confusedlady Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Hi. I am new to this forum. I've been reading the threads and I think that I can get some help here. Let me begin to tell you all about my story. I've been having an A with a MM since I started my new job for 1 year. I am also M but have been seperated for about 5 months has nothing to do with the A. WEll everything was going very well until his W found out about the A about 2 months ago. Him & I had a very intensive A. We were always together I mean at work we would talk to each other and have lunch together and go out after work till about 11 pm. Weekends we would spend together till about 4 am. And sometimes during the weeknights he would come over my house and than go back to his at about 5am (that she doesn't know). We were talking on the cell phone about 2500 minutes per month. Well like I said everything has now changed we can't see each other after work anymore nor talk on the cell phone. He has changed his cell # to show to her that we have NC he won't even give me his #. We only talk at work and still spend lunch time together. She has no idea that we are still seeing other. She calls me every week to remind me what she thinks about me and to tell me that he won't ever leave her for me, that their marriage is working out, that he tells her that our A was a big mistake etc. He tells me that he does't tell her that and that she is just trying to make us hate each other. He also tells me that he has to be there for now because of their 2 kids ages 8-12 (by the way I also have 2 kids same age) because she has attempted suicide and threaten to harm the kids to get back at him. I don't know what to believe. I don't know if I should wait around or just move on but I do know that I love him and working with him doesn't help either. He hasn't promised me anything he just tells me that this phase has to pass and than he will know what's next once he knows that the kids & her will be ok. He has always told me from the beginning that there was nothing between them that they were only together because of the kids. What do I do??? I am so confused!!! I don't want to look like the fool hanging around and than he tells me that it's over and he's staying with her. He still tells me that he loves me. Please help!!!!
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Get out now while you can, seriously. He may really have feelings for you, but he isn't going to leave her, especially because of the kids. I know you don't want to believe, (or your heart/emotions won't let you believe) but he IS feeding you some lines to keep you around. I'm sure in his mind it isn't malcious, or cold...It's just selfish! He is STILL lying to her, making HER believe that you are not in the picture, when infact, you still are. Not as much as you'd like, but you're still there. She WILL find out eventually too. If he really wanted out of that marriage he would suck it up and get out, suffer the consquences and the fallout to be with you. He hasn't done that. So, unless you enjoy the rollercoaster ride you're on, things will be as they are now. Don't let him manipulate you into staying the OW. Don't you feel you deserve a man who will love only you? Is it possible to work things out with your husband? Try again, go to marriage counselling?
Author confusedlady Posted April 22, 2006 Author Posted April 22, 2006 whichwayisup I know that you are right. Those are the things that I think about too. I have told him that if he REALLY loved me he would get out no matter what but he says that he has to "work some things out first" before he knows what to do. I think that unless she leaves him or asks him to leave he is staying with her. And I don't like been in this situation since we can't be together as we use to before but it is so HARD to let go. Especially like I said before since we work together in the same dept. it is unavoidable not to see him each day. My main reasons for my confusion is because I KNOW that I can find someone to only love me but I never realized how weak and vurnable I am until now. Even if he left his W I know that we probably wouldn't be happy since she would always be in our lives and his kids would forever hate me (they know about the A) that would also drag my kids into this and I don't want that (mines don't know anything). His family would also hate me. Plus he is 21 yrs older than me. My H wants to work things out and go to marriage counseling but I can't get myself to do that (he doesn't know about the A). I feel that I don't love him we've been on the divorce rollercoaser before the A started I just think that the A helped me to make a fianl decision and ask for the divorce. How could I be with him knowing that I've cheated on him. I would feel so guilty. And what if I do it again. Those are some of the thoughts that go thru my mind. My H is a GREAT man I know that there are not that many out there I just don't know why I can't get myself to feel something for him.
