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Why does it feel bad to want "alonetime"?


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Posted

Right.. I've been together with my sweethear for 6 months now. They just seem to fly by.. We have it great together... But.. lately we've had some difficulties.

 

During the first months of our relationship. We had it great. We would meet up on weekends and spend time together.. and then be busy with school or whatever during the weekdays.. (We live 200 meters from each other). Anyways. Here's the thing. I live at home still. And so does my one year older sister. Who has a baby.. my girlfriend is crazy about babies and my sister and her are now like. really good friends. Which is great. Except for a few things...

 

Now instead of us two meeting once or twice a week. She comes over to the apartment like, everyday to spend time with my sister. This is a problem for several reasons.

 

If I tell her that I need alonetime all she says is "Well why cant you just pretend im not here".. and .. I cant do that! I love her. I cant shut that off..

 

1. I'm the kinda guy who wants to meet up with his GF all fresh. I wanna be able to take a shower and freshen up. Now instead, when I wake up and walk out looking like a disaster. she's already sitting at the kitchentable chatting to my sister. She gets to see sides of me that she claims she doesnt mind seeing, but I mind showing.

 

2. When she's here. She tells me I don't have to "mind her". But how the hell is that supposed to work? She's my girlfriend, I can't just shut that off and ignore her just because she's here to see my sister and not me. If I try to I end up feeling like crap.

 

3. On the other hand if I try and get some attention.. I have to basically steal her away from my sister and her kid. So we end up in my room all cozy for 2 minutes, then the kid gives up a scream and she just runs off. I just get the feeling I'm not as important. Even if she tells me this isnt the case.

 

4. So she tells me "But if we set a date where only we two meet, its all ok". Well it's not. I love the girl, but having her around me constantly while feeling uncomfortable about myself is gnawing at me.

 

I don't know how to deal with this.. I cant just tell her to stop being friends with my sister.. But all I want is to be able to miss her. A few days where we dont meet and I can have alonetime. and then the sweet weekend where we're happy to see each other and spend time together. Her being here every single day and making me feel like the second choice to my sister and the kid is really making me just want to have alonetime instead of sweet weekend movieevenings or whatever.

 

And another thing.. Me and my sister have fights. all siblings do. And having my girlfriend automatically side with my sister everytime just annoys me... She's also taken up the annoying habit of making it her job to make sure I do household chores.. Geeze. I want to marry this crazy girl one day. But I dont wanna have the "Take out the garbage honey" stuff yet! It's only been six months!

 

I tried talking to her.. But I dont know how to explain without coming off a a complete a**h*** for wanting to have some alonetime and her for myself sometime..

 

Basically.. if she's here, it doesnt matter if she's talking to my sister or whatever. I still feel that I can't just ignore her nomatter what she says.. I keep feeling like a jerk for just sitting in my room or whatever. So I cant relax.. at all. I dont want my girlfriend being here to be a negative thing! I want to spend only sweet times with her, not have her ignore me/nag at me without reason to do so..

 

Gah. I'm just rambling.. If anyone can make any sense from this.. I'm in desperate need for advice how to handle this. If that advice is "Stop being an a**h***" then that's ok. Aslong as I get another view on this.

Posted

Hmm........not sure what you can do but remove yourself from the situation. There really isn't any easy way to stop her from coming over--and in all honesty, you told her that it bothers you and she should be respecting it. I don't think she's being a bitch-she just doesn't understand how serious you are about your alone time.

 

So I see your only recourse to be for you to leave. For one, that will give you some alone time and secondly, maybe she'll get the hint.

 

Do you have a friends place where you can crash for a few hours?

Posted

Your thoughts seem very clear and reasonable. Have you expressed them to your gf in the same clear way that you have told us? I'm wondering if you may have hinted, but not come right out with your true feelings and desires - expressed diplomatically of course - but making SURE that she understand how important this is to you.

 

I agree it is an awkward situation, and it is actually great practice for marriage, to see if the two of you can address this potentially painful issue and come out stronger and better for it.

Posted

I can understand where you are coming from Enigma. I'd probably be irritated too, if I was in your situation. Especially if she's starting to nag you about chores and things.

