Tara1973 Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 Hello. I am still going the tremendous pain of finding out my BF of 5 years cheated on me twice. Although I have decided to leave him, it has proven very difficult. First dealing with his groveling apologies, the fact that I do love him, that leaving him would mean that I WASTED 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE, that we were such a part of each others lives...etc. What I would like to know, if anyone has some time to kill is...anyone betrayed who was in a long term relationship, planning a life together with the cheater or already with a family, who LEFT...how did you do it? This is killing me! My HEART wants him (and my body), but I know Im doing the right thing. Some of you have repiled some wonderful encouraging words to my earlier posts,but Im afraid I need more. This is so damn hard. But how on earth did you get the motivation to leave when its so much easier to stay.? There are women out there who say if their significant other ever cheated they would leave, but they decide not to when it actually happens. I can understand why. Its the words mostly..."It was a mistake", " But I love you so much and want the chance to make it up to you", "I want to be with you", "She didnt mean anything" (or in my case 'she' is actually 'THEY'. Damn it!
a4a Posted April 21, 2006 Posted April 21, 2006 he did it twice? they did not mean a thing huh? Well I guess you did not either for him to make 2 mistakes. You can do this, you know he is full of crap, he will do it again. Don't look at them as wasted years, look at them as just part of your life to learn from. Good and Bad. Did he admit to it or was he caught? not that it makes a bit of difference just curious. You need to go NC ASAP
Rosalind Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 you have to walk away... and yes, it's probably the hardest thing you'll ever do.
bigbrowneyes Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Better to waste 5 years than 50 years! Why be unhappy? I had the same situation. I found out that my xbf cheated on me after we were together 5 years, engaged, and started a business together. I was crushed! Somehow he talked me into getting back together with him during a weak moment. He proposed to me again. Gave me a new engagement ring..beautiful...1.5 carets. We looked for a house....started to plan our wedding...and he did it again. I had to make the difficult decision to NEVER speak to him again. I'm still devistated about this situation. It's been over 6 months and it's been the hardest 6 months of my life. I loved him with all my heart and soul and I continue to miss him everyday. But the positive side is that I'm no longer miserable...wondering every time he leaves my house....is he taking another woman out to lunch...is he calling someone else. Imagine spending the remainder of your life feeling like that. It's definately hard to walk away but well worth it for peace of mind. You deserve to be loved by someone who treats you like you're special.
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Try not to look at it as wasting your life with him because during that time you thought everything was all dandy, but now if you continue to be with this person, than you will be wasting a heck of a lot of time! No excuses for cheating, I know every women says they would leave..but its so much easier said than done. You need to build up the courage and leave him, he could do it again, disregard the feelings of your love for this man, and what do you have? A bad friend Leave, take the time to heal It will take a long time but the more you stay with him the harder It will be to leave him!! You can do it
Jessie61 Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 What I would like to know, if anyone has some time to kill is...anyone betrayed who was in a long term relationship, planning a life together with the cheater or already with a family, who LEFT...how did you do it? This is killing me! My HEART wants him (and my body), but I know Im doing the right thing. Hi Tara, First of all, I do not envy you in your situation. I wish nobody would have to go through it. You say that you have decided to leave him, but I wonder if you are totally convinced yourself about your own decision. If you were, would you not have packed your bags already? No, I am not critical of you, far from it. Leaving is easier said that done, after all!!! I think you should THINK about this one. I have couple of points that you might consider. I think you can expect loads of emotional manipulation from your BF, some of it may be classified as "apologising", but other things, such as you wasting 5 years of your life, is pure manipulation. Don't let yourself get distracted. I am concerned about the fact that you have only been together for 5 years and he has already done it t-w-i-c-e. I say "only" 5 years, because it is not such a long time after all. I don't know if he was caught, but imagine how many times he could have done it if you had been together for 20 years? Also bear in mind, that after, for example, 20 years you would probably have kids and loads of assets together. THEN it would be much more difficult to leave. Still possible - think Prince Charles divorcing Princess Di! If THEY could do it despite a potential constitutional crisis that could have rocked the nation, then ANYONE can do it! I don't know what your relationship was like at the time when he did cheat. If the relationship was good, then there is really serious cause for concern? If it was good and he STILL did it??? What would he do if things weren't working out so well? Or perhaps, you were going through a rocky patch, I don't know, but it is still a thing to consider. Then imagine staying. What would your life be like if you stayed? Is he willing to do everything to make you trust him again? I mean EVERYTHING? Would you be happy? Would you be able to trust him? Would you find yourself checking out everything that he does, where he is, who he's with? Could you live like that? So, don't let HIM distract you. THINK about this one. If you are still convinced that you are doing the right thing, then just go. It is a "simple" as that. Steel yourself, pack what you need to go and GO. Have you friends or family around? Stay with them for a little while. They would be happy to help you out. Take what you need and collect the rest later. And tell yourself that you were lucky to find out BEFORE you actually had put all your plans for a future together into action... Let us know how you get on!
