kitten chick Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I can't believe I'm doing this but I have nobody I can talk to about this. I had a very very casual past with someone who has been trying to talk to me again lately. I've been keeping him at a distance but we had a heated conversation today. I told him that I wouldn't be with him again because I want to be with someone who respects me. He seemed insulted but I know he's using me so I don't know why he's insulted. I was using him at times in the past but I still liked him in a way, just not in a way that he'd be someone I would want to have a serious relationship with. He knew that too but he thought we'd still have fun back then. I don't know what to do with this guy now, I feel really stuck.
tinktronik Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Sounds like you have your eyes open and know the relation with this guy is not based on respect , thats not what you are looking for , and you've told him this. It sounds like you've already done what you needed to do with him. Explained it.
johan Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I can't believe I'm doing this but I have nobody I can talk to about this. I had a very very casual past with someone who has been trying to talk to me again lately. I've been keeping him at a distance but we had a heated conversation today. I told him that I wouldn't be with him again because I want to be with someone who respects me. He seemed insulted but I know he's using me so I don't know why he's insulted. I was using him at times in the past but I still liked him in a way, just not in a way that he'd be someone I would want to have a serious relationship with. He knew that too but he thought we'd still have fun back then. I don't know what to do with this guy now, I feel really stuck. It's a little unclear to me. It doesn't look to me like you're stuck. What are the choices you are considering?
kitten chick Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Tink you're probably right. Thanks. Maybe I just needed to hear someone else say it. I know my post wasn't very clear, they rarely are when they have to do with my own feelings. The rest probably won't be either. I think a lot of it is my internal struggle in trying to force myself to let go and take chances, even if they feel wrong, because I've spent so long sheltering myself. I'm not very good at casual relationships but I've been trying to be lately because I don't want a serious relationship. Since I don't want a serious relationship my choices are casual or nothing. He's just easy because I already know him and he's very persistent. I've rejected him in the past and he didn't feel hurt, he's rejected me in the past and I did feel hurt. So where I am stuck, do I let him use me (in which case I would be using him too)? I mean we have a pretty decent relationship, we get along well but we also have a past and I can see myself getting hurt. He says he respects me but I just don't feel that he does.
climbergirl Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Tink you're probably right. Thanks. Maybe I just needed to hear someone else say it. I know my post wasn't very clear, they rarely are when they have to do with my own feelings. The rest probably won't be either. I think a lot of it is my internal struggle in trying to force myself to let go and take chances, even if they feel wrong, because I've spent so long sheltering myself. I'm not very good at casual relationships but I've been trying to be lately because I don't want a serious relationship. Since I don't want a serious relationship my choices are casual or nothing. He's just easy because I already know him and he's very persistent. I've rejected him in the past and he didn't feel hurt, he's rejected me in the past and I did feel hurt. So where I am stuck, do I let him use me (in which case I would be using him too)? I mean we have a pretty decent relationship, we get along well but we also have a past and I can see myself getting hurt. He says he respects me but I just don't feel that he does. No respect means the relationship isn't going anywhere. Do you really want to expend energy on this guy. Do you think your feelings are warranted or are you just protecting yourself?
johan Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I don't think it's ever smart to associate with people who don't respect you. It takes self-respect to be able to draw that line in the right place though. I'm not sure what kind of respect you think he lacks, though. Respect as a person? As a woman? When it comes to "casual" relationships, with which I have no experience, I think if it gets to be difficult or confusing at all then it's probably better to back off. I can't be that intimate with a girl I'm not interested in.
kitten chick Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Do you think your feelings are warranted or are you just protecting yourself? I guess that's the question at hand. I mean it's not like he's telling me he likes me and wants to try a relationship he just keeps trying to get me to have sex with him. That doesn't sound like respect to me. While he seems insulted that I believe he doesn't respect me, his actions really aren't showing it. I guess the only reason I'm even considering it is to prove to myself that I'm not letting my head get in the way and overprotecting myself. I guess I just needed someone on the outside to tell me if I'm being overprotective or if I'm seeing things clearly.