 

You'll have to be very honest with her about this. It's a delicate situation, because you don't want her to take it the wrong way. Stress the fact that you need a certain degree of space and you're simply not getting it right now. If she keeps trying to brush it off, you're going to have to press it. You may have to be very honest with her, but try to focus on the fact that it's about your needs and not because you want to spend less time with her.

 

OTOH, if she's hanging out at your place all the time, maybe you could crash at her place? ;)

  • Author
Posted

Thanks.. Just hearing that I'm not an evil bastard for wanting to be alone sometimes helps alot...

 

climbergirl. Yeah.. I could head to my dad's place I guess.. I can stay there for a few days and think things through.

 

SoleMate.. I've tried. I really have. I might have been unclear but I've told her that I really need alonetime.. Her answer to that is always. "Pretend I'm not even here".. and.. as I said. I even tried doing doing that. But I can't.. 10 minutes later I head out of my room to find her.. and I find her talking to my sister or holding my sisters kid.. I try and get some attention and to be honest. she gives me some, but 1-2 minutes later she goes back to talking or holding the kid and I stand there feeling like crap. Even if I manage to steal her into my room it always feel like im keeping her from something she wants to do more.

 

And the times we decide that we're gonna spend time together. It's great. It really is. We cuddle up in my room and watch some movie or go out on a walk and it's awesome.. But I want to be able to look forward to these things. I dont want to think of them as "just another day she's here". I want to be able to miss her, to not see her for a few days, to really want to meet her.. and her not giving me any space is killing that feeling for me. And I cant explain how much that sucks..

 

I want to talk to her about it.. I'm not just sure how to say it without coming off as a bastard...

Posted

Can't the two of them go out? Or your sister go to her place with the baby?

 

I can understand your need to have time apart, to want to miss her and then have that rush of feelings when you DO finally see her.

 

You could also ask your sister to not invite her over all the time too. There has to be boundries and a line of respect. It has turned into a habit that she is just "hanging out" more and more...

 

This relationship is still so new, and your girlfriend being around so much is sort of pushing it into another stage, a stage you're not comfy with yet, hense her seeing you not showered, or when you just wanna get up and do your own thing - Neither of you are in that place in the relationship so that is why you're feeling uncomfortable.

 

In the meantime, go out when she is there, make other plans. But definately talk to your sister - Maybe she can call first before just coming over, set certain times during the week.

 

You are right, you do have to talk to your gf about this as well. Without hurting her feelings. I hope she understands where you're coming from.

Posted

So, when she says, "Pretend I'm not even here".. , I would like you to say,

 

"Darling, I really need you to listen to me. I am not feeling heard about an issue that is very important. I love you deeply, and I adore spending time with you the way we used to. I am very uncomfortable with the way we are spending time now.

 

"Will you please work with me on this, and listen to me seriously, and come up with a solution we both can live with?"

 

Then, the ball is in her court. Just don't give up. Your desires are reasonable.

Posted

you said that you're crazy about the girl and want to marry her someday. but you're uncomfortable having her see the less...groomed part of you. that could cause a problem. just think on that.

 

but anyways, have you considered that you're being...too polite when talking to her about this? because i know that i love to be with my boyfriend all the time. but my boyfriend needs his "alone time". and i really didn't understand it at first and he would tell me but i just didn't get it. then one day, he just sat me down, and said, "i love you but you can't spend all 72 hours of the weekend here". it hurt, but then i went home and thought about it and respected his decision cuz i love him too. and you know what, it's helped out relationship a lot because now when i do get to see him it's that much more exciting. hope this helps.

Posted

This sounds like is that your gf is moving way too fast for you. She is becoming like a "wife" and you still want to enjoy the "gf" stage.

 

Ironically, what may be happening - your gf may think that, to become closer to you, she should become part of your everyday life. Get close to your sister, her kids, and see you in all your natural glory. Lots of women are like this - they don't understand that it's the mystery that makes a man really fall in love with them.

 

Maybe you should tell your gf that, you know she's trying to get close and you appreciate it. But when she's always there, all up in your space, instead it makes you question your feelings, rather than strengthen them. Tell her that men are different and they need the mystery. Tell her, in the near future, her hanging out with the babies and telling you to do your chores may feel natural...but right now, it's not.

 

Your gf may get defensive, so you need a good time to tell her. A good option may be to send her a love letter with this message inside.

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