cuckolded husband Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Hi I'm in the same boat but into 25th year where she cheated 20 years ago I just don't want to throw all that time away but if I would have known sooner I would have, but..... I wounldn't have my son, see what time does, search your heart do alot of sole searching and good luck.
reena Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 "Then imagine staying. What would your life be like if you stayed? Is he willing to do everything to make you trust him again? I mean EVERYTHING? Would you be happy? Would you be able to trust him? Would you find yourself checking out everything that he does, where he is, who he's with? Could you live like that?" My situation is that I did stay with my lying, cheating husband,and it has only gotten worse. He has promised me so many times he would never do it again, he was so sorry-and when that didn't work anymore, it turned to everything is my fault cause I'm such an untrusting bitch making his life hell. If you choose to stay with someone like this, I guess the best advice would be to bury your head in the sand and make nice no matter what he does..otherwise, this scenario just keeps playing over and over. 5 years isn't such a waste.. try 12 yrs. with 2 kids..
zarathustra Posted April 22, 2006 Posted April 22, 2006 Hello. I am still going the tremendous pain of finding out my BF of 5 years cheated on me twice. Although I have decided to leave him, it has proven very difficult. First dealing with his groveling apologies, the fact that I do love him, that leaving him would mean that I WASTED 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE, that we were such a part of each others lives...etc. You did not waste 5 years. I'm sure you learned a lot about yourself as a partner to someone and what kind of partner you would like the next time around. Yes, you were a part of his life, but when he cheated (TWICE) on you, how much was he a part of yours? He may have been there physically with you, but was here there with you in spirit? Some of you have repiled some wonderful encouraging words to my earlier posts,but Im afraid I need more. This is so damn hard. Unfortunately, life is hard. If it were easy, we wouldn't grow and strengthen. But how on earth did you get the motivation to leave when its so much easier to stay.? I don't have any answers. I think you will find the motivation within you when you are ready. There are women out there who say if their significant other ever cheated they would leave, but they decide not to when it actually happens. I can understand why. Its the words mostly..."It was a mistake", " But I love you so much and want the chance to make it up to you", "I want to be with you", "She didnt mean anything" (or in my case 'she' is actually 'THEY'. Damn it! There are men like that too. I think it depends on the circumstances. I think forgiving someone after they cheated once is understandable. Getting to the bottom of how it happened and how to prevent it is a good idea, but if happened again, I don't think a second chance should be given.
Blind Illusion Posted April 23, 2006 Posted April 23, 2006 But how on earth did you get the motivation to leave when its so much easier to stay.? ! This is something I am dealing with right now although we have very different circumstances. Maybe what we do have in common is the lack of self esteem to tell these bozos of men to leave immediately. Maybe part of it is like you say about it being easier to stay. I'm also married with children although I am not saying this makes it harder for me or anything like that. It is not an infidelity problem on his part. He is just a negative, emotionally abusive man and suddenly I woke up to realize that life is too short. I am trying to gradually do this. Right now, my short term goal is to make myself financially independent of him. Maybe you could set some short term goals for yourself. Another idea is to develop any other passion aside from him. I don't mean that in the romantic sense. It could be anything else that you are interested in that has absolutely nothing to do with him. If that thing stops you from thinking about him for 10 minutes, good for you. Somehow, we will make progress.
mental_traveller Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Well, it's never happened to me (to my knowledge anyway!) but I would simply try to cut them out of my life as much as I could, and make a point of starting to think of them in as negative a way as possible. I'd list all their flaws, all the things they had done wrong, and not consider anything good they had done. Basically I'd try to demonise them so it would be much easier to forget them and tell them to take a hike. Then I'd go out and sleep with several women, especially any that she was friends with, and make sure she knew about it, so it would be pretty much impossible to go back from there. I'd also tell everyone in our mutual circle of friends what she had done, and try to convince them all to think of her as badly as possible. Again, this will make your ex hate your guts, at which point they'll start acting like an a**h*** to you, so it will become 10 times easier to dump & leave their sorry ass. Basically you have to use your head to take the decision, then trick/force your emotions into going along with it. It's called being a free man or woman, using your willpower & taking control of your destiny using intelligence and choice, rather than being an animal-like slave to your emotions. The fact is, in life sometimes it's necessary to be a bastard. Dumping a cheating ex is one of those situations.
