I also know that the kinds of guys I click with are few and far between, and are snatched up quickly. So the best I can say is that I'm not crying all the time, I'm not having any more anxiety attacks (mostly), and I'm eating sufficiently. I'm going out a lot with friends (although that mainly makes me note his absence) and starting new activities. I've still got a long road. From the sounds of it I'd say you are doing better than lousy. I mean lousy would be completely dsyfunctional. Unable to cope, in bed crying and eatting buckets of ice cream and dishevelled. None of which you are. You are feeling sad (and come girl you have a right to! It's still in the early stages your healing) But it's great that your self-esteem is solid! As for your fear of meeting someone new "repulsed by the idea of being with anyone else." That is going to be soooo over. The good thing with that when it passes is you'll be selective about any new guy that comes along your way. They'll have to be top notch quality and not just any knuckle-head. You are fortunate to have friends to hang out with and activities to be involved with...this is great stuff. Sure it's gonna hurt still but again if it didn't kill ya...it makes you stronger!!
kindredspirit Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Was supposed to start NC, but just finished talking to him on Skype, chatting, listening to music - doing the friend thing for about 2 hours . Of course i was online hoping to catch him. It's difficult for me to tell him that I don't want to talk to him anymore because I want to heal because, well, I've actually done that before TWICE, only to go back on my word. So I can't say that to him anymore. The only way i guess is to stop lurking on the computer. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!! (or something like that). Strength for another day...sigh...
KittenMoon Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 As for your fear of meeting someone new "repulsed by the idea of being with anyone else." That is going to be soooo over. Is this normal? WHEN does it pass. I have this utterly sick feeling when I imagine being with another guy. I'm terrified that the first time I go out with, or kiss him, or sleep with him, I'll burst into tears, because it will be yet another door closed on my old love. And then there's the moment I find out HE'S with another girl... I don't even know how that's going to take me, but it's not going to be anything good... I'm really surpised how much fear comes along with this break-up.
Author In Sync Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 Is this normal? WHEN does it pass. I have this utterly sick feeling when I imagine being with another guy. I'm terrified that the first time I go out with, or kiss him, or sleep with him, I'll burst into tears, because it will be yet another door closed on my old love. And then there's the moment I find out HE'S with another girl... I don't even know how that's going to take me, but it's not going to be anything good... I'm really surpised how much fear comes along with this break-up. There nothing abnormal with this. It's fear. And at least you recognize what you are terrified of. You were in a very long term relationship and he was your first love...There is no way in the world you'll have the desire to jump into a new relationship so soon and right away. So YES the idea will repulse you. But you are in the early stages of healing. Understand that every person and the way they love another is different. You love body heart and soul. It's a complete unit. Ergo I hardly think that you will go with just anybody. I do think that when you encounter that "uber" special one...You will know from the top of your head to the tips of your toes and there will not be a doubt. So anything in between will send you away feeling "repulsed." Don't be swayed to settle for less than someone who moves you because it will feel icky. Yes you'll see other happy couples but it is clear the reason you think you will react with fear is out of wanting nothing less than the intimacy you had with someone you truly loved. Be happy for all those other happy copuples and allow time to work and heal you. As for him and the future and who he's with.. You Can't Live in Fear of seeing him. It too we be unnatural if it did not effect you Only you will get through it. And you'll be able to handle it with grace.
Kittiecat Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 First off - In Sync, you are a such an inspiration! You give the rest of us gals hope that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Congrats on your progress!! KittenMoon - I am so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I just broke up w/my boyfriend of 2 years - it'll be two weeks on Tuesday. I know what you mean about the fear and emotions involved. There's a Sex and the City episode where Carrie cries in the middle of a kiss w/ a new guy - that would definitely be me at this point. I cried last night for a good half hour because I was actually going to go out with the girls, SINGLE, free and clear to give and/or receive phone numbers. [i didn't - we left the bar at midnight!] It was a terrible feeling, though - being "safe" for two years and then going back to the single world, where nothing is certain and there are no guarantees. Anyway, corny as it may sound, I do believe in the "time heals all wounds" adage. I'm sure the right man is out there, but you're probably not ready to meet him yet. You will be, someday. I have no idea when - wish I could tell you, and I wish I had an answer for myself. Everyone is different, but you'll know when the ex is out of your system and you're ready to meet new people. Good luck and take care!
alphamale Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 I feel like I've recaptured the love for me that I lost while with him. Part of being "selfish" is loving yourself first and foremost. If you are with a partner who takes your love for yourself away then you're with the wrong person.
