DogBrain Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 went outside this morning for a ciggie sometime around 10:30 and whilst i was smoking a lady walked up 9th street that sure reminded me of L---- (the ex). and it occurred to me a few minutes later that it's been days and days since any of the L---- shyte was grinding through me. and that made me smile. and then I recalled something about her... and I smiled. and then I opened up the feelings box and yes, there are still some leftover feelings in there, but they've changed. two months ago I stumbled - yes, truly stumbled - on her teenaged daughter's blog site and I got to read how L---- was acting after our fun-filled breakup - I saw how horribly she treats the folks in her family and I realized how she would have started treating me had I been around long enough to be considered "family" . she was the daughter of an abusive, alcoholic father (which I found out AFTER I began dating this woman who was 16 years younger) finding that blog site really made a difference. confirmation of what I have been suspecting about her for quite some time was quite validating. the plot thickens....... On the way home I remembered that I had to call my date for tomorrow evening to firm up a few details (I am *really* excited about this, btw - first in 6 months). My new cell has voice recognition as well as bluetooth, so I tapped the headset and gave the instruction to call her. because I was driving, I didn't pay attention to the confirmation. The phone rang ... and L---- answered (similar names, I guess). I recognized her voice. I apologized and started to hang up and she said "wait." And I said, "Hon, there is really nothing I have to say to you." And she started in with the I miss you, I still love you, we should get together for drinks, etc, etc and I let her ramble for a bit and then I cut her off and said I really didn't think the two of us meeting right now is a good idea. For one, I've been celibate for almost 6 months -and she said "I can fix that" And I smiled because she truly could. And then I got real again and told her (maybe this was a cruel thing to do) that Saturday night I was seeing someone new who I really liked and she said "oh" in a downtrodden sort of way. She then told me she was at the XX Leadership Conference two weeks ago and was talking with some folks about her campaign and one of the people suggested her to look up a fellow named RS (me) because apparently he runs a mean underdog campaign and has top-rate media instinct (her BIGGEST weakness, btw). She said she was surprised to hear that I am now involved in politics. That was a lie. When she stopped by last fall "i was just in the neighborhood (a 350 mile neighborhood, obviously)" half of what we talked about was politics. Even when she tries to be "real" she still lies. I never met anybody like her. Then she asked again if we could perhaps meet for dinner or drinks when she is in H---------- later next week. "L---- ," I told her, "when love is no longer part of the equation, sure we can sit down together. It can't ever happen until then." Then I said it. As I spoke I couldn't believe I was saying it. I never thought I'd ever be able to say it. I said "I no longer feel love for you. It took a long, long time, but you hurt me and it wasn't necessary to hurt me. I don't trust you and I don't know if I will ever trust you. I would love to forgive you - I need to forgive you at some point - but you're still in trouble. You have things you have to fix so please stop worrying about me, go to a therapist and get fixed - for your family's sake" She asked me what I meant... so I told her that she just couldn't handle relationships very well. "You drove away your husband, your son has anger management issues, your daughter moved out rather than put up with your control games. People love you because you're you, not because they want to be controlled. You dumped me because I refused to be controlled..." "No I didn't" she protested, but not at all convincingly. So I went through all of it and told her what I was forced to accept in my mind if I was ever going to live my life again. I told her flat out what that November was like and the look on my friend's face the day before I left for San Diego when I told my friend that L went 8-9 days without contact. "I was ready to break up with you. I wrote you a note," I explained it all. "Why didn't you mail it," she asked. "Because I'm not a coward. I couldn't do that - it was done to me once and it was horrible. Even if I totally hated you, I wouldn't split without sitting down, face-to-face, and telling you about it first." I loved you, but I love me too and if loving you meant that I had to turn off parts of myself, then (using her words) it just isn't worth it." more silence "Then, you wait until I am on the turnpike, late at night, you know how I like to drive fast, and you whip that on me via telephone while I am trying to hold a cell phone, shift gears, steer, and smoke a cigarette - I never stood a chance." more silence Then I moved in for the kill. "Hon, I will never ever let one second of that incredible first night fade from my memory. I have great memories of you and part of me would love very much to be back doing the same thing. But you were thoughtless and cowardly. You had me threatened, you played games with me, you lied to me - I wrote it all down on an index and carried it in my wallet to remind myself whenever something like this comes up again. L---- , we weren't good for each other and I don't know if we will ever be good for each other and I can't sit with you and look into your eyes without wanting you. And once my d--k gets hard, reason goes out the window." She started to cry. Oh f***. So I told her that if she loves me, to use that strength and get into therapy now before the shadows of her abusive childhood ruin the rest of her life. I offered to help pay for it. "And when you feel that you have pushed through it, look me up and we'll talk. But never, ever think that things will be like they were. That was a fantasy. If we ever attempt to build something again someday, it has to be more than a fantasy." Then I just clicked off the phone. a few tears because I hurt when I see her hurt because, well just because. Sometimes I lie a bit too, I guess. But I was strong and I think I finally showed her what I have been needing to show her. Even better, I think I finally proved me that I have the strength to be the person I think I am. I love deeply and intensely - love like that is never given away capriciously. It has been an amazing journey, but now it's time to move on to something else. Saturday night. <grin> db
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