Walking away Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 I was in a long term relationship where I found out that my SO was physically cheating on me with one woman and emotionally cheating on me with another. I was absolutely devastated. Nothing could console me. I spiraled down into depression and it took heroic strength to work, take care of my kids and maintain my health and I am probably one of the most optimistic people you would ever find. I was rendered incapable of functioning. For five years was based on an absolute lie. But, ONE day, a few months later, I woke up and felt better. Just like that. I grieved heavily for this man for a few months, then bounced right back. What I am trying to say is that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. You must go through the darkness to get to the light. And, unfortunately, there will be pain. BTW, that creep of a man contacted me last week after 18 months of NC. You can bet your ass I nailed the coffin right back shut on THAT attempt to get back into my life. Once it is over, it is over. And, I would never go back. There are too many decent, kind, loving, faithful men out there to waste your time with one who isn't. I wasted 5 years, too. But, I look better and feel better than I did when I was with him. For you may not realize it, but stress and deceit take their toll on your body as well as your mind. Good new is that I recovered completely from his sorry, cheating ass. I now think about him and my heart feels absolute nothing. No hatred, just nothing. And, I believe that is the opposite of love. Not hatred, just apathy....you just don't care. Good riddance is all I have to say. You will make it. Hugs WA
jerbear Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 For me it took about 1 month of realization and 3 months of preparation. I kept information from her and then just moved on. She didn't even know where I went. Talk about NC!
Trimmer Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 Tara - you said you have "decide to leave him" but it doesn't sound like you have really convinced yourself yet. Are you looking for justifications to help solidify your decision, or do you really feel like you are firmly convinced of your decision and looking for techniques to make the emotional transition easier? Basically you have to use your head to take the decision, then trick/force your emotions into going along with it. It's called being a free man or woman, using your willpower & taking control of your destiny using intelligence and choice, rather than being an animal-like slave to your emotions. I agree with mental_traveller on this point, but I get there by a different path. I think this is an opportunity to find your real self, rediscover your independence, and to start to be true to that. The whole point here is to become emotionally independent from this person, and it seems to me that by making "your ex hate your guts, at which point they'll start acting like an a**h*** to you, so it will become 10 times easier to dump..." you put yourself right back into a position of weakness - you leave yourself emotionally dependent on him and his reaction in order to help push you out, instead of finding your own strength and independence to leave. This is a defining moment in your life, an opportunity for a major change. Figure out what person you want to be, and work to be true to that person, with strength and confidence. Once you reacquire a focused vision of who you want to be as an individual, I bet you'll find you don't want to be someone who would accept this kind of behavior in a partner. I'm not saying that this will make it any easier - acting like a bastard and driving him out may well be much easier, and will probably accomplish the short term goal of ending the relationship. But your long term goal is to move on, learn to be strong and independent again and to do things for yourself, and I believe that how you leave this relationship becomes a part of you, and of your image of yourself as you move forward. As far as the words: WS: "It was a mistake" You: two times in 5 years is not a mistake, it's a pattern. WS: "I love you so much and want the chance to make it up to you" You: It doesn't matter what you want; I have decided that this is about what I want and what I will accept in a partner. WS: "I want to be with you" You: You were with me, but you decided you had to be with others, too, that being exclusive with me wasn't enough. WS: "She didnt mean anything" (I've always wondered if a BS shouldn't be supremely insulted by this.) You: This is supposed to make me feel better? You cheated on me, hurt me deeply, for something meaningless? What does that say about the importance you put on our relationship?