Author In Sync Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 Part of being "selfish" is loving yourself first and foremost. If you are with a partner who takes your love for yourself away then you're with the wrong person. I see that now...at the time I was involved with him, I gradually mirrored myself through his vision. I took so much about how he regarded me as pure fact. I wanted so much of him to reciprocate his love that I gave way to not loving me more and focusing only on him. In short I gave my power away, my self-love...so yeah.. it's true I was with the wrong person.
KittenMoon Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 I see that now...at the time I was involved with him, I gradually mirrored myself through his vision. I took so much about how he regarded me as pure fact. I wanted so much of him to reciprocate his love that I gave way to not loving me more and focusing only on him. In short I gave my power away, my self-love...so yeah.. it's true I was with the wrong person. Sometimes I think it was the exact opposite for me... I think maybe I didn't need him as much as he wanted me to. Or something like that.
shelters Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 It's almost 5 weeks and it is going pretty well, though my grieving process started a few weeks before he actually broke up with me. For me, after I put up my NC boundary I had a couple of bad days and then suddenly was feeling ok, even happy from time to time. I see my part in it all which isn't difficult for me since I'm a pretty 'aware' type person, plus I tend to take the blame for more than my share. What is important is that I see his part now too. This more objective view has played a part in my feeling better these last few days, I'm sure. It helped me to remove him from the pedestal I had him on and see his contribution to the demise of the relationship.
Author In Sync Posted April 24, 2006 Author Posted April 24, 2006 For what it's worth I think part of getting over and moving forward is looking back and taking note of where we were and where we are. We grieve over the losses of our relationships and dwell on them but we forget that each day we are putting our pain behind us and each day it hurts that much less. In some way this has been the most surreal experience I've gone through.. when I first arrived at LS I never imagined I would be unable to go on w/o the x, my world was rocked...BUT there is a light at the end of that tunnel and all of us eventually get to it.
Chinook Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 Wish I'd seen this before posting my other thread just now. It's not going so great. Broke NC but in an indirect way to say how I did with the marathon. Still believed that he'd also think it was a big deal that I'd done the marathon after everything else I've been through. No reply though. Ho hum. S'pose I shouldn't really have expected anything else.
Author In Sync Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 Wish I'd seen this before posting my other thread just now. It's not going so great. Broke NC but in an indirect way to say how I did with the marathon. Still believed that he'd also think it was a big deal that I'd done the marathon after everything else I've been through. No reply though. Ho hum. S'pose I shouldn't really have expected anything else. Well done on your marathon run! I took a gander at your other thread...and you know what aside from achieving such an amazing thing in your life...you also realized you don't need the ex to validate your accomplishments...You and all us on LS know what you have been through and where you are. I broke NC with my x when my mom passed away when I first attempted NC and thought he'd display some empathy...barely a morsel...a glib sorry and that was it. Today six months later I think what kind of person was I so hung up over that he couldn't even offer me that. An act of human compassion during the most critical event of my life. It's an eyeopener to say the least but it makes us wiser in ourr choice of friends and lovers. Not to seek validation from others and to cherish those who are giving. Once again Chinook..well done! P.S. no more breaking NC.
Guest Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 In Synch Yeah, I agree with you. No more breaking NC. He's not getting the book I was going to send or in fact anything. It's not worth my time. If he doesn't have the compassion to acknowledge what is actually quite an amazing feat of courage... then to heck with him. Life is for living. Not dwelling in the past. Granted I don't always feel this way but I'm glad I applied the 24 hour rule before doing anything. He was included in the open email to family and friends - so not treated any differently from everyone else. No more. No less. That was enough. He didn't need to reply really (although everyone else has). So, by the same token it doesn't require any further interaction from me.
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