OneSadArtist Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I feel like such an idiot. I feel used and decieved, the worst of it being that I allowed myself to be decieved because I want to believe in my MW so badly, because I wanted to believe that there was hope...even when I knew better. The pain and heartache I am feeling now is sometimes unbearable. Even though most of you are OW, reading your stories and how your coping has given me strength. I hope that sharing my story might help alleviate the emotional torture I'm going through. I've been divorced for 3.5 years. Immediately after the divorce I went back to college to point my life in a positive direction. I met my MW there about 1 year after the divorce. She was my instructor. As a teacher she was very professional and friendly. I enjoyed her intellegence, optimistic outlook and light, cheerful attitude. During the semester it was never anything more than a typical student/teacher relationship. She contacted me about a month after the semester ended to design a memorial booklet for a friend of her's that had passed away. There was a strong, magnetic attraction between the two of us and an immediate connection. Within 3 weeks of our initial meeting we were having a full-blown affair. I didn't take it seriously at that point, I just knew that I enjoyed her company tremendously. She has two children (ages 10 & 12), her son has bipolar disorder and is extremely destructive and violent. At that point I wasn't sure if I wanted to get involved in all that. I just liked her friendship. As the relationship progressed, she seemed to want more and more. She said that she has been planning on leaving her husband for some time now and even gave me a date (in 3 months). They sleep in separate bedrooms and she say he's asexual, they haven't slept together in 11 years. Between the walks we went on each night after her family was asleep, cards and coffee each morning before work, lunches together and the most incredible lovemaking....I decided that I loved this woman and would accept everything that entailed. 3 months passed and she moved the date out another 3 months. Her husband retired early from his job, so was home more often. The walks ceased and our time together became less and less with each passing week. I felt unimportant, but she would assure me that I was, that it was just harder for her to get away and she was always so busy. This went on for 2 years. 2 years of complete emotional hell. I waited because she always gave me hope and when we were together, it was so magical. It was perfect. She knew that I did not want to be in an affair and how much that bothered me. She knew the situation was extremely painful for me, but would always avoid/ignore the topic. She would say that she was working on it and that I just need to trust her and understand how hard it is for her. I did...and nothing EVER happened. I waited and waited and waited. She would always give me this hope and I loved her so much, I thought she was worth whatever pain I had to tolerate in the meanwhile. But at what point will she consider my pain? Wouldn't you naturally want to protect someone from pain if you loved them? Wouldn't you make time for the other person if you loved them? I couldn't take it anymore and ended it 3 weeks ago. This has been 3 weeks of pure hell. I have loved and cared for this woman and would've done anything for her. We've communicated a couple times in the last three weeks and everytime I do, I notice that it starts the hurt all over again. She says that her kids will always come first (which I respect and understand), but she uses them as the reason she can't leave her marriage...yet. She just wants to have sex now - 'no talking' she says. As much as I want to, I've been saying "No. I will not have an affair with you any longer." I know intimately, the pain of being together, the emotional ups and downs (which she uses as an excuse for not being with me...but it's caused merely due to the situation), I know that it is time to start healing one way or another. As much as I love her, I cannot continue like that, it will kill me inside. There is so much more, but I've rambled on long enough. =) Thanks for listening and thanks for sharing. It's hard being the OM too!
Sami_D Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Hello there, I have a couple of male friends who are OM. So I know they exist and feel just as bad, and helpless as any OW. Congratulations to you for ending it. You did more than my two friends managed (one of them is 7 years into the affair) even though they faced just the same bleak facts as you do. I think most people will tell you that you need to go NC (no contact), so that you can heal from this R and begin living the life you should have been doing since you began to recover from your D. Best of luck to you.
