silentcharon Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 This is my story: Seven years ago, on a beautiful summer day in June, my best friend (she is hard of hearing) introduced me to Richard, the best friend of her then boyfriend, Karl at high school. They went to a seperate school in the southwest while my best friend and I went to another in the nw, about 45 mins drive away. Richard and I hit it off- he was the only guy who ever made an effort to talk to me and learn my language. (I'm deaf, by the way For the next six months, we were joined by the hips, we did so many fun things- drinking, going for bike rides, hiking, camping, you name it. Unfortunately, I was also depressed at this time, so I had a lot of problems like cutting myself and drinking. Problems started happening about five months into the relationship- he had to get a night time job and do homework at the same time. He lived fourty five minutes away from me and our only options at the time were public transportation- so it was very hard seeing each other. If I was lucky, I'd see him once a week. He ended the relationship, explaining that he felt it wasn't fair to me that he was never around and couldn't handle the stress. Being 16 at the time, I was heart broken, but I let him go. My mom stressed on having a clean break, and I went along with it because we lived so far apart, it was easy. I tried to be friends with him, but it was incredibly hard on me- every time we hung out, my heart would ache and everyone thought he was stupid for breaking it off because he was in love with me. I later found out that he broke up with me also because he couldn't handle my problems, this was a wake up call for me. So I started seeing a counsellor and was put on antidepressants, because I was clinically depressed. I got better, and I slowly started to move on- I didn't see Richard much, maybe once or twice a month with limited contact, by that, I mean VERY limited contact, this was absolutely necessary for me in order to get better, on top of dealing with my depression. This went on for about six months, we remained friends. He told me he had started seeing a girl, Jen, in a email, mentioning it was weird that he didn't love her the way he loved me. I was set back to square one again, wondering what he meant by this. I shrugged it off and kept seeing Richard once in a while, but he'd do things like lingering hugs and giving me kisses. I told him he couldn't do this to me, because he had a girlfriend and I didn't want to be second in line. I think this was when it hit him that he had to choose, he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. A month later, he broke up with his girlfriend and told me about it when I saw him again at his house. This was when I made the mistake, I don't know if this was a mistake, but we ended up sleeping together in the basement of his mother's house. The next day he asked me out through ICQ (msn didn't exist back then, hah), "For better or worse, will you go out with me again?" To that I replied, yes. I'll fast forward. We dated for six years afterwards. He proposed to me when we were 17 and 18. We were together throughout high school, we moved out when we were 18 and 19, to Fortress, a ski resort where we worked there for a season. Then moved back to calgary, where we lived together in the southwest for the next three years. About a year or two ago, I started to question his proposal, because, I mean, we were only teenagers. So I asked him if he still meant to marry me one day, and he said, "I don't know, we were pretty young back then, weren't we?" To this, I agreed, so we decided to just take things as they come. We were only in our 20s at this time, we weren't about to take life seriously yet and it was a mutual agreement. We continued dating, but things started going wrong. I stopped wanting to go out anywhere with friends or family, even Richard had a hard time getting me to go out. All I wanted to do was paint, read, and lie down in the sun room at our house. I had a inkling that I was depressed, but didn't think I was because I wasn't cutting myself or drinking myself into oblivion all the time. So this continued for a very long time, about a year. The "I love you, forever!"'s slowly faded into "I love you." I also were working a night time job in addition to my day job as I wanted to save money for college, so this did not help much. I stopped confiding in Richard or anyone else, he had his problems too- credit card debt and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. We had become comfortably numb. Don't get me wrong, we love each other- but at this point, we were no longer doing things together like we used to. We were... just there. Three months ago, a few days after my 22nd birthday, he came home one day from work and sat down at the computer desk besides mine. I was doing paper work from work, and I looked up in greeting, "Hi, how was your day?" This was when he broke the news to me. He said that he couldn't do it anymore, he wasn't in love with me and wanted to break up with me. I stared at him in disbelief after he started to cry. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore, I can't do this anymore." The entire month of February were pure agony. He came home only when he had to, to grab clothes or food, and left again without as much as a hello. I cried, and grovelled at his feet, begged him to come back. I called him everyday, cried myself to sleep every night- I felt like I was in for a rude awakening. Friends and family insisted that I should stay away from him and I didn't. I talked to his mom one day and described how I never wanted to go out and felt very very emotionally detached. She suggested that I go see a counsellor, and I did, they told me I was depressed and I didn't even know it. I eventually packed up and moved out, to my new place where I am currently living at right now. I see a counsellor twice monthly and am back on antidepressants again- I am slowly finding myself again. The person Richard was with for the last two years were not me. I just wasn't there and this contributed to the list of reasons why we broke up. I feel very guilty about it, but I try not to dwell on it. I went from calling him every day, and sleeping with him whenever possible for the first month, to month two of sleeping together occasionally and hanging out, trying to be just friends with him. No pressure, no nothing, he knows I still want to try dating him but living apart, but he doesn't want to be with me right now. Fine, so I don't press any questions, and still hang out with him. I have been steadily calling him less and less, and now I don't initate contact with him. If he calls, sure, I'll chat with him for however long we do, or if he invites me to go somewhere, sure I'll go. But nothing is initated on my part. Why? I asked him a week ago where I stood. Note the I, not us. He said that he still stood by his words from day one, and ever since, I've been around with him all the time. The maximum of days I wouldn't see him would be maybe two days. He said he didn't miss me. This was an awakening for me. He doesn't miss me? I was dumbfounded. I realized that because I've been around, trying to be his friend, he hasn't had time to find out what life is like without me. I realized that if I continued this, we would certainly be friends, but we will never date again. I have now decided on no contact. I am a firm believer of it now- yes, I want him back very badly, but this is not the way to go. I sat him down, and explained that I wanted to date him still. I told him EVERYTHING, how I felt, and left it at that. It has been a week of no contact, on my part. I don't call him anymore. And I am already noticing immediate results. He's already asking why I'm not calling him, after a couple of months of calling him daily. I smile and tell him, "I dunno." I saw him last night- he invited me over to his place after drinking. I agreed, because it was a short walk away and I didn't feel like spending more money on a cab. I fully intended on sleeping on the couch, but unfortunately a friend came along and took the couch. I had no choice but to sleep in the same bed with him as I have for so many years- fully clothed. This morning, I woke up- with him snuggling against me. I got out of bed and started putting my jacket on. He grabbed me and threw me on the bed, "I'm so horny, I wanna f*** you." Believe me, I was TEMPTED. I smiled, "You know I can't. Sorry." I told him I had a great time last night, and thanked him for inviting me out. And I left. I feel great.
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