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I know that you are right. Those are the things that I think about too. I have told him that if he REALLY loved me he would get out no matter what but he says that he has to "work some things out first" before he knows what to do. I think that unless she leaves him or asks him to leave he is staying with her. Ofcourse he is telling you he needs more time. What you can do though is, make it clear to him that you won't sit and wait for him to decide what he wants. Life goes on. Meaning, do not have sex with him nor keep intouch with him. Go no contact. No calls, no emails, nothing! If he still wants you after enough time has gone by and he divorces her, then a relationship can happen. The problem is, he is giving up alot. Everything that he knows to be with you. His family, wife & kids, inlaws, friends, neighbours - A life that is stable and safe for him. His house, all of it. A history with his wife. I'm sure this is why he is unsure of everything. With that being said, that is why the situation you're in is unfair, even though both of you put yourselves in it, it's the way life goes for the OW/MM or OM/MW. One can't keep on living the lie, having two relationships. It's selfish and unfair to his wife, to his children, to him and you. He is having his cake and eating it too! You two met at the wrong time in life. You're separated, with kids, he's married with children. Now, IF he did leave his wife and kids for you, could you really, fully trust him 100%? A man who said his vows to someone else, but fell inlove with another woman, left his family for the OW? So, you two end up together...Wouldn't it be a worry because of how things started between you two that he would fall for someone else? How could you trust his word that he will only love you forever? Just things to think about......... And I don't like been in this situation since we can't be together as we use to before but it is so HARD to let go. Especially like I said before since we work together in the same dept. it is unavoidable not to see him each day. My main reasons for my confusion is because I KNOW that I can find someone to only love me but I never realized how weak and vurnable I am until now. Even if he left his W I know that we probably wouldn't be happy since she would always be in our lives and his kids would forever hate me (they know about the A) that would also drag my kids into this and I don't want that (mines don't know anything). His family would also hate me. Plus he is 21 yrs older than me. I'm glad you recognize this stuff. It is serious and it does affect SO many INNOCENT people. Consider some one on one therapy for yourself to help you through this. If it ends your heart is going to hurt so getting help is crucial for you. My H wants to work things out and go to marriage counseling but I can't get myself to do that (he doesn't know about the A). I feel that I don't love him we've been on the divorce rollercoaser before the A started I just think that the A helped me to make a fianl decision and ask for the divorce. How could I be with him knowing that I've cheated on him. I would feel so guilty. And what if I do it again. Those are some of the thoughts that go thru my mind. My H is a GREAT man I know that there are not that many out there I just don't know why I can't get myself to feel something for him. I do believe that once the MM is out of your blood, your heart, you can capture that love you DO have for your husband again. It's just been taken over by the emotions and intense feelings for the MM. Remember when you first met your husband...He loves you, he married you and had children with you. He doesn't deserve this kind of slap in the face. You have afew decisions to make, come clean and tell him the truth - Admit you f***ed up and will do everything possible to make it right again, gain his trust and go to marriage counselling. If you don't tell him, you run the risk of this affair starting up again, or having another one. Counselling will help you prevent this! Time away from the MM, getting him OUT of your daily life will help your marriage. You can't have intense feelings for two men at the same time, one will be in your heart more. It's messing you up, making you crazy too. So, get off the rollercoaster ride, take control and end things with the MM. If you don't, so many lives will be blown apart.
Sami_D Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 ...He also tells me that he has to be there for now because of their 2 kids ages 8-12 (by the way I also have 2 kids same age) because she has attempted suicide and threaten to harm the kids to get back at him... ... He hasn't promised me anything he just tells me that this phase has to pass and than he will know what's next once he knows that the kids & her will be ok. Hello confusedlady. Well, just assuming for a moment that he's telling the truth about the 'only' reason he's there... when is it ever going to be worked out so that she doesn't feel the need to threaten to harm those children? If he cannot sort it out now... then when? When will he be able to deal with his W in a way that doesn't involve pretending not to contact you, and allowing her to phone you up to tell you what's what? He's revealing all you need to know about him, and where the R will go... right now. This is a situation (or a line) that can go on forever... can't it?
Jessie61 Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 You two met at the wrong time in life. You're separated, with kids, he's married with children. Now, IF he did leave his wife and kids for you, could you really, fully trust him 100%? A man who said his vows to someone else, but fell inlove with another woman, left his family for the OW? So, you two end up together...Wouldn't it be a worry because of how things started between you two that he would fall for someone else? How could you trust his word that he will only love you forever? Just things to think about......... I know that I am going off on a slight tangent so please forgive me, but this is an argument or line that I have come across quite often, so I am not objecting to WWIU in particular. I have seen then same sentiments more than once. How can anyone ever guarantee anything, especially that they will love someone for the rest of their lives? I think this argument is too sweeping, and it doesn't even try to take into account that each situation is different. The only "vaccine" against infidelity is to stay single for all of your life. That is a fact.
Sami_D Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I think this argument is too sweeping, and it doesn't even try to take into account that each situation is different. Yes, it is far too sweeping a statement. But... not all MM/OW situations are all that different... many of them are horribly similar... at least in how they turn out. I think it can be hard on a newbie coming here with no preconceptions and hoping to get unbiased, helpful words, however, when faced with the 'once a cheater always a cheater' line which is given as a blanket statement to all affiars, to see that it's just a point of view. It's not Gospel. Though it's often preached as such.
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 How can anyone ever guarantee anything, especially that they will love someone for the rest of their lives? I think this argument is too sweeping, and it doesn't even try to take into account that each situation is different. The only "vaccine" against infidelity is to stay single for all of your life. That is a fact. I understand what you're saying. But, in AFFAIR situations, it is alot harder for the MM or MW to give up the life they know, the life that they're comfy with, the security, the house, etc., for someone and a life they really don't know will last...THAT my friend is one of the main reasons why they don't leave. Ofcourse in some situations they leave and it works out. It depends on the MM, or MW, and the full situation itself.
whichwayisup Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 The only "vaccine" against infidelity is to stay single for all of your life. That is a fact. I would hope that self control would come into play here. NOT all married people and couples who are in a relationship will go and cheat on their partner.
Jessie61 Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I understand what you're saying. But, in AFFAIR situations, it is alot harder for the MM or MW to give up the life they know, the life that they're comfy with, the security, the house, etc., for someone and a life they really don't know will last...THAT my friend is one of the main reasons why they don't leave. Ofcourse in some situations they leave and it works out. It depends on the MM, or MW, and the full situation itself. WWIU, I do understand and agree with a lot of what you are saying. But I think I have learnt in life that you can never say never. Yes, in a traditional "boy meets girl" situation there are no guarantees, and there are probably even less guarantees in a A situation. BUT if a MM/MW is willing to give up (when it does happen.... hmmm...!) all the things that you mention above, surely they would not do that unless they felt in their heart that the new relationship will last? I know someone who left his wife for the woman he has now spent the last 10 years with and they are incredibly happy. He was never unfaithful until he met this new woman and he was just so grateful that life had given him a second chance at happiness when his own marriage was a complete disaster. Yes, I agree, guys like him are probably the exception to the rule, but I still don't believe in generalising. It has also occured to me that we would probably never hear from the success stories out there where an A has gone on to something lasting, fulfilling and loving. Sure, they have no need to look for support because they are already happy!!!! Anyway, that is my piece. And again, I apologise for going off on a slight tangent... I'll try to strick to the script from now on!!!!
Jessie61 Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I would hope that self control would come into play here. NOT all married people and couples who are in a relationship will go and cheat on their partner. Again, I actually agree with you, but I was speaking of GUARANTEES... I'd like to think that most people stay faithful, although there is, sadly, statistic that suggest that I am wrong....
kenny Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Quote I understand what you're saying. But, in AFFAIR situations, it is alot harder for the MM or MW to give up the life they know, the life that they're comfy with, the security, the house, etc., for someone and a life they really don't know will last...THAT my friend is one of the main reasons why they don't leave. Ofcourse in some situations they leave and it works out. It depends on the MM, or MW, and the full situation itself. I agree with WWIU. I had to learn the hard way. My MM told me that he had a lot to give up and didn't know if he could trust me. But it just doesn't seem fair that once the A is over, the MM can return to the status quo whilst the OW is devestated.
Author confusedlady Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 Quote I understand what you're saying. But, in AFFAIR situations, it is alot harder for the MM or MW to give up the life they know, the life that they're comfy with, the security, the house, etc., for someone and a life they really don't know will last...THAT my friend is one of the main reasons why they don't leave. Ofcourse in some situations they leave and it works out. It depends on the MM, or MW, and the full situation itself. [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I agree as well he has told me before that if we were ever together he thinks that maybe after a year we would probably be cheating on each other maybe not so much him but that I would because of our age difference. Needless to say he doesn't have a very good record either this is his 4th marriage and his previous ones have ended either because he cheated on his W's or he married them for all the wrong reasons[/FONT][/COLOR] I agree with WWIU. I had to learn the hard way. My MM told me that he had a lot to give up and didn't know if he could trust me. But it just doesn't seem fair that once the A is over, the MM can return to the status quo whilst the OW is devestated. I know it's not fair that they move on and we are devestated. THat is what angers me when his W calls me and tells me that he wants to stay with her because he loves her and she will get thru this and that she doesn't want me to go after him. I sometimes want to tell her how stupid she is for still believing him and if she only knew that we are still seeing other. Not like she thinks that we are NC. But if I tell her than he will not talk to me anymore and she probably wouldn't believe me anyways.I just wish that I REALLY knew what he is telling her about me if what she tells me is true or not but I guess I will never know that for a fact. Weekends are so DIFFICULT for me since I don't see him or hear from him until Monday at work. It also brings back memories of how if he wasn't caught we would be together right now going to dinner or to a club etc. but instead I'm here alone. Oh this really hurts... I need strength to get me thru this pain.
Author confusedlady Posted April 23, 2006 Author Posted April 23, 2006 Quote I understand what you're saying. But, in AFFAIR situations, it is alot harder for the MM or MW to give up the life they know, the life that they're comfy with, the security, the house, etc., for someone and a life they really don't know will last...THAT my friend is one of the main reasons why they don't leave. Ofcourse in some situations they leave and it works out. It depends on the MM, or MW, and the full situation itself. I agree as well he has told me before that if we were ever together he thinks that maybe after a year we would probably be cheating on each other maybe not so much him but that I would because of our age difference. Needless to say he doesn't have a very good record either this is his 4th marriage and his previous ones have ended either because he cheated on his W's or he married them for all the wrong reasons
RecordProducer Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Confused Lady, he already chose his wife over you; he stopped contact with you (on the surface) when the wife found out. He is not going to leave her and she is not going to leave him either. Her hasn't even promised you that he would. He obviously only wants you as a mistress. Don't stay in this sad relationship, don't sneak out to see him when you can have a normal relationship with a single man. You're separated, he's not. You don't know if his wife lies to you or him. Given that he chose the wife, he must have told her all kinds of bulls***, such as your affair was a mistake and he doesn't love you. I can hear him saying: "OK, I won't contact her anymore, I love you and the children; this was a mistake, and it will never ever happen again."
Jessie61 Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 Quote I agree with WWIU. I had to learn the hard way. My MM told me that he had a lot to give up and didn't know if he could trust me. But it just doesn't seem fair that once the A is over, the MM can return to the status quo whilst the OW is devestated. Fair? No, it is far from fair. Unfortunately, life is like that sometimes...
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