totallycrushed Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 I have a husband of nearly 13 years. He has recently changed careers and works at a new place with a lot of women. During school, he became friends with an attractive married woman. He would deny that they were even friends, but my best friend was also going to school at the same time and could see the chemistry between them. So, he has since graduated and she is set to graduate this June. She has been working on his same shift (ends at midnight) and got a job in his same department. I have been so leary of this woman. He has adamently denied any wrong doing and gets totally furious with me when I ask him about it. He said he is tired of being accused of things. Well, my best friend tells me a story and his is totally not even close to what she says. Neither one have ever proven to be liars, so its been very hard to decide what is right. We have been having this issue off and on for almost 3 years... time will go by and things will be okay, then something triggers it. Well, I hear all the time from my friend how they chit chat and their eyes light up when the other on gets to work. I also know that she comes in on her day off all dolled up when he is working to get her check or comes in in her running gear and hangs around. It makes me want to puke! She is married with three kids and her husband is in the military. I recently found out that they will not be moving now because her husband is retiring from the military. I was just hoping for her to move away. So, the other night, I snooped on my husbands work e-mail account (bad I know) and he had sent her an e-mail on Easter morning - and he had worked with her until about 1 am - he sent the e-mail at 2 am. I said the next day - so, you still tell me you never have talked to her outside of work or school or whatever and he said YES. Never a text message, an e-mail or a call? He said yes. So, I showed him the e-mail I printed out. He was super mad at me for snooping. He also said he knows it was wrong and that he was sorry. He said it was the first time he had ever sent her an e-mail and supposedly she never replied. So, I dont know what to think. The e-mail is the only thing concrete that I have that he is trying to contact her. I told him - this is what I want - stay away from her. Dont eat together, walk to your car together - NOTHING. So, my friend that works there saw them both come in today and they are usually so friendly towards each other... but they both looked at each other, then looked away. So, I now think that he probably called her today and it makes me sick. He says he wont talk about it with me. So, he gets so mad. The other day he said F you to me and left. I dont know what to think! I have not eaten in two days..... we have two daughters and this is so awful.
Jessie61 Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Totallycrushed, What was that email about? Was it totally work related? If it was, perhaps it is not what you think? Perhaps they are just friends? Have you no other real evidence? I mean, it is possible for 2 people to like each other etc more than what is absolutely necessary for work without anything else going on. Is it possible that this is what is going on? If so, don't you risk pushing him away by snooping etc? I am sorry if I am not familiar with all the details, but are there any other signs as text on the mobile at strange hours, him being possessive about his phone, trips away that never used to occur, har he become more careful about his own appearance etc etc? If not, would you not back off a bit and bite your tongue? Again, I am sorry if there is anything that I have missed, but if so then you might fill me in with the necessary details.
Author totallycrushed Posted April 22, 2006 Author Posted April 22, 2006 There have been things that he is doing now that he used to not do, turning his cell off and erasing EVERYTHING out of it. I get detailed billing, but it does not show texting and it shows he has texts, yet there are never any in his phone. I dont send them to him at all. I know this gal is in marriage counseling right now for a supposed infidelity. I told my husband this to see his reaction and he defended her and looked so jealous. He did say - I dont think I have made the best decisions, but no lines have been crossed. So, it makes me think - it could have been close. They work together EVERY night - its very hard. The problems that this has caused have been so bad. I have been hysterical for two weeks, and am on anti-d's because he made me feel like I was crazy for thinking these things. The e-mail sent me over the edge because he told me that he had never done it. He can log on to his work account from home, and he didnt think I could get in there. It was a very friendly e-mail and kind of flirty, cutesey. Made it seem they were good friends. I said - a married man should not be e-mailing a married woman at 2 am. It just made me mad that he would do that after all the conversations about her. I mean, he says - its the only one he has ever sent. How could I possibly believe that? ARGH.
Guest Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Awww I'm so sorry your going through this. You seem to be so genuine and so hurt. Obviously I am not there but from an outsiders point of view I would say without a doubt they are or were having an affair. If it walks like a duck.....you know the saying. No married people period need to be emailing each other little cutesy anything. Basically that means at 2am when he should of been in bed with his wife he was thinking of this other women and decided to send her an email..nope don't think so. She had to of given him some kind of assurance that it is OK to email her on a personal level, thats where I am saying I would lean towards yes there is something going on. There is too much ''comfortableness'' between them. And erasing text messages is a MAJOR sign of infedility. I would have that option taken off our plan. I wouldnt even tell him I was doing it. Good luck and go with your gut instinct here I think you pretty much already know what is going on but without hard solid proof you still have that glimmer of hope that it isnt so..I understand.
Jessie61 Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 There have been things that he is doing now that he used to not do, turning his cell off and erasing EVERYTHING out of it. I get detailed billing, but it does not show texting and it shows he has texts, yet there are never any in his phone. I dont send them to him at all. I know this gal is in marriage counseling right now for a supposed infidelity. I told my husband this to see his reaction and he defended her and looked so jealous. He did say - I dont think I have made the best decisions, but no lines have been crossed. So, it makes me think - it could have been close. They work together EVERY night - its very hard. The problems that this has caused have been so bad. I have been hysterical for two weeks, and am on anti-d's because he made me feel like I was crazy for thinking these things. The e-mail sent me over the edge because he told me that he had never done it. He can log on to his work account from home, and he didnt think I could get in there. It was a very friendly e-mail and kind of flirty, cutesey. Made it seem they were good friends. I said - a married man should not be e-mailing a married woman at 2 am. It just made me mad that he would do that after all the conversations about her. I mean, he says - its the only one he has ever sent. How could I possibly believe that? ARGH. OK, there is obviously more to this than I realised. Hmmmm..... This is a tough one to call... At one end of the scale, he COULD be having a harmless flirt with this woman which still hasn't gone beyond the point of no return. At the other end of the scale, he COULD be having a passionate EA/PA, even discussing a future with the OW. I don't know where the truth lies. I get the feeling that you don't either. I was actually in a relationship many many years ago where my BF was having an A. I got suspicious very fast and at times I am pretty sure I acted like a lunatic. So I know that it is HARD when you have these suspicions and your mind is telling you one thing, while HE and your heart is telling you another. So, they work together EVERY night? (Is that really necessary or is it an excuse?) He is cagey about his phone? You are right, he probably has sent her more than 1 email. Can you talk to him? If you do, does he dismiss your feelings completely or does him take them on board? (I don't get a clear indication of this from your posts.) Would you go to counselling together? Tell us more! I think a lot depends on where you are in your own relationship, what his attitude is to you and your feelings, his willingness to do something about it.
MadDog Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 You know what the problem here is? You're going nuts taking measures to presumably prevent your husband from cheating but the fact is, he's either a faithful man or he's not. It's not like you can make a man who's unfaithful by nature faithful by spying on him, bitching at him, etc. It might delay it but he'll eventually cheat on you (and probably feel less guilty about it because of all the bitching you've given him.)
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