Because He wont Talk to Me

[Lindzamay]

hi there...Here is my situation:

 

I moved to NY from Canada last July - a huge, amazing journey of self discovery for myself...I have also been single for 4 years because no one just quite every clicks the right way, works out, or gets past a few dates with me.

I move next door to the man who I referred to all my friends as "my hot neihbor" After being here a couple weeks, he started asking me over to watch a tv show here and there - one night he asks me if i wanna go grab a beer...after a beer, he comes in my apt and tells me he thinks im adorable but i'm his neihbor and it wierds him out...then we make out for hours on end...3 days later I hear from him, he comes over and tells me he cant have a relationship, that i am his niehbhor, ect...I'm thinking WTF? lol

Long story short, he just couldnt stay away - at first it was once a week, he would just come over and ask me to go out for a drink - we ended up starting to sleep together - AMAZING sex....the whole time I gave him no pressure, didnt even ask for his number...after about a month he lost his prior concerns, and asked me to be his GF...we were inseperable - from Oct to just two weeks ago, we spent 24/7 together, family stuff, everything..Madly in love - sex every day - we are perfect for each other...His friends and family call me HOUDINI because this guy has steered clear from even having a GF for 7 YEARS because he is so anti-comitment.

We ended up getting married in january - rings, diamonds, weddings, the whole thing - we cant imagine living any other kind of life.

Since we got married, after about a month - he came to me out of the blue and told me that he felt himself pulling away and was concerned because he loves me and doesnt want to but that marriage had put alot of stress on our relationship that he wasnt ready for and he needed to slow down...We did slow down - at least in the being married thing but always just as close.

Then he got more freaked out when i checked in with him, so i told him if he needed more space, to move his stuff back next door if it made him feel more like he HAD his own space. He did that - came and told me he felt much better - does NOT want to break up and he loves me.

Anyways that was in March, and whenever we would have the discussion he would say he is fearful and doesnt know if he is ready to live together, and might be taking a job in South Jersey and doesnt know if I should come with him at least right away, cuz my job is here and he doesnt want the responsability of me going just for him.

I really tried being supportive, and took it - and kept telling him "GO DO YOUR OWN THING" "TAKE SPACE"....He NEVER took it - just said he wanted to but ALWAYS chose ME instead of everything else - his actions were never less than amazing even through all this. Always thinking of me, getting surprises, cuddly, warm, waking me up every morning smothering me with love and kisses...but this was driving me MENTAL because his words and actions were not meeting up...

Two weeks ago, I had had it - reached my threshold and we had a discussion and i said I cant understand why you keep looking to what MAY happen in the future, ect when you obviously always want to be with me - why do you Hold this s*** over my head? He again told me his same speal...I got hysterical and upset. He started crying - told me he loved me but that he wasnt ready for what we had, and that we are breaking up, and need to get a divorce.

This was just less than 2 weeks ago, and he will not speak to me - Period. He says we need time to be apart, otherwise this wont work, and that he doesnt know what the future brings, that we have to "feel this out", center ourselves ect before we start communicating.

I have only called him once - in a weak moment the other day. We chatted for a few minutes, I said i missed telling him silly things that happen, he said he misses it as well...But that he isnt ready to "mix the two together" yet, and that he needs time...I asked him if he had any idea on a time frame and he said no.

I am really upset about this, because I know in my heart that he loves me...I feel like the reason we arent speaking is because HE is the one who cant help himself to me....Just like in the begining where he couldnt stay away even though he kept telling me he wanted to.

Please help me with any suggestions...or thoughts of what hes thinking?

Is he thinking "we are broken up and I want you out of my life, and to forget about you"- or is he still confused and needs time away to figure out wtf is wrong with him.

I mean if he knew what was going on then we would be speaking right? i mean we're married!

Thank you for your support

[BBetsy]

well, I am no expert, but it sounds like what he needs is a good dose of his own medicine. You should probably act like you don't give a damn and ignore him and go on with your own life (day by day) and he will be begging at your door within a very short time....

[Guest]

Alright, there have been 'issues' obviously that I was unprepared for. Too much to write here at the moment. Let's just say, my life is just a bundle of nerves for me. And the playing games is what I experienced for too long. Stability is what I long for.

 

For the moment, I will add, a jump start in my life is what I needed and loved and I am ever so happy for this. I hold no great escape other than to further myself back to some recognition of what is vs what is knot.

 

I will add more later... I am sad, and maybe worry too much.

 

I wish all well for those who knew me or try to help me. I will write again later.

 

At the moment, I am going to reflect...

 

Take care. Possibly I will hear more from you all.

[garnet]

I agree. I feel like he is being unfair...he made a commitment of marriage to you and now he's being wishy-washy and isn't giving you straight answers. And maybe moving away without you? Don't beg and plead with him, but stand up to him because you don't deserve this type of treatment. That is not what marriage is about. I think you should put your focus on taking care of yourself and your life and leave him be. He needs to be accountable for his actions and realize that what he's doing is not fair.

[Kittiecat]

It sounds to me like you two fell hard and FAST (from meeting to marriage in 6 months, is my math correct?). In any event, what's done is done. It sounds like you love each other but he is simply freaked at the speed at which this relationship turned into marriage. Perhaps a part of him is still very afraid of commitment.

 

Garnet and Betsy are right, take this time to take care of yourself. Maybe you should set your own time frame to to decide how long you are willing to wait for him to get his head together.

 

Good luck!

[mental_traveller]

I'm a bit of a commitment phobe myself, and it sounds like this guy out-does me in this department lol. I can only say that playing hard to get *definitely* works in these situations!

 

So - disappear for a while, don't talk to him, let him come back to you. When he calls, don't talk too long, don't say how much you miss him. Tease him a little "Oh so you miss me huh? Who says I miss you? :P" Basically let him *experience* emotionally how it is without you, instead of just thinking it mentally. Once he feels that, he'll make up his mind. There's a good chance he will realise he prefers being with you to being without you. But if you try to pressure him into that, or harp on about it, then you will just drive him away.

 

Trust me on this, you *can't* get a commitment-shy man to commit by nagging, asking, sweet-talking etc. The only way is to let them figure it out themselves by pulling away and letting them feel both sides of the coin.

 

Good luck!

 

P.S. it does sound like you married too quickly, and this may be partly what is freaking him out. Just don't make any demands, if he raises the issue then say you're cool with taking it easy for as long as he wants, don't put *any* pressure on things.