Jessie61 Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 She knew that I did not want to be in an affair and how much that bothered me. She knew the situation was extremely painful for me, but would always avoid/ignore the topic. She would say that she was working on it and that I just need to trust her and understand how hard it is for her. I did...and nothing EVER happened. I waited and waited and waited. She would always give me this hope and I loved her so much, I thought she was worth whatever pain I had to tolerate in the meanwhile. I couldn't take it anymore and ended it 3 weeks ago. This has been 3 weeks of pure hell. I have loved and cared for this woman and would've done anything for her. We've communicated a couple times in the last three weeks and everytime I do, I notice that it starts the hurt all over again. She says that her kids will always come first (which I respect and understand), but she uses them as the reason she can't leave her marriage...yet. She just wants to have sex now - 'no talking' she says. As much as I want to, I've been saying "No. I will not have an affair with you any longer." One Sad Artist, Well here is another Sad One... 2 years down the line, just like yourself. You did the right thing. Look at what you have written. Your MW knew about the pain you were in and ignored it completely. And then the kids, yes, that is very laudible but where does that leave you? Does she want you to hang around until they are grown up, or what? It is the perfect excuse because it leaves YOU feeling guilty and selfish. (Yes, it has been used on me too! ) The thing is, if she is so insistant on putting the kids first - assuming that she is right in her conclusion that you and the kids are mutually exclusive - then she will have to take the consequences that flow from her decision, which is to let you go... Isn't that it, in a nutshell??? No, stick to your guns. Let her suffer the consequences, the same way you are suffering. No contact in any shape or form. Get on with your own life. I am sure that there are more than me on this site who are totally behind you! Hang in there!!!
Author OneSadArtist Posted April 25, 2006 Author Posted April 25, 2006 Sami & Jessie, Thank you both for the encouraging words. I think that all trust between my MW and I was completely shattered in an encounter this Sunday. NC seems to be the only route left at this point. When I am with her now, all I see is acting, I don't know what's real and what's not real with her anymore. Everything is a facade. She has mindf***ed me and I've allowed it. The only way that our relationship would work now would be with a sincere effort on her part, she is much too stubborn for that, nor do I believe that she really desires to create a healthy, honest relationship with me. Still sad, but more disappointed and disillusioned now.
Walking away Posted April 25, 2006 Posted April 25, 2006 I feel your pain. Hang in there. It will get better eventually. We are on your side....right, girls? Hugs to you WA
Author OneSadArtist Posted April 26, 2006 Author Posted April 26, 2006 Thanks WA. About a month or so ago (I don't remember for certain), she had checked her email on my comp. and it had left her signed in. I decided to check it, because I wanted answers as to why she was so detached, ignored my wants/needs/pain, didn't have a desire to spend time together (other than sex) and no longer confided in me. I know it was spying and was wrong, but I needed to understand and she wouldn't communicate with me about it. I found a confirmation to a hotel for an event in the city she was attending in May. Now, each year we've taken a trip together to this city...it was the only time I would ever get to feel her against me all through the night. I cherished these annual trips. She didn't mention this one to me, and when I asked her if we were going to do our 'trip' together this year, she said that she had already had her vacation with her daughter and we wouldn't be doing it this year. On Sunday, I asked her point blank if she was attending the 'event' in this 'city' this year, she told me it had closed before she could sign up. I asked her the same question in 4 different ways and each time I got a lie. It always bothered me that she lied to her kids and husband constantly and without conscience, but she always assured me that she had never once lied to me. This time she lied directly to my face and I called her on it. She gave me all of these reasons why she didn't tell me and apologized (and I suspect was mostly angry that I had spied on her). Why couldn't she have just told me the truth to begin with?!?!?! Sure, I may have been hurt that she didn't want me to go with her, but I would have still respected her and worked through it. After this lie, I am pretty certain that almost everything out of her mouth has been a lie, especially the statement "I have never lied to you". I hate the feeling of not being able to trust the other, and it seems like just having that feeling says that something is wrong with the picture. Since catching her in this lie, I've had a certain amount of peace come over me in being able to accept a life without her. I don't want someone who finds it easier to be dishonest with me, than to discuss something with me. I just realized that her whole life consists of lies...how hard that must be to maintain. She also said that her husband found an email from me and had discovered that we went on a trip together last year. When I've asked her about the conversation, it's like she has to think about the answers. I think that's all a lie too just to keep me at bay so I would think the reason she couldn't leave her husband is because he is aware of the affair and therefore she could possibly lose custody of her children. I bet that if I went and apologized to her husband for my part in everything...and about the email, she would completely flip out, because in truth..he doesn't know. But, I'm not the type of person to intentionally destroy or wreak havoc on another's life.
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