Guest Posted May 1, 2006 Posted May 1, 2006 hey,my name is yanet. I have been in a long term realtionship and i do understand how hard it is to leave a man you love soo much. But it does make it harder since he did it twice!once would be easier to forgive. Honestly i do understand why you want to just get over this and be happy with him but you know you'll never really get it out of your head.Your always gonna think about it. I think you shouyld at least give him some time.Break up with him and give him some time to realize what he lost.Make him gain back your respct and your trust ,don't just hand it to him. He took you for granted.You,go out go to parties make him see you have a life too. If you show him your all about him he won't really appreciate it. Show h8im your independent and that you don't need hat bulls*** in your life.Do your own thing, and if he proves to you how much he loves you then try n work it out. good luck!!!!!!!!
amblin Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 Here's what you do: 1) Do NOT think of any good things about him. 2) Do NOT buy into any of his crap excuses and apologies. 3) Focus on the BAD things he has done to you!! 4) Focus on the hurt you felt both times you found out he was cheating. 5) Search you house and clear out everything he gave to you and everything that reminds you of him. Put it in a box and then burn it, throw it out in the garbage or dump it at his place. 6) Delete him off your mobile, email and chat list. 7) Do NOT speak to him.
Guest Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 You know what? You say it's easier to stay, but in actuality, it isn't. To leave may be rough at first (alright, really rough), but once you get past the hurt, and you will, if you allow yourself to, then it will be smooth sailing. But if you stay in the relationship, without fully recovering from the deceit, by both of you going to counseling and getting through the pain together, then that's where the real pain comes in to play. You find yourself always wondering about his whereabouts, who he's with, if he's telling you the truth when he says he's with his friends, did his car really catch a flat, or was he lying? etc. You get my point. These questions just break down your mental state more and more as time goes on, and you never have peace of mind. I can say this to you because I was in a similar boat, and my man cheated on me a numerous amount of times (but only admitted to one), and we were together for nearly ten years!! At first I was fixated on the time I had invested, and then it was the old "but I still love him" excuse, or the naive belief I could "change" him by just loving him more, and being more sympathetic to his needs. Total waste of time. I realized (with age, and the raw wisdom of those around me) that you can't change a man, you can only help him if and when he wants to change for himself. If he doesn't want to change, then you either have to accept what he offers (many times, cheating) or walk away. And if you do decide to deal with him the way he is, remember he's going to naturally lose even more respect for you (not that he had much to begin with if he cheated on you), because he's going to subconsciously see that you don't even respect yourself enough to walk away from a bad situation, so why should he have to respect you? And respect, my friend, holds the hand of trust; and trust is the glue that holds the relationship together.. Good luck girl..
Chump64 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 There are women out there who say if their significant other ever cheated they would leave, but they decide not to when it actually happens. I think most people SAY they will do this, but find that it’s actually much harder to follow through. Even before I had a clue that my husband was cheating, I have always said I could try to work through infidelity once, but not twice. (Fool me once and all that....) You have now seen him do this twice. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I agree that you don’t sound ready to leave him. Have you talked with any kind of counselor? My husband had a long term affair. If someone told me, 20 years ago, that this would happen in my marriage, I wouldn't have married him. I would have tried to find someone who I thought would be faithful. The catch is, I DID think he'd be faithful. There was no indication otherwise. You DO have that indication. Go, and don't look back. Good luck.
UnknowingOW Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Tara- It takes time and courage to leave someone that you know in your heart will never work. You will question him at every turn/action. You will want to believe him because you love him and you would never do something likes this to him. But the reality is you both view the relationship differently. Know your own self-worth. Know what your values are as absolutes in your life. Motivation comes with an awakening of your senses. One morning you will wake up clearly and know the decisions which must be made. Only you can make them. Your friends, family and loved ones will support you...trust me. One day, hopefully soon, you will realize your self-worth. Or you will remember "to thine own self be true." This is the first step to taking control of your life. Your wants. Your needs. This will be, you feel, the most difficult decision you will make in your life. But, in time you will begin to see how you will overcome your feelings. They never completely go away, but they won't hurt you like the do now. But you will survive...I promise. Take stock in yourself and good luck
Guest Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Hello. ...that leaving him would mean that I WASTED 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE, Damn it! I REALLY understand what you are going through. I caught my husband in an affair 5 years ago and am just NOW pushing through the pain and getting out of the relationship. So now, instead of saying I wasted 4 years of my life, I have to say I wasted 9 years! They don't change. You just get older and more tired. Get out NOW and never look back.
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