RecordProducer Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Just because he was casual with you doesn't mean he didn't respect you. But you have a right to desire to be with someone who actually appreciates you in all aspects. You probably chose the wrong word, but I see your point. I believe he sees it too, but wants to make you see him again. Ignore him if that's what you want. Who cares if he got offended when he just used you for sex and fun. You have a goal - to find the right person and don't let anyone distract you from that.
kitten chick Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Thanks RP. You're all right. It just isn't right and I need to let it go. I need to do a better job at learning how to let go of people.
Alexandra Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I'm lost, have you changed your casual-relationships-only goal? Is it... I'm not very good at casual relationships but I've been trying to be lately because I don't want a serious relationship. Since I don't want a serious relationship my choices are casual or nothing. OR... You have a goal - to find the right person and don't let anyone distract you from that. Or is it that you'd like a casual relationship with a man that respects you as well? If it's the latter how will you quantify said respect? If he does what, reacts how? I'd just imagine it would be hard to determine that, if it's sexual only. Alternatively -and what I think it sounds like- you're ready to find something deeper, hence want the whole package, respect included and then why would you agonize over him who you seem to have pegged as the right type for a casual relationship only?
kitten chick Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Well I said the first quote and RecordProducer wrote the second quote. I think there's something between sex only and a serious relationship. Can't you like someone and enjoy being with them in whatever way without either of you thinking that they're "the one" or even have potential to be the one? I know that I'm in no way looking for anything deeper right now and possibly not ever. I don't know how to quantify it, I'm not looking to quantify it, I'm just looking to be comfortable with the situation that I'm in and the more I think about it the less comfortable I am with our situation. And I agonize over everything. He definitely has a hold over me somehow. I'm going to try to be strong but he's tough to resist.
lindya Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 He knew that too but he thought we'd still have fun back then. I don't know what to do with this guy now, I feel really stuck. I'm not one to condemn casual relationships that aren't leading anywhere always provided they're fun for both parties. The problem here, KC, is that nothing in your post suggests that you would get much fun out of a casual relationship with this particular guy. It sounds as in some strange way you've invested emotionally into this situation with him...but going by your post the feelings you have about him and the situation sound more negative than positive. Overall, there's no sense that he really does much for you. By definition, casual flings don't provide you with anything on an emotional level...but they should at least make the earth move for a few seconds. That doesn't seem to be the case here. I'm getting a sense (I sound like a psychic now) of him being an unappealing combination of "Not up for a commitment" and nothing special between the sheets. Is that really someone you want to sacrifice quality time with friends/family/cats/hobbies/us for?
kitten chick Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 You're right about a lot of things Lindya. I've invested in him as a friend and not much more. From what he tells me, he's done the same. So was it an FWB that we had? I don't know. It's just tempting when I know he's better than most of the guys that I meet AND he's comfortable but he's nowhere near being the one. I shouldn't waste any more time on him and the next time we talk I'm going to tell him that I would like to continue our friendship but if he can't cut the sex talk then we're going to have to stop speaking.
Curmudgeon Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 ...the next time we talk I'm going to tell him that I would like to continue our friendship but if he can't cut the sex talk then we're going to have to stop speaking. Since, as you portray it, that's what the relationship was about, and only that (no commitment, casual, surface, etc.) it may be difficult to have anything more with this person. That appears to leave only two choices. Have another FWB relationship with this person and pretend at and expect nothing more or hold out for someone who is truly a friend (cares for, respects, shares himself and values you) and see where it goes. Are you, perchance, commitment phobic?
kitten chick Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 I've got a lot of issues but being a commitment phobe isn't one of them. I made a conscious decision to not be in a serious relationship again for my own welfare but I'm capable of committing myself to someone. If anything I commit too easily. I decided not to do anything with this guy. He's easily replaceable.
Curmudgeon Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 He's easily replaceable. LOL! Aren't we all?!?!
kitten chick Posted April 24, 2006 Posted April 24, 2006 sadly I don't think so but that seems to be the way most people think. He on the other hand, is
kitten chick Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 crap crap crap crap crap i can't seem to break away from him. what is this hold he has over me?
jerbear Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 crap crap crap crap crap i can't seem to break away from him. what is this hold he has over me? oxytocin? (hormone associated with sex, learned that word from blind_otter)
kitten chick Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 doubt it's oxytocin but you never know. i think it's been too long since we had sex with each other for that to be the case.
jerbear Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Could be the emotional bond that it created. Who knows. Graduate and go network!
Walk Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Could it be because he wants you? Sometimes the need to be wanted is very powerful. Also, you said that in the past you felt more for him then he did for you, so you may still have those feelings. They aren't so easily cut off, especially if you're still hanging around him a lot, interacting with him. Probably at that point it'd be better to stop associating with him for a while. If you aren't ready to stop associating with him completely, then it might be helpful to redefine the friendship. Set stronger boundaries on what talk is acceptable, what isn't. Stop the sexual innuendo's at the get-go, instead of allowing your feelings/thoughts to be manipulated. If it starts to get too much and he's not honoring your wishes, just get up and leave a few times. If he wants to talk to you for you, then he'll back off the sex talk. Otherwise, he'll just stop calling. I wouldn't suggest this unless nothing else had worked. But I think, in this situation, it might be better just to stop associating with him. Free up your mind to find someone who will respect you. It doesn't sound from your post as though you're being overly protective of your heart, but rather the opposite. That you're taking a chance on something that has proven to be hurtful before, and yet you're allowing yourself to get put back into that situation. In this instance, I think you'd be better off being more protective and on guard then you are.
kitten chick Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Could it be because he wants you? Sometimes the need to be wanted is very powerful. Possibly. He is also pretty nice to me and listens to all of my crap. That's not something I find very often. Also, you said that in the past you felt more for him then he did for you, so you may still have those feelings. They aren't so easily cut off, especially if you're still hanging around him a lot, interacting with him. Probably at that point it'd be better to stop associating with him for a while. It's not like I ever had strong feelings for him as I have with a boyfriend. I've been pushing him off from seeing me since he broke up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago because I don't trust myself when I'm around him. We still do speak or IM fairly often. If you aren't ready to stop associating with him completely, then it might be helpful to redefine the friendship. Set stronger boundaries on what talk is acceptable, what isn't. Stop the sexual innuendo's at the get-go, instead of allowing your feelings/thoughts to be manipulated. I've tried, really. He says he tries to keep the topic away from flirty/sex stuff but it always just ends up there. I think as far as he's concerned it can't hurt to try and find out if I'm still available to him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'm torn between wanting to do the right thing and not but I try to hold back. If it starts to get too much and he's not honoring your wishes, just get up and leave a few times. If he wants to talk to you for you, then he'll back off the sex talk. Otherwise, he'll just stop calling. I wouldn't suggest this unless nothing else had worked. But I think, in this situation, it might be better just to stop associating with him. Free up your mind to find someone who will respect you. It doesn't sound from your post as though you're being overly protective of your heart, but rather the opposite. That you're taking a chance on something that has proven to be hurtful before, and yet you're allowing yourself to get put back into that situation. In this instance, I think you'd be better off being more protective and on guard then you are. Of course you're right. I should just not respond to him and cut him out completely. I have a hard time doing that and I'm not sure why. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out so that I can understand and learn how to cut him off.
Walk Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 Sometimes even understanding exactly why, won't stop you from wanting him in your life. It doesn't nullify the feelings. And sometimes it doesn't shed any great light that will help you in dealing with them... Having said that, what aspect is drawing you to him then? The fact that he talks and listens? The physical part? The perceived shoulder to cry on? And why do you assume he only wants you for sex? Is it all the flirting and talk that is making you think this? Or is it more than that? Does he only talk to you about sex? Does he change the subject back to sex if you start a different topic?
jerbear Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 As a guy on the receiving end. I gave up on her. There is something there if you are pushing him away or don't trust yourself when you are with him. It could be anything like emotional support, "I don't want to lose the friendship" line, sex, hormones, whatever. It would confuse the heck out of the guy and yourself. I do have to agree that you have to decide but to either let him go or TRY again. Either way the relationship has changed. Regarding sex talk, guys love it but sometimes they hate it when they are in the "friend zone" for whatever reason. He may be doing the sex talk to get your riled up and maybe get you again since the sex line was